GRANADA HILLS, CA - Bill Adler, UNIX System Administrator and father

of two girls, has announced plans to outsource his children to a

private enterprise specializing in child rearing as part of his

family's cost-saving effort. Adler said that his request for

proposals will go out later this Spring, and that he hopes that a

contractor will be in place by Summer 1997.

Adler says that he anticipates saving 25% of his child rearing

expenses by hiring a company that specializes in the field. He

believes that between the things that his kids destroy, the wear and

tear the kids put on the family residence and vehicles, and the

other expenses such as sports, scouts, and lessons, he should be

able to a pay a private firm about 75% of what he currently spends

on his children.

Although his children have expressed concern that being raised by

non-parents would be impersonal and would deprive them of some of

their current privileges, Adler has worked to alleviate their fears.

He held a family dinner meeting to announce the decision and told

the kids that mere parents don't really know how to raise kids until

the kids are grown. This is obvious because every grandparent on the

street has advice to give to any parent they meet. A professional

child-rearing service would already know how to raise children and

not make the mistakes of a rookie parent.

The outsource proposal requires companies to provide the children

with benefits at least the same overall level as they receive at

home, with some benefits (TV hours for example) expanding, and

others (parental attention) declining. The proposal mandates certain

"core" benefits -- food, clothing, and schooling -- but leaves the

non-core (music, sports, television) at the discretion of the

contractor.

The outsourcing would phase in over a six-month period, with the

children initially spending daytime hours at their outsource site

and sleeping at their parent's home, but as space becomes available

off site, the children will begin spending all their time away from

home except when they are desperately needed at home (for example,

when yardwork needs to be done).

The children originally expressed dismay at residing off site, but

Adler told them that they would have weekly visitation to the house

to retrieve any personal belongings, get new books, and perform

their musical instruments for and talk to their parents. This would

also allow the kids to visit their pets (two dogs, three cats) -- at

least until phase 2 of Adler's cost cutting plan, which includes

outsourcing the family pets.

Adler would not say where he came up with the idea of outsourcing

the children, other than to admit that he and his wife were having a

discussion about family finances which illustrated the need to raise

the family in a "cheaper, faster, better" mode. Although his wife

was initially reluctant to have the children raised off site, Adler

convinced her to accept the scheme because she, too, was eligible

for "outsourcing."