I have finally figured out how fast-food restaurants decide who gets

to work which jobs. And it's all so simple: They just *ask* the new

employees a few basic questions! It probably goes something like

this:

Manager: Hello, and welcome to BurgerWorld. We're sure that you are

going to absolutely *love* working here over the next three weeks.

And to ensure that we match each of you to the ideal crew-member

position in the store, we'd like you each to answer a few simple

questions. First you, Steve. Suppose a customer's order is $4.37.

The customer hands you $5.12. What do you do?

Steve: Well, the *first* thing I'd do is give him back the extra

dime. Then I'd calculate his change, which should be ... uh ...

forty seven cents?

Manager: Good job! We'll put you on the cash register. Okay, you're

next, Marcy. Things have been a little slow today, and the bin is

nearly empty. Suddenly, a school bus pulls up outside, and sixty

high school seniors pile out of it. What do you do?

Marcy: Oh, gee, um, I don't know. Fix my hair?

Manager: Oooh, good answer! We'll put you in charge of french fries.

... Okay, and the last question is for you, Semrpthr#ckidsh. Am I

pronouncing that correctly?

Semrpthr#ckidsh: AHHH-LO?

Manager: I said, "Am I pronouncing that correctly?"

Semrpthr#ckidsh: AHHH-LO?

Manager: Could You Please Tell Me How To Pro-Nounce Your Name?

Semrpthr#ckidsh: AHHH-LO?

Manager: Hmmm. <thinking> CAN YOU SAY, "WELCOME TO BURGERWORLD"?

Semrpthr#ckidsh: AHHH-LO?

Manager: Here, put on this headset. You're working the drive-thru.

I swear, that has GOT to be the system they use. If there are a

dozen crew members working in the store, the one working the drive

thru will be the only one who has been in the country for less than

thirty minutes.

There has to be a good explanation. Personally, I think it might

very well be that the American kids aren't smart enough to push the

button and talk at the same time. I'm serious about that. I've run

across only ONE American kid working a drive-thru window recently --

and her transmissions went something like this:

"-m to BurgerWorld."

"-ake your order?"

"-ies with that?"

"and thirty seven cents."

Me: Excuse me? I didn't catch the dollar amount.

"and thirty seven cents."

Me: Could you please try pressing the button BEFORE you start

speaking?

"-irty seven cents."

Me: Thank you.

"-ooh the first window."

Me: Roger that.

Perhaps the obvious solution is for me to stop frequenting such

classy establishments. After all, we've already established that I'm

not very adept at this whole drive-thru thing. (See Collage 188; you

WON'T be disappointed.) The problem is, most of the time, my only

alternative is to try to cook for myself.

Let's just say that there's a *reason* I have the phone number to

Domino's Pizza written on the side of my measuring cup.