TO MY DEAR WIFE:

During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I

have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of about once every ten

days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

34 times the sheets were clean

17 times it was too late

49 times you were too tired

20 times it was too early

15 times it was too hot

3 times you said the neighbors would hear us

22 times you had a headache

7 times you were sunburned

9 times you said your mother would hear us

43 times you weren't in the mood

17 times you were afraid of waking the baby

6 times you were watching the late show on tv

5 times you didn't want to mess up your hairdo

16 times you said you were too sore

12 times it was the wrong time of the month

34 times you had to get up too early

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me there was a crack

in the ceiling, 14 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7

times I had to wake you up to tell you I had finished, and once I was

afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

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TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons

you did not get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat

44 times you did not come home at all

21 times you did not cum

33 times you came too soon

19 times you went soft before you got it in

10 times your toes were in a cramp

30 times you worked too late

29 times you had to get up early to play golf

2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls

4 times you caught it in your zipper

3 times your coffee was too hot and you burned your tongue

3 times you had a cold and your nose kept running

2 times you had a splinter in your finger

20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day

6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book

98 times you were too busy watching football on tv

>Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because

you missed and you were fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking about the

crack in the ceiling; what I said was, "Would you like me on my back or

kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was

trying to breathe.