religious

Religous Jokes
Why God does not have a Ph.D

       1.He had only one major publication.
       2.It was in Hebrew.
       3.It had no references.
       4.It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
       5.Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
       6.It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
       7.His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
       8.The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
       9.He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
      10.When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
      11.When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
      12.He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
      13.Some say he had his son teach the class.
      14.He expelled his first two students for learning.
      15.Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.
      16.His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.

How to respond in a crisis:
After calling 911, an atheist rushed into an ecumenical worship : service and shouted, "The building is on fire!"

      Baptists cried, "Where is the water?"
      Christian Scientists agreed that there was no fire.
      Lutherans nailed a notice to the door declaring that the fire was : unjustified. :
      Quakers calmly praised God for the blessings that fire brings. :
      Jews painted symbols on the doorframe hoping that the fire would : pass over. :
      Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out in grand style. :
      Unitarians toasted marshmellows. :
      Presbyterians appointed a chairperson who was to appoint a committee : to look into the matter.
     Catholics asked the pope if the fire was okay. He smiled, waved, and said "Thank you; I go."
     Jehovah's Witnesses quickly went door to door to tell others about the fire and its significance.

The New Priest

The new priest was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit he asked the Monsignor how he could relax.
The Monsignor said, "Next Sunday, it may help if you put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips, everything should go smoothly." The next Sunday, the
new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great. However, upon returning to the rectory, he found a note from the
Monsignor. It read:

     1. Next time, sip rather than gulp.
     2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
     3. There are 12 Disciples, not 10.
     4. We do not refer to the cross as the big "T".
     5. The recommended grace before meals is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
     6. Do not refer to our savior, Jesus Christ and his apostles as "J.C. and The Boys".
     7. David slew Goliath. He did not "kick the shit out of him."
     8. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are never referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior, and The Spook".
     9. It is always the Virgin Mary, never "Mary with the Cherry".
     10. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s. There will not be a Peter pulling     contest at St. Taffy’s.

Adam and Eve

A man who went to Church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a long hat pin along to poke him with it every time he would doze off. As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out "... and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th?" she poked her husband, who came flying out of the pew and screamed "Good God all mighty".

The minister said "That's right, that's right" and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under his breath, and later began to doze off again when the minister got to "... and who died on the cross to save us from our sins?" the wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted "Jesus Christ". The Minister said "That's right, that's Right" and went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to "... and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child?" the wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and said "If you stick that damn thing in me again I'll break it off".

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position. The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy. "How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness", the father explains as he hauls the child away. At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that shit in here," the priest says.

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question.
The priest says after consulting the Bible," My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays." The man thinks: "What does a priest know of sex?" He goes to minister ... a married man, experienced..for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply..Sex is work and not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge ... a rabbi.
The rabbi ponders the question and states," My son, sex is definitely play."
The man replies," Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!"
The Rabbi softly speaks," If sex were work ... my wife would have the maid do it

An elderly priest invited a young rabbi over for dinner. During the meal, the young rabbi couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he began to wonder if there might be more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye.
Reading the young rabbi's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."
About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, "Father, ever since your young rabbi friend came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful sterling silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it do you?"
The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Rabbi: I'm not saying that you DID take a sterling silver gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you DIDN'T take it. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here."
Several days later, a letter came from the Rabbi. It read: "Dear Father: I'm not saying that you DO sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you DON'T sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now.

It is the Kol Nidre service in Shul. As the Chazon is singing he notices through the window that a young lady is undressing in the house opposite the schul and she has not closed the curtains. As the service progresses the smile on the Chazon's face gets bigger and bigger. The Rabbi eventually says to the Chazon "On such a solemn night as this,why are you smiling?" The Chazon replies "In my heart it is Yom Kippur but in my trousers it is Simchas Torah!"

Last week a very important meeting took place between God, the Pope, and Moses. They were troubled because the President of the United States was behaving in an inappropriate manner. They decided that the only course of action was to create an 11th Commandment. But the problem remained, exactly how to word this new commandment so that it matched the other commandments in style and holy inspiration. After great meditation and discussion, they finally got it right...
"THOU SHALT NOT COMFORT THY ROD WITH THY STAFF."