You know, sometimes, I feel like my job is too tough. You know, doing what I do is horribly difficult. You know what I mean? All kinds of suckers come up to me talking about "Hey, yo! Lemme get rich and famous! Lemme get immortality! Lemme get my peeps brought back to life! Lemme get some of your fries!"
Man, its real tough being me. Sometimes, I feel like I cannot take it anymore. Sometimes I just wanna end it all. Sometimes, life is hard. It is not easy being the one who has to hook everyone up with every little thing they want. It’s not easy dealing with every single trial and tribulation that comes up around here. It’s not easy getting up every single year. It’s not easy being green.
But sometimes, "You just gotta do what you gotta do," like my man Porunga says. Porunga is my dog. He and I have been through every little thing that eternal life has thrown at us, and we still came out on top! There ain’t nothing that me and Porunga can’t handle, unless of course Kami-Sama can’t do it, or Guru-Sama can’t do it, but we still try our hardest!
I think that us Eternal Dragons are under-appreciated. All we ever do is bring people back to life, or give people immortality, and stuff. It gets hard man, especially when you gotta keep up this hard image. Everyone expects me to be like: "TELL ME YOUR WISH AND I SHALL GRANT IT!" But, you know, sometimes, you just wanna kick back, relax, take a bubble bath, and listen to some Barry White.
That really relaxes me when I’m feeling down. And it really helps when I’m tired from a long day of making wishes. Do you have any idea how much energy it takes to grant wishes? Of course not, you’re a human. But wish granting can be hard sometimes, and it can be a hassle trying to deal with my lifestyle.
DRAGONBALL Z:
THE WEIRDEST of WISHES
By: L. Curtis Totty
Wish Maker #1: SHENLON! COME OUT OF THE DRAGONBALLS!
Shenlon: What is it?
Wish Maker #1: Um…April Fools! HahahAAAHHH!
It happens every few years, if those dingbats from Japan aren’t wishing back another one of their cronies, then some dumbass is summoning me for an April Fools’ joke. It can be really tiring sometimes, but whenever I need help, I just consult Porunga. He’s always there to help me, like just the other day…
Shenlon: WHAZAAAAAAAAAAAP!
Porunga: WHAZAAAAAAAAAAAP!
Shenlon: Hey, man! Got any Agissa Plants?
Porunga: Nah…got any Senzu Beans?
Shenlon: Nah…fresh out…
Porunga: So whatcha been doin’?
Shenlon: Nothin,’ just chillin,’ man. You know how it is."
Porunga: True…true…
Shenlon: So what’s been happening on Namek?
Porunga: Nothin,’ man.
Shenlon: Man, these Chikyuu-jin just be sweatin’ me, man.
Porunga: I know. Sometimes, I just get sick and tired of these Namek-Seijin coming up to me asking for a better Agissa Plant harvest and stuff.
Shenlon: But that’s good. If you give them better Agissa Plants, that’s better stuff for you to smoke.
Porunga: Hey, you’re right!
Shenlon: Well, I better get going back to my Dragonballs. See you, man.
Porunga: A’ight, see you later.
Porunga and me are pretty tight. He helps me when I’m stressed out over the humans. And these humans get me pretty stressed…
Wish Maker #2: Hey, Porunga!
Shenlon: I’m not Porunga. I’m Shenlon. You want the one on Namek.
Wish Maker #2: Oh, okay. See YAAAHHH!
You have no idea how horrible it can be sometimes. Sometimes these people wake me up at the worst times…
Wish Maker #3: SHENLON!
Shenlon: What? Can’t you see I’m busy? (pushes female Eternal Dragon out of the way)
Wish Maker #3: Oh, sorry.
Shenlon: Now, what do you want?
Wish Maker #3: Just wanted to say whazAAAHHH!
It’s so difficult dealing with these idiots who just want to waste all my time! I swear, nobody gives a rat’s ass about me! When does Shenlon get a break? Where’s my cut?
Some people just want to give me a hard time, when they make stupid wishes.
Wish Maker #4: SHENLON!
Shenlon: What is it?
Wish Maker #4: I need to wish back a friend of mine.
Shenlon: Of course. Who?
Wish Maker #4: Wish Maker #2.
Shenlon:…
Wish Maker #4: Can you make it quick, I gottAAAHHH!
Wouldn’t you do things like that when people get on your nerves? This is why in Dragonball, no one but the really strong guys ever make wishes, because otherwise, I’d kill them…
SSJ Goten: (finishes slice of pie) SHENLON!
Shenlon: WHAT DO YOU…oh, hello! What can I do for you?
SSJ Goten: (finishes piece of cake) DANCE!
Shenlon: What?
SSJ Goten: (finishes slice of pizza) I SAID "DANCE!"
Shenlon: You’ve gotta be kidding me…
SSJ Goten: (finishes bag of popcorn and charges up ki)
Shenlon: (does the Macarena…don’t ask how) Heheh…Is this to your liking?
SSJ Goten: NO! DO THE "TWIST!"
Shenlon: (somehow does the Twist, while Beach Boys music plays in the background)
SSJ Goten: AHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAH!
Then there are the ones who just make really weird wishes…
Shenlon: Piccolo? What are you doing here?
Piccolo: …I uh…I met a girl…
Shenlon:…
Piccolo:…uh, she’s kind of nice…
Shenlon: So…
Piccolo: …but I’m a Namek-Seijin, and uh…
Shenlon: Oh, I see…here you go…
Piccolo: (looks inside his pants) Thanks. (flies away)
Shenlon: What? What? WHAT?
Writer: I need one of your feathers…yes…one of them, indeed! AHAHAHAHAH!
Shenlon:…
The fun part is when you can tell that different wishes are connected…
Shenlon: What is it now?
Web Host (ess): (shuddering) Take the feather away from him…
Shenlon: Ooooookayyyyyy…
Sometimes, the wishes are just plain weird…
Mark from Blink 182: We need inspiration for a song! Can you tell us how old you are?
Shenlon: Damn it! I hate it when they ask for all the small things! Okay…now, what’s my age again? What about, uh…no wait, that’s Adam’s song! Sorry, can’t help you! I guess it’s beyond Dende’s power! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go home for college…
Travis from Blink 182: Oh no, sir…you’ve helped us a whole lot AAAHHH!
Tom from Blink 182: (beating him over the head with his own drumstick) WHO SAID YOU COULD TALK? WE DON’T PAY YOU IN TABLE SCRAPS TO TALK! WHY DID YOU TALK?
Travis from Blink 182: (cowering in fear) I’m sorry…I…
Mark from Blink 182: WHY ARE YOU TALKING NOW? GO SIT ON YOUR DRUMS AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU’RE DOING!
Travis from Blink 182: (walks away, sulking)
Tom from Blink 182: We’re really sorry about him.
Mark from Blink 182: You know how drummers can be.
Shenlon: Hey, what do you call the moron that likes to hang out with the band?
Tom and Mark: What?
Shenlon: The drummer.
Shenlon, Tom and Mark: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Those Blink 182 guys sure were cool. They even took me out for ice cream and lollipops! They were so nice! I gave them more ideas for songs!
Then there are some really weird people who make wishes that don’t make any sense…
Shenlon: What is it now?
Wish Maker #5: Can you get into a death-match with Porunga?
Shenlon:…
Wish Maker #5: Well? AAAHHH!
Dende: Hey! I wanna see a death-match with you against Porunga!
Shenlon: What?
Dende: You’d better do it, too! And you can’t kill me, because that’ll kill you, too!
Shenlon: Argh…
"Hello everyone, and welcome to another exciting edition of CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH FANDEMONIUM!" said the commentator. "I’m Johnny Gomez…"
"And I’m Nick Diamond!" said the other commentator. "Folks, we’ve got a very special match lined up for you tonight! It’s Eternal Dragon VS Eternal Dragon: Shenlon and Porunga will go head to head in an all-out war!"
"This match has been brewing for months! Even though it is rumored that these two combatants are long-time friends, they’ve been forced into this match due to wishes made by the people of their respective home planets," said Johnny Gomez.
"That’s right, and we’ll be right here to give you the play-by-play action on CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH FANDEMONIUM!" wailed Nick Diamond.
"It looks like Shenlon is entering the ring, ladies and gentlemen, and he does not look happy to be competing tonight," said Johnny Gomez. "Neither does Porunga…"
"THEY’D DAMN STRAIGHT BETTER FIGHT! I WANNA SEE SOME DRAGON BLOOD!" yelled Nick.
"Calm down, Nick," said Johnny.
"Oh sorry, Johnny," said Nick. "I guess I just got carried away."
"Ladies and gentlemen, both combatants have entered the ring and are approaching Mills Lane," said Johnny.
"Ok, boys," said Mills Lane. "I have no idea what your anatomies are like, but you guys do, so if either of you hits below the belt, we’ll have to go by the honor system!
"Now let’s get it on!"
"Uh…you’re going down…sucker…" Shenlon acted.
"Cut the crap, Shenlon! We’re not pretending!"
"Huh?"
"I’M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!" Porunga lunged at Shenlon, and punched him right in the jaw! Shenlon tried to fight back, but…
"Damn these short arms! Why couldn’t I have real arms?" cried Shenlon.
"Uh...it was beyond my power...yeah, that's it..." said Dende. "MURDELIZE HIM, PORUNGA!"
"I’ve had enough of you, Shenlon! You’re always bothering me with your problems on Earth! Why can’t you just be a Dragon and get your act together? You’re a disgrace to Eternal Dragons everywhere!"
"You bastard!" Shenlon wound his long body around Porunga’s and began to choke him. "Yeah! What, fool? Who’s the real Dragon around here, now?"
Porunga grabbed Shenlon, stretched him out, and began to play jump rope with him…somehow. A worthless human walked up to the ring.
"HEY, SHENLON!"
"Wha-ah-ah-ah-at?" cried Shenlon.
"MY FEATHER’S GONE! I NEED ANOTHER ONE!"
"NO! NOT ANOTHER FEATHER!" cried a young girl who tackled the young wish maker.
"Hey, come on," said the writer. "We’re right in front of thousands of people! We can’t do this nOWWW!"
Shenlon was being horribly pummeled. "I’m being horribly pummeled!
"I’ve got to think of something quick before Porunga beats the living daylights out of me! Oh wait, I know…
TAIYOKEN!"
"STOP COPYING MY MOVES!" cried Kurilin.
"No, that’s my move," said Tenshinhan.
"You sure?" asked Kurilin. Tenshinhan nodded. "But I thought for sure there was some move of mine that everyone was copying…"
"You mean the Kienzan?" asked Tenshinhan.
"Oh yeah…THAT’S WHAT GOT ME SO MAD IN THE FIRST PLACE!" yelled Kurilin.
"But no one has been using your move lately," said Tenshinhan.
"Hmm…you’re right," said Kurilin, as he sat down. "I’ll shut up now."
"KICK HIS ASS, PORUNGA!" yelled Tenshinhan.
After blinding Porunga with Kurilin’s move, Shenlon swung his tail around from behind him, and was about to smite Porunga down.
"…"
"…"
"…"
"…What’s taking that blasted tail of mine to get over here?" asked Shenlon.
"I don’t know, BUT I’M NOT WAITING ANY LONGER!"
Porunga prepared to attack Shenlon, and his tail still hadn’t reached the front! Things didn’t look good for the Eternal Dragon of Earth…
…
"…"
…I said, "Things didn’t look good for the Eternal Dragon of Earth!"
…
PICCOLO!
"Oh, that’s my cue, isn’t it? Okay…"
All of a sudden, a green and purple blur flew through the sky, and knocked Porunga backwards! (About time)
"Hey, Johnny! Shenlon can’t get help from an outside source!" said Nick.
"Let’s see what Referee Mills Lane has to say," said Johnny.
"…I’ll allow it!"
"Thanks a lot, Piccolo!" said Shenlon.
"Hey, it was the least I could do after you gave me manhood!" said the Namek-Seijin.
"Right, and now I’ve got enough time to get my ass over here!"
…
"Damn this long body…uh, give me a minute!"
"Looks like in the meantime, I’ll have to fight off Porunga," said Piccolo as he turned to face his opponent.
"HERE IT COMES! PICCOLO – DUCK!"
Piccolo suddenly swooped down to the ground, and saw a big green blur pass over his head and knock Porunga senseless.
"You guys are really beginning to piss me off!"
"HEY! DON’T PISS OF THE GOD OF LOVE!" cried Dende as he flew into the ring. He flew over to Porunga and began to heal him.
"Oh no, you don’t," said Piccolo, as he booted Dende in the face, knocking him out of the ring.
"This is bedlam, Johnny! We’ve got two Eternal Dragons in the ring, and a Namek-Seijin kicking the crap out of another on the outside!" cried Nick.
"You’re right, Nick. This is getting pretty ugly," said Johnny. "And so is Dende."
"PORUNGA! BEAT BOTH OF THESE GUYS UP!" cried Dende.
"I CAN’T!"
"WHAT? WHY NOT?"
"I CAN ONLY BEAT UP ONE PERSON AT A TIME!"
Shenlon and Piccolo capitalized on Porunga’s horrible inefficiency, and began to double-team him. Finally, the two super-warriors managed to knock Porunga down for the count!
"1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…9…10!" counted Mills Lane. "That’s it! This match is over!"
"What a fight, ladies and gentlemen! Eternal Dragon VS Eternal Dragon and what a finish!" said Nick Diamond. "I’m Nick Diamond!"
"And I’m Johnny Gomez," said the other commentator. "Good fight, good night!"
Yeah, I was pretty roughed up in that fight. But, you know, I proved my worth to the world. I really am a good Eternal Dragon. I know I’ve got a tough job, but…you know, it’s mine, and I love it! Sometimes, you just gotta make do with what you got! I’ve got phenomenal cosmic powers and an eenie meenie living space, and I…huh?
Little Girl: Shenlon?
Shenlon: Yeah, what is it?
Little Girl: (trying to remember what to say) Oh yeah, um…I wish for your freedom!
Shenlon: You what?
Little Girl: I wish for your freedom!
Shenlon:…
Little Girl: Um…
Shenlon: WHOO-HOO! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! Whoo!
Little Girl: (giggles) I love you, Shen…
Shenlon: (flies into space) SAYONARA! (shoots giant ki blast down at Earth, causing it to explode)
THE END