ROOMIES
By: Cory B.
Well, after the gundams had been repaired (And about a month of hospitalization for Duo, Quatre managed to pry Wufei off him.) the gundam pilots went their separate ways, but how is a gundam pilot supposed to get money? Well, there are part time jobs, but is that enough today? Sometimes you need the help of a friend, or, umm, someone else…
(Duo walks out of the hospital, waving back at the doctors standing there.)
Duo: Thanks!
(Walks on and looks at the bill, his eyes go wide and he passes out, he wakes up back in the hospital)
Dr.: Are you alright?
Duo: $10,000!!! How do you expect me to pay that?!?!
Dr.: With money.
(They both look blankly at each other for a moment)
Duo: Ya know, you REALLY need to work on your timing!
(The Dr. frowns)
Duo: Anyway, how do you expect me to get this money!?
Dr.: Why don’t you get a job Duo?
Duo(Thinks): Maybe the sweeper group will help me out…
(Duo has a flashback about a sweeper group member denying him professional courtesy discount, and then making him watch ‘The Dinosaur’ when he kept bothering him, Duo shudders and dismisses the idea entirely.)
Duo: How will I get a job?! All I know is mobile suits!
Dr.: Well, you could work at a fast food joint or something.
Duo: Right, that sounds good, so I’ll be in your debt for 50 YEARS!!!
Dr.(stroking his beard): Hmm, now that you bring it up that would take a bit long…
Duo: Why was it so damn expensive in the first place?!
Dr.: Multiple Concussions, Hemeraging, 40 broken bones…
Duo: Okay okay I get the point!
Dr.: Well, maybe the fact that all you know is mobile suits can help you out…
(Duo walks out with his head hanging)
Duo: I guess I’ll have to find some way or another of making money…
(In a fast food joint, Duo is listening to head phones while taking orders. A customer walks up and Duo takes the headphones off)
Duo: Welcome to Lindenburger can I take your order?
(Puts the headphones back on)
Customer: Yes, I’d like a regular sized order of fries, a Coca Cola, and a cheeseburger with nothing on it.
Duo: Well if you don’t want anything why did you come up here?
Customer: I said a cheeseburger with nothing on it!
Duo: You need some limburger cheese tonic?! What the hell is that?!
(The customer reaches across the counter and pull Duo over the table and yells into his ear.)
Customer: I SAID A CHEESEBURGER WITH NOTHING ON IT!!!
(Puts Duo back on the other side of the counter)
Duo: Well why didn’t you say so?!
Duo(into the microphone):That’ll be a regular sized order of pies, a Honda Rola, and a limburger cheese omelet.
(The manager walks up.)
Manager: DUO!!! You’re fired!!!
Duo: I’m hired?! But I was already working here!
(Manager clicks his fingers and a REALLY big muscular guy comes and picks Duo up then throws him out the door. Duo looks back to see the manager stomp his walkman into oblivion.)
(At the Milliardo Homecraft Apartment complex, Duo walks up to his apartment and sees his keys wont work, he sees a little yellow tab of paper on the door.)
Duo: What?! Evicted?!?!?!
(On the street, Duo is walking along, looking miserable, he walks up to a payphone and empties his pocket, he’s got four quarters, he puts one in and dials a number.)
Heero: Yeah, who is it?
Duo: Yeah, hi Heero, it’s Duo (Click, dial tone) Heero…Heero? Well screw you too!!!
(Puts in another quarter and dails again)
Quatre: Hello?
Duo: Hey Quatre, it’s Duo.
Quatre: Oh hi Duo! How have things been going?
Duo: Not too good, first I was fired from my 16th job and then I was evicted from my apartment and I still owe $8,000 to the hospital, and if I don’t pay up soon, they said their collection agents were gonna ‘undo’ the doctor’s work.
Quatre: Sorry, so what did you call for?
Duo: Well I was wondering if you could loan me the money…
Quatre: Ok, but with a 4% interest.
Duo(Thinks): Let’s see, at my current rate of income by the time I have enough to pay off the loan the interest should be…
Duo: Ok never mind about that, can you at least let me stay with you for a while till I can get back on my feet.
Quatre(Nervously): Umm, well, you see, I got this…job…of, umm…well…a job and it’s really gonna keep me busy for a loooong time so I would rather prefer to concentrate, besides the house I live in today I too small.
Duo: But I can hear your voice echoing through the halls!
Quatre: Right, I’m on a cell phone and I’m standing over a mountain range.
Duo: But I didn’t dial the number for your cell phone! And besides, the colonies don’t have mountain ranges!
Quatre: Er…gotta go bye! (Click)
Quatre(Thinks): If he were here for the time before he got back on his feet I would go insane!
Butler: Mr. Winner, here is your lemonade.
Quatre: Thank you James.
(Quatre sips the lemonade and places it on the table, the sound echoes throughout the halls)
Duo: Whatever!
(Duo puts in another quarter and dials again)
Catherine: Hello?
Duo: Hi Cathy!
Catherine: Hi Duo!
Duo: Is Trowa there? Sounds like a performance.
Catherine: Yeah, he just finsihed, here he is.
Trowa(Breathing heavily): Hello?
Duo: Hey Trowa, you sound tired, what act did you do?
Trowa: Well, the sword swallower, lion tamer, juggler, horseback rider, and the clown guy who balances on a ball were out sick, so I had to swallow 10 swords while juggling and balancing on a ball that was on a running horses back and tame a lion all at once!!!
Duo: Geeze! You ok?
Trowa: I think so (Cough!) but I know I’m gonna have to get more life insurance.
Duo: Your not getting paid enough, but at least your getting paid…
Trowa: Huh? What’s wrong? Hard times?
Duo: Don’t remind me…anyway I was wondering if I could stay with you till I get back on track.
Trowa: Well, the only way the ring master would let you in is if you took a job here, let’s see, there’s the lion tamer, the fire eater, the tightrope walker, the stable cleaner (click) umm, hello? Hellooo?
Duo: I don’t think so.
(Puts in the last quarter.)
Duo: Hilde will probably be more than happy to have me over…umm…wait…what’s her number? Aw crap!
(Duo pauses for a minute, considering the last alternative.)
Duo: Oh hell no!
(Duo has a vision of himself sitting in the street soaked to the bone in rain, a a passerby drops a dollar into his cap on the ground, then two big men come by and grab Duo then bring him into an alley and beat him to death, grabbing all the money in his hat and running)
Duo: (Gulp) I’m gonna have to then…
(Dials a number)
Wufei: What is it?
Duo: umm hi…DON’T HANG UP!!!!
Wufei: Good timing, I was about an inch from putting it back on the hook, so what is it?
Duo: Yeah well, I kinda need a place to stay…
Wufei: Well…………………
Duo:…………………………
Wufei: Ok, but only cus Quatre would never let me hear the end of it if I didn’t!
Duo: Yes!
Wufei: but first I wanna lay down some (click) ground rules, number one: Stay away from me, number two: No spit balls, number…(goes on like that for about an hour)…number 87: No whoopie cushions!! Got all that Duo? ………Duo………CRAP!
(Someone taps Wufei on the shoulder, he turns around and tackles the someone then pins him down with his knee on his neck)
Duo: (Cough!) Who ya (Choke!) Talkin’ to?
(Wufei lets him up)
Wufei: Don’t do that!!!
Duo: Ok, it’s not like you don’t beat me up any way! Where’s my room?
Wufei: First since you left before I even started I’m gonna lay down some ground ru…
Duo: Guess I get pick of my room!
(Walks off with his two bags, looks around)
Duo: Ah, this one is great! (Goes in)
Wufei: Hey wait that’s my meditating room!
(Duo closes the door and puts a ‘Do Not Disturb’ Sign up, Wufei starts banging on the door as loud construction like noises start coming from his room, the noises stop after a while and Duo walks out.)
Duo: So how do you like it?
(There’s a black bed in the corner, a desk with a computer and some DeathScythe models is in the corner across from it. Near the corner closest to the door is a card table covered with cardboard that has newpaper on top and has a bunch of model making stuff on it. And a closet sits open with the usual priest get up on most of the hangers and a bunch of gundam models on the top shelf.)
Wufei: Umm, how did you fit all that stuff into just two bags?
Duo: Hmm, I don’t know, how did I Author?
Me: Just go along with it!
Wufei: Ok whatever.
(Wufei sticks the back of his hand up at me and…)
Me: Hey!!!
Wufei: So as I was saying…here are the ground rules, number one, sta…
Duo: When’s dinner?
Wufei: AH FORGET IT!!!
(Wufei storms off.)
Duo: What?!
(Later that night, they are sitting around a table eating dinner.)
Duo: What’s this?!
Wufei: Moo Goo Gai Pan
Duo: Weird name.
Wufei: Just shutup and eat!
Duo: What are these again?
Wufei: Chopsticks!
Duo: Don’t you have a fork or something?
Wufei: No!
Duo: Why can’t we have pizza?
Wufei: Cus I don’t want any!
Duo: (Skewers a fried shrimp with one of the chopsticks) Is this how you use them?
Wufei: No!
Duo: What’s this noodle stuff that’s all soaked with tariyaki sauce?
Wufei: Chow Main!
Duo: Could you hand me one of those burritos?
Wufei: Those are egg rolls! And their right by you!
Duo: But I’m (Gulp) busy with this (Snarf) bowl of (Gulp) fried (Snarf) rice. (Gulp)
Wufei: Well put the bowl down and get it yourself!
Duo: Could you get me a Root Beer?
Wufei: No! Get it yourself!
Duo: Well I’m full, I’m gonna watch TV.
(Duo gets up and goes into the TV room and turns it on, flips it to wrestling)
Wufei: Come put your dishes in the sink!
Duo: But I’m watching wrestling!
Wufei: I don’t care!!!
Duo: Ok, I’ll just stay here then!
(Wufei picks up the dirty dishes and drops the pile onto Duo’s lap then dumps the leftover Chow Main on his head.)
Wufei: Here’s your dishes!!! I’m going to bed!
(Walks off to his room, after duo finally gets it all clean he goes to his room too, he gets out one of the models from his closet [Heavy Arms 1/144] and turns on the radio to a rap station and turns the volume up, by now Wufei is asleep, but he stirs and wakes up at the sound of the music and goes by Duo’s door.)
Wufei: Keep it down in there!!! I’m trying to sleep!!!
Duo: What?!
Wufei: I said keep it down!!!
Duo: I’m sorry! I can’t hear you over the radio! What was that?!
(Wufei comes in with a knife and cuts the wire, then leaves.)
Duo: Hey!
Wufei: GO TO BED!!!
(Duo doesn’t, and gets out another walkman and puts on his headphones while he puts together the model. He starts humming and nodding his head to the rhythm, soon he his also singing, Wufei lies in bed, eyes wide and bloodshot. He gets up and tries to open Duo’s door but it’s locked, he pounds hard on it.)
Duo: What now?
Wufei: SHUT UP DUO!!!!!!
(Wufei goes back to his room. Duo puts away the walkman, and gets out a small TV and watches. The volume is a little too high, Wufei breaks down the door and puts his sword up to Duo’s throat.)
Wufei: TURN…IT…DOWN!
(Duo, trembling, reaches over and tyurns down the volume. Wufei walks out, propping the door back up and sticking the sword through it so the blade sticks through the inside as a grim reminder of what’ll happen to him if he wakes him up again. Duo continues working on the model.)
(The morning, Wufei is walking slowly to the bathroom, but when he is about to go in Duo dashes past him then closes and locks the door.)
Wufei: Duo! I was here first!
Duo: Finders Keepers!!!
Wufei: Fine I’ll just use the bigger one with a hot tub and radio!
Duo: You don’t have one!
Wufei: Dammit!
(An hour later, Duo comes out.)
Duo: All yours!
Wufei(sarcastically): And you really kept me in mind when you took so short!
(Wufei goes in and shuts the door, Duo sits down at the table and poors himself a bowl of Cheerios.)
Wufei: AAAHHH!!! COLD!!!
(Wufei comes out holding a towel around his waist.)
Wufei: You used up all the hot water!!!
Duo(Sarcastically): Oh I’m reeeeally sorry.
(Wufei shoots Duo a look and goes back in the bathroom, come back out a little while later, Duo is gone, there’s a note [As well as a dirty bowl] on the table. Wufei goes and picks it up.)
Wufei: "Dear Wufei, had to split for a job hunt, needed some taxi and bus money so I hope you don’t mind I borrowed $30." HEY!!!
(Wufei runs out but Duo is no where in sight.)
(Later that day, Duo come back in, Wufei is fixing lunch.)
Duo: Hey, what’s for lunch?
Wufei: You’ll have to decide.
Duo: Huh, do you mean I get to cook?
Wufei: No, I mean you can get your own lunch!
Duo: But how?
Wufei: Maybe with the leftovers from the $30 you took with out my permission!
Duo: Oh yeah!
(Walks out again.)
Wufei(Thinks): Well at least I’ll have him outta here for a while.
(Wufei looks at his calendar.)
Wufei: let’s see, July 30th, Tai Chi Lessons.
(Wufei gets an image of coming back to a house in shambles because Duo was there alone.)
Wufei: Oh great!
(About an hour later, Duo come back and Wufei hands him a helmet and drags him outside.)
Duo: Hey! What’s the deal!?
Wufei: I got Tai Chi lessons and I’m not about to leave you in my apartment alone!
(Duo puts on the helmet and hops on the bike behind Wufei. Wufei does a wheelie and takes off, about 15 minutes later…)
Duo: Are we there yet?
Wufei: no.
Duo: Are we there yet?
Wufei: No.
Duo: Are we there yet?
Wufei: No!
Duo: Are we there yet?
Wufei: NO! NOW SHUT UP!!! I CAN EASILY TURN TIGHT ENOUGH TO THROW YOU OFF!!!
(Duo shuts up.)
(At the Tai Chi lessons. They’re walking out.)
Wufei: Couldn’t you just have SHUT UP!!!
Duo: I’m sorry! I was bored…
Wufei: And you satisfied your need to annoy people by flicking small pebbles in people’s faces and offering your comments from the nut gallery!!! Until Master Roshi threw us out of the lesson!!!
Duo: Yeah and that Chi Chi packs a wallop.
(Duo rubs a bug red spot on his cheek)
(Back at the apartment, Duo had them stop by the supermarket and buy some TV dinners since they didn’t have time to cook.)
Wufei: You cook, I’m tired, it’s freakin 10 o’clock!
Duo: Ok then.
(Duo goes in the kitchen. A few minutes later Wufei is woken to the sound of a smoke alarm. He looks around, there’s smoke coming from the kitchen. Wufei runs in.)
Wufei: DUO!!! You can’t even fix a TV dinner right!!!
Duo(While using the fire extinguisher): But I heated them up for 43 minutes like it said!
Wufei: It said 4 minutes 30 seconds you idiot!!!
Duo(Finally gets the fire out): Well I guess We’ll have to skip dinner tonight.
(Wufei storms off to his room and SLAMS the door.)
Duo: touuuuchy!
(Duo sits down and turns on the TV.)
(Morning, Wufei walks out to find Duo asleep on the couch with the TV on, Wufei goes and showers [With hot water this time], and comes out to find Duo waiting for his turn.)
Duo: Hope you didn’t use all the hot water.
Wufei: Don’t worry I saved some for you.
(Duo walks in, he’s still not all the way awake.)
Wufei: So it’s hot water he wants eh?
(Wufei walks over and turns the faucet on cold and waits, after a minute…)
Duo: AAAAHHHHH!!!!!
(Wufei turns the water on hot while laughing out loud.)
Duo: WOOOOO!!!! COLD!!!
(Wufei turns off the water and falls to the floor laughing.)
(Later that day, Wufei is at a Chinese restaurant at his job as a cook. Duo walks in.)
Duo: Hey Wufei!
Wufei(Sarcastically): Oh joy.
Duo: I got a job!
Wufei: Good for you! Now you can get out of my apartment soon!
Duo: Nope, not soon, now, I got a job at the junk yard and I also got a nice little house nearby compliments of my boss!
Wufei: YEEEESSSS!!!!
(Wufei starts dancing around joyfully.)
Duo: But I’d rather stay at your house, so I told him he didn’t have to give it to me.
(Wufei falls over in anime fashion.)
(Back at the apartment complex, Wufei throws both Duo’s bags, then Duo out the door.)
Wufei: I am never letting you into my apartment again!!!
Duo: Well, umm, thanx for letting me stay over.
Wufei: Your welcome now go away!
(Wufei walks back in and falls asleep for some MUCH needed rest after cleaning up the mess Duo left.)
Duo(Through the window): BY the way, Quatre didn’t let me stay with him either!
(Duo starts running.)
Wufei: WHAT?! YOU MEAN I WENT THROUGH TWO AND A HALF DAYS OF HELL TO AVOID A LECTURE THAT WOULD’VE BEEN STOPPED DEAD IN IT’S TRACKS BY MENTIONING THAT?! I’M GONNA KILL YOU!!!
(Wufei chases Duo with his sword down the road)
THE END