Gone Camping
By: Deadeye aka Cory B
Normally, I would put something about……….something here. Today though I am putting in something about myself, lately those five have been DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!!!!! So to get away I have decided to go on a camping trip…alone. Peace and quiet at last! Woohoo!
(Deadeye sits at his table playing his gameboy, after getting 123 lines at tetris he loses, turns off the gameboys and looks at his watch.)
Deadeye: Dinner time! J
(He uses his telekenisis to light the grill, put some salmon stakes on it, and cover them with teriyaki sauce.)
Deadeye(thinking): Anyone there?!
(Deadeye looks around, there’s no one out of their tents so he turns off the grill and focuses a small heated ki ray at the steaks and they are perfectly cooked in 10 seconds. After getting out the plates and stuff he goes and sits down by the fire to eat.)
Narrator: Incase you didn’t know the people up in those parts are still on the witchhunt thing.
Deadeye: Hey! Who the hell are you!? I never had a narrator!
Narrator: Since you are not at the keyboard now I am here to narrate for you in your absence.
Deadeye: But I never really was a narrator to begin with!
Narrator: So what NOW I AM IN CONTRO…
(Deadeye shoots a ki blast at the Narrator which comes out of the monitor and hits whoever it is in the face.)
Narrator(different voice): OW!!! I’M GONNA KILL YOU!!!
Deadeye: Dragonett?! What the hell are you doing?!
(Majin walks into the computer room.)
Majin: Hey wait you’re not supposed to be in here!!
Dragonett: Umm…
(Dragonett types something and disappears, Majin runs out trying to find her.)
Deadeye: Well at least I’ve been saved from a fate worse than d…(BAM!)
(An EXTREMEMELY large anvil lands on Deadeye and levels his campsite.)
Deadeye: Ow…(fires a ki blast from below and destroys the anvil, his campsite is a wreck.)
Later…
Deadeye: Well that’s over…now to get those marshmallows.
(Deadeye goes over and looks around in one of his boxes, a van drives up. Deadeye turns around and sees it.)
Deadeye: Hey! This is my campsite! Get your own!
(Duo gets out)
Deadeye:AHHHHH!!!!!
(Deadeye disappears then reappears in a tree, while Wufei, Trowa, Quatre, and Heero get out.)
Deadeye: What the hell are you all doing here?! Don’t you realize I came all the way up here in order to get AWAY from you? Especially him! (points at Duo)
Trowa: We all have our excuses, I finally got my week of vacation from the manager and every other vacation I could think of was either booked solid or out of season.
Quatre: They are repainting the interior of my mansion and I’m allergic to the fumes.
Duo: They’re getting rid of my roach problem at the supposedly ‘first class’ worker house the boss gave me.
(Wufei and Heero son’t say anything, Wufie looks particularly pissed)
Deadeye: And what about you two? (Floats down from the tree)
Wufei: THEY ARE REDECORATING THE APARTMENT COMPLEX AND I HAVE TO STAY WITH DUO TILL THEY’RE DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Duo smirks, Wufei trips him.)
Duo: Hey! What was that for?!
Wufei: Just a VERY sized down demonstration if you do something not to my liking. (makes a slashing motion across his neck, Duo gulps.)
Deadeye: And what about you? (points at Heero)
Heero: They threw me out cus I couldn’t pay the rent, all the people I went to for jobs said I was weird
Deadeye(sarcastically): I wonder where they got that?
Heero: It was either come with them or stay with Relena.
Deadeye: Now THAT’s an excuse.
(Later that night. Everyone is sitting around the campfire)
Duo: Anybody wanna sing somethin’?
(Heero pulls out a gun and points it at Duo without a seconds though.)
Duo: guess not.
Deadeye: Duo, go get the marshmellows.
Duo: What?! Why me?
Deadeye: Just do it.
Duo: But…
(Deadeye shoots a small ki blast into the fire making it spark largely)
Duo: right.
(Duo gets up and walks over to the van instead of getting the marshmellows already there.)
Duo: Here, got them just for the occasion.
(Deadeye holds out his hand towards his tent and a bag of his own flies out and into his hand.)
Deadeye: I’ll roast my own thank you very much.
Duo: Hey wait! If you could do that why didn’t you get them yourself?!
Deadeye: Because I wanted you to do it.
Duo: But…nevermind…
(Duo sits down while Deadeye retrieves his marshmellow stick and roasts some (three at a time) meanwhile Duo is still trying to open the bag.)
Duo: urgh! C’mon open! Open dammit!
Trowa: Lemme try.
Duo: No, I can do it. OPEN!!!
Wufei: Duo.
Duo: Yeah?
Wufei: You see that dotted line that says ‘Tear here’?
Duo(anime sweatdrop): Oh…yeah…heh heh…
(Duo finally opens the bag and they all start roasting their marshmellows)
Deadeye: I’ll go get some water to boil for tomorrow morning.
(Deadeye grabs a bucket and walks down to the creek, while he kneels down to fill it up an explosion comes from the campsite)
Trowa Wufei Quatre Heero: DUO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Duo: HAHAHAHAA!!! You shoulda seen your faces!…what?! Hey it was a joke! Lighten up! Stay away I’m warning you! Step back! AHHH!!!!
(Deadeye runs back to camp to see them all chasing Duo around, they finally tackle him and Heero starts loading his gun, Duo starts struggling.)
Duo: It was a joke lay off! Ow!
Wufei: THAT ‘JOKE’ NEARLY KILLED ME!
(Wufei points to his charred face, Deadeye walks over and picks up the bag of marshmellows, he rips off a sticker that has the usual brand name on it and below it says ‘Explosive Marshmellows (only at Noin’s Novelty Shop!) Duo finally manages to kick Trowa in the shin and push Wufei off him and run into the woods, they all start to run after him but Deadeye stops them.)
Wufei: What are you doing?!
Deadeye: If he thinks we are chasing him he might run so far into the woods he’ll get lost, or at least he’ll be outta here for a while.
Wufei: Well it’s not killing him, but I guess it’ll do.
(Wufei sits back down at the fire after throwing Duo’s ‘special’ Marshmellows into the creek.)
(Later that night, Deadeye is asleep in his tent when he hears a snapping of twigs coming from the woods.)
Deadeye: huh…what’s that….(sits up and rubs his eyes)
(More snapping of twigs, sounding like they came in the direction Duo ran.)
Deadeye: Very funny Duo…(lies back down)
(The snapping twigs continue and become more annoying, keeping Deadeye awake, getting more annoying, and more, and More, and MORE, AND…)
Deadeye: DUO!!! I’M GONNA GET YOU!!!
(Deadeye unzips the tent flap and goes flying into the woods.)
(Morning, Wufei just woke up remembering Deadeye’s little outburst during the night and walks out of his tent. Deadeye is sitting at the bench eating breakfast.)
Wufei: So what happened?
Deadeye: Duo (chew) got a (chew) little too (swallow) daring.
Wufei: So what did you do to him?
Duo: Hey Wufei! Little help!?
(Wufei looks dumbstruck and looks around, Duo isn’t anywhere, Deadeye points up and Wufei looks up to see Duo tied to the tree twenty feet above the ground and falls down laughing.)
Duo: Hey! It’s not funny! Get away from me you woodpe… owowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowow! Knock it off!
(Wufei starts rolling around with laughter.)
(Later that morning, after breakfast.)
Wufei: I think we better unpack our stuff now, we got here too late last night.
Quatre: Yeah we better do that.
(They all walk over to the van and bring out their bags, but Quatre seems to be dragging something outta the van.)
Deadeye: Quatre honestly your bag can’t be THAT bi…
(Quatre finally gets it outta the van which is releived from the 45 degree tilt in the back, the bag is HUGE!)
Wufei: Geezus Quatre, how much stuff did u bring?!
Quatre: Just the bare necessities!
(Everyone falls down anime style, the tree Duo is in falls down and he unties himself.)
Duo: thanx Quatre!
Deadeye: Dammit Quatre!!!
Quatre: sorry….
(Quatre starts walking along the campsite looking for something. Duo sits at the bench.)
Duo: So what do we do now?
Deadeye: I know what I’m gonna do.
(Goes in the tent and gets his laptop and starts playing Quake II.)
Duo: ok, so he’s out, anyone up for a game of poker?
Wufei: I can beat you at anything!
Duo: Care to put your money where your mouth is?!
Wufei: You’re on!
Quatre: Hey no gambling!
(Duo and Wufei both give him a REALLLLLLY nasty look.)
Quatre:forget it….
Duo: Okay I deal.
Wufei: No way, I’m dealing!
Duo: I’ll arm wrestle you for it.
Wufei(rolls eyes): The day you beat me in a arm wrestling match is the day pigs fly!
Duo: Well we’ll see about that!
(They both put their elbow on the tables and assume the starting position)
Duo: aaaaaaaaaaaaand….go!
(Wufei quickly gets Duo’s hand nearly to the table when…)
Duo: Hey is that someone spraypainting ‘Wufei sux’ On Nataku?!
Wufei: WHERE?!?!?!?
(Duo quickly pounds Wufei’s hand on the table.)
Duo: Ha! I win!
Wufei: Wait! You cheated!
Duo: You never said I couldn’t! (anime style rasberry)
Wufei: what ever just deal the cards!
Duo: Annie up!
(They both put a dollar bill on the table. Duo shuffles and gives five to each of them.)
Wufei: I’ll take 2 (discards two cards and takes two from the deck)
Duo: I’ll take 1 (discards one and takes one from the deck)
Duo: I’ll raise you two (puts $2 on the table.)
Wufei: I’ll see your two and raise you 3 (puts $5 on the table)
Duo: Well I’ll see your five and raise you 4! (puts $9 on the table)
Wufei: And I’ll see your nine and raise you 6!! (Puts $15 on the table)
Duo: Well I’ll see your fifteen and raise you 10!!! (puts $35 on the table)
Wufei: WELL I’LL SEE YOUR 35 AND RAISE YOU 15!!!! (puts $55 on the table)
Duo: AND I’LL SEE YOUR 55 AND RAISE YOU 20!!! (puts $75 on the table)
Wufei: AND I’LL CALL IT!!!
Duo: ROYAL FLUSH!!!
Wufei: DAMMIT!!!!
(Wufei sees the corner of a playing card sticking out of Duo’s right sleeve.)
Wufei: Wait a minute!!!
(Wufei jumps over the table and pins Duo down and rolls back his sleeve, a deck full of high value cards is strapped to his arm with a rubber band.)
Wufei: YOU SONOVA BI…
Duo: OH NO THEY’RE DISMANTLING NATAKU!!!!
Wufei(turns his head): WHERE?!?!?!
(Duo pushes Wufei off of him and makes a run for it. Deadeye stands up from watching Quatre walk around the campsite.)
Deadeye: Dammit Quatre what are you looking for?!
Quatre: The electrical outlet.
(Deadeye falls over anime style)
Deadeye: THERE ARE NO ELECTRICAL OUTLETS IN THE WOODS!!! AND WUFEI USE SOMETHING ELSE BESIDES MY KNIVES I CUT FOOD WITH THOSE!!!
Wufei(has Duo pinned down again with a cutting knife and inch from his head): aw man…
Quatre(sadly): darn it, and I brought all that stuff too…
(Deadeye disappears then reappears beside the bag and looks in.)
Deadeye: HOLY CRAP!!! Look at all this!!!
(Wufei lets Duo up and they both look in the bag.)
Duo: Gamecube?! They don’t even sell that yet!*
Wufei: aw man look at the size of the speakers on that stereo!
(Trowa walks over and looks in.)
Trowa: Alright! Scissors and hair gel!
(Wufei and Duo fall over anime style. Deadeye sticks his head in.)
Deadeye: Wait a second there is someone in here!
(Deadeye dives into the bag and then throws someone out and climbs out. James the butler gets up off the ground.)
Wufei: You brought your butler?!
Quatre: yeah isn’t that what all campers do?
(Duo rolls his eyes and walks over by Quatre.)
Duo: Listen, Quatre, camping is not about just being outside it’s about roughing it out in the wilderness for a few days.
Quatre: y…you mean we have to…….WORK?!
(Quatre faints.)
Wufei: panze.
(Deadeye rolls his eyes.)
Later…
(Quatre wakes up on a cot.)
Quatre: What happened?
Wufei: You were acting like yourself as usual.
Quatre: What was that supposed to mean.
(Wufei rolls his eyes.)
Wufei(sarcastically): Oh yes Quatre you were helping everyone out and working real hard and being sooo mature.
Quatre: I was?! Cool!
(Wufei falls over anime style.)
Wufei: nevermind.
(Deadeye sits by the fire trying to get it going again.)
Deadeye: Dammit, we don’t have enough wood, Quatre, Duo, go out and get some wood!
Duo: But I’m..
(rocks start lifting around Deadeye.)
Duo(anime seatdrop):…going to do that right now.
Quatre: Can’t I have my butler do it?
(Deadeye uses his telekenisis to levitate James up into a tree.)
Deadeye: What butler? I don’t see any butler!
Quatre: You jerk! Get him do…
(Deadeye’s gone from his seat. Quatre looks around and doesn’t see him.)
Quatre: hmm, guess I’m more intimidating than I tho…
(Out of nowhere a fist appears millimeters away from Quatre’s face.)
Deadeye: Go…get…the wood…NOW! BOTH OF YOU!
(They both run into the woods.)
Wufei: Way to go! There goes our problems!
Deadeye: Yeah but nights starting to falls and we don’t have a fire to keep away the…
(Suddenly a large swarm of bugs descends upon them. Deadeye launches an energy wave in all directions killing all of them.)
Deadeye:…mosquitos…you guys alright?
(Wufei is rolling on the grouns scratching furiously. Deadeye falls over laughing.)
Wufei: Just shutup and get me the bug bite lotion!
(Back in the woods, Quatre and Duo are walking along, Duo is carrying a large pile of wood while Quatre is just walking slowly.)
Duo: I say we, ugh, get back at him for, rgh, this.
(Quatre hands him two more pieces of wood and the pile is over Duo’s head.)
Quatre(puts on another one): Yeah but how could we? Deadeye seems to be covering every step we take.
Duo(struggling to walk): Yeah but, argh, we just won’t, rrr, come back toniiiii!!!!!
(Duo falls backwards.)
Quatre: That sounds good, hey what are you doing sitting down we are supposed to be gathering firewood!
Duo: THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULD HOLD SOME QUATRE!!!
Back at camp, night is falling…
(Deadeye looks about at the woods.)
Deadeye: where are those two they’ve been gone for hours!
Wufei: YOU are acutally worried about THEM?
Deadeye: I don’t know what came over me…
(Deadeye sits down and gets his laptop outta his bag on the bench and starts playing Diablo multiplayer using his sorceror character.)
Trowa: So what’s for dinner tonight?
Deadeye: I haven’t a clue, who’s cooking tonight?
(They are all silent for a while.)
Wufei: I guess I will, anyone up for fried shrimp?
That morning…
(Deadeye wakes up and sits upright in his sleeping bag and looks at his alarm clock…an alarm clock?! There’s no electricity there!)
Deadeye: What the hell is going on!? I never brought an alarm clock to begin with!
(Suddenly the alarm clock bursts with sound and fills the whole campsite with loud beeping. Deadeye hits the snooze button but it still won’t go off, he unplugs it…wait a second where’s the outlet?! Scratch that, he turns it off and it still is booming, he smashes it but it still won’t go off, finally he takes it out side and throws it half way across the state.)
Deadeye: Well so much for that, now to kill Duo for that.
(Deadeye hears laughing.)
Deadeye: NIX!?
(Nix stops laughing.)
Nix: umm, gotta go bye!
(Nix Disappears.)
Deadeye: Great who’s gonna show up tomorrow morning…huh? What’s this?
(looks down to find a small bundle of sticks rapped together with Duo’s rubber band for his braid.)
Deadeye(disgustedly): Duo…
(Knowing what is coming [I’ve seen the Blair Witch Project ten times, ok maybe only 7, alright it was 5! OK OK its was 2!] he leans over and unwraps it to find some bloody fingers and toes falling out.)
Deadeye: Well this certainly calls for a tent search.
(Deadeye walks into Duo’s tent and promptly thrashes the the stuff all over the place until he finds a bag with the label "Noins Novelty Shop Fake Body Parts! Scare your friends!" and a small squeeze bottle marked "Fake Blood")
Deadeye: That idiot didn’t even take them with him.
Out in the woods…
Duo: This is great! They’re probably scared outta their wits!
Quatre: Can we go back now my back is sore from sleeping on the ground and I’ve got about 30 mosquito bites and I could’ve contracted rabies!
Duo: Quatre, mosquitos cause malaria not rabies.
Quatre: Well whatever it is I’m gonna sue you for all you’ve got if I get it!
Duo: Well that would be about $10.
Quatre: Oh, forget it…
Duo: Now we go back again tonight and let them sqirm some more! Let’s make some of those little stick figures!
(Duos gets up from the rock he was sitting on and goes about looking for usable twigs.)
Quatre: Hey Duo?
Duo: Yeah?
Quatre: You didn’t leave the bags for the stuff behind did u?
(Duo stops in his tracks.)
Duo(slaps his forehead): Doh!
Quatre: Oh great now we are gonna get it for sure!
Duo: relax we can get them when we go back tonight to string up the stick figures.
Back at camp…
(Deadeye is sitting on the bench eating his breakfast when Trowa comes out and sees the assortment of bloodied body parts in front of Deadeye’s tent.)
Trowa: umm, what the hell?
(Deadeye holds up the bag and bottle.)
Trowa: Oh, Duo’s at it again huh?
That night…(that was quick!)
(Duo and Quatre sneak through the bushes towards the camp while Quatre is wearing the combination night vision heat sensor ultra violet xray goggles he got from camp the night before.)
Quatre: Knew these would come in handy.
Duo: Yeah yeah whatever is it clear?
(Quatre switches to night vision.)
Quatre: clear.
Duo: check Deadeye’s tent!
(Quatre switches to heat sensor mode, Deadeye is not in the tent.)
Quatre(gulp): he…he’s not…he’s not there.
Duo: What? Where is he?
(Quatre starts scanning the trees and sees a dark figure for a second before it disappears. There is a whooshing sound behind them, they turn around the see a pair of bright green eyes glowing in the darkness.)
Duo and Quatre: AAAAHHHHH!!!!!
Morning…
(Wufei gets up to see deadeye eating breakfast.)
Wufei: Why is it you’re always first to rise?
Deadeye: I kinda never got back to sleep last night. (points up)
(Duo is in the tree again blowing at the woodpecker on his shoulder.)
Duo: Get away from me! Owowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowow!!!
(Wufei starts rolling with laughter again.)
Deadeye: Quatre! More oj!
Quatre:yes sir…
(Quatre comes out from behind the tent and pours more orange juice into Deadeye’s glass. Quatre hides behind the tent again.)
Wufei: huh? What’d he do?!
Deadeye: He helped Duo. I have him as my personal slave till I tell him he’s free. He won’t come out cause I gave him the privelage of not having to be at my side every second.
(Quatre gives a sad sniff from behind the tent.)
Wufei: Harsh…
Deadeye: And he can’t say anything but ‘yes sir’ or else he might say something stupid and knock that tree over like he did the day before yesterday.
Duo: PLEEEEEASE! QUATRE SAY SOMETHING STUPID THE WOODPECKER IS CALLING HIS FRIENDS! OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!!!!!
(Wufei falls down with laughter again.)
Later that day…
Deadeye: Quatre get me my laptop!
Quatre:yes sir…
(Quatre comes out from behind the tent and gets Deadeye’s laptop and gives it to him. Quatre hides behind the tent again.)
Heero: So when do you plan on lettig out of this period of servitude?
Deadeye: I guess I’ll let him off at dinner, but maybe I should let Duo down now he looks beaten.
Duo: I SAID GET AWAY WOODPECKERS!!!!!! I’M GONNA COME BACK WITH DEATHSCYTHE AND OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!!!!
Wufei: What?! You can’t be serious don’t let him down!
Deadeye: I have my ways…
(Deadeye floats up and blows all the woodpeckers away with his energy wave and unties Duo.)
Duo: Thanx, they were starting to over powe…hey wait get back up here!
(deadeye floats down again.)
Duo: HEY!! How am I supposed to get down?!
Deadeye: Sounds like a personal problem to me.
(Deadeye lands and opens his laptop again. Wufei gives him a thumbs up.)
Dinner…
Deadeye: Ok Quatre, you’re free.
(Quatre jumps out from behind the tent and dances joyfully around the campsite.)
Duo: OK OK I WON’T BOTHER YOU ALL ANYMORE JUST LET ME DOW, WOOP!
(the branch breaks under Duo and he lands 10 feet down on the ground.)
Wufei: So Duo how’s life been treating ya’?
Duo: shut up wufei…
Night…
(Deadeye has just sat down to eat, he skewers a ham steak with his fork and tries to take a bite out of it but he cant no matter how hard he chews.)
Deadeye: What the hell is going on?!
(deadeye looks over it and it has a small imprent that says ‘rubber meat’ you guessed it, Noin’s Novelty Shop. Deadeye gives Duo a cold stare while Duo points and laughs.)
Deadeye: That’s it!!!
(Deadeye gets out his cell phone and calls Majin.)
Majin: Yeah what is it?
Deadeye: It’s me, could you come over here and kill Duo for me, I wouldn’t wanna be credited with the death of one of the characters I use in my stories.
Majin: Well its your story you decide whether he lives or not! Duh!
Deadeye: Oh yeah! Thanx! Seeya!
Majin: Bye, DRAGONETT WHERE IS THE DAMN GUESTBOOK!
Dragonett(somewhere in ear shot for the phone): I’m looking I’m looking!
(Deadeye hangs up and smirks as he looks over to the book in his bag labeled ‘RFC Guestbook.)
Deadeye: Duo, come into my tent I need to talk with you!
Wufei: BUSTED!
Duo: Shut up wufei!
(Duo walks into his tent.)
Duo: So what is it?
Deadeye: KAME…
Duo: umm, what are you doing?
Deadeye: HAME…
(The tent fills with a blue light.)
Duo: OH CRAP WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!?!
Deadeye: HAAAAAAA!!!
(The tent fills with an explosion of blue light.)
Duo: AHHHHH!!!!!
(BOOM!)
Deadeye: Ok you can go now.
(Duo walks out of the tent charred everywhere, he coughs up a puff of smoke and falls on his face.)
Deadeye: Anyone else wanna piss me off?
(They all resume eating quitely.)
Deadeye: Guess that got their attention.
(Deadeye sits down and gets a real ham steak.)
Morning…
(Wufei gets out of his tent.)
Wufei: So Deadeye what did Duo do las…he’s gone!
(Deadeye isn’t there, his tent isn’t there either. Wufei looks around and finds a note on the table.)
Dear G-Boyz
Left because I didn’t feel like spending another day in this personal hell, particularly of Duo’s making, even if it was a half day and we were leaving. CYA!
P.S. Don’t drink the coffe, and don’t tell Duo not to!
(Wufei smirks and throws the letter in the fire.)
Later…
Duo: Hey why don’t you guys get some coffee like you did every morning?
Wufei: We just don’t feel like it.
Duo:………whatever
(Duo pours some coffee into his cup and takes drink, suddenly he falls down.)
Trowa: What the hell?!
(Quatre goes over and looks in the bottom of the cup, a laminated note is taped to the bottom.)
This will at least keep Duo outta the way while you’re packing
Deadeye
Wufei: YES! ONE DAY WITHOUT DUO!! WOOHOO!!!
(They all start packing, after they are done the drive off.)
Quatre: Hey wait didn’t we forget Duo?
Wufei: Does anyone care.
(silence)
(Back at the campsite, Duo wakes up with a book placed on his chest.)
Duo: huh? What happened? Whats this?
(He looks at the book.)
Duo: RFC Guestbook? What the hell?
Dragonett: SO YOU HAVE THE GUESTBOOK!
Duo: What?! Who the hell are you?!
(Majin, Nix and Dragonett walk outta the woods.)
Majin: GIVE IT BACK! NOW!!
Duo: OK OK! Take it!
(Hands them the guestbook.)
Dragonett: Now start running!
Duo: But I gave it ba…
(They all start powering up, Duo screams and runs into the woods with them in hot pursuit. Deadeye sits on a mountainside over head silently watching, and then promptly falls over laughing.)
THE END, thank god…