Lawyer Jokes
Blind Baby Animals
One day a blind baby rabbit and a blind baby snake bumped into each
other.
"Hey, watch where you're going".
"No, you watch where you're going".
"I can't, I'm blind".
"Hey, me too. What are you?".
"I don't know, what are you?".
"I don't know... How about we check each other out and see if we can figure out what we are?".
"OK, me first".
The snake comes over to the rabbit and starts checking him out: "You're warm, and soft, and furry,
and you've got these long ears, and a nose that wiggles...I think you're
a rabbit!".
"Yes!" the rabbit exclaims "I'm a rabbit,
YEHHH !!".
"Yes you must be, now my turn, come check me out!!"
The rabbit then starts checking out the snake: "Ooohh...you're cold,
with beady little eyes and a tongue that's going about 100 mph..."
"Oh fuck!" exclaims the snake, "I must be a lawyer!".
One evening, three friends were chatting about their respective professions.
They were a doctor, a lawyer and an engineer. After many 'war stories',
the group began arguing over which of their professions was created first.
The doctor argued; "In the very beginning, Genesis chapter 1, God
took a rib from Adam and created Eve. Therefore, God was a surgeon
and mine was the first profession."
The engineer agreed, "Yes, you are right about God being a surgeon.
But remember before Adam & Eve, God created the Earth and the entire
Universe from chaos. Therefore, God was an engineer. This proves
that engineers came even before doctors."
The lawyer, smiling quietly asked, "Who do you think created the chaos?"
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off
you when you die.
Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? Stick his bill
up his rear.
What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman.
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? If one side has one, the other
side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they
land, they screw up everything forever.
Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? Lipstick.
What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane? Skeet.
What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
Chelsea.
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit
him? It might be your bicycle.
It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) ...it was so cold,
I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's
rates. "$50.00 for three questions," replied the lawyer. "Isn't
that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied,
"and what was your third question?"
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You
have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
