Fart Jokes

Fart Classifications


Silent But Deadly (SBD) Fart

The type that remains totally inaudible, yet somehow causes all the occupants of a room to collapse. Can smell like anything, nasal investigators rarely have time to distinguish an odor.


Eggy Fart

Smells very much like rotten eggs (or Hydrogen Sulphide). A powerful odor which tends to put people off lunch. Often rips out in the fashion of a Bunbuster.


Windy Fart

The sort of fart which goes 'Whoosh', and is more felt than heard. A little like an SBD, but louder and considerably less toxic.


Growling Fart

Happens deep within the rectum (and therefore has no smell). Somehow never meets the light of day. Tends to growl like a dog at the vets.


Worrying Fart

The kind which seems to be a fart right up to the point at which you release it. At this stage matters become less sure, as it feels too solid for comfort. You go to the bathroom and check your underpants at the next possible opportunity.


Prelude To A Poopie

You feel like you have got a large beefy one, but out comes a tiny squeaker fart, and the head of something massive. You tense your buttocks fast, lest you give birth to the brown equivalent of a zeppelin.


Compost Fart

You know the compost heap that a gardener keeps at the bottom of the garden? Well if you jump on it you will have some idea of what a compost fart sounds and smells like. Do not attempt this one while you have company.


Beefy One

Sounds loud, and butch eg. 'BRAAAAMMPPP!' Will smell a bit like the rotting offspring of a B.S.E infected cow and a dog-turd.


Present (a.k.a 'Time I Wasn't Here' Fart)

The type of fart which seems harmless, but then brings a small poopie as a housewarming gift. You shuffle off to the toilet, and thank God you weren't in a business meeting when it happened. If you were in a business meeting of course, you're screwed.


Squeaky Fart

Sounds like 'Wheeek'. Normally smells foul.


Bunbuster Fart

AAA!' Sounds like a Beefy one, except much more sudden and much much more powerful. Generally smells eggy or beefy. Leaves your asshole smarting. You really feel these babies.


Trouser Ripping Special

Sends ripples to the next city. Rips the back of your pants. This fart genuinely hurts, and you can still feel it 20 minutes later. Anyone sitting nearby at the time will suffer hearing loss.


Escape Pod Fart

You think you got away with this one. You forced it out as silently as possible, and nobody heard. You take deep sniffs through your nose, as discreetly as possible. You smell nothing but your deodorant. Then 30 seconds later, as if released from a stasis field, everyone starts to cough and splutter. You point to the person next to you and try to look innocent.


Brewer Fart

You try to push a brewer fart the last furlong, but it stays firmly lodged deep within your bowels. You come to the conclusion that it is some form of gaseous landmark.


Sphinctal Napalm

Tends to occur a few hours after a hot curry. Nevermind the smell, worry about the burning sensation and the nasty stain you know it must have left.


Stalker Fart

Occurs when you leave the room to politely fart elsewhere, and save people the trouble of breathing your flatulent devils breath. You go back into the room, but LO! The foul nasal bombardment has followed you, and you are duly criticised for poor manners.


Burble Fart
Bubbly!
On The Spot Fart
You didn't even know it was there, but suddenly 'Brrmp'.
Not Now! (a.k.a Anal Control Fart)

You feel the presence of a mighty fart, and are unable to release it due to your situation. Happens on first dates, at important meetings, and on other such inexcusable occasions. You clench your buttocks together so hard that you nearly give yourself a stroke, and wait for the pressure to subside. Success depends on a number of factors, but Sods law tends to win out in the end.


Hydrated Flatulation (a.k.a Wet Fart)

The original wet fart, which leaves a mark on your pants, and gives you a cold wet sticky sensation when you walk. You might not like this little bugger, but you feel right at home with it.


GNL Fart

Gambled 'n' lost. You take a gamble that it's going to be a fart and stay where you are, but realize tragically that this is much more than a fart...


Underwater Fart

Often done in the bath, or while swimming. Sounds like the engine of a nuclear sub. Can be smelt on rising to the surface, and experienced windbreakers will often catch the fart in an upturned jam jar, in order to set light to them.


Gunshot Fart

Gunshot farts sound just like a gunshot. They are exceedingly rare. In fact they are so rare that most people don't know they even exist. One report continues: "I have only witnessed one gunshot fart myself, my own, and almost scared the poop out of my girlfriend who was lying asleep beside me at the time. She thought it was a gunshot, and it was so named." A few others have refered to these rare creatures, so proving their existance.


Tandem Fart

Tandem Farts are the worst smelling and longest lasting farts ever to be recorded. They are so named since they are the only fart that is detectable by the nose on a Tandem bicycle (bicycle built for two) as it is being pedaled. A tandem fart occurs when the captain of the bike farts and the stoker smells it. As you can imagine, the fart most be extremely strong to compete with the wind and to get to the stoker's nose. Extremely disgusting farts off of a tandem are sometimes called Tandem farts, but they can never be confirmed as true Tandem.


The types of people who fart:

The Vain Person: One who loves the smell of his own farts.
The Amiable Person: One who loves the smell of other peoples farts.
The Proud Person: One who thinks his farts are exceptionally fine.
The Shy Person: One who releases silent farts and then blushes.
The Impudent Person: One who farts loudly and then laughs.
The Scientific Person: One who farts regularly but is truly concerned about air pollution.
The Unfortunate Person: One who tries awfully hard to fart but shits instead.
The Nervous Person: One who stops in the middle of a fart.
The Honest Person: One who admits he farted but offers a medical reason for it.
The Dishonest Person: One who farts and then blames the dog.The
Foolish Person: One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.
The Thrifty Person: One who always has several farts in reserve.
The Antisocial Person: One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.
The Strategic Person: One who conceals his farts with loud laughter.
The Sadistic Person: One who farts in bed and then fluffs the bedcovers over his bed mates head.
The Intellectual Person: One who determines from the smell of his neighbor's fart as precisely the latest food item he consumed.
The Athletic Person: One who farts at the slightest exertion:
The Miserable Person: One who would truly love to, but can't fart at all.
The Sensitive Person: One who farts and then bursts into tears.


Doctor "Doctor, I've had problems with silent gas emissions. At home, work, or at church I get lots of silent gas emissions. As a matter of fact I've had three sitting here talking to you. What are we going to do?"


Patient "The first thing we're going to do is check your hearing"

Q.What do you call a solid fart?
A.A piece of shit!
BOOM! BOOM!

After the Avon convention finished up in the convention room in the basement of the hotel, the top saleslady got in the elevator to go to her room. She'd been holding in a fart all night and was glad that the elevator was empty so she could rip away. When she was finished, she noticed that the odor was rather potent, so she pulled out the brand new pine-scented air freshener sample that was passed out earlier that night. After several spritzes, she thought the odor was taken care of. The elevator stopped in the lobby and old geezer stepped on. He looked around and said, "What the hell is that *smell*?" She replied, "Oh, do you like it? It's Avon's newest air freshener, Country Pine." He then said, "Hell, it smells like someone just shit a Christmas tree!"


Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go t