"JUST HER SIZE" (Men Are From Sears, Women Are FromNordstrom)I believe that, in general, women are saner than men. For example, Ifyou see people who have paid good money to stand in an outdoorstadium on a freezing December day wearing nothing on the upperhalves of their bodies except paint, those people will be male. Without males, there would be no such sport as professional lawn mower racing. Also, there would be a 100 decline in the annual numberof deaths related to efforts to shoot beer cans off of heads. Also,if women were in charge of all the world's nations, there would be, Isincerely believe this, virtually no military conflicts, and if therewere a military conflict, everybody involved would feel just awfuland there would soon be a high- level exchange of thoughtful noteswritten on greeting cards with flowers on the front, followed by aPeace Luncheon (which would be salads, with the dressing on theside). So I sincerely believe that women are wiser than men, with theexception of one key area, and that area is: clothing sizes. In thisparticular area, women are insane. When a man shops for clothes, his primary objective is to purchase clothes that fit on his particular body. A man will try on a pair ofpants, and if those pants are too small, he'll try on a larger pair,and when he finds a pair that fits, he buys them. Most men do notspend a lot of time fretting about the size of their pants. Many menwear jeans with the size printed right on the back label, so that ifyou're standing behind a man in a supermarket line, you can read hiswaist and inseam size. A man could have, say, a 52-inch waist and a 30-inch inseam, and his label will proudly display this information,which is basically the same thing as having a sign that says: "Howdy!My back end is the size of a Federal Express truck!" The situation isvery different with women. When a woman shops for clothes, her primary objective is NOT to find clothes that fit her particular body. She would like for that to bethe case, but her primary objective is to purchase clothes that arethe size she wore when she was 19 years old. This will be somearbitrary number such as "5" or "7." Don't ask me "5" or "7" of what;that question has baffled scientists for centuries. All I know isthat if a woman was a size 5 at age 19, she wants to be a size 5 now,and if a size 5 outfit does not fit her, she will not move on to alarger size: She can't! Her size is 5! So she will keep trying onsize 5 items, and unless they start fitting her, she will become extremely unhappy. She may take this unhappiness out on her husband, who is waitingpatiently in the mall, perhaps browsing in the Sharper Image store,trying to think of how he could justify purchasing a pair ofnight-vision binoculars. "Hi!" he'll say, when his wife finds him."You know how sometimes the electricity goes out at night and..." "AmI fat?" she'll ask, cutting him off. This is a very bad situation forthe man, because if he answers "yes," she'll be angry because he'ssaying that she's fat, and if he answers "no," she'll be angrybecause HE'S OBVIOUSLY LYING BECAUSE NONE OF THE SIZE 5's FIT HER. There is no escape for the husband. I think a lot of unexplaineddisappearances occur because guys in malls see their wives unsuccessfully trying on outfits, and they realize their lives willbe easier if, before their wives come out and demand to know whetherthey're fat, the guys just run off and join a UFO cult. The other day my wife, Michelle, was in a terrific mood, and you knowwhy? Because she had successfully put on a size 6 outfit. She saidthis made her feel wonderful. She said, and this is a direct quote:"I wouldn't care if these pants were this big (here she held her armsfar apart) as long as they have a '6' on them." Here's how you could get rich: Start a women's clothing store called"SIZE 2," in which all garments, including those that were originallyintended to be restaurant awnings, had labels with the words "SIZE2." I bet you'd sell clothes like crazy. You'd probably get rich, andyou could retire, maybe take up some philanthropic activity tobenefit humanity. I'm thinking here of professional lawn mowerracing.