I keep my eyes open, though it isn't really difficult to tell the

assholes from the good guys. How can you tell if you or one of your

friends is an asshole? Check out the list below. If you are guilty of

any of the following, you are an asshole!

_________________________________________________________________

1. If you submit your homepage to any one search engine more than

once...you are an asshole!

2. If you submit your homepage as NUDEnakedNUDEnakedNUDE or anything

even remotely similar....you are an asshole!

3. If you take up two parking spaces for one fucking car...you are

an asshole!

4. If you park in a handicapped space and you are not

handicapped...you are an asshole!

5. If you tie up 12 year old girls and then rape them...you are an

asshole! (this one cannot be stressed enough)

6. If you complain about the government, yet don't vote...you are an

asshole!

7. If you believe everything your government tells you...you are an

asshole!

8. If you believe Oliver Stone and spout out his theories everywhere

you go...you are an asshole!

9. If you make decisions when you don't know shit about a

subject...you are an asshole!

10. If you think Nancy Reagan is a goddess and we should all just

un-thinkingly say "no" to any question made to us...you are an

asshole!

11. If you would like to regulate the internet...you are an asshole!

12. If you have ever robbed a pizza delivery shop in San Diego, and

you are white dudes, wearing ski masks and Mexican type clothing

(trying to mislead us?) who pointed a gun in my face in January

of 1992...you are an asshole! (and by the way I would take you on

any day of the week if we were equally armed you pussies!)

13. If you refuse to wait your turn and instead cut into line at

every opportunity...you are an asshole!

14. If you are a racist...you are an asshole! (do you even know your

own race? (White is not a race...)

15. If you laugh at every single "Far Side" comic...you are an

asshole! (some of them you will undoubtedly not understand and

there are some that are just not funny)

16. If you wanna be like me...you are an asshole!

17. If you advocate censorship in any way, shape (like a circle), or

form (hopefully the EZ)...you are an asshole!

18. If you fart noisily and then laugh while pointing at your

buddies...you are an asshole!

19. If you ask stupid questions and then get pissed off when returned

with stupid answers...you are an asshole!

20. If you brag about how good your girlfriend is in bed and then get

mad when your friends take her for a test spin...you are an

asshole!

21. If you are found laughing and when questioned why you are

laughing you respond with some stupid answer like "private

joke"...you are an asshole!

22. If you get good service in a restaurant and yet don't tip...you

are an asshole! (and there is NO forgiveness for failing to tip

the pizza dude, unless he bashes into your car!)

23. If you created the spelling for "restaurant"...you are an

asshole!

24. If you watch 28 hours of television a week and then say that you

don't read because you don't have time...you are an asshole!

25. If you accept submissions to your home page and you then lose

some of them...you are an asshole!

26. If you pick your nose and then flick your boogers at other cars

while stopped at a stop light...you are an asshole!

27. If you piss into the vats of beer at the brewery...you are an

asshole!

28. If you beat off into the mayonnaise jar...you are an asshole!

29. If you use all the toilet paper but don't replace it...you are an

asshole!

30. If you have fog lights on your car and leave them on whether

there is fog or not...you are an asshole!

31. If you park in the middle of a two way street to talk with one of

your buddies in the opposite lane, and therefore block

traffic...you are an asshole!

32. If you don't support your local sports teams until they start to

win lots of games...you are an asshole!

33. If you then stop supporting your local sports teams as soon as

they start to lose...you are an asshole!

34. If you worship movie stars and go faint when in their

presence...you are an asshole!

35. If you drive drunk...you are an asshole!

36. If you think you are better than everyone else 'cause you've got

more money than them...you are an asshole!

37. If you smoke in a non-smoking section...you are an asshole!

38. If you are some shit-for-brains-let's-regulate-everybody-and-

tell-everyone-what-they-can-and-can't-do-let's-outlaw-smoking-

everywhere-except-outside kind of person...you are an asshole!

39. If you commit a crime, get caught and sent to prison, but think

it is unfair...you are an asshole!

40. If you never return your library books...you are an asshole!

41. If you go through life thinking that everyone else is an

asshole...you are an asshole!

42. If you think welfare is an occupation...you are an asshole!

43. If you take more than 10 items into the "10 items or less"

express lane at the supermarket...you are an asshole!