Buffy's and Spike's Words of Wisdom

Spike: Go get something to eat.

Buffy: Who are you?
Spike: You'll find out on Saturday.
Buffy: What happens on Saturday?
Spike: I kill you.

Spike: I find one of your friends first, I'm gonna' suck him dry...and use their bones to bash your head in. Are you getting a word picture here?

Spike: Fe, fi, fo, fum. I smell the blood of a nice ripe girl.
Buffy: Do we really need weapons for this?
Spike: I just like them. They make me feel all manly.

Spike: As a personal favor, from me to you, I'll make it quick. It won't hurt a bit.
Buffy: No, Spike. It's gonna hurt a lot.

From Halloween

Spike: This is just. . .neat!

Buffy: Hi honey! I'm home.

From Lie to Me

Buffy: Do we have to be in total share mode?

Buffy: This is great--well, I mean, it's hard--sudden move, all your friends, delicate time--but let's talk about me.

Spike: Do I have anyone on watch here? It's called security, people. Are you all asleep? Or did we finally find a restaurant that delivers?

Spike: Yeah, I know who I am too, so what?

Buffy: I am trying to save you. You are playing in some serious traffic here, do you understand that?

Spike: Let's remember to share, people.

From What's My Line Part 1

Spike: Some people find pain...very inspirational.

Buffy: Note to self: religion, freaky.

From What's My Line Part 2

Spike: I'm thinking maybe dinner and a movie. I don't want to rush into anything. I've been hurt, you know.

Buffy: You can attack me. You can send assassins after me. That's fine. But nobody messes with my boyfriend.

Spike: Another five minutes, though, and Angel will be dead, so I forbear. Don't feel too bad for Angel, though. He's got something you don't have.
Buffy: What's that?
Spike: Five minutes.

Spike: Who the hell is this?
Buffy: It's your lucky day, Spike!

Spike: I'd rather be fighting you, anyway.
Buffy: Mutual.

From Surprise

Spike: You're not clear on the concept pal. There is no 'instead.' Just 'first' and 'second.'

Buffy: That stuff with the Latin and the herbs -- he's just real superstitious.

Spike: Are you insane? We're supposed to kill the bitch, not leave gag gifts in her friends' beds.

From Becoming Part 1

Buffy: I mean, when in the real world am I ever gonna need chemistry or history or math or the English language?

Spike: Let me guess. Someone pulls out the sword...the demon wakes up, and wackiness ensues

Buffy: So that would be the literal kind of 'sucked into Hell'. Neat.

Buffy: Ah, I'll wing it. Of course, if we go to Hell by then, I won't have to take 'em. Or maybe I'll be taking 'em forever.

Buffy: Remind me to get you a stuffed animal.

Buffy: This is a beautiful moment we're having. Can we please fight?

From Becoming part 2

Spike: Hello, cutie.

Spike: Hey! White flag here. I quit.
Buffy: Let me clear this up for you. We're mortal enemies. We don't get time-outs.

Buffy: What do you want?
Spike: I told you. I want to stop Angel. I want to save the world.
Buffy: Okay, you do remember that you're a vampire, right?
Spike: We like to talk big... vampires do. "I'm going to destroy the world." That's just tough-guy talk. Strutting around with your friends over a pint of blood. The truth is, I like this world. You've got...dog racing, Manchester United. And you've got people. Billions of people walking around like Happy Meals with legs. It's all right here. But then someone comes along with a vision. With a real... passion for destruction. Angel could pull it off. Good-bye, Piccadilly. Farewell, Leicester-bloody-Square.

Buffy: The whole earth may be sucked into hell, and you want my help 'cause your girlfriend's a big ho? Well, let me take this opportunity to not care.

Buffy: I hate you.
Spike: And I'm all you've got.

Spike: What, your Mom doesn't know?

Joyce: Know what?
Buffy: That I'm, uh...in a band. A rock band...with Spike here.
Spike: Right. She plays the-the triangle--
Buffy: --Drums.
Spike: Drums, yeah. She's hell on the old skins, you know.
Joyce: What do you do?
Spike: --Well, I sing.

Buffy: Yeah, probably watching me or watching you.
Spike: He won't get a chance to tattle on us now.

Joyce: Have we met?
Spike: You hit me with an ax one time. Remember? Uh, 'Get the hell away from my daughter!'
Joyce: Oh. So, do you, uh, live here in town?

Buffy: I can't believe I invited you into my house.

Spike: I don't want to hurt you, baby. Doesn't mean I won't.

From Faith, Hope, and Trick

Buffy: Well, sure. Beats that dead feeling you get when they win and you lose.

Buffy: She's not playing with a full deck. She has almost no deck. She has a three.

From Lover's Walk

Buffy: Okay, be kind, rewind.

Spike: Yeah, you. You think I'm afraid of you?

Spike: A curse! Something nasty. Boils. I want to give him boils all over his face. You know, dripping pustules. Let's really go for the gusto here.

Spike: She wouldn't even kill me. She just left. She didn't even care enough to cut off my head, or set me on fire. I mean, is that too much to ask? You know?

Buffy: What is all this stuff? I'm thinking weird science.

Spike: No, this is different. Our love was eternal. Literally. You got any of those little marshmallows?

Spike: Not while I breathe. Well, actually, I don't breathe.

Spike: What's your hurry?
Buffy: My hurry is my intense desire to get you out of my life. You tend to cause trouble.
Spike: I'll be out of your life in a few short hours. No trouble at all.
Lenny: Hello, Spike.
Buffy: No trouble at all.

Spike: This should be a kick.
Buffy: I violently dislike you.

Buffy: I can't fool myself. Or Spike, for some reason.

From Graduation Day Part 1

Buffy: Been there, killed that... she's not much for follow-up.

Anya: You've never seen a demon.
Buffy: Excuse me - killing them professionally, four years running.

From Graduation Day Part 2

Buffy: That's the basic plan. So. Am I crazy?

Buffy: The council is not welcome here. I have not time for orders. If I need someone to scream like a woman, I'll give you a call.

Buffy: If someone could just wake me when it's time to go to college, that'd be great.

From The Harsh Light of Day

Buffy: I sort of drowned a couple of years ago. But I came back. Obviously.

Buffy: Harmony's a vampire? She must be dying without a reflection.

Buffy: Guy dating Harmony dead. Must be, like, the most tolerant guy in the world.

Spike: I love syphilis more than you.

Spike: This gem is everything. I came back to Sunnydale for it, a place which has witnessed some truly spectacular kickings of my ass.

Spike: Love hurts, baby.

Spike: What a fabulous day. Birds singin', squirrels making lots of rotten little squirrels, sun beamin' down in a nice non-fatal way. It's very exciting. Can't wait to see if I freckle.

Buffy: So, what I'm wondering is, does this always happen? Sleep with a guy and he goes all evil?

From Wild at Heart

Buffy: You were thinking, what, a little helpless co-ed before bed? You know very well, you eat this late... you're gonna get heartburn. Get it? Heartburn? That's it? That's all I get? One lame-ass vamp with no appreciation for my painstakingly thought-out puns? I don't think the forces of darkness are even trying. I mean, you could make a little effort here, you know? Give me something to work with.
Spike: Watch your mouth, little girl. You should know better than to tempt the fates that way. 'Cause the big bad is back, and this time, it's--

From The Initiative

Buffy: I am going to a party tonight. Hopefully, a "no fighting, no biting" kind of deal.

Buffy: Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go find something slutty to wear tonight.

Spike: I always worried what would happen when that bitch got some funding.

Spike: I'll take her apart. I don't care how brilliant she is.
Buffy: Stupid pen. My notes!
Willow: Ballpoints can be tricky.

Spike: Hello, gorgeous.

Buffy: What? You think that boys can take care of themselves and girls need help?

Spike: I'll give you a choice. Now, I'm going to kill you - no choice in that. But... I can let you stay dead... or bring you back, to be like me.

Spike: I hate being obvious. All fangy and 'grr!' Takes the mystery out.

From Pangs

Buffy: And the thing is, I like my evil like I like my men - evil. You know, straight up, black hat, tied to the train tracks, 'soon my electro-ray will destroy Metropolis' bad.

Spike: What part of 'help me' do you not understand?

Buffy: So you haven't murdered anybody lately? Let's be best pals!

Spike: Bloody hell, woman. You're cuttin' off my circulation.
Buffy: You don't have any circulation.
Spike: Well, it pinches.

Spike: You won. All right? You came in, and you killed them and you took their land. That's what conquering nations do. It's what Caesar did, and he's not going around saying, 'I came, I conquered, I felt really bad about it.'

Spike: It's kill or be killed here, take your bloody pick.

Buffy: And they say romance is dead. Or maybe they just wished it.

From Something Blue

Buffy: It's just... different, you know? A picnic! First of all, daylight. That's kind of a new venue, Buffywise.

Buffy: I have to get away from that 'bad boy' thing. There's no good there.

Spike: I'm trying to remember. It was very traumatic.
Buffy: How long are you gonna pull this crap?
Spike: How long am I gonna live once I tell you?

Buffy: Maybe we made it a little too comfy in here for you.
Spike: Comfy? I'm chained in a bathtub, drinking pigs blood from a novelty mug. Doesn't rate huge in the Zagat's guide.

Buffy: Oh, look at my poor neck... all bare and tender and exposed. All that blood, just pumping away.
Spike: Giles, make her stop!

Buffy: One more word out of you, and I swear...
Spike: Swear what? You're not gonna do anything to me. You don't have the stones.
Buffy: Oh, I got the stones. I got a whole bunch of... stones.
Spike: Yeah? You're all talk.
Buffy: Giles! I accidentally killed Spike! That's okay, right?

Buffy: It's just so sudden. I don't know what to say.
Spike: Just say yes, and make me the happiest man on earth.
Buffy: Oh, Spike! Of course it's yes! Giles! You'll never believe what's happened!

Buffy: There's so much to decide. Ceremony, guests, reception...
Spike: Well, first thing, I'd say we're not having a church wedding.
Buffy: How about a daytime ceremony, in the park?
Spike: Fabulous. Enjoy your honeymoon with the big pile of dust.
Buffy: Under the trees. Indirect sunlight only.
Spike: A warm spring breeze tosses the leaves aside, and again, you're registering as Mr. & Mrs. Big-Pile-of-Dust.
Buffy: Stop it! This is our wedding, and you're treating it like a big joke.
Spike: Oh, pouty. Look at that lip. Gonna get it. Gonna... get it.
Buffy: Oh, stop.

Buffy: I know, it's crazy. I mean, we fought for all those years, and then... Sometimes you just look at someone, and... you know. You know?
Riley: No.
Buffy: I think maybe we fought because we couldn't admit how we really felt about each other.

Buffy: Spike? Oh, no, he's totally old. Well, not as old as my last boyfriend was.

Buffy: Honey, we need to talk about the invitations. Now, do you want to be 'William the Bloody' or just 'Spike?' 'Cause either way, it's gonna look majorly weird.
Spike: Whereas the name 'Buffy' gives it that touch of classic elegance.

Spike: This is the crack team that foils my every plan? I am deeply shamed.

Spike: What are you looking at?
Buffy: The man I love.

Buffy: Besides, it's kind of my job.
Spike: For now.
Buffy: What, you want me to stop working?
Spike: Well, let's see - do I want you to give up killing my friends? Yeah, I've given it some thought.

Spike: If they get in, I don't know if I can protect you.
Buffy: You think you have to protect me?
Spike: Oh, not with the girl-power bit!

From Doomed

Buffy: I wonder where I've seen this before? Where else? The place I spend most of my waking hours memorizing stuff off the sides of mausoleums. Big, freaky cereal boxes of death.

Buffy: Pain. Death. Apocalypse. None of it fun.

Spike: Oh, but you can. You know I'd drain you drier than the Sahara if I had half a chance. And besides, I'm beyond pathetic.

Buffy: Yes, but you're an amateur... fry cook, and I come from a long line of fry cooks that don't live past 25.

Spike: Buffy fights the forces of evil. You're her groupies.

Willow: If we leave him alone, he'll stake himself.
Buffy: And that's bad because...?

Spike: Let's fight that evil. Let's kill something.

From A New Man

Buffy: But this is so nice having everyone together for my birthday. Of course, you could smash in all my toes with a hammer and it would still be the bestest Buffy birthday bash in a big long while.

Spike: And you're what, shocked and disappointed? I'm evil.

Spike: I've known corpses with a fresher smell. In fact, I've been one.

Spike: I don't know why she didn't come. Say good-bye, shed a few tears.

Buffy: It's no big, really. Hey, who wants ice cream?

Spike: Well, what do I spy with my little eye? A demon. That would be - oh, right - the things I can kill.

Giles: It's perfectly serviceable.
Spike: Funny hearing a Fyarl demon say 'serviceable.' Had a couple of them working for me once. They're more like, 'Like to crush. Crush now?'

Giles: Do I have special powers? Like setting things on fire with my sizzling eyebeams?
Spike: Well, you got the mucous thing.
Giles: What? Mucous?
Spike: Paralyzing mucous. It shoots out through the nose. Sets up fast. Hard as a rock. Pretty good in a fight.
Giles: Are you making this up?
Spike: Maybe. But hey, if you feel a sneeze coming on, you warn me.

Spike: Two of them, English, like me. But older, less attractive.

From The I in Team

Spike: I'll admit, it's a bit of a fixer-upper. Needs a woman's touch.

Spike: And I don't want you crawling back here knocking on my door, pleading for help the second teen witch's magic goes all wonky, or little Xander cuts a new tooth.

Buffy: My god. You said it was big. You told me, but you never said it was huge.

Buffy: But not that I thought it was some fly-by-night operation. Unless it is. I mean, can you guys fly? At night? With those jet-pack things? Do you have those?

Buffy: So I've seen. . . On the Discovery Channel. With gorillas and sharks. They made them all nice. You haven't seen it?

Buffy: Your robot bird sounds hungry.

Xander: Sure. Just explain to the nice scientist guys that you really miss killing and torturing innocent people.
Spike: You think that would work?

From Good-bye Iowa

Spike: Got to hand it to you, Goldilocks. You do have bleeding tragic taste in men.
Buffy: What does my taste in men have to do with this?

Buffy: No. No. Maggie made sure that he was nowhere around when she sent me on this very special make-Buffy-dead assignment.

Buffy: But he's not bad anymore.
Spike: Hey! What am I, a bleeding broken record? I'm bad. It's just... I can't bite anymore. Thanks to you wankers.

Spike: By the by, if you're trying to kill her... (grins, two thumbs up)

Buffy: And the Spike thing isn't as tweaked as it looked. Okay, maybe it is. But there's an explanation that almost makes sense.

From This Year's Girl

Buffy: He's studying biology - human, demon, whatever he can get his hands on and tear apart.

Spike: Me? Hey I'm not the one out of place here. Spike: What do you need?
Xander: Her. Dark hair, yea tall, name of Faith, criminally insane.
Giles: Have you seen her?
Spike: Is this bird after you?
Xander: In a bad way, yeah.
Spike: Tell you what I'll do, then. I'll head out, find this girl, tell her exactly where all of you are, and then watch... as she kills you. (rolls eyes) Can any one of your damned little Scooby club at least try to remember that I hate you all? Just because I can't do the damage myself doesn't stop me from aiming a lose cannon your way. And here I thought the evening would be dull.

Buffy: And did I mention the psycho-killer part?

From Who Are You

Faith as Buffy: Cops took her off my hands about an hour ago. Poetic justice.
Anya: How's that?
Faith as Buffy: Well, she did all those crimes, and now she's being arrested. I guess that's just regular justice.

Faith as Buffy: Don't worry I'll patrol tonight as long as it takes. You guys have your fun, I'll be out there doing my job.

Spike: Oh, you.
Faith as Buffy : And... you.
Spike: What, are you keeping tabs on me? You're gonna give me a hard time now?
Faith as Buffy: Do I usually give you a hard time?
Spike: Very funny. Well, you don't have to worry about me drinking, unless you're here to protect innocent beers.
Faith as Buffy: You're a vampire.
Spike: Was. And as soon as I get this chip out of my head, I'll be a vampire again. But until then, I'm just as helpless as a kitten up a tree, so why don't you sod off?
Faith as Buffy :Okay.
Spike: Oh, fine! Throw it in my face! 'Spike's not a threat any more. I'll turn my back. He can't hurt me.'
Faith as Buffy: Spike... Spike! William the Bloody with a chip in his head. I kinda love this town.
Spike: You know why I really hate you, Summers?
Faith as Buffy: 'Cause I'm a stuck-up tight-ass with no sense of fun?
Spike: Well, yeah, that covers a lot of it.
Faith as Buffy: 'Cause I could do anything I want, and instead I choose to pout and whine and feel the burden of Slayerness? I mean, I could be rich; I could be famous; I could have anything. Anyone. Even you, Spike.(gets close)
I could ride you at a gallop until your legs buckled and your eyes rolled up. I've got muscles you've never even dreamed of. I could squeeze you until you popped like warm champagne, and you'd beg me to hurt you just a little bit more. And you know why I don't? Because it's wrong.
Spike: You and me are gonna have a confrontation.
Faith as Buffy: Count on it.

Buffy as Faith: How about this? I'll be quiet and you can scream.

Buffy as Faith: Oh cause of Ethan Rayne. And-and you have a girlfriend named Olivia, and you haven't had a job since we blew up the school, which is valid, lifestyle-wise. I mean, it's not like you're a slacker-type, but... Oh, oh! When I had psychic power, I heard my mom think that you were like a stevedore during sex. Do you want me to continue?
Giles: Actually, I beg you to stop.
Buffy as Faith: What's a stevedore?

Faith as Buffy: I'm Buffy, I have to do this.

Jonathan: What are you doing here?
Spike: I live here.

Spike: Yeah, back off Betty!
Buffy: It's Buffy, you big bleached . . . stupid guy.

Buffy: Hey, that's not your body! You get out of that body with your hands up!

Spike: Someday, sweet Slayer, I would love to take you on, see you face the evil alone for once.

Spike: No, but then again, I'm probably lying.

Spike: Hey, what are you doing? You're not supposed to do that!

Buffy: I remember this. This is good.

Buffy: Watch out for southpaws?

Xander: Who's with me?
Spike: I am. I know I'm not the first choice for heroics, and Buffy's tried to kill me more than once. And I don't fancy a single one of you at all. But... Actually, all that sounds pretty convincing. I wonder if Asian House is open...

Buffy: It's no fun when they're that easy.

Buffy: Oh my God, I can't believe it! OK, I'm all with the woo-hoo here and you're not.

Spike: From the sound of those massive mud flaps, I'd peg you as a demon. Which means you're in for a world of... pain?

Spike: The thing about the Slayer is- she is a whiney little thing- but when it comes to the fighting, she does have a slight tendency to win.

Spike: The door was unlocked. You might want to watch that, Rupert. Someone dangerous could get in.
Buffy: Or, someone formerly dangerous and currently annoying.

Buffy: I've mentioned how much I'm going to kill you if this is a scam, right?
Spike: Look, would I wear this if I wasn't on the up-and-up?

Buffy: Talk later. Stealthy escape now.

Spike: Little Miss Tiny's got the habit of bollixing up the plans of every would-be unstoppable bad-ass who sets foot in this town. Just want you to know, when the big ugly goes down, Slayer's going to be right in the thick of it. You ready for that?

Spike: You're exactly like Tony Robbins.

Spike: Plus, it'll make her miserable. And I never get tired of that.

Spike: You know, for someone who's got 'Watcher' on his résumé, you might want to cast an eye to the front door every now and again.

Buffy: You joined the circus?

Spike: Hey, it was just a laugh. There's no need to go insane over it.

Buffy: Beating you senseless should do just fine.

Buffy: Okay, stop it! Okay, that's enough. I see one more display of testosterone poisoning, and I'll personally put you both in the hospital! Anybody think I'm exaggerating?

Buffy: Xander? Oh, he's the deadest man in Deadonia.

Buffy: He's... not bad.
Riley: Seriously? That's a good day?

Spike: Slightly stiffer than usual. Subtle, but I like it.

Spike: Hang on. I think I might have detected a small flaw.

Spike: Look at little Nancy Drew.

Buffy: What was I thinking?

Buffy: I think trouble was stir-up-able.

Buffy: You know we love you, right?

Buffy/Willow/Giles/Xander: You can never hope to grasp the source of our power. But yours is right here.

Spike: Well, then everything's all right. And we all get to be not staked through the heart. Good work, team!

Buffy: All groin, no brain. Three billion of ya' passin' around the same worn out urge. Men... with your sales.

Buffy: Big faker.

Spike: Giles here is gonna teach me to be a Watcher. Says I got the stuff.

Spike: Haven't you figured it all out yet, with your enormous squishy frontal lobes?
Giles: I still think Buffy should have killed you.

Buffy: World domination? Is that a good?

Buffy: I walk. I talk. I shop. I sneeze. I'm gonna be a fireman when the floods roll back. There's trees in the desert since you moved out, and I don't sleep on a bed of bones.

Buffy: Also, in terms of hair care, you really want to say, what kind of impression am I making in the workplace?

Buffy: Got team Me!

Willow: I think we’ve just put our finger on why we’re the sidekicks.

Buffy: Dark equals dinnerbell.

Buffy: That was no hunt. That was just another day on the job. Care to step up for some overtime?

Buffy: Get out.

Buffy: And you’re sure this isn’t some fanboy thing cause I’ve fought more than a couple pimply overweight vamps that called themselves Lestat.

Buffy: My count encounter wiped me out.

Buffy: A little sugar and I’m all yours.

Spike: Pouncey bugger owes me 11 pounds for one thing.

Spike: Tough talk, cowboy, but you're not gonna catch him napping in a crypt. No, the count has to have his luxury estate, and his bug eaters, and his special dirt, doesn’t he?

Spike: You’re out of your depth on this one boy.

Spike: You’re never gonna find him. Not before he gets to her.

Joyce: It’s hard to date, sometimes you feel like giving up on men altogether.

Buffy: Why, because I’m under your thrall? Well, guess again, pal.

Buffy: We’re just going to the magic shop, no school supplies there.

Buffy: Color me committed.

Buffy: Are you breaking up with your car?

Buffy: Thank you, logic boy. Did I mention this was a rant? Sense has no place in it.

Spike: Happy to oblige, and here I thought it was going to be a slow night. Step on up kitties, thrashings for all.

Spike: Blokes’s gotta have a hobby, don’t he?

Spike: Singing my song, now are you? You should pay me royalties for that one or at least get you own tune.

Spike: Best of luck, let me know how this ‘arch-villian’ thing works out for you.

Buffy: Especially the biggie: Numero one-o, do not invite bloodsucking dead people into our home. I mean, please, I would never have Harmony over, even when she was alive.

Spike: And speaking of dishes, to what do I owe this unpleasant suprise- Ow- Bloody hell!!
Buffy: I don’t have time for banter, Spike.
Spike: At least lay off the nose.

Spike: I was telling you the truth.
Buffy: I know.

Buffy: Can’t say she didn’t warn him.

Buffy: When you try to be bad, you suck.

Buffy: Well, aside from the fact that most magic shop owners in Sunnydale have the life expectancy of a Spinal Tap drummer-
Buffy: How bored were you last year?
Giles: I watched Passions with Spike. Let us never speak of it.

Buffy: Hey! I was enjoying studying.

Buffy: Guess I could take a little break from the violence- Ohh! Fighting!

Buffy: Sophisticated? I talk men's fashion with him while I cut his head off?

Spike: Oh, very nice. I was on your side!

Spike: Oh, Slayer. One of these days.

Buffy: He was kind of... forceful and confident.

Buffy: I just know how unfun it can be. Bad hours, frequent bruising, cranky monsters-

Buffy: And you can't kill each other. I mean you can, but it would be bad.

Buffy: Why do I even bother to show up? Spike, what are you doing here?
Spike: Same as you and your cub scout here, I wager. (punching) A spot of violence before bedtime.

Spike: Oh, I saw that.

Buffy: Nah, unless you want to go back and kill Spike for the fun of it?

Buffy: I’m starting to think this working hard is hard work.

Spike: Is that right? I must have missed the memo.

Buffy: He’s not worried, so I don’t think we should be-
Buffy: -I don’t get what he’s thinking. Why isn’t he worried?

Buffy: If you tell me to hurry, I’ll kick your ass.

Buffy: The guy is really starting to bug me in that special ‘I-want-to-shove-something-wooden-through-his-heart’ kind of way.

Buffy: Plus, hanging out all day in that moldy crypt, you just know he’s doing something nasty.
Spike: Okay, is it bigger than a bread box?

Buffy: I’ve got a proposition for you.
Spike: Funny, I’ve got a proposition for you, what about knocking?

Spike: Oh dear, is the enormous hall monitor sick? Tell me, is he gonna die?

Spike: That’s not gonna happen, mate. See, I have faith in your survival instinct.

Spike: Do me right, nothing bad’ll happen to you.

Buffy: Don’t Psych 101 me.

Buffy: If that’s what I wanted, then I would be dating Spike.

Buffy: There is one peroxide pest whose number’s up.

Spike: Should have known it’s you, been nearly six hours.
Buffy: Would’ve been less if I hadn’t been busy cleaning up your mess.
Spike: My mess? I just borrowed the doc. The mess was yours, slayer, yours and the boy’s.
Buffy: I’m done. Spike, you’re a killer, and I should have done this years ago.
Spike: You know what? Do it. Bloody just do it.
Buffy: What!?
Spike: End my torment. Seeing you everyday, everywhere I go, everytime I turn around. Take me out of a world that has you in it. (shirt off) Kill me.
(Need I mention the smoochies? Okay, there is a whole bunch here.)
Buffy: Spike, I want you.
Spike: Buffy, I love you. God, I love you so much-
Spike: (awake) Oh, God, no. Please, no.

Buffy: Yeah, you’ll be making money hand over fist. Which I guess is a good thing.

Buffy: I put this before the group. What the Hell is it?

Buffy: And, why can’t I ever be little ‘Pumpkin Belly?’
Willow: Well, I don’t feel qualified to address the last part.

Buffy: Then I hunt them, find them, and kill them.

Spike: Hi, Buffy.

Buffy: Five words or less.
Spike: Out. For. A. Walk. (pause) Bitch.
Buffy: Out for a walk at night by my house. No one has time for this, William.
Spike: On your merry way then. You know, contrary to one’s self-involved worldview, your house happens to be directly between – parts – and other parts of this town. And I would pass by in the day but I’m feel I’m outgrowing my whole burst into flame phase.

Spike: Satisfied. You know, I really hope so ‘cause God knows you need some satisfaction in life besides shagging Captain Cardboard – and – and I never really liked you anyway – and – and you have stupid hair.

Buffy: Best of all, I’m not stupid.

Buffy: Can I be President?
Dawn: I’m President. You can be the janitor.

Buffy: Your definition of narrow is impressively wide.

Buffy: Uh! I have a present-buying headache.

Buffy: I don't like you hanging around with someone that - - short.

Spike: Except me. I don't care what happens.

Buffy: She's a hair-puller.

Spike: You're a real piece of work. I like you.

Buffy: At least no major organs got kabobbed.

Buffy: You are, a very - short, annoying man.

Buffy: Not until you are – never.

Spike: Ow. Wait, not ow. Are you feeling all right, slayer? This stuff usually hurts.

Spike: As I thought. Some nasty thing got a taste of you.
Buffy: Don’t get all excited. I’m fine.
Spike: Oh right, stuck in a dark corner with a creature you loathe, digging up past uglies. ‘cause you’re ‘fine.’
Buffy: Were you born this big of a pain in the ass?
Spike: What can I tell you, baby? I’ve always been bad.

Spike: I mean, if you’re looking for fun: There’s death, there’s glory, and sod all else, right? (shrugs) I was young.

Spike: Lesson the first: a slayer must always reach for her weapon.

Spike: Become a vampire, you’ve got nothing to fear. Except for one girl. That’s you, honey.

Spike: How many of my kind reckon you’ve done?
Buffy: Not enough.
Spike: Mm-hhm. And we just keep coming. But you can kill a hundred, a thousand, a thousand thousand, and the armies of hell besides, And all we need is for one of us, just one, sooner or later to have the thing we’re all hoping for.
Buffy: And that would be what?
Spike: One good day.

Buffy: So that’s it? Lesson over?
Spike: Not even close.

Spike: Lesson the second: Ask the right questions.

Spike: The question isn’t how’d I win. The question is, why’d they lose?
Buffy: What’s the difference?
Spike: There’s a big difference, luv.

Spike: She was cunning, resourceful, oh, and, did I mention, hot? I could have danced all night with that one.
Buffy: You think we’re dancing?
Spike: That’s all we’ve ever done.

Spike: Funny thing about the dance is, you never get to stop. Every day you wake up to the same bloody question that haunts you: Is today the day I die? Death is on your heels, baby, and sooner or later, it’s gonna catch you. Part of you wants it, not only to stop the fear and uncertainty, but because you’re just a little bit in love with it.

Spike: Death is your art. You make it with your hands day after day. That final gasp, that look of peace. Part of you is desperate to know: what’s it like? Where does it lead you? And, now you see, that’s the secret. Not the punch you didn’t throw, or the kicks you didn’t land. She merely wanted it. Every slayer has a death wish, even you.

Spike: But you’re just putting off the inevitable. Sooner or later, you’re gonna want it. And the second - the second that happens, you know I’ll be there. I’ll slip in and have myself a real good day. Here endth the lesson.

Buffy: Get out of my sight, Spike. Now.
Spike: Oh, did I scare ya? You’re the Slayer, do something about it. Hit me. Come on. One good swing. You know you want to.
Buffy: I mean it.
Spike: So do I. Give it me good, Buffy. Do it.
Buffy: Spike. . . what the Hell are you doing?
Spike: Come on, I can feel it, Slayer. You know you want to dance.
Buffy: Say it’s true. Say I do want to. . . It wouldn’t be you, Spike. It would never be you. You’re beneath me.

Harmony: You couldn’t kill her before you got the chip. You had plenty of chances.
Dru: Why can’t you kill her?

Spike: So this is my fault now?

Buffy: What do you want now?
Spike: What’s wrong?
Buffy: I don’t want to talk about it.
Spike: Is there something I can do?

Spike: Ahh, that the stuff, Slayer musk. It's bitter and aggrivating.

Spike: Twice in recent memory, she's had the lover-wiccas do a de-invite on the house, keep out specific vamps. Ever ask yourself why she's never taken my name off the guest-list?

Spike: At least I still got the attitude. What you got?

Buffy: Well, you keep working on it, I'll go kill it.

Buffy: You're the one who insisted on teaching her to talk.

Buffy: I don't believe in tiny Jewish Santa anymore.

Buffy: Hey, Santa doesn't lie.

Xander: Oh, yeah, fun was had. Also frolic, merriment, and near-death hi-jinks.

Willow: We can't call Buffy. I want to call Buffy!

Buffy: What the hell are you doing in my house?
Spike: Right, then . . . caught me. (coming up with an excuse) Your basement's full of junk, and me being in need of . . . junk . . .
Buffy: You were stealing?
Spike: Well, yeah. Can't exactly work the counter at Burger Barn, can I?
Buffy: Wait-- are those pictures of me?

Spike: You just missed a real nice time.

Buffy: Just covering for the weepy chicken within.

Buffy: Every time you show up like this, you risk all of your parts, you know that?
Spike: I wouldn't be here if I didn't have a good reason. As usual, I'm here to help you, and I - are you naked under there?
Buffy: Get out.
Spike: No, I'm serious. I mean, not about the naked part, I mean...
Buffy: Get out or I will drop you out head-first.

Spike: We only came here because we care about you, friend. You need help.

Buffy: Vampires are vampires. And my job description is pretty clear.

Spike: But that's not your problem. Even if I wasn't in the picture, you're never gonna be able to hold onto her.

Spike: Come on. You're not the long haul guy, and you know it.

Spike: The girl needs some monster in her man ... and that's not in your nature...no matter how low you try to go.

Spike: Ain't love grand?

Spike: Sometimes I envy you so much it chokes me. And sometimes I think I got the better deal. To be that close to her and not have her. To be all alone even when you're holding her. Feeling her, feeling her beneath you. Surrounding you. The scent ... No, you got the better deal.

Buffy: So this is my fault? Hey, gee, Buffy's so mysterious, I think I'll go out and almost die.

Buffy: Oh, I'm sorry. You know, um, I'm sorry that I couldn't take care of you when I thought that my mother was dying.

Buffy: So, um, a-about being a nun... you know, um, with the whole ... abjuring the company of men ... you know, how's that working for you? The... abjuring.

Buffy: How's the food?

Buffy: Don't talk about the books again. You get all ... and sometimes there's drool.

Buffy: Stop being insightful. It's creepy.

Spike: Anyway, I know you're feeling all betrayed - by him, not me. I was trying to help, you know. Not like I made him be there, after all. Actually trying to help you. Best intentions.

Spike: Oh, I'll insult him if I want to! I'm the one who's on your side! Me! Doing you a favor! And you, being dead petty about it - me, getting nothing but your hatred and your venom and - you ungrateful bitch!

Buffy:New semester, new classes. Whole new vistas of knowledge to be confused and intimidated by.

Spike: They have chicken wings too. Also a sort of a flower-shaped thing they make from an onion. It's brilliant.

Spike: Lovely thought. If I don't hurt you myself, the chip wouldn't zap me. I could eat you that way. Beat the onion thing all to hell.

Spike: I know that look. Lot of people never really got Dru, you know.
Xander: Well, she was insane.

Spike: Yeah, I could do that, but I'm paralyzed with not caring very much.

Buffy: What are you doing?
Spike: Making this woman more comfortable. I'm not sampling, I'll have you know. Just look at all these lovely blood-covered people. I could, but not a taste for Spike, not a lick. Know you wouldn't like it.
Buffy: You want credit for not feeding on bleeding disaster victims?
Spike: Well, yeah.
Buffy: You're disgusting.
Spike: What's it take?

Buffy: Some of us are here to learn, professor! Maybe you’d like to teach your own class!
Vamp: Who are you talking to?

Buffy: I was regrouping.
Spike: You were about to be regrouped into separate piles. You needed help.

Buffy: You know what? I don't need a boyfriend, to rescue me or for any other reason.
Spike: Don't need or can't keep? You keep making notches in the headboard but eventually they get up out of the bed and run off, don't they?
Buffy: You're disgusting.
Spike: Oh, rough talk. Maybe that's your problem, maybe you push 'em away. Or is it the other? Maybe you cling too much.

Buffy: The more I get to know you, the more I wish I didn't.
Spike: Or maybe you just don't hold their interest.

Buffy: Big power outage in Buffy county?

Spike: Heard of me, have you?
Female Watcher: I . . . wrote my thesis on you.
Spike: Well, well. Isn't that neat?

Spike: Oh, it's the Slayer. For a second there I was worried. (sees Dawn and Joyce) So, what's with the family outing?

Spike: Well, that's a boatload of manly responsibility to come flying out of nowhere. What's the matter, Slayer? You're not feeling a hundred percent?
Buffy: No.
Spike: They didn't put a chip in your head, did they?
Buffy: No!
Spike: Be funny if they did.
Buffy: Spike, I need an answer. Now. In or out? . . . You're the only one strong enough to protect them.

Buffy: I don't think I need to remind you, but-
Spike: Yeah, yeah, “anything happens to ‘em I'll stake you good and proper.” Sing me a new one some time, eh? That bit’s gone stale.

Buffy: Uh ... guys? A-any way we could ... not do this?

Buffy: I'm fairly certain I said no interruptions.

Buffy: Glory is evil. And powerful. . . . And in no way prettier than me.

Spike: Shouldn't you be tucked away in your beddy-bye? All warm and safe where nothing can eat you?

Dawn: You wanna come steal some stuff?
Spike: Yeah, all right.

Buffy: There's probably a ... code name for it. You know, like radio silence, it's "greeting card silence."

Spike: Oh, yeah, here it comes. Something goes wrong in your life, blame Spike. News flash, blondie. If kid sis wants to grab a midnight stroll, she'll find a way sooner or later. I just thought she'd be safer with big bad looking over her shoulder.

Buffy: The Slayer is the only thing standing between Dawn ... and this god from the bitch dimension that wants to shove her in some kind of lock and give her a good twirl.

Buffy: You are my sister. There's no way you could annoy me so much if you weren't.

Buffy: I think you sorta have a get-out-of-jail-free card on account of big love and trauma.

Buffy: Actually, you were sleeping the sleep of the knocked unconscious.
Spike: Still, points for intent.

Spike: Bad, evil things! That are not for a child's eyes.

Spike: Well, I had hubby by the throat, didn't I? Promised her he'd live if she gave me the invite.
Dawn: And did you? Let him live?
Spike: What do you think?

Buffy: Spike, I need your help, Dawn is- Here.

Buffy: Hanging out with Spike is not cool, Dawn, okay? It is, it is dangerous,

Buffy: I, I can't listen to this! Spike is a monster, okay? A-and plus, you are only fourteen years old.

Spike: Come on, what are you waiting for, grab your coat and your pointy sticks.

Spike: And if that means turning my back on the whole evil thing-
Buffy: You don't know what you mean! You don't know what feelings are!

Joyce: Honey, did you ... somehow, unintentionally, lead him on in any way? Uh, send him signals?
Buffy: Well, I ... I do beat him up a lot.

Buffy: Thanks, but ... I think this is something I have to do myself. Besides, you know, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this, this whole thing's just been blown way out of proportion and ... he's already gone back to wanting me dead.

Spike: See anything interesting?
Buffy: Spike. I, uh ... what ... what happened?

Spike: This is your fault. You're the one to blame for all this.

Spike: And you wouldn't be able to touch me, because this - with you - is wrong. I know it. I'm not a complete idiot.

Spike: (quietly) Bloody well through playing.

Buffy: Well, aren't I responsible? I mean, something about me had to make him feel that, right? Something that made him say, "woof, that's the one for me!"

Buffy: Maybe I could change. You know, I could, I could work harder. I could spend less time slaying, I could laugh at his jokes, I mean, men like that, right, the, the joke-laughing-at?

Buffy: You're both crazy. It's not mom-ish at all. It's sexy. It screams, "Randy sex kitten, buy me one drink and I'll..." Oh, wait, that's not really good either.

Spike: Small world. Oh dear. If looks could stake-

Buffy: Ow. I don't know about you guys, but I've had it with super-strong little women who aren't me.

Giles: Um, well, we listened to aggressively cheerful music sung by people chosen for their ability to dance ... then we ate cookie dough and talked about boys.

Buffy: Romance and magnetic trains.

Buffy: As long as you two stay away from the band candy, I'm cool with anything.

Buffy: I live to torment you, is that so wrong?

Buffy: (desperate) We're not supposed to move the body!

Buffy: Mom didn't like them. She said that potlucks are depressing enough as it is.

Buffy: I'm all phoned out.

Spike: This isn't about Buffy.

Spike: I liked the lady. Understand, monkey boy? She was decent. She didn't put on airs. She always had a nice cuppa for me. And she never treated me like a freak.

Buffy: Time's not the issue. I can stick wood in vampires.

Buffy: How's forever? Does forever work for you?

Spike: I'm not gonna tell, little bit. I'm gonna help.

Spike: Buffy never hears about this, okay? Found out what I was doing, she'd drive a redwood through my chest.

Spike: Well, what do you know? Bitty Buffy.

Spike: Did you get it? Don't be sorry then.

Buffy: Training. Slaying. All of it. It's just ... I mean ... I can beat up the demons until the cows come home. And then I can beat up the cows ...

Buffy: Giles ... I love you. Love ... love, love, love, love, Giles, it feels strange.

Buffy: Sorry. But it's important that I tell you. Weird love's better than no love.

Buffy: A guide but no food or water. So it leads me to the sacred place, and then a week later it leads you to my bleached bones?

RoboBuffy: I, I wanna hurt you, but I can't resist the sinister attraction of your cold and muscular body.

RoboBuffy: I could never do it. I'm helpless against you, you fiend.

RoboBuffy: You're evil.
Spike: And that excites you?
RoboBuffy: It excites me, it terrifies me ... I try so hard to resist you and I can't.
Spike: Yeah?
RoboBuffy: Darn your sinister attraction.
Spike: Are you afraid of me?
RoboBuffy: Yes.
Spike: You know I can't bite you.
RoboBuffy: I think you can. I think you can if I let you, and I want to let you. I want you to bite me and devour me until there's no more.

RoboBuffy: Vampires of the world, beware.

RoboBuffy: Isn't it a beautiful night for killing evil things?

RoboBuffy: I had sex with Spike.

RoboBuffy: It wasn't one time. It was lots of times. And lots of different ways. I could make sketches.

RoboBuffy: I fight with weapons.

Spike: I'm impure. I'm as impure as the driven yellow snow.

Buffy: Didn't seem like it to me. Death is my gift.

Xander: No one is judging you. It's understandable. Spike is strong and mysterious and sort of compact but well-muscled.
Buffy: I am not having sex with Spike! But I'm starting to think that you might be.

RoboBuffy: Say, look at you. You look just like me! We're very pretty.

Buffy: No, she’s a robot. She acts just like that girlfriend-bot that Warren guy made. You guys couldn't tell me apart from a robot?
RoboBuffy: Oh, I don't think I'm a robot.

RoboBuffy: Thank you. But I really think we should be listening to the other Buffy, Guyles. She's very smart, and she's gonna help us save Spike.

Buffy: Listen, skirt girl, we are not going to save him. We're going to kill him. He knows who the key is, and there's no way he's not telling Glory.
RoboBuffy: You're right. He's evil. But you should see him naked. I mean, really.

Spike: Yeah ... but it was fun. And guess what, bitch. I'm not telling you jack. You're never gonna get your sodding key, 'cause you might be strong, but in our world, you're an idiot.

Spike: Yeah, okay, sorry, but I just had no idea that gods were such prancing lightweights. Mark my words, the Slayer ... is going to kick your skanky, lopsided ass back to whatever place would take a cheap, whorish, fashion victim ex-god like you.

RoboBuffy: Why did you let that Glory hurt you?
Spike: She wanted to know who the key was.
RoboBuffy: Oh, well, I can tell her, and then you'll-
Spike: NO! You can't ever. Glory never finds out.
RoboBuffy: Why?
Spike: 'Cause Buffy ... the other, not so pleasant Buffy ... anything happened to Dawn, it'd destroy her. I couldn't live, her bein' in that much pain. Let Glory kill me first. Nearly bloody did.

Buffy: What you did, for me, and Dawn ... that was real. I won't forget it.

Buffy: I try. It's just ... my foot's not used to being put down. I want you to do it. You can be the foot-putting-downer.

Buffy: Early to bed, early to rise, balanced breakfast, hospital corners. It's a new beginning. Discipline. Authority. Order.

Buffy: I can't do it, Will. Don't worry. It's not like I don't have a life. I do. I have Dawn's life.

Spike: Hey, chin up, platelet.

Spike: I'm a vampire. I know somethin' about evil. You're not evil.
Dawn: Maybe ... I'm not evil. But I don't think I can be good.
Spike: Well, I'm not good, and I'm okay.

Spike: You - so you're saying that a ... powerful and mightily pissed-off witch ... was plannin' on going and spillin' herself a few pints of god blood until you, what, "explained"?
Buffy: You think she'd ... no. I told Willow it would be like suicide.
Spike: I'd do it. Right person. Person I loved. I'd do it.

Buffy: Safe? We've barely been able to manage not getting seriously dead every time we've crossed paths with Glory.

Buffy: She's a god and she's coming for us. So let's just not be here when she starts knocking.

Buffy: We stay, we die. Show of hands for that option.

Buffy: If Glory finds us, he's the only one besides me that has any chance of protecting Dawn.

Spike: Buckle up, kids. Daddy's puttin' the hammer down.

Spike: No biggie. Look, the skin's already stopped smoking.

Buffy: Quaintly referred to in some cultures as the big scaredy runaway.

Spike: Now might be a good time for something heroic.

Spike: Ow! Easy with the delicates.

Spike: So. What's the story with these role-playing rejects?

Dawn: Destroyer of the universe. I guess cutting school doesn't seem so bad now, huh?

Spike: Better part of a century spent in delinquency just paid off.

Spike: Come on, people. Girl's endowed with Slayer strength. It's hardly the time to get dainty. Buffy!

Spike: Is everyone here very stoned?

Willow: Hey ... I know you. You're, you're the first original Slayer who tried killing us all in our dreams . . . How've you been?

Buffy: What? I keep telling you, Will. I-I figured it out. Death is my gift.

Spike: You're lying. And what's more ... I believe you're standing right in front of the very thing we need.

Willow: I think Spike was right back at the gas station. Snap out of it!

Buffy: Have you ever heard the expression, 'biting off more than you can chew'? Okay. Um ... how about the expression, 'vampire slayer'?

Spike: Blood is life, lackbrain. Why do you think we eat it?

Buffy: Come on. Say it. We're bloody well talking about this. Tell me to kill my sister.

Buffy: You try and hurt her, and you know I'll stop you.

Spike: The gods themselves do tremble.
Buffy: Spike, shut your mouth, come with me.

Spike: Uh, Buffy... If you wanna just hand them over the threshold, I'll...
Buffy: Come in, Spike.
Spike: Hmm. Presto. No barrier.

Buffy: We're not all gonna make it. You know that.
Spike: Yeah. Hey. Always knew I'd go down fightin'.
Buffy: I'm counting on you ... to protect her.
Spike: Till the end of the world. Even if that happens to be tonight.

Spike: Get your stuff, I'll be here.

Buffy: Everybody knows their jobs. Remember, the ritual starts, we all die. And I'll kill anyone who comes near Dawn.
Spike: Well, not exactly the St. Crispin's Day speech, was it?

Buffy: I heard it's supposed to repel you. So my guess is ... you probably shouldn't touch it, either.

Buffy: You're not the brightest god in the heavens, are you?

Spike: Doesn't a fella stay dead when you kill him?

Spike: You don't come near the girl, Doc.
Doc: I don't smell a soul anywhere on you. Why do you even care? Spike: I made a promise to a lady.
Doc: Oh? (They fight) Then I'll send the lady your regrets.
Spike: No. . .

Buffy: I love you. I will always love you. But this is the work that I have to do. Tell Giles ... tell Giles I figured it out. And, and I'm okay. And give my love to my friends. You have to take care of them now. You have to take care of each other. You have to be strong. Dawn, the hardest thing in this world ... is to live in it. Be brave. Live. For me.