"How Heero Stole Christmas"
A Gundam Suess Story
By: Lindsay
(::Lindsay sits in a large over stuffed armchair holding a large book. Putting on fake reading glasses and clearing her throat, she opens it and starts to read::)
Every person
Up in the colonies
Liked Christmas a lot...
But Heero,
Who lived down on the earth,
Did NOT!
Heero hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his funny yellow shoes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.
But,
Whatever the reason,
His heart or shoe fun,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, stroking his gun,
Staring up from his apartment with a sour soldiers frown
At the warm lighted windows up in their space town.
For he knew every person in the colonies above
Was busy now, hanging mistletoe with love.
(::Up on 0-2 Trowa is carefully hanging a sprig of mistletoe in a doorway when suddenly he yelps and jumps back blushing crimson, revealing a smirking Quatre whom had just goosed him::)
"And they're hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his soldier fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep Christmas from coming!"
For, tomorrow, he knew...
...All the little girls and boys
Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush for their toys!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Then the inhabitants, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
And they'd feast! And they'd feast!
And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
They would start on chocolate pudding, and rare Romefeller roast-beast
Which was something Heero couldn't stand in the least!
(::Duo is shown sitting with a large bowl of chocolate pudding in his lap and eating it with his hands. He looks up:: "Wha? What I do?")
And THEN
They'd do something he liked least of all!
Every person up in the colonies, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the people would start singing!
They'd sing! And they'd sing!
AND they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!
And the more Heero thought of the Christmas Song
The more Heero thought, "I must stop this whole thing!
"Why for sixteen years I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop Christmas from coming!
...But HOW?"
Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
HEERO
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" Heero laughed in his throat.
And he stole an OZ hat and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great evil trick!
"With this coat and this hat, I'll look just like Lieutenant Nick!"
(::Meanwhile, Lieutenant Nick lay bound and gagged in his underwear shouting muffled cries of help as Heero shoves him in his closet::)
"All I need is some transport..."
Heero looked around.
But since ships are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the perfect soldier...?
No! Heero simply said,
"If I can't find some transport, I'll take my gundam instead!"
So he climbed on Wing Zero. Then he took some red thread
And he tied a big horn on top of its head.
(::Heero stood back and admired the giant reindeer antler on Wing, his smile suddenly faded:: "Why the hell did I do that?")
THEN
He loaded some bags
And some old empty things
On his great white gundam
And he hitched up old Wing.
Then Heero laughed maniacally
And the suit flew over the sea
Toward space where the people
Lay a-snooze in their colony.
(::Heero watches Saint Nicolas's sleigh fly by on his way back from delivering presents to 0-2, Heero shoots him down with a beam cannon:: "Omae o korosu, Santa."))
All their windows were dark. Artificial snow filled the air.
All the residents were all dreaming sweet dreams without care
When he came to the first house in the square.
"This is stop number one," Heero hissed
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.
Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight squeeze.
But with his lanky body, he did it with ease.
He didn't get stuck once, not even for a moment or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue
Where the little red stockings all hung in a row.
"These stockings," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he took every present!
All the pocky, a scythe, many bottles of lube
That grinchy soldier took every last tube!
And he stuffed them in bags.
Then Heero, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!
Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the whole feast!
He took the chocolate pudding! He took the roast beast!
He cleaned out that icebox as quick as can be.
Why, Heero even took their last can of pickled broccoli!
(::Heero stared at the can of pickled broccoli:: "Christ..i'm doing them a favor..")
Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.
"And NOW!" grinned Heero, "I will stuff up the tree!"
And Heero grabbed the tree, and he started to shove
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and he found out who.
Little Sally-Lou Who, who was no more than.. errtwenty-two.
Heero had been caught by this little personage
Who'd got out of bed to raid the fridge.
She stared at Heero and said, "Lt. Nick, why,
"Why are you taking our Christmas tree? WHY?"
But, you know, that old soldier was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little Major," the fake Lt. Nick lied,
"There's a light on this tree that won't light on one side.
"So I'm taking it back to the base, ma'am, I'll fix it up there.
"Then I'll bring it back quick, right back to here."
And his fib fooled the Major. Then he bowed his head
And he got her a beer and sent her to bed.
And when Sally-Lou Who went to bed with her cup,
He went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up!
Then the last thing he took
Was the parts to their MS.
(Old habits are diehard.)
Then he went up the chimney himself.
On their walls he left nothing but hooks, what BS!
And the one speck of food
That he left in the house
Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.
(::A small gray mouse sniffs around the tiny crumb in the fireplace that Heero had left, it squeaks as a yellow shoe comes down and stomps on it::)
Then
He did the same thing
To the other people's houses
Leaving crumbs
Much too small
For the other peoples mouses!
(::Squished little gray mice littered the floor of all the colony residents' houses::)
It was quarter past dawn...
When he packed up his suit,
Packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings!
The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!
Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mount Trieze,
He rode to the tiptop to set it a blaze!
"Omae O Korosu!" he was Heero-ishly humming.
"They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"The all the people down there will all cry BOO-HOO!"
"That's a noise," grinned Heero,
"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused. And the soldier put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow...
But the sound wasn't sad!
Why, this sound sounded happy!
It couldn't be so!
This story was getting sappy!
He stared down at the colony!
Heero popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every person down on 0-2, the tall and the small,
Were singing! Without any presents at all!
He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming!
IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
(::All the colony residents were gathered in a circle around a large Christmas tree in the square holding hands and swaying back and forth, Including Quatre and Trowa who wereahem..holding more then hands::)
And Heero, with his soldier feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
It came without ribbons! It came without subs!
"It came without lube, in bottles or tubs!"
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then Heero thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.
"Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"
And what happened then...?
Well...on 0-2 they say
That the perfect soldiers small heart
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,
He flew with his load through the bright morning light
And he brought back the toys! And the food for the feast!
And he...
...HE HIMSELF...!
Heero carved the roast beast!
You may think this wasn't 3x4
This little written gem
But you see, all that lube
It was for THEM!
Fin'