TICKETCAKES
by Marven Gardenias
(aka Tom Alexander) (1999)
--Spoken:
"You know I was talking to my friend the ticket scalper the other day he runs this gas station and ticket shop down in Beantown. He told me that human beings are flawed individuals. The ticket makers took us out of the printer a little too early. And that's the reason we're as crazy as we are and I believe it."
"Take for example when you go to a concert these days, you know. They try to sell you this jumbo drink, 2 extra ounces of watered down Budweiser for an extra 3 bucks. I don't want it. I don't want that much organziation in my life. I don't want other people thinking for me. I want my cheap tickets. Where did the cheap tickets go at the Tweeter center. I don't want a 10 oz. glass of wine for 25 dollars. I want my cheap tickets."
"We need more ticket outlets in this world and less ticketmasters! We need people that care! I'm mad as hell! And I don't want to pay that much anymore!"
Chorus:
Tickets in my wallet
Tickets on the street
He's sellin' tickets on the crosswalk
In the middle of the week
Over-priced tickets in my pocket
Over-priced tickets on the bus
There's a little bit of ticketmaster annoying everyone of us
Paradise, lost and found
Paradise, take a look around
I was out in California where I hear they have it all
They got riots, fires, mud slides
They've got ticketmaster in the mall
Parrotheads with Coconut bra's, buy these tickets now
If you want to get in to see the show
Give me money I'll show you how
Chorus:
Tickets in her pocket book
Tickets on the street
Buyin' tickets on the crosswalk
In the middle of the week
Half-priced tickets in the pocket
Half-priced tickets on the bus
There's a little bit of ticketmaster annoying everyone of us
--Spoken:
"Speakin' of tickets, how 'bout the scalpers? Your hard earned dollars makin' them rich."
We lost our gold circle membership
The ticket spokesman said
Looks like we ain't gonna see
Jimmy's balding head
We spent 90 jillion dollars trying to get closer to the stage
I hear universal laughter from the fans that can see his age.
Chorus:
No Tickets in the galaxy
No Tickets left on the earth
I was on the phone for an eternity
I've been shut-out since my birth
Over-priced tickets in my pocket
Over-priced tickets on the bus
There's a little bit of ticketmaster annoying everyone of us
--Spoken:
" Ticketmaster! Ticketmaster! Oh, there's a long line at the ticket window. Here we go now. Alright, boys and girls."
Mea Culpa Mea Culpa Mea Maxima Culpa
Mea Culpa Mea Culpa Mea Maxima Culpa
Where's the number, I hate talkin' to those quirks
Ticketmaster is in the hands of some crazy-ass jerks
Those stinkin' scalpers with greasy hair and pimples
The god's honest truth is it's not that simple
It's the cynic in you, it's the killjoy in me
It's callin' the number, just why aren't they free
It's the lost again look, it's the one that got thru
Tell me what's goin on, I ain't gotta clue
--Spoken:
"Now here comes the big ones. Front row! Some got 'em, we all want 'em. How do we get 'em? Here we go, I'll tell ya."
She said you just have to know someone
Now cough up the big dough
I treat my money like I need it
You treat yours like you don't
But the right word at the right time
May get me a front row seat
That's the difference between bein' on the lawn
Or seein' the reefers keep the beat
Chorus:
Tickets in my wallet
Tickets on the street
Buyin' tickets on the crosswalk
In the middle of the week
Over-priced tickets in my pocket
Over-priced tickets on the bus
There's a little bit of ticketmaster annoying everyone of us
--Spoken:
"The future. Ticketmaster, ticket price two thousand and something."
We're two years from the millenium
That's a science fiction fact
Jimmy Buffett and his buddy Fingers
Now don't look that abstract
So I'll be dialin' on my telephone
And practice my speed-dial technique
Get Jah lost in the busy signal mon
As I swear at the son of a beach
Reach out and touch with my cellular phone is really the only way
Its shut-out year again kiddies
Have a very shitty day
Hey.
Chorus:
No Tickets in the galaxy
No Tickets left on the earth
I was on the phone for an eternity
I've been shut-out since my birth
Over-priced tickets in my pocket
Over-priced tickets on the bus
There's a little bit of ticketmaster annoying everyone of us
--Spoken:
"That's right, you too. Yeah those tickets are spread all around this universe. I've seen tickets. I saw this guy in Santa Monica sellin' tickets on the crosswalk. Down in New Orleans in the French market there are tickets like you cannot believe. New York, forget it. Shut-out city. Down island, we've got tickets. Spread them tickets around. That's right, we want 'em"
GROWING WISER BUT NOT MAD
With apologies to Jimmy Buffett
by David McEwan (1999)
I punched the dial with a hint of a smile
As I dreamed of a covered pavilion
My heart went cold when they put me on hold
Am I going to end up spending millions?
I'm no Bill Gates, I can't pretend
Though my wallet's quite flexible these credit cards don't bend
Chorus:
I'm growing wiser but not mad
This isn't the worst luck I've ever had
Let those other people camp out in the snow
I'd rather pay TicketMaster than miss Jimmy's show
Sometimes I see me shopping for a CD
As the weather turns grayer and colder
With an eye toward the day just a few months away
[Tho' that pop star keeps getting older]
I'll take the lawn, me and my friends
Though the phans are quite phlexible that TicketMachine don't bend
Chorus:
I'm growing wiser but not mad
This isn't the worst luck I've ever had
Let the younger people camp out in the snow
I'd rather pay TicketMaster than miss Jimmy's show
Now don't get me wrong
This is not a sad song
[But nor is it a heap of manure]
I'll tell you the truth as you line up for the booth
Nobody ever died from missing a tour
Hey, what the hell, I'm trying right to the end
But the ways grow more complicated and the means grow more thin
JEDI POWERS
(aka Margaritaville)
by Drew Cohen(1999)
Buying cheap liquor, is makin me sicker,
And these concerts tickets are making me poor,
Perfect margaritas, should be waiting to greet us,
And New Years is gonna cost us more,
Spending away again in Margaritaville,
You want five bucks for a shaker of salt?
Some people claim that Mr. Buffett is to blame,
But I know, I still come back
I bought a t-shirt, and certified beach dirt,
Spent all the money I thought I had saved,
For some money well spent, even if I miss rent
And now Jimmy says now it's time for to play,
Spending away again in Margaritaville,
You want five bucks for a shaker of salt?
Some people claim that Mr. Buffett is to blame,
But I know, I still come back
On the way to the party, Barefeet stepped too hardy,
Cut my foot up on broken glass,
God I still feel pain, NO MONEY FOR COCAINE!
And now those bills are just kickin' my ass
Spending away again in Margaritaville,
You want five bucks for a shaker of salt?
Some people claim that Mr. Buffett is to blame,
But I know, I still come back
But now I know the reason, I sit drinkin' all season,
Numbs my mind from reality,
So pour out the rum shots,
And lets spend all that we gots,
By the end of the night it won't matter to me
Spending away again in Margaritaville,
You want five bucks for a shaker of salt?
Some people claim that Mr. Buffett is to blame,
But I know, I still come back
TARGREETAVILLE
by Jacqueline (2001)
Pushin' carts, watchin' the time fly
Gathering strays as I go by
Bosses are calling, people are asking
My temper's beginning to boil
Chorus
Wastin' away again in Targreetaville
Searchin' for my paycheck
Some people claim that it's too late at night
But I know it's no ones fault
I do not have the answer, the bosses are calling
Nothing to do but hang up clothes
But it's ok, hey it's a new day
New autograph t-shirt in month or two
Chorus
Wastin' away again in Targreetaville
Searchin' for my paycheck
Some people claim that it's too late at night
But I know it's no ones fault
Some people claim it's too late at night
Now I think, it is my fault
Pulled out the ad
Said Jimmy's shirts go on sale today
Some agreed most oh no another one
But there's booze in the blender and I am no defender
I still like it forget you
Wastin' away again in Targreetaville
Searchin' for my paycheck
Some people claim that it's too late at night
But I know it's no ones fault
OVER-FORTY-VILLE
by Randy Estes (2000)
"I turned 40 last year and wrote the words to this song to help ease the pain."
Nibbling on Rice Cakes, drinking Tofu Shakes
Dreaming of french fries all covered in oil.
Stretching my hamstring, on my front porch swing
Noticed my Nikes are worn out and soiled!
Chasing the Fat Away in Over-Forty-Ville
Searching for my most optimum weight
Some people claim that there's no gain without pain!
But I know, they're the people I hate!
I don't know the Reason, I got skates last season.
Those cool Roller Blades all shiny and new!
But I found out there's a Trick, and I couldn't stop quick
And that's why my left side is all black and blue!
Chasing the Fat Away in Over-Forty-Ville
Searching for my most optimum weight
Some people claim that there's no gain without pain!
But I know, they're the people I hate!
I blew out my Right Knee, So I took up Tai Chi
Paid Hundreds of dollars on Video Tapes
But I'm just a beginner, And I kept thinking of Dinner
And all of that fiber makes me flatulate!
Chasing the Fat Away in Over-Forty-Ville
Searching for my most optimum weight
Some people claim that there's no gain without pain!
But I know, they're the people I hate!
Yes and ...
Some people claim that there's no gain without pain!
But I know, that I just can't relate!
THE BALLAD OF THE GOP
by Drew Cohen (1999)
Now I'm no dinosaur,
But I think that you'll agree,
Cause I've been listening to Buffett,
Since the summer of '73
And Buffett used to sing to us,
About robbing liquor stores
Oh the stories he would tell,
About God's Own Drunk and whores
But now please note, I am not bitter,
I'm over stage number 8
I realized it wasn't his music,
And it wasn't his lifestyle I hate
With this new fangled internet I have access
To when Jimmy sits down on the can
And sometimes when I concentrate,
I can hear toilet paper ripping in his hand
We have COBO and NG's
and listserves and such,
All provided for us,
By men who are just like us
It's incredible how it all changes,
I wish for the good old days,
When the only way I saw Buffett,
Was looking up through an alcoholic haze
Now don't get me wrong I am happy,
To see him when he comes around
But dammit I wish we'd get rid of,
All the fans that don't wear a frown!
There's stages for people just like me,
When they realize Buffett ain't all,
But still I can go to Key West,
And have myself a ball
I've met friends and given my knowledge,
Of the reasons to be parrothead,
But still those damn hippies are smokin',
Along with the Grateful Dead
As for us we make do with a cover,
Oh Jimmy please please us some more,
Bring it back to the good old robberies,
And the stories about aging whores
But when I get tired of tirades,
I smile a bit and I say,
Welcome to Buffett all peoples,
Just remember get ready to pay
There's T-Shirts and felt hats and cd's,
And thats just to name a few,
Restaurants and and bars and new gadgets,
Lets not even go into club dues.
Now it's time to go home my dear Norman,
I think I'll just become a monk
Naw wait, I got a better one,
Lets go to a bar and get drunk
This page last updated May 8, 2001
Return to the Jimmy Buffett Parody section
Return to the GrrRizly Homestead
Sign the GrrRizly Guestbook
View the GrrRizly Guestbook
This Parrot Head Ring site
is owned by
GrrRizly.
Click for the
[Previous]
[Random]
[Next 5]
[Next Site]
Go here for information.
