Skydiving Jokes
 
A skydiver returned home late one evening. His wife was quite upset and demanded to know why he was so late. He explained what had happened to him on the way home from the drop zone:

"I was driving home and saw a car stopped beside the highway. A woman was out trying to change a tire, so I stopped to help. Her spare tire wasn't in very good shape, and I wanted to make sure she got home OK, so I drove along behind her. Once we got to her place, she invited me in for a drink. One thing led to another, and before I really knew what was happening we
were in her bed having sex. Finally I realized how late it was and I left, jumped in the car and hurried home. I'm sorry I'm so late."

"Don't lie to me, you [CDA-censored expletive]," his wife said. "You stayed and made another jump, didn't you?"

Q: What do you call a skydiver with no arms and no legs??
A: Give up?.....It's Mark!!

Q: And what was the name of his dog??
A: It's Spot!

Q: What's the difference between a skydiver and a golfer?
A: A golfer goes "[WHACK] ... Oh shit!". A skydiver goes "Oh shit! ... [WHACK]"

Q: How can you tell a good 4-way team from a bad 4-way team?
A: A good 4-way team going in sounds like "[WHACK]".
A bad 4-way team goes "[WHACK] ... [WHACK][WHACK] ... [WHACK]"


The only vaguely funny story I know concerns spotting. A new guy shows up at the DZ and asks to jump. His military records are in order (he was in an air- borne division), and he gets on the load. He even volunteers to spot, explaining that he was very good at it, having been "trained by the Army." The jump run approaches, and this guy is looking out the door...and looking... and looking... finally, he looks at another jumper and shrugs, "Where's the smoke?"

Two angels, both former skydivers, were sitting on a cloud over Florida, watching the 222 way build. The DC-3s came umbering by, everyone piled out, and the thing started building. Finally only one slot was empty. Thirty seconds later, the last jumper dives from one of the DC-3's. He goes into a standup, falls straight down into his slot, rolls onto his back, picks up grips, and flips back over.

The angels are amazed by this. "wow!" says the first one. "That guy is amazing! He's incredible! That must have been Guy Manos."

"Nope, that was Jesus Christ," the second one says. "He just thinks he's Guy Manos."
 


Q: Hey, what's the difference between a super-nova and a nova?
A: A super-nova expands, whereas a nova collapses.

A first jump student is in the plane, at 3000', and won't go. His
jumpmaster, anxious to jump, glares at him and yells, "IF YOU DON'T JUMP,  I'M GONNA F***K YOU UP THE ASS !!"

The next day, the student's friends ask him if he jumped. He replies, "Yea .... a little at first".


Guy gets ready to make his first ten-second delay. His jumpmaster sees he's nervous and says, "Don't worry. Just get out there, arch, count to ten, and pull your main ripcord. If there's a problem with the main, you know you have a reserve. When you land, the truck will pick you up and take you back to the loft."

So the guy exits, arches and pulls. Nothing happens. He reefs on his reserve ripcord. Dirty laundry comes out of the reserve container. He's falling faster, close to terminal, and he looks at the ground and says, "Great. I bet the f***ing truck won't be there, either."