The Top 16 Improvements to the Hubble Telescope

16> Special 1-hour lenses from Lenscrafters now allow it to see

really, REALLY, *REALLY* far.

15> SBTS (Shapely Buttocks Targeting System) enhances astronomers'

lonely evenings.

14> New Super Big Gulp size cup holder and one of those little

pine tree air fresheners.

13> When pointed toward earth, it can... HEY, YOU!!! IN THE RED

SHIRT! STOP PICKING YOUR NOSE!

12> Bitchin' speaker stacks that blast "We Will Rock You" when

orbiting over Iraq.

11> Special kaleidoscope attachment for when the acid kicks in.

10> After 3 years and over $50 million of troubleshooting, they

finally removed the lens cap.

9> Warning on lens mirror now reads: "OBJECTS IN MIRROR ARE

LIGHTYEARS CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR."

8> Gigantic Louisville Slugger installed to protect earth against

asteroids.

7> "Toy Surprise" built into every new piece, for that day when

they plummet to Earth.

6> By focusing huge magnifying glass, scientists can burn ants

with pinpoint accuracy.

5> Much improved reception on the All-Alien-Sex channel.

4> New enhancement lets you record one galaxy while watching

another.

3> Corrective lenses have giant mustache and fake nose attached

for "Groucho" effect.

2> The new guy in charge of focus and zoom? Larry Flynt.

and the Number 1 Improvement to the Hubble Telescope...

1> "Gigantic Impending Earth-Destroying Asteroid" scraped off lens

and put back in gum wrapper foil; Russians warned about further

practical jokes.