Top 15 Reasons Why "Star Wars" is Better Than "Titanic"

15. Yoda could use the Force to lift Titanic out of the water.
14. Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedi material; Rose is just marriage bait.
13. Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage.
12. Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic characters. Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians to Admiral.
11. We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats his fiancee like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he strangles people and blows up planets for fun.
10. Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hutt.
9. There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars.
8. Do you know what the Empire does to self-proclaimed "kings of the world"?
7. "I'd rather be his whore than your wife," just doesn't have the same sting as "I'd just as soon kiss a Wookie."
6. Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament. Leo simply freezes.
5. Han Solo would've steered clear of that stupid iceberg!
4. We knew the boat was gonna sink. But who could've anticipated, "Luke....I am your father."
3. Stormtroopers blast big holes in stupid minor characters; everyone in Titanic was a stupid minor character.
2. When Star Wars was proclaimed coolest movie of all time by half of planet earth, George Lucas did not make a dork of himself at the Oscars.
1. Titanic morals:
a. gamble,
b. cheat on your husband,
c. pose nude for pictures,
d. premarital sex is OK if you're infatuated.
Star Wars morals:
a. fight evil,
b. do good,
c. respect all life even if it's ugly and slithers,
d. rescue princess,
e. save planet.

You might be a redneck Jedi if...

Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.
You have ever used your lightsaber to open a bottle of Jack Daniel's.
You think the best use of your lightsaber is picking your teeth.
At least one wing of your X-Wing is Bondo colored.
There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.
You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok... without using the word "chicken".
You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets.
A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.
You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE force.
Your master ever said "My finger you will pull..hmmm?"
You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.
The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
Wookies are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
You have ever used a lightsaber to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.
Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light.
The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks can't find it.
You have a stuffed womp rat anywhere in your home.
You think the symbol for the Rebel Alliance should be the Confederate flag.
More than half the droids you own don't function.
The number of blasters you own exceeds your I.Q.
You wonder why Luke and Leia gave up on getting married.
You used a carbon-freezing chamber to mount the Wampa you shot while on vacation on Hoth.
Your moonshine is made on a real moon.
You don't like wearing a Jedi robe because it prevents access to the dip stored in your back pocket.
Sandpeople back down from your mama.
You've ever used Jedi mind control to talk your way out of a speeding ticket or DUI.
You've ever strangled someone with the force because they laughed at your accent.
You built an outhouse over the Sarlaac.
You've ever argued with a Jawa over scavenging rights to a broken droid.
A Wookie has ever told you that you need to shave.
You have ever wrecked a landspeeder while trying to light a cigarette with your lightsaber.
You don't think the Ewoks are primitive.
You think an AT-AT looks like a giant cow.
You don't think Jabba's pig guards have a hygiene problem.
The Rancor monster refused to eat you.
You consider your lightsaber the ultimate bug zapper.
You discover that your greatest enemy is, in fact, your father. And your uncle. And your brother...

25 Lines From Star Wars That Are Improved By Substituting the Word "Underpants"

1. A tremor in the underpants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.
2. You are unwise to lower your underpants.
3. We've got to be able to get some reading on those underpants, up or down.
4. She must have hidden the plans in her underpants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally, Commander.
5. These underpants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts.
6. I find your lack of underpants disturbing.
7. These underpants contain the ultimate power in the universe. I suggest we use it.
8. Han will have those underpants down. We've got to give him more time!
9. General Veers, prepare your underpants for a surface assault.
10. I used to bull's-eye womp-rats in my underpants back home.
11. TK-421. . . Why aren't you in your underpants?
12. Lock the door. And hope they don't have underpants.
13. Governor Tarkin. I should've recognized your foul underpants when I was brought on board.
14. You look strong enough to pull the underpants off of a Gundark.
15. Luke, help me take these underpants off.
16. Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your underpants.
17. That blast came from those underpants. That thing's operational!
18. Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of underpants more heavily guarded than this.
19. Maybe you'd like it back in your underpants, your highness.
20. Your underpants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially one. Your sister!
21. Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their underpants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.
22. Yeah, well, short underpants is better than no underpants at all, Chewie.
23. Attention. This is Lando Calrissean. The Empire has taken control of my underpants, I advise everyone to leave before more troops arrive.
24. I cannot teach him. The boy has no underpants.
25. You came in those underpants? You're braver than I thought.

The TRUE ending to "the Empire Strikes Back":

A furious lightsaber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke's hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down.

Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.

Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!

Darth Vader: No... I am your father!

Luke: No, it's not true! It's impossible.

Darth Vader: Search your feelings... you know it to be true...

Luke: NO!

Darth Vader: Yes, it is true.. and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?

Luke: Threepio?

Darth Vader: Yes... Threepio... I built him...when I was 7 years old...

Luke: No...

Darth Vader: Seven years old! And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp...

Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star!

Darth Vader: When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!

Luke: Well, it's not my fault...

Darth Vader: Oh, here we go... "Poor me... my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday... boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith... waahhh wahhh!"

Luke: Shut up...

Darth Vader: You're a slacker! By the time I was you're age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!

Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon!

Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor... 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open... Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer...right here baby!

Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.

Darth Vader: I was wrong... You're not my kid... I don't know whose you are, but you sure ain't mine...

Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.

Darth Vader looks after him.

Darth Vader: Get a haircut!

Episode II
Release Date: 2003
Timeline: 10 years after The Phantom Menace
Major Events: The Clone Wars
The Marriage of Anakin and Padme Amidala
The Fall of the Galactic Republic

Anakin Skywalker, now 19, grows into young manhood under the tutelage of Obi-Wan Kenobi. But Anakin becomes impatient, believing that his master isn't teaching him fast enough. Their relationship becomes strained, and is made worse when both men fall in love with Padme Amidala, Queen of Naboo.

Anakin turns to Supreme Chancellor Palpatine for friendship. Palpatine, who has been following Anakin's career since he was a boy, shows him great fondness and generosity. Unbeknownst to Anakin, or anyone else, the Chancellor has begun to dabble in the Dark Side of The Force.

Episode II also revolves around a war-a conflict much greater in scale and more devastating than the Siege of Naboo. George Lucas has revealed very little about the CLONE WARS, except to say they were the primary cause of the fall of the Republic. Some speculate that an evil power (Darth Sidious?) collects a cross-section of the Galaxy's "scum and villainy," with the intent of using their genetic make-up to clone an army of savage warriors.

Others believe that the Wars are fought against the Mandelorians-Imperial bounty hunter Boba Fett claimed that the Jedi wiped out his clan during this period and Lucas has confirmed that a young Fett will appear in this episode.

In any event, the Clone Wars are so damaging to the Republic that the Galactic Senate votes to give Chancellor Palpatine unlimited military and political powers. Obi-Wan becomes a general, and fights side by side with his friend Prince Bail Organa of Alderaan. Anakin, too, shows great heroism in the Wars. Many of the Galaxy's 10,000 Jedi are killed in battle, leaving their forces depleted. Palpatine ultimately leads the Republic to victory - or does he? Now that he has tasted unbridled power, the Chancellor has no intention of giving up it up.

Flush from his victories in the Clone Wars, Anakin marries Padme, to Obi-Wan's great dismay. In a magnificent ceremony, Anakin becomes a full-fledged Jedi Knight, and Obi-Wan a Jedi Master. Palpatine consolidates his power and delves deeper into the Dark Side of The Force, as the Republic continues to collapse. Weakened by the Wars, the Jedi are in no position to stop him.

Episode III
Release Date: 2005
Timeline: Several years after Episode II
Major Events: The Rise of the Empire
Anakin's Transformation into Darth Vader
The Jedi Purge
The Birth of Luke and Leia

Events take a downward turn in this darkest of the Star Wars tales. Palpatine has proclaimed himself Emperor. His New Order rises to power, with the help of The Dark Side of The Force. Palpatine is supported by the many greedy people who benefit from his rule and don't want to see the return of the Republic. The once beautiful planet of Coruscant becomes the seat of the new Galactic Empire.

Anakin Skywalker falls deeper and deeper under Palpatine's corrosive influence. He becomes alienated from his wife (who hides from him the fact she is pregnant). His feelings for Obi-Wan Kenobi grow into an obsessive hatred. In the pivotal scene of the film the two Jedi duel. Obi-Wan's cuts off Anakin's hand with his lightsaber (just as Vader cuts off Luke's hand in Empire).

Anakin falls into a pit of molten lava (just as Darth Maul fell into a pit of molten metal in Phantom Menace). Obi-Wan quickly pulls him out of the lava, but Anakin is near death, most of his body burned beyond recognition.

Anakin is slowly nursed back to life by the Emperor. His damaged body parts are replaced by implants and biotech devices. In order to breath (his lungs were burned to a crisp), Anakin must wear a special body suit and helmet. He becomes,in effect, a cyborg. With the loss of his human form, he also loses his humanity.

Now that the Sith Lords are extinct, Emperor Palpatine declares himself Dark Lord of the Sith and recruits Anakin as his apprentice. Anakin, completely won over to the Dark Side, renames himself Darth Vader. Together, they set about to eliminate the last vestiges of the Republic-the Jedi Knights. The Jedi Purge, led by Darth Vader, results in the annihilation of all but two of the Galaxy's remaining Jedi Knights, Masters and Padawan learners (many of whom were killed years before in the Clone Wars). Only Obi-Wan and Yoda manage to survive the massacre.

Before going into hiding, Obi-Wan and Yoda travel to Naboo in an attempt to protect Padme. Unbeknownst to Vader, Padme has given birth to twins - a boy and a girl. Recognizing that the royal children will become Vader's greatest threat - and the Republic's only hope-the Queen and the Jedi conspire to hide them.

Obi-Wan brings the girl, Leia, to his best friend, King Bail Organa of Alderaan, who adopts her as his daughter. Leia is accompanied by her parents' favorite droids, R2D2 and C-3PO. The boy, Luke, is taken in by Obi-Wan's brother, Owen Lars, a moisture farmer on Tatooine. Padme remains on Naboo to help her people resist the coming onslaught of the Empire (her ultimate fate is as yet unknown). Yoda escapes to the remote swamp planet of Dagobah, where he disguises himself as a deranged hermit. Obi-Wan returns to Tatooine as the mysterious loner "Old Ben". There he waits, living in a cave in the Dune Sea desert, for destiny to reunite him with Luke Skywalker.

Links

The new iMaul
Troops.net
Star Wars.com