First of all, we need to discuss some things that you CANNOT say to

the "love of your life" (or "wife," depending upon how far along the

relationship has progressed) under ANY circumstances. Some of these

will come as a surprise to many of you; you'll simply have to trust

me on them. Remember, I'm a professional. Much like the IRS, I'm here

to help you.

Avoid the following at all cost:

1. When she asks, "Do I look fat to you?" -- do NOT ask her to

take a couple of steps back.

2. Never refer to her toothbrush as "the guest toothbrush."

ESPECIALLY after she has started brushing.

3. "Yeah ... for a girl," is NEVER an acceptable answer to the

question, "Do you think I'm smart?"

4. When she asks you why you don't open her door and hold her

coat, do NOT respond "Because I don't want to subvert you."

(IMPORTANT NOTE: Only *she* is allowed to use the "s" word.)

5. Answering "Who?" (or "Which one?") in response to "Do you

think she's prettier than I am?" will *never* end that line of

questioning.

6. Though it SOUNDS cute, "Does a bear [dump] in the woods?" is

NEVER a good answer to the staple prompt, "Do you love me?"

On the brighter side, here are some basic answers that you *can*

feel free to provide at any time (do your best to tie them into the

conversation as best you can, though):

1. "Yes, dear, I thought of nothing but you during my entire

business trip/ski trip/ClubMed cruise."

2. "Of *course* it doesn't bother me that you are *constantly*

asking if I love you. It only serves to reinforce my deep and

unwavering devotion to you."

3. "There is no other female more desirable than you in the

entire world. And CERTAINLY not on any other worlds."

4. "Of *course* you can set up a private shrine to your dead

grandmother on top of the fireplace. Nothing else could possibly

look as good up there."

5. "You are entirely right. I was completely wrong. Whatever it

was, I have NO idea how I could possibly have done something

that stupid."

6. "Yes, your mother can come live with us. I'd love that."

7. "I really didn't need all that closet space, anyway."

8. "Yes."

9. "No."

10. "Yes, reservations will be fine."

I certainly hope that men everywhere will find these suggestions to

be as useful as I have. And if you manage to screw up, anyway (let's

face it: it's going to happen), remember the MOST IMPORTANT pointers

of all:

1. Though better than *nothing*, the Whitman's Sampler

really just ain't cutting it.

2. Never, EVER buy flowers at a supermarket.