DRAGONBALL Z:
MISADVENTURES in MTV
Starring: Piccolo
By: L. Curtis Totty
"Hello, I’m Tom Green, and you’re watching the Tom Green Show! This is the Tom Green Show! It’s not the Green Tom Show! This is my favorite show, because it is my show! It’s the Tom Green Show!
"Hello, everyone! I’m Tom Green, and this is The Tom Green Show! You’re probably wondering where my friends Glenn Humplik and Phil Giroux are. That’s because they are no longer on the show. They are inside me now!"
The crowd let out a roar of laughter. "What’s so funny? I’m telling the truth. They have fused with me." The crowd laughed even harder. Tom began to get rather exasperated.
"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? I AM TRYING TO GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD, AND YOU PEOPLE JUST KEEP LAUGHING AT ME! I’M TELLING YOU THE TRUTH! IT’S THE TRUTH!"
The crowd grew silent. "Anyway," began Tom. "We have some very special guests on the show tonight. We have Busta Rhymes on the show…"
"YAY!"
"As well as Christina Aguilera…"
"YAY!"
"Fred Durst from Limp Bizkit…"
"YAY!"
"And the Backstreet Boys!"
"YAAAAAAAAAY!"
"They’re here to talk about the special compilation album called ‘Cell Game.’ As you all…"
"YAY!"
"Yes, my sentiments exactly," said Tom. "As you all may remember, the world was almost destroyed last week by the evil Cell, but thankfully, we were rescued…"
"SATAN! SATAN! SATAN! SATAN!"
"Yes, yes. Go Mr. Satan, whatever…" said Tom. "Anyway, several of your favorite musical artists recently got together to create an album to commemorate the defeat of the evil Cell. We also have on the show, from TRL, Carson Daly."
"BOOOOOOOOO!"
"Yes, yes. We all hate skinny-boy. Plus, we have some of the participants in the Cell Game. We have Vegeta, and his son from the future, Trunks."
This yielded no response from the audience. "Uh, we also have my martial arts trainer, Piccolo." Still, there was no response. "OH COME ON, YOU GUYS! HE MADE ME MORE POWERFUL!"
"Yay," the audience said at last.
"Okay, you know what? I think I’ll have to show you how great Piccolo-San is! Take a look at this."
TOM’S SURVIVAL TRAINING
"Hi, I’m Tom Green. You may have recently heard about the evil Cell and his little Cell Game. Well, when I heard about this you know what I did? I said to myself, I said: ‘Tom!’ I said: ‘What?’ Then I said: ‘Are you going to just stand by while some evil robot tries to destroy Earth?’ I said: ‘HELL, NO!’ So that’s why I’m going now to the Southern Desert. Here, I can find the Great Piccolo. He took a little boy named Gohan, and molded him into one of the strongest fighters in the world. Well, I figured: ‘Hell, I’m an adult, I can be stronger right?’ So that’s why I’m here!"
"Ah, excuse me!" said Tom, looking up at the man hovering in the sky.
"What?" asked a gruff voice.
"Excuse me!" said Tom.
"What do you want?" he asked.
"I’m looking for Piccolo," said Tom Green.
Piccolo hovered down. "That’s me."
"Hi, I’m Tom Green," said Tom. "HEY, I’M TOM GREEN, AND YOU’RE GREEN! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAH! So anyway, I was wondering if you could give me some special training for the Cell Game."
"You? Fight in the Cell Game?" asked Piccolo.
"Yeah, that’s right," said Tom.
"The Cell Game is in a week! I’ve got training to do myself!" said Piccolo.
"Oh, come on! Just a little bit?" asked Tom.
"All right," said Piccolo. He fired a laser blast at Tom’s van, causing it to explode. "Survive alone out here for one night. I’ll see how you do later."
"So…" said Tom. "Is that camera on? Are you getting all this?" The cameraman nodded. Suddenly, they heard something. A large tiger suddenly came rushing towards them.
"Oh [bleep]!" said Tom as he began to run away. "Uh…We’re being chased now by, uh…a tiger of some sort."
"Yeah, I think the viewers at home would notice," said the cameraman.
"Shut up, you dumb [bleep]er!" said Tom.
"So, we managed to escape the ravenous tiger. Luckily, I used my cell-phone to call my pals Glenn Humplik and Phil Giroux. They should arrive soon."
"Hey guys," said Tom.
"What the hell have you gotten into this time?" asked Glenn.
"Aheheheheheheheheheh…" chuckled Phil. "Ahhh."
"Shut up, Phil. Do you want me to sleep with your girlfriend, Kim, again?" asked Tom.
"Here’s some food, [bleep] hole," said Glenn.
"Thanks," said Tom, as he began to scarf it down.
"WHAT’S GOING ON HERE?"
"Oh, hi Piccolo," said Tom.
"YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE SURVIVING ON YOUR OWN!" yelled Piccolo.
"Oh, sorry, I…"
"SHUT UP!" yelled Piccolo. "GET OUT OF HERE!"
"Is the training going to continue...?"
"GET OUT OF HERE, NOW!"
AND NOW, BACK TO THE STUDIO…
"Ladies and gentlemen," said Tom Green, as the audience applauded. "Vegeta, Trunks, and Piccolo!"
The three Z-Fighters came in and sat down on the couch. "Tom, what the hell is going on here?" asked Piccolo.
"Piccolo-San," began Tom. "I just want to thank you for training me, and making me so much stronger." Tom leaned over to hug his mentor, Piccolo, and began to kiss him in tat weird way of his. This angered Piccolo. He created a small energy explosion around his body, which knocked Tom back into his seat.
"Ladies and gentlemen, Piccolo-San!" said Tom. The crowd just laughed. "What’s so funny?"
"He’s green!" yelled an audience member.
"MAKKENKOUSAPPO!"
The audience member was promptly killed, as well as everyone sitting behind him. "Piccolo-San, you can’t just kill people that are…"
"Shut up, Tom."
"Yes, sir," said Tom.
"WHY HAVEN’T YOU INTRODUCED THE PEOPLE TO VEGETA: PRINCE OF THE SAIYAJIN?" roared Vegeta.
"I was just getting to you, Vegeta," said Tom. "Ladies and gentlemen, Vegeta!" The crowd said nothing. Vegeta went Super Saiyajin.
"Father, no!" cried Trunks.
"Quiet, boy," said Vegeta. "These ingrates will pay!"
"Oh, that reminds me, we’ve got to bring out our next guests! Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Fred Durst, Christina Aguilera, Busta Rhymes, the Backstreet Boys, and Carson Daly!"
The musicians, and Carson Daly, all walked out to the set, and sat down next to the Z-Fighters. Christina was right next to Trunks. "Hi, I’m Trunks, and I’m your greatest fan! Can I have your phone number? Wanna go out sometime? Will you marry me?"
"Uh…is this the Tom Green Show, or FANatic?" asked Christina.
"WHAT? YOU DARE REJECT THE SON OF THE PRINCE OF THE SAIYAJIN?" asked Vegeta.
"But, Carson’s my man! I mean…"
"Aw, great! You’ve ruined our secret," said Carson.
"BIG BANG ATTACK!"
Vegeta completely destroyed Christina Aguilera. "Nice job, Vegeta," said Tom.
"Shut up," said Vegeta.
"Does anyone have any questions for the guests?" asked Tom.
One of the female audience members got up. "Can the Backstreet Boys sing for us?" she asked.
"Sure we can," said Brian of the Backstreet Boys. They all got up and began to sing "Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely."
"I’ve heard enough," said Vegeta. He fired a laser beam that struck through the stomachs of all five Backstreet Boys.
"Oh no," said Trunks. He began to pull out Senzu Beans, about to revive the boy band. "Hey wait a second, this means more girls for me!"
"Any more requests?" asked Tom.
A male audience member got up. "Can Vegeta beat Carson up while Fred and Busta freestyle the play-by-play?"
"Sure thing, kids!" said Fred. "Ready, Busta?"
"YO, YO, YO! WHOO-HAH! IT’S BUS-A-BUS UP IN THE HOUSE! FLIP MODE SQUAD FOR THE Y2K!
Vegeta laid the smack down on TRL’s host!
The Saiyajin Prince has the power to boast!
He used the Final Flash!
You know that Carson cannot last!
Vegeta will send him to the next dimension very fast!
Everybody knows that Carson is the worst!
So I will shut up and pass the microphone to Fred Durst!"
"Fred Durst up in the place, so what y’all wanna do?
Limp Bizkit and Flip Mode Squad will always rule!
I’ve always wanted that stupid Carson Daly to die!
On the countdown, my video didn’t get higher than No. 5!
Vegeta is the prince of all the Saiyajin!
Then we got Trunks, who is his next of kin!
Carson got the Super Saiyajin seeing red!
Now that moron Carson is lying down dead!"
The audience cheered as Fred and Busta Rhymes took their seats. "Those were some pretty nice moves," said Vegeta. "Too bad I didn’t like them." Thus, Vegeta annihilated the two rappers.
"Here, take a look at this," said Tom.
THE HARD TRAINING REGIMEN
"Hello, I’m Tom Green, and I’m standing right outside of the Room of Spirit and Time. Only two people are able to enter at one time, so I’ll be holding the camera, and my cameraman will be fired for his uselessness.
"I’ll be spending an entire year in the Room of Spirit and Time, but time passes much faster in the Room than in real life. So in real time, I’ll only be spending 24 hours here," explained Tom to his audience. "Over here is my trainer, Piccolo, and his previous student, Gohan. Say hello to America, Gohan."
"Hi," said Gohan.
"Say hello to America, Piccolo," said Tom.
"The only reason I’m training you is so that I’ll have a decent sparring partner for training. Once I’m done with you as a sparring partner, you will die," said Piccolo.
"Okay," said Tom, a little scared.
"Piccolo, why are you going through the trouble of training this fruit?" asked Vegeta.
"Let’s put it this way," said Piccolo. "If this moron dies fighting Cell, then the planet will have one brief moment of happiness before we’re all destroyed. Let’s go, weakling."
"Here we are in the Room of Spirit and Time," said Tom. "The training is about to commence!"
"The first thing we’re going to learn is how to manipulate your ki," said Piccolo.
"Now for the viewers at home, what exactly is ki?" asked Tom as he put his microphone up to Piccolo’s face.
"If you don’t get this piece of [bleep] off that microphone and away from my face, I’m going to rip your esophagus out of your mouth and shove it up your [bleep]," said Piccolo.
Tom was silent for a moment. "Fair enough."
"Okay, in order to manipulate your ki, you must focus hard on what exactly it is you want to do, and then make your body follow through. If you concentrate hard enough, and your ki is powerful enough, then you can do it.
"First, I’m going to teach you how to do the Blur Technique, or Zanzoken," said Piccolo.
"Zanzoken," said Tom.
"Yes, it’s a relatively elementary move," said Piccolo. "You use it to confuse your enemies and…"
"Zanzoken," said Tom.
"Yeah, that’s what the move is called," said Piccolo. "Anyway…"
"Zanzoken," said Tom. "I like that word…Zanzoken."
"Yeah, well…"
"Zan to the zo to the ken," said Tom. "Spells Zanzoken."
"Okay, that’s enough pronunciation," said Piccolo.
"What does it do again?" asked Tom.
"It’s the Blur Technique. It makes people think you have instantly moved to another location, when actually you’re just moving really fast," said Piccolo.
Tom was astounded. "That’s it?"
"Yes," said Piccolo.
"Well, with a name like Zanzoken, you’d think it would be more powerful, like maybe it would destroy the whole planet or something," said Tom.
"Well, it doesn’t!" said Piccolo. "Now, I will demonstrate." He quickly disappeared.
"There you are," said Tom, pointing to his right. Piccolo appeared right in front of Tom, tried to punch him, but the Canadian dodged.
"How did you know where I was?" asked Piccolo.
"Oh, come on! Who couldn’t sense you with your big…enormous…flashy…swollen power level," said Tom. Piccolo looked at him quizzically. "Here’s how it’s supposed to be done!" He suddenly disappeared, and Piccolo could feel a painful sting in his back. He was knocked down.
"HOW DID YOU DO THAT?" asked Piccolo.
"Simple," said Tom. "I pushed my ki down so you couldn’t sense it, and moved as quickly as I could. Then, once I was at my destination, I intensified my ki, and focused it into a powerful punch, sending you into the ground. Duh!
"Now, what’s the next technique?" asked Tom.
"Powering up," said Piccolo. "Watch." Piccolo stooped down, and began to focus. Veins became visible all over him, and suddenly a large white flame appeared around his body, as his ki began to rise.
"Oh, that’s how you do it," said Tom. "Can I try now?"
"Sure, go ahead," said Piccolo.
"Okay," said Tom. His eyes took on an intense look, and suddenly, Piccolo was on the ground again.
"HOW DID YOU DO THAT?" cried Piccolo.
"Well, first of all," said Tom. "You try too hard to power up. You’re supposed to just let it flow. Secondly, try not to make that big old flame thingamajig. You’re basically just telegraphing your next move to your enemies. I mean come on, this is elementary stuff!"
Piccolo’s expression was blank. "I’m going to figure out how you became so powerful, and when I do, I will destroy you."
ONCE AGAIN, BACK TO THE STUDIO…
"Yes, thank you," said Tom, as the crowd cheered. "I KICKED PICCOLO-SAN’S ASS!"
"YEAAAAAHHHHHH!"
"Okay," said Tom. "Now, Piccolo and I are going to demonstrate our awesome power. Ready, Piccolo?"
"Whatever," said Piccolo.
"Okay, show me a really strong energy blast!" said Tom.
"Fine!" said Piccolo.
"GEKIRETSUKOUDAN!"
Piccolo’s gigantic energy blast went flying towards Tom Green.
"ZANZO-CANNON!"
Tom Green fired an energy blast of his own, but it was hardly visible. It moved at an incredible speed, and met with Piccolo’s beam. The two were locked in an incredible blast duel, and Tom Green narrowly claimed victory.
"You may have been able to beat me that time," said Piccolo. "But just wait until I take off my WEIGHTED CLOTHING!"
"Not that tired old move again," said Trunks.
"Here, take a look at this," said Tom.
THE STAGE IS SET
"At last, my grand battle arena is complete," said Cell.
"Nice ring," said a voice. Cell slowly turned around.
"The Great Son Gokou, I presume?" asked Cell.
"That’s right, Cell," said the Super Saiyajin.
"Will you be fighting in my Cell Game?" asked Cell.
"You bet," said Gokou.
"I am glad that I was able to meet you on more amiable terms, rather than fighting you cold on the battle arena," said Cell.
"So am I," said Gokou.
"AND SO AM I!"
"What? Who are you?" asked Gokou.
"I am Tom Green, and I am going to play the Cell Game," he said. "HEY, I’M TOM GREEN, AND YOU’RE GREEN! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAH!"
"What? You? Fight me in the Cell Game?" asked Cell. "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAH!"
"You may laugh now, but wait till you see my secret special attacks!" said Tom.
"Like what?" asked Cell.
"Zanzoken," said Tom.
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAH! Well, it just so happens that I can do the Zanzoken as well," said Cell. He quickly moved in front of Tom, into his face. "I do hope you have other attacks. I want all those who are brave enough to challenge me to compete in the Cell Game!"
"Well, that’s good, because not only am I going to play, I’m going to win!" said Tom.
DOOMSDAY
"Hi, Tom Green here, and today’s the day of the Cell Game," said Tom. "I really hope I can win the Cell Game, because then the world would be safe. But first, I’ve got to call my parents and let them know that I’m going to play the Cell Game today, because I might die in the Cell Game, and my parents will want to know about that."
Tom dialed the number for his parents’ house. "Hello, Mom?"
"Oh, hi, Tom," said Mary Jane Green.
"Mom, I’m going to compete in the Cell Game today," said Tom.
"That’s nice, Tom," said Mrs. Green.
"No, Mom. You don’t understand! I could die playing the Cell Game!" said Tom.
"Have fun, Tom," said Mrs. Green.
"No…Mom! I…put Dad on the phone," said Tom. Tom waited about a minute.
"Hello, Tom?" asked Richard Green.
"Hi, Dad," said Tom. "I’m going to play the Cell Game today."
"Yeah, I know. Your Mom told me," said Mr. Green.
"Yeah, but Dad I could get injured today," said Tom.
"Okay, Tom. Break a leg," said Mr. Green.
"I might also die today, Dad," said Tom. "Dad?"
"Okay, whatever," said Mr. Green.
"No, Dad! I’m not pulling a stunt, okay? I could die today!" said Tom.
"Then hurry up and die, Tom! I’ve got to go to work! Just because the world might come to an end is no reason to just play Cell Games and stay home from work! You’ve got to be responsible Tom!"
"I know, Dad!" said Tom. "But I’m being responsible for my entire planet, Dad! I have to play the Cell Game or else the world could come to an end! Okay?"
"Bye, Tom," said Mr. Green.
"Bye, Tom!" said Mrs. Green.
"Bye, Mom and Dad," said Tom, as he hung up.
"My parents don’t think I can do it! They think I’m a stupid [bleep]er! Well, I can do it! I can win the Cell Game!" said Tom, as he flew through the sky. "But I can’t do it alone! I need the help of my friends! I’ve got to get to Glenn’s house!"
"HEY, GLENN! GET OUT HERE!" yelled Tom.
"What? What do you want?" asked Glenn, as he stumbled out of his house. "Why are you wearing the superhero costume from the ‘Bum Bum Song’ video?"
"I’m going to compete in the Cell Game, Glenn," said Tom. "But I need your help. I can’t do it alone. Come out here."
"What do you want?" asked Glenn.
"Turn around," said Tom.
"What?"
"Turn around, Glenn!" said Tom. Glenn complied with Tom’s request. Tom put his hand on Glenn’s shoulder and moved forward.
"What are you doing, [bleep] hole?" asked Glenn.
"C’mon, Glenn! I have to fuse with you! I have to turn into a Super Canada-Seijin!" said Tom.
"What?" asked Glenn.
"I have to get strong enough for the Cell Game! Now come on!" said Tom. Glenn gave in, and suddenly, there was an enormous flash of light. Glenn was gone.
"Well," said Tom. "Glenn has fused with me. I’m a Super Canada-Seijin now, but I still don’t feel powerful enough. I’d better get over to Phil’s apartment."
"HEY, PHIL! LET ME UP!" yelled Tom. "Oh, how silly of me! I’ll just fly into his window!" Tom leapt into the air, and through Phil’s window. There he found Phil and his girlfriend, Kim, sitting on the couch, watching TV.
"Aheheheheheheheheheh…" chuckled Phil. "Ahhh."
"I’m not just Tom Green," said Tom. "I’m also Glenn."
"Aheheheheheheheheheh…" chuckled Phil. "Ahhh."
"I fused with Glenn. I’m a Super Canada-Seijin now. I’m…Tom Gren!"
"Aheheheheheheheheheh…" chuckled Phil. "Ahhh."
"C’mon, Phil, I need more power to fight in the Cell Game!" said Tom. "You’ve got to fuse with me and make me stronger!"
"Aheheheheheheheheheh…" chuckled Phil. "Ahhh."
"No, this isn’t another stunt, Phil. I’m going to play the Cell Game!" said Tom.
"Aheheheheheheheheheh…" chuckled Phil. "Ahhh."
"What? No, this isn’t a trick so I can sleep with your girlfriend, Phil! I really have to fuse with you!"
"Aheheheheheheheheheh…" chuckled Phil. "Ahhh."
"Oh come on, Phil! Glenn let me fuse with him! WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN, PHIL? IF I DON’T BECOME A SUPER CANADA-SEIJIN, THEN THE PLANET HAS NO HOPE OF SURVIVAL!"
"Aheheheheheheheheheh…" chuckled Phil. "Ahhh."
"Thanks, Phil," said Tom. "Now, just turn around and I’ll put my hand on your shoulder."
"Aheheheheheheheheheh…" chuckled Phil. "Ahhh." With an enormous flash of light, Phil fused with Tom Gren, forming Tom Giren. Phil was now part of Tom. Tom looked at Phil’s girlfriend, Kim, with a wry smile on his face.
"YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!" howled Tom. "I CAN DO THIS! I CAN WIN!" Tom flew out of Phil’s apartment and towards Japan where the Cell Game was about to begin.
"What a weirdo," said Phil’s girlfriend, Kim.
"I’M HERE, AND I’M READY TO FIGHT IN THE CELL GAME!" yelled Tom. "So give me a double-decker cheeseburger so I can go there, already."
"$2.50," said the cashier.
"Thanks," said Tom, as he inhaled his burger and continued his journey to the Cell Game.
"Okay, NOW I’m ready to fight in the Cell Game!" said Tom. "Hey, where is everybody?"
"The Cell Game doesn’t start for another four hours," said Cell. "No one’s here yet."
"Okay," said Tom. "Oh, I forgot to talk to my special friend! Now, I have time! AWAY!"
"Anyone who is his special friend has to be a fat, slut of an intern who has no other friends," said Cell.
"Hello, Monica," said Tom.
"Tom, what are you doing here? I thought it was the handbag thing and that was it," said Monica.
"Oh, but Monica, I have some very special fabric that I need for you to make into a handbag!" said Tom.
"Really? Whose handbag is this?" asked Monica. Tom threw a large, heavy cape down on Monica’s sewing table.
"The Piccolo Handbag," said Tom.
"Okay, here you go, Tom," said Monica.
"We made a bag, we made a bag, we made a bag today! We made a bag, we made a bag, we made a bag today!" sang Tom. "Thank you, Monica. Now I have a pretty bag to carry my Senzu Beans in!"
"You’re welcome, Tom," said Monica.
TOM PLAYS THE CELL GAME
"Get ready, Cell," said Mr. Satan. "I think it’s time I brought you down!"
"Whatever," said Cell.
"I’M HERE! I’M HERE!"
"Oh no, not him again," said Cell.
"Tom, just go home," said Piccolo. "There’s nothing you can do here."
"Don’t be discouraged, Tom," said Gohan. "He’s just saying that to make you want to fight even more."
"LIKE HELL I AM!" yelled Piccolo.
"Can we get on with this?" asked Mr. Satan.
"Yeah, sure," said Cell. "Don’t forget, competitors! The rules are the same as the Tenkaichi Budoukai, except that the only opponent is I, and in order to win, your opponent must leave the ring, surrender, or die! Having said the rules, THE CELL GAME BEGINS, NOW!"
"BLAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWW!" yelled Tom.
"What?" asked Cell.
"BLAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWW!" yelled Tom, again.
"What is he doing?" asked Cell.
"CELL’S A STUPID [bleep]ER! CELL’S A STUPID [bleep]ER!" chanted Tom, at Cell.
"What?" asked Cell. "How dare he? Why I ought to…OOF!"
Cell was almost knocked out of the ring by Mr. Satan, of all people! "Why…that…little…" growled Cell, standing on the edge of the ring. Tom took an opportunity…
"My bum is on Cell! Bum is on Cell! Look at me! My bum is on Cell! I hope he doesn’t shoot a ki blast in my bum, and shoot poo all over the place! Poo-poo!
"And that’s not very fun, when they shoot a ki blast in your bum. I like to put my bum on things. It’s fun for everyone!"
"Come on, Cell! Let’s get this fight going! Don’t concentrate on my adoring fans! FIGHT ME!" yelled Mr. Satan as he went running towards Cell. Cell dodged Mr. Satan’s attack and knocked him into the ground.
"CELL’S DAD SUCKS! CELL’S DAD SUCKS! CELL’S DAD SUCKS!" chanted Tom, at Cell.
"My father, Dr. Gero, does indeed suck," agreed Cell.
"What? Okay," said Tom. "CELL’S DAD ROCKS! CELL’S DAD ROCKS! CELL’S DAD ROCKS!"
"I think it’s time I got rid of you!" yelled Cell, as he fired an eye laser at Tom, who easily dodged it with his special Zanzoken.
"Whoah!" cried Kurilin. "Gokou, did you teach him to do the Shunkanidou?"
"No," said Gokou.
"He’s doing the Zanzoken," said Piccolo. "And I must admit that he’s very skilled at it, but that’s not enough to stop Cell!"
"YOU SPEEDY LITTLE GNAT! I’LL DESTROY YOU!" yelled Cell. He focused hard on Tom Giren’s ki, and fired blast after blast of eye lasers at him, but Cell couldn’t even so much as singe his cape. "I’VE HAD IT WITH YOU! I’M GOING TO GIVE YOU THE BEAT-DOWN OF YOUR LIFE!"
Cell dashed towards Tom Giren, and repeatedly bashed his face on a nearby rock. He then tossed the Super Canada-Seijin into the air, and quickly dashed into the sky to bash him down into the ground. Tom soon came to, and used the Zanzoken to move around behind Cell, and hit his body through a giant boulder.
Tom allowed Cell to get back up, and the evil super-warrior powered up for his next attack.
"KAMEHAME HA!"
"ZANZO-CANNON!"
Tom’s energy blast moved so quickly that Cell never even saw it. It slammed right into Cell’s face before he could even throw his version of the Kamehame Ha!
Cell was thrown down into the ground, and took a long time to awaken. "That does it," said Cell. He grabbed Tom, and carried him into the sky. There, he threw Tom down into the ground.
Tom’s body made a large crater in the center of Cell’s ring. Cell threw Mr. Satan out of the ring, and continued to thrash Tom, yelling: "HOW KIND OF YOU TO ENTER THE RING AND VOLUNTEER AS MY NEXT OPPONENT! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAH!"
"STOP!" yelled Piccolo.
"STOP? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, STOP?" asked Cell.
"The Cell Game is over," said Piccolo.
"WHAT? HOW DARE YOU!" yelled Cell.
"Have you forgotten your own rules, Cell?" asked Piccolo.
"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" asked Cell.
"You left the ring to attack Tom! You’ve lost the Cell Game!" said Piccolo.
"WHAT?" cried Cell. "NO!"
"And since I was the legal challenger in the ring, that makes me the winner of the Cell Game," added Mr. Satan, wearily.
"Suddenly, I feel so ill," said Cell. Disgusted with his own stupidity, Cell coughed up Androids No. 17 and 18! Kurilin and Android No. 16 rushed to awaken them.
"AAAAAAHHHHHHRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!" roared Cell, as his ki began to grow out of control. He flew off into outer space. There, he exploded. He refused to pull himself together again. He was far too imperfect to even deserve to continue life.
WISHING EVERYONE BACK
"Well, with Cell defeated, all that remains is to wish back all the people he absorbed," said Tom. "I think it’s going to be good. I’d like to see the Eternal Dragon.
"You know, I’d like to think that I played a major part in the Cell Game. After all, it was my crazy antics that led him out of the ring so that he would lose. I may not have won the Cell Game, but I did save the Universe.
"I got plenty of action in the Cell Game. Now I’ll interview someone who got no action! VEGETA!" said Tom. "And when I said that, I did mean NO ACTION!" He winked at the camera, as he put his microphone up to Vegeta.
"If you don’t get this piece of [bleep] off that microphone and away from my face, I’m going to rip your esophagus out of your mouth and shove it up your [bleep]," said Vegeta.
"Damn straight!" said Piccolo.
"I think I’ll go talk to Son Gokou," said Tom. "So, Gokou, how do you feel?"
"My wife is pregnant," said Gokou.
"That’s wonderful, Son Gokou! Congratu…!"
"YOU RUINED EVERYTHING! I WAS SUPPOSED TO DIE IN THE CELL GAME AND MAKE IT LOOK NOBLE! I HAVE ENOUGH TROUBLE KEEPING UP WITH GOHAN! I CAN’T HANDLE TWO KIDS! IT’S TOO MUCH!"
"Hmm," said Tom. "I understand. Well, kids! What have we learned today? Let’s see…ah, yes! The moral of the story is that Son Goten is an accident, Cell was indeed a stupid [bleep]er, and a double-decker cheeseburger does not bode well with your insides when you’re getting your butt whipped. Good bye now, and see you next time on ‘The Tom Giren Show!’"
FIN
(That’s French-Canada-Seijin for "End.")