SUBJ: How to Write a College Paper

 

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted place with

plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

 

2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you

understand it.

 

3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you

concentrate.

 

4. Stop off at the third floor, on the way back and visit with your

friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet

either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help

you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed,

double-spaced,and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic

folders,drop him.

 

5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable

chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly

sharpened pencils.

 

6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you

understand it.

 

7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since

fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it our of

the way so you can concentrate.

 

8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

 

9. Listen to one side of your favorite CD and that's it, I mean it,

as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.

 

10. Listen to the other side.

 

11. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.

 

12. Phone your friend on the third floor and ask if he's started

writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the

course, the university, the world at large.

 

13. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted

place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

 

14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your

tongue; savor its special flavor.

 

15. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing

something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in

less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt.

Preston of the Yukon is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: a)

Pro Bowler's Tour b) any movie starring Don Ameche.

 

16. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.

 

17. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching.

Discuss the finer points of the plot.

 

18. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.

 

19. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who

everyone is.

 

20. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the

future.

 

21. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious

trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.

 

22. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted

place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

 

23. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the hell of it.

 

24. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the

sunrise.

 

25. Lie face down on the floor and moan.