Jokes for Women Only
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? Close the door
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When do you care for a man’s company? When he owns it.
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How can you tell if your husband’s dead?
Sex is the same but he doesn’t smell of beer anymore.
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Why do men get married?
So they don’t have to hold their stomachs in anymore.
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How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
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Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
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Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
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How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.
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What’s the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
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What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They’re married.
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Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
So they can find their way back to the house.
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Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.
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What’s the quickest way to lose 180lbs of ugly fat? Divorce your husband.
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What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower? A widower.
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What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.
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What are the words women hate to hear when she’s enjoying great sex?
"Hi, honey! I’m home!"
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Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says:
"So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."