He stood silently in front of the temple, exhausted from his training. He wiped his brow, and continued to sweep the ground.
"It certainly is a beautiful day today," thought Tenchi. "Too bad grandfather has got me doing work all day…" He sighed, and then looked up towards the sky. It was 5:04 PM, according to his watch, and he could soon see the first star of the night sky, inside the crescent moon.
"Inside the crescent moon?" thought Tenchi. "That’s impossible! Casting the Earth’s shadow upon it forms the crescent moon! I shouldn’t be able to see behind there!"
Tenchi noticed that the star was becoming larger and larger every second. Soon, it became apparent to him that this was not a star at all. A large object was moving towards him at incredible speed.
"Oh no…it must be…some kind of spaceship!" cried Tenchi, as he began to hop up and down in anxiety. "Kind of small for a spaceship though…"
Tenchi could soon make out the form of the spaceship. It was large and white, with huge wings, and enormous flames shooting from the back. On the front was some kind of gun. Tenchi noticed that the ship wasn’t slowing down. "Oh no! I’ve gotta get out of here!" He ran into the temple, and peered out the window at the enormous apparatus. Suddenly, the ship did something incredible…
It transformed into a large, winged, monster!
"AAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHH!" cried Tenchi. "WHAT’S GOING ON HERE?"
The monster appeared humanoid to Tenchi, as it crashed down in the lake in front of Tenchi’s home. He slowly walked out of the temple, and slowly approached the monster.
As he walked, he stumbled on something. The culprit that caused his fall was the broom that he had left on the ground. He picked it up, holding it like a spear. He called out to the monster.
"ALL RIGHT! WHOEVER’S IN THERE HAD BETTER COME OUT, NOW!" yelled Tenchi. "YOU’RE TRESPASSING! YOU DON’T SCARE ME WITH YOUR HUGE GUN AND YOUR ENORMOUS SIZE THAT COULD EASILY CRUSH ME AND FURTHER STOMP ME INTO ITTY-BITTY MORSELS!"
The giant monster turned its head towards Tenchi, and its eyes glowed with a green color. Tenchi hid behind the broom. "Damn! If only I didn’t have these rippling muscles, then he wouldn’t be able to see me!"
The huge demon walked towards Tenchi. It stepped out of the water, and came closer and closer towards him. Tenchi backed away. "You…you don’t…scare me…come on out…please?"
Suddenly, a door on the monster’s crotch opened up, and out fell a young blonde-haired girl with peculiarly shaped eyebrows. "Hey…who are you?" demanded Tenchi.
The girl turned towards Tenchi and smirked. She began to walk towards him, very slowly. Tenchi was slightly startled. Soon, she was face-to-face with him. She leaned in close to his lips and said…
"WHAZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!"
Tenchi fell backwards to the ground. "Who…are…you, and…what’s that…thing?"
"That thing is called the Gundam Wing Zero, and my name is Dorothy Catalonia!"
YYYYEEEEAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWUUUUUUUU!
TENCHI MUYO:
NO NEED FOR GUNDAMS!
By: L. Curtis Totty
Tenchi’s grandfather walked out of the temple. "Tenchi! You should be working! What are you…who is this?"
"My name is Dorothy Catalonia!" said the woman from the monster. "And who might you be?"
"My name is Yoshou. I am Tenchi’s grandfather. Tell me, what do you call that machine?" he asked.
"That’s a Mobile Suit. It’s called a Gundam," said Dorothy.
"Hey!" called Tenchi. "Do you want to tell me what’s going on here?"
Dorothy looked like she was going to cry. "I was just…on my way home from the space colonies to Earth when my spaceship was destroyed by a Space Pirate!"
"A space pirate?" asked Tenchi.
"I was forced to escape using the Mobile Suit I was carrying on my ship," said Dorothy in a broken voice. "I was carrying it for a friend of mine named Heero Yuy, but now… (She broke into wailing) …IT’S BUSTED AND WON’T FLY!"
Tenchi and Yoshou looked worried for a second. "Um…would you like to come and eat with us?" asked Yoshou.
"Okay!" said Dorothy, now completely tearless.
Dorothy began to scarf down her dinner. Tenchi, who sat next to her, watched her eat as if it was her last meal. He looked frightened. "So…Dorothy…" he began. "Just who was it that was chasing after you?"
Dorothy stopped eating again, and began to cry into Tenchi’s arms. "Oh, Tenchi! She was so scary! She had an entire space armada attacking my poor widdle Gundam! Please tell me you’ll protect me…" she said, gazing into Tenchi’s eyes.
"Uh…okay…" said Tenchi, not sure what else to say.
"OH THANK YOU SO MUCH!" Dorothy hugged Tenchi to her bosom.
"Hey! Cut that out!" cried Tenchi, as he pulled his face away from her chest. "What’s the matter with you?"
"I’m sorry, Tenchi…I’m just so scared…" said Dorothy. "But I know you can kill that mean old bitch!"
"Uh…perhaps I can reason with her…" suggested Tenchi.
"Oh no! There’s no reasoning with people like her! You’ve got to kill her Tenchi!" said Dorothy.
"Uh…whatever…" said Tenchi.
The spaceship seemed to move through outer space very slowly, but it was actually travelling a supersonic speed. She stood at the helm, looking through the window out into the darkness of outer space. "Pagan!" she called.
"Yes, Miss Relena?" asked her butler.
"Which planet did the Space Pirate land on?" asked Relena.
"What do you mean which planet? What other planet is she gonna land on?" asked Pagan.
"Oh yeah…that’s right…" said Relena. She looked like she was going to cry.
Pagan sighed. "It’s the third one from the Sun…a planet called Earth…" said Pagan, sticking to the script.
"RIGHT!" yelled Relena. "It’s time to begin our attack! Is the Sandrock ready?"
"Yes, Miss Relena…"
"Good! Then I’ll head out immediately!" said Relena.
"Oh Tenchi…" said Dorothy.
"What is it this time, Dorothy?" asked Tenchi.
He turned around to see Dorothy lying on his bed, wearing his pajamas. "Let’s do it again!"
"AH! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YOU AND I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING A FIRST TIME!" cried Tenchi.
"Don’t you remember, Tenchi?" asked Dorothy. "The way you ripped my clothes off and tossed me on the bed like an animal…"
"KNOCK IT OFF!" yelled Tenchi. Suddenly, he noticed another light in the sky. "Oh, not again!" He ran out of the room. Dorothy gave chase.
Tenchi was soon outside again, only now he wasn’t as frightened as before. He saw another huge monster, crashed in the lake, like the Gundam that Dorothy came down in. "Oh no!" cried Dorothy. "It’s the mean old Space Pirate that was trying to kill me! You’ve got to protect your woman, Tenchi!"
"I told you to knock it off…" said Tenchi. He turned back towards the huge machine coming down towards them. He noticed that it was pointing a gun at them. "Stay back," he told Dorothy. He walked towards the huge machine.
"Be careful, Tenchi…" said Dorothy. "Remember, she’s ruthless!"
"Ah, excuse me!" called Tenchi. "I don’t mean to be rude, but I was wondering if you came for her…" He pointed to Dorothy.
"Yes…" said a female voice.
"Well, uh…I don’t think it would be a very good idea to do that…you see," said Tenchi. "Space Pirates like you have nothing to gain from a woman like her!"
"WHAT’S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?" cried Dorothy.
"Space Pirate?" asked a voice from inside the machine. "I’m no Space Pirate! She’s the Space Pirate!"
"WHAT?" cried Tenchi, as he turned to Dorothy.
The woman inside stepped out of the large, busted machine, and stepped towards Tenchi. "My name is Relena Peacecraft, and I’m here to arrest this woman…"
"Go ahead and try! There’s no way I’ll go with you!" yelled Dorothy.
"Ladies, ladies…" said Yoshou, as he stepped out of the temple. "It seems that both of you are in the same predicament. Neither of you has a working Gundam to fly home in. You shouldn’t fight! You should try to help each other to get off this planet…maybe you’d like some dinner…"
Relena, Dorothy, and Tenchi sat at the dinner table, eating Yoshou’s delicious Japanese dishes. Yoshou walked by carrying sweet cakes on a platter. "Would you care for some sweet cakes, Miss Relena?" asked Yoshou.
"Thank you," said Relena.
"How about you, Miss Dorothy?" asked Yoshou.
"I guess so…" said Dorothy.
Tenchi noticed that the two ladies were staring at each other quite angrily. He decided it was time to break the silence. "So…why is it that you two are so mad at each other…"
"Oh, Tenchi!" moaned Dorothy. "She was so mean to me…I remember how it all started…" She went into a flashback sequence...
"WHORE!" yelled Relena.
"BITCH!" yelled Dorothy. Relena tackled her, and the two of them rolled along the meadow, fighting over the ownership of a small flower.
"You liar! Excuse me, but I remember things a little differently…" said Relena, as she began her own flashback sequence…
"BITCH!" yelled Dorothy.
"WHORE!" yelled Relena. Dorothy tackled her, and the two of them rolled along the meadow, fighting over the ownership of Quatre Raberba Winner’s manhood.
"That is sooooo not what happened!" yelled Dorothy.
"It is, too!" yelled Relena.
"Is not!"
"Is too!"
"Is not!"
"Is too!"
"Is too!"
"Is not…Wait a minute! Oh, Dorothy, you!"
"KNOCK IT OFF!" cried Tenchi.
"Tenchi, she’s lying!" cried Dorothy.
"You’re the one who’s lying!" cried Relena.
"I said KNOCK IT OFF!" cried Tenchi. He began to pant and sweat profusely. "Look…we’re not going to get anywhere with the two of you fighting! Now, let’s all just calm down and finish eating our dinner!"
"All right," said Relena.
"Fine by me," said Dorothy. They continued to eat with evil looks on their faces.
Relena sat on a cliff, overlooking the lake. She began to wonder how she would ever leave, now that her Gundam had crashed, and there was no way for her to get back to her spaceship, or even contact Pagan for that matter. She began to wonder what she would do now that she was stranded on Earth.
"Miss Relena?" Relena turned around and saw Tenchi standing behind her. "Is something wrong?" She quickly stood up.
"No…nothing’s wrong…" said Relena. "Nothing at all."
"Hey, do you need a place to stay?" asked Tenchi.
Relena turned to face Tenchi. At first she was happy, but then she thought of Dorothy. "No, I couldn’t. I’d be too much trouble. Besides, it seems you’ve already invited a guest to your house…"
"Who, Dorothy?" asked Tenchi. "Well, she sort of invited herself, you see…" He chuckled. Relena smiled. She turned back towards the lake.
"I managed to use the Sandrock to send out a distress signal…I should get picked up soon," said Relena. "It’s a shame though…this planet is very beautiful…"
"It is…" said Tenchi. He stepped closer to Relena, and the two of them watched the sunset.
"The sunset is very beautiful, too," said Relena. "Have you ever seen anything more beautiful?"
"I can think of a few things," said Tenchi, as he turned to Relena, smiling. She smiled back at him.
Suddenly, they realized what they were doing, and stepped away from each other. "Uh…it’s kinda late isn’t it?" asked Tenchi.
"Late! Right!" agreed Relena. "We’d better head back." She turned to walk away, but she didn’t see the tree root behind her, and tripped over it, falling on the ground.
"Miss Relena! Are you all right? Can you get up?" asked Tenchi. Relena struggled to stand.
"I don’t think I can…" said Relena. "I think I sprained it…"
"I’ll help you…" said Tenchi. He wrapped her arm around his neck, and supported her as the two of them walked back to the temple.
"Hey, what’s that?" asked Tenchi, as he looked up towards the sky.
"It looks like another Gundam…" said Relena. "I guess it’s here to take me back home…" she said, sullenly.
Soon, they could see the Gundam Deathscythe Hell enter the Earth’s atmosphere. It soon landed on the ground next to the lake, but not in it. "Hey, it didn’t crash this time…heheh…" chuckled Tenchi.
"Lucky me…" thought Relena.
Out of the Gundam Deathscythe Hell came a young girl wearing a beret. "Hi, Miss Relena!" she called. "I got your distress call!"
"Hi, Hilde," said Relena. "I guess I’m…ready to go now…"
Dorothy suddenly grabbed Tenchi. "Well, Tenchi and I will see you later…much later…"
"Wait a second…" said Yoshou. "I can’t let you leave so quickly!"
"WHY NOT?" cried Dorothy.
"What kind of host would I be?" asked Yoshou. "Miss Hilde, perhaps you would like to rest…you can all spend the night here, and the two of you can leave tomorrow!"
"That sounds all right…" said Hilde. "I guess I could use a little R&R…"
Tenchi sat in the hot springs, in his underwear, soothing his aches and pains resulting from the stressful women living under his roof. "This is so relaxing. I hope I can sit here peacefully, without any problems…"
"Oh Tenchi…"
"Oh no…"
Dorothy leapt into the water, and swam towards Tenchi. She put his arms around his torso from behind. Tenchi didn’t care. He kept his eyes closed. This hot spring was too relaxing, and he didn’t want to disrupt his rest.
Then he realized he couldn’t feel any clothes on Dorothy. "AAAAAAHHHH! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?" cried Tenchi.
"I’m just giving you a massage, Tenchi honey…" said Dorothy. Tenchi sighed in exasperation.
"Fine," said Tenchi, as she began to gently rub his shoulders. Then her hands began to move down. "Okay, that’s it!" Tenchi swam away.
"Oh Tenchi! Why are you being so mean to me? Didn’t you enjoy last night?" Just then, Hilde and Relena walked in, wearing towels.
"NOTHING HAPPENED LAST NIGHT!" cried Tenchi. Relena looked confused.
"Hi, Hilde! Hi, Relena! Tenchi and I were just taking a bath together! Weren’t we, honey?" asked Dorothy.
"Knock it off, already!" said Tenchi. "I’m trying to relax, here!"
"Dorothy! You heard Tenchi! Quit it!" yelled Relena.
"Who are you to make me?" asked Dorothy. "If Tenchi wants me to quit it, he’ll say so…"
"Quit it…" said Tenchi.
"…But he hasn’t, has he?" asked Dorothy.
"Quit it…"
"…Because Tenchi and I are deeply in love."
"Quit it…"
"…And he loves it when I su…"
"DOROTHY!" cried Tenchi and Relena.
"I told you several times to quit it!" repeated Tenchi. "And would you PLEASE PUT SOMETHING ON?"
"Tenchi, whatever is the matter?" asked Dorothy, looking hurt. "I was wearing the same thing last night and you didn’t seem to mind!"
"THAT DOES IT, DOROTHY! I’VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH YOU!" yelled Relena.
"OH! YOU WANNA HAVE A GO OF IT?" retorted Dorothy.
"COME GET SOME!" yelled Relena. Dorothy leapt out of the water at Relena. Relena threw a fist at Dorothy’s face, but Dorothy grabbed Relena’s outstretched arm, and pulled off her towel, exposing her!
Tenchi’s nose began to bleed at the sight of this. "…Which I don’t understand why…" said Dorothy, laughing. Tenchi crawled behind a rock in the middle of the pool to watch the catfight in the middle of the pool. The rock was soon covered in Tenchi’s nose-blood. Hilde swam towards him to get out of harm’s way.
Relena and Dorothy rolled around in the water as Tenchi and Hilde looked on in amazement. "What a fight…" said Tenchi, as even more blood spewed out of his mouth.
Hilde noticed this and giggled. "You’re a naughty boy, aren’t ya, Tenchi?" Tenchi splashed water at her. Hilde simply gazed into his eyes. Tenchi fainted on the rock from blood loss.
Dorothy and Relena had tired themselves out from their battle, and now rested through the night. However, Relena thought about the next day, and how she would have to leave with Hilde and return to the Colonies.
"Well, Miss Relena," began Tenchi. "I guess this is…"
"Goodbye! Sayonara! Adios! Au revoir! Arrivaderci! Liederhosen!" called Dorothy, on Tenchi’s shoulder.
"Yes…I guess…" said Relena.
"Are you ready to go, Miss Relena?" asked Hilde.
"Yes…goodbye Tenchi…" said Relena. She walked towards the Gundam Deathscythe Hell and climbed inside. Hilde followed.
"Hey! We’ll even see you off!" called Dorothy. She dragged Tenchi into the Gundam Wing Zero, and it transformed into its Bird Mode and took off after the Gundam Deathscythe Hell.
"Hey, wait a minute…" said Tenchi. "I thought that this Gundam was broken!"
"Uhhh…"
Soon, the Gundam Deathscythe Hell was flying towards the Colonies, and the Gundam Wing Zero was following it. "Dorothy! What are you doing?"
"I just thought I’d make sure you’d leave so me and Tenchi could live our lives in peace!" said Dorothy.
"WHY YOU!" cried Relena. "HILDE! ATTACK HER!"
"What?" cried Hilde.
"Oh never mind! Move over, I’ll do it!" said Relena. She got behind the helm of the Gundam Deathscythe Hell and fired the Buster Shield at the Gundam Wing Zero.
"WHY YOU! OK, TENCHI…IT’S TIME TO STRIKE BACK!"
"Tenchi?" asked Relena.
The Gundam Wing Zero fired the Twin Buster Rifle at the Gundam Deathscythe Hell, which dodged the beam with its incredible speed, and flew towards the Wing Zero, brandishing the Beam Scythe.
"Miss Relena," began Tenchi. "Are you sure you want to…"
"BRING IT ON!" yelled Dorothy. The Gundam Wing Zero pulled out the Beam Saber and flew towards the Gundam Deathscythe Hell.
"You guys…I don’t think this is such a GOOD IDEA! AAAAHHHH!" cried Tenchi.
Hilde stood at the stove, cooking carrots for some unknown reason. "Are you guys ready to eat?"
"Yeah, sure, Hilde!" said Tenchi, smiling.
"Hurry up! I’m hungry!" called Dorothy.
"Here you go, guys!" said Hilde. She served Dorothy, Relena, Tenchi, and Yoshou their dinner.
"Ahhhhh…this is very tasty, Hilde…" said Yoshou.
"I’m so glad you like it," said Hilde. "How is yours, Tenchi?"
"Very good, Hilde!" said Tenchi. He spilled some soup on his pants.
"Here, Tenchi…" said Dorothy. "Let me get it off…"
"NO!" cried Relena and Tenchi.
"I can get it off myself…" said Tenchi. "Grandfather, can you please hand me a rag?"
Yoshou picked up the rag and started to hand it to Tenchi, but then he quickly put it over his grandson’s face and threw his fist towards Tenchi’s stomach. Tenchi suddenly pulled off the rag and wrapped it around Yoshou’s arm, and pulled it tight. "Heheheh…sorry, grandfather, but I’ve gotten faster…"
Yoshou suddenly used his other hand to swing his spoon into the side of Tenchi’s head, and knock him into his own bowl of soup. "You’ve still got a lot to learn, Tenchi…"
Tenchi made bubbles in his soup, then sat up, while everyone else laughed. He began to laugh as well.
Somewhere deep in space, the Altron Gundam floated through outer space, moving closer and closer to the Earth.
Inside was a young, blonde woman, struggling to defeat her video game, when suddenly, she received a transmission from a commanding Colony Police officer.
"Lieutenant Sally Po!" yelled the commander.
Sally quickly turned off her Sega Dreamcast with Ready 2 Rumble Boxing, available for only $299.99! She turned towards the man in the video screen before her. "Uh…yes, Captain?"
"Lt. Po, we have a mission for you…it seems that the mad scientist, The Kitten, has escaped from her prison cell. She was using a Gundam!"
"A Gundam?" asked Sally. "That’s bad, isn’t it? You’d better get someone on it, right away, sir!"
"That’s why I called you, Lt. Po! Normally, I’d send someone somewhat intelligent, but you’re the closest operative to Earth, so it looks like you’ll have to handle this," said the Captain.
"Uh…Yes sir! I promise to uphold my duty and make sure that The Kitten is put back into custody!" Sally saluted. "But…how do I do that?"
"Well, obviously you’d have to use your Gundam," said the Captain.
"Gundam? What Gundam?" asked Sally.
"THE ONE YOU’RE IN RIGHT NOW!" yelled the Captain.
"Ohhhhh riiiiight…this is a Gundam?" asked Sally.
The Captain fell down, anime-style. "Just get to Earth all ready!" cried the Captain.
"Yes sir! You can count on me! Lieutenant Sally Po, signing off!" said Sally, as she turned off her transmission. The Altron Gundam gained speed and rushed off towards the Earth.
Exploding from Alcatreize Island was a large Mobile Suit, definitely made of Gundanium. It flew to the west towards Japan, as several other Mobile Suits gave chase, and fired at it.
The Gundam Heavyarms turned around in mid-air and pointed the Laser Gatling Guns at the enemy Mobile Suits, destroying them easily.
"I’ve got to find a place to hide," thought Catherine, as she continued to shoot down several more Mobile Suits. The Heavyarms was already over Japan. Catherine saw a large forest. The Heavyarms landed in the middle of the forest. The canopy came up to its shoulders. The Heavyarms’s green eyes stopped glowing, as if to say that they were closed.
"Hurry…we’ve got to find her!" said a Mobile Suit pilot.
"Heheh…" said Catherine. "Kitten, you are such a genius…"
"HOORAY! YOU ARE A GENIUS, KITTEN!" said the two miniature, mechanical Catherines on her shoulders.
"I know. Now, I’ve got to find a place to hide," said Catherine. To her right, she could see a clearing with what looked like a large temple, with a boy and several girls gawking at her. "That looks like a good place to hide…I’m such a genius!"
"YOU’RE THE SMARTEST ONE EVER, KITTEN!"
"Damn right," said Catherine as she exited the Gundam Heavyarms.
"Great, another one of those Gundam things…" said a worried Tenchi.
"Tenchi…what’s that?" asked Hilde.
"I’m not sure, Hilde…" said Tenchi.
"You’d better check it out, Tenchi," said Dorothy, as she shoved him towards the Gundam.
"Hey!" yelled Tenchi. He glared at Dorothy, and walked toward the woman standing outside the Gundam.
"Uh, excuse me, Miss?" asked Tenchi.
"Oh! Hi!" said the woman. "My name is Catherine! You must call me Little Cathy!"
"Little?" asked Tenchi. "But you’re the tallest one here…"
"YOU MUST CALL HER LITTLE CATHY!"
"Yeah, but…"
"Call me Little Cathy…" growled Catherine.
"Uh…right, um…Little Cathy…" said Tenchi, with his hand behind his head in typical anime fashion.
"You too…" growled Catherine…uh, I mean, Little Cathy.
"THAT’S BETTER! YOU MUST OBEY THE GENIUS!"
"Of course…" said Tenchi, backing away.
Suddenly, there was another light in the sky, which was moving towards the Earth. "Oh dear…it looks like another Gundam…" said Relena, a little worried.
"AAAAAHHHHH! I CAN’T DRIVE THIS CRAZY THING!" cried a voice from inside it.
The Altron Gundam crashed down on the Gundam Heavyarms, thus demolishing both of them at once. "Well, there’s a fine how-do-you-do…" said Yoshou, in a very monotone voice. "Tenchi, go help the young woman out of that Gundam…"
"Oh may I?" said Tenchi, sarcastically, as he walked towards the wreckage. "All right, let’s see here…uh…Miss? Are you all right in there?"
Suddenly, the crotch-hatch on the Altron Gundam swung open, and a blonde-haired woman in a military uniform tumbled out. She stood up, and dusted her uniform off. "Oh dear…where am I?" she said.
"Um…ma’am?" asked Tenchi.
"Oh! I know where I am now!" said the woman. "I’m on Earth!"
The others fell down anime-style. "I have the feeling we’re going to do this often," said Dorothy.
The woman looked around, and saw Little Cathy on the ground with the others. She gasped. "Oh my! It’s The Kitten!"
"Yeah, that’s right…" said Little Cathy. "Who are you?"
"I am Lieutenant Sally Po of the Colony Police Force!" she shouted, as she pulled out her gun and pointed it at herself. "…And I’m here to apprehend the mad scientist, The Kitten! Kitten, it’s time for you to go back to jail!"
"OH DEAR! THE WOMEN AT ALCATREIZE WILL BE ALL OVER THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GENIUS THERE IS!"
"Of course they will," said Little Cathy, beaming. "I’m sorry, Sally, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to decline your offer for this arrest…"
"You’re declining?" asked Sally. "Oh no…now what am I going to do?"
Just as Tenchi, Hilde, Dorothy, and Relena were getting up, they fell down again. "Oh! I’ve got an idea!" said Sally. "If you don’t come quietly, I’ll have to shoot you!"
"Go where?" asked Little Cathy. "All of the Gundams have been completely destroyed. How are we supposed to get to Alcatreize?"
Sally had a blank expression on her face. "Oh dear. It seems I haven’t thought of that, have I?"
"Well, I guess you might as well come in for dinner…" offered Yoshou once again.
"Okay, how many great-grandchildren do you expect to have?" asked Tenchi.
Somewhere in space, a large red Gundam floats through space, towards the Earth. The pilot, one Lieutenant Lucrezia Noin receives some much-needed relaxation time, and rests her eyes and mind. "Finally, some peace and quiet…"
Suddenly, Lt. Noin receives a transmission from the Captain. "Lt. Noin?"
"Oh no…"
"Lt. Noin, I have a mission for you…"
"Please don’t let it be about Sally…"
"It’s about your partner, Sally…"
"#*$&*(#%&*($*(@#&*!"
"Lt. Noin, please respond…"
"Yes, sir…Lieutenant Lucrezia Noin reporting for duty, sir…"
"Good…Now, then, Lt. Noin, I have a mission for you regarding the recent breakout of The Kitten…"
"The Kitten has escaped from Alcatreize?" asked Lt. Noin.
"That’s right…we sent Sally after her, but we lost her Gundam’s signal, and now we don’t know where she is," said the Captain.
"That sounds like Sally, all right…" thought Lt. Noin.
"The most recent location of her signal was somewhere over Japan. I’m e-mailing you the coordinates now," said the Captain. "I trust I can count on you, Lt. Noin."
"Don’t worry, Captain…I can handle this. Lt. Lucrezia Noin, signing off," said Noin, as she terminated the transmission.
The Gundam Epyon sped towards the Earth. "Sally…" thought Noin. "Omae o korosu…"
"Can I help with cooking dinner?" asked Sally.
"Sure, Sally," said Hilde. "Just pick up the spoon and read the cookbook."
Sally picked up the spoon and began to stir the Carrot Stew. She looked at the page that it was open to. It read "Carrot Cake." She turned to see a mixing bowl. "Okay…what’s the first ingredient?" she asked. She began to add the ingredients as she read them. "Let’s see…three large carrots…sugar…flour…baking soda…eggs…milk, and…uh…three pounds of ground beef…four boneless chicken breasts…and a cup of vinegar…" She stirred the batter, and popped it into the oven, and waited.
Hilde had gone to place the rest of the food on the table. Soon, she called to Sally. "Hey, Sally! Bring in the Carrot Cake!"
"Okay!" shouted Sally. She pulled the finished cake out of the oven. "I bet this’ll be tasty…there certainly were some strange ingredients, though…"
Everyone sat down to eat their dinner. Soon, it was time for dessert. "Mmm…how about some of that Carrot Cake, Sally?" asked Yoshou, smiling.
"All right!" smiled Sally. She cut a piece for everyone, and put it on their plates. Everyone stared at the strange excuse for a pastry before them.
"Sally this is…certainly a very…interesting-looking cake…" said Tenchi.
"It looks rather lumpy…" said Dorothy. "That stuff right there looks like sem-"
"DIG IN, EVERYBODY!" yelled Tenchi.
"But I’m telling you," said Dorothy. "That stuff looks like -"
"…Something you should have no problem eating," said Relena.
"Hey, what’s that supposed to mean?" asked Dorothy.
"It means what it sounds like…" said Relena. The two of them were soon growling in each other’s faces.
"Ladies, don’t fight!" said Yoshou. "Just try it!" He took a bite, convulsed, fainted, and then threw up.
"Uh…Sally…what page in the cookbook were you on when you made this?" asked Hilde.
Sally went to get the cookbook, which was still open to the Carrot Cake page. Hilde noticed that the page was stuck to another. Hilde fumed when she looked at that other page. "Sally…the other page is for MEAT AND CALORIE CASSEROLE!"
"Oh dear…I guess I messed up, didn’t I?" asked Sally. Everyone nodded. "Well…at least I gave everyone their daily requirement of heart attacks!" The others had another infraction with gravity and met the ground.
"Hey, where’s Catherine? How’d she get out of this torture?" asked Dorothy. Everyone began to think. Suddenly, they heard an explosion outside. They ran from their dessert.
"MWAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" Little Cathy was pointing a rather sizable laser bazooka over her shoulder. About fifty feet in front of them was the Gundam Epyon. "YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!"
"YOU’LL NEVER TAKE HER ALIVE, BECAUSE SHE IS A HOT, SEXY GENIUS AND MEN HAVE ORGASMS EVERYTIME SHE RECITES EINSTEIN’S THEORY OF RELATIVITY!"
Yoshou looked down at his pants. "Well, that explains it…"
"…"
"I am Lieutenant Lucrezia Noin of the Colony Police Force, and I’m here to apprehend you, Kitten!"
"YOU DON’T STAND A CHANCE AGAINST ME!" Little Cathy continued to fire blast after blast from her giant gun at the Gundam Epyon, which managed to dodge each one.
The Gundam Epyon rushed towards Little Cathy, who devised a plan. "Tenchi! Come here!"
Tenchi waddled over to Little Cathy. "What is it, Little Cathy?"
"What that is?" shouted Little Cathy as she pointed at the sky. Tenchi turned towards it. Little Cathy suddenly swung the big freaking gun at Tenchi, knocking him up into the air.
The Gundam Epyon stopped as a young boy suddenly went flying into its face. Tenchi looked into the Gundam’s eyes and could see a confused Lt. Noin staring back at him. "Oh…hello…heheh…"
"Thanks, Tenchi! Your sacrifice is commendable," said Little Cathy as she pointed the big daddy blaster at the Epyon.
"HEY, WAIT A SECOND!" yelled Relena and Dorothy.
"FIRE!" yelled Little Cathy as the giant laser beam went flying at Tenchi and the Gundam Epyon.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" cried Tenchi and Lt. Noin.
"Who wants breakfast?" asked Sally.
"Not me…" replied everyone else, still thinking about last night’s course.
"Oh well…more for me…" said Sally. She took a big bite out of her pancake and then spit out a broken tooth.
"Uh…Miss Noin?" asked Tenchi. "Would you like some milk?"
"Oh, no thank you, Tenchi…" said Lt. Noin.
"You’d better have some, Lucrezia," said Sally. "Your doctor said you need more vitamins because of your grossly premature menopause…"
"SALLY!" cried Lucrezia.
"Uh…you guys are welcome to stay as long as you like…" said Yoshou.
"Grandfather, I’m not going to conceive children by all these women just so you can have great-grandchildren…" said Tenchi.
"Who said I’m keeping all these chicks here for you?" asked Yoshou.
"…"
"The rest of you can have the old geezer, but Tenchi is mine," said Dorothy.
"What? Dorothy, I told you to stay away from Tenchi! He and I are destined to be married!" cried Relena.
"In your wet dreams, Relena…" said Dorothy. The two of them began to growl some more.
"Yeesh, I’d rather have a bunch of space aliens staying at my house…" said Tenchi.
THE END