During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times.

I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10

days.

The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

1. We will wake the kids................................54 times

2. It's too late........................................15 times

3. I'm too tired........................................42 times

4. It's too early.......................................12 times

5. It's too hot.........................................18 times

6. Pretending to be asleep..............................31 times

7. The neighbors will hear...............................9 times

8. Headache or backache.................................26 times

9. Sunburn..............................................10 times

10. Your mother will hear us..............................9 times

11. Not in the mood......................................21 times

12. Watching the late show...............................17 times

13. Too sore.............................................26 times

14. New hairdo............................................6 times

15. Wrong time of the month..............................14 times

16. You had to go to the bathroom........................19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy.

Love, Your Hubby

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I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you

didn't get more than you did this past year:

1. Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat..............23 times

2. Did not come home at all................................36 times

3. Did not come............................................21 times

4. Came too soon...........................................38 times

5. Went soft before you got it in..........................19 times

6. Cramps in your leg......................................16 times

7. Working too late........................................33 times

8. You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat.............29 times

9. Caught yourself in your zipper...........................15 times

10. You had a cold and your nose kept running...............21 times

11. You had burned your tongue on hot coffee.................9 times

12. You had a splinter in your finger.......................11 times

13. You lost the notion after thinking about it.............42 times

14. Came in your pj's after reading a dirty book............16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time , I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling-what I said was "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air.

Love, Your Wife