It was a regular Tuesday morning. I was sitting in my office, playing Solitaire on my computer, when Perky Young Intern walked in and told me there was a gentleman here to see me. I told her to tell him I'd be right with him. I just needed to find a Red Two. There were no cards left in the deck, so I decided to just quit the stupid game and go talk to the arsehole.
I asked Perky Young Intern to return to my office and pick me up. In my frustration in playing Solitaire I had forgotten that I had no digits on my hands or feet, and therefore I was rendered completely immobile. She sat me on her head like I was some kind of Pikachu or something, and carried me into the main office of our law firm, Davis, Cody, and Davis & Co. I asked Perky Young Intern to straighten my tie since I couldn't do so myself, what with my Powerpuff Girl hands and all. I looked up at the stranger who had come before me. He was about seven feet tall, seven times my height. He wore a cologne whose fragrance I could not place.
I was later informed that it was just water.
He wore an Armani suit, and a fedora that covered his bald, antennae-equipped head. I knew it was going to be tough defending this guy for any charge right off the bat. Not only did he talk in a deep voice and have a body the size of a Metalgarurumon, he was drinking something that someone shouldn't drink at 10:00 in the morning, out of a flask.
I was later informed that it was just water.
"This guy really loves his water," I thought, as I looked him up and down. It was then that I noticed something about him that made me realize just how difficult this case was going to be. No matter what I did, he was sure to lose. After all...
...He was green...
DIGIMON: DIGITAL MONSTERS
THE PICCOLO PRACTICE
By: L. Curtis Totty
"Demi McVeemott," I said, as I extended my fingerless hands. I made sure everyone else in my firm saw this, as they were sitting at the conference table, watching, so I wanted to look as lawyery in front of them as I could. Perky Young Intern took special care to keep close eyes on my actions, as she was the young and impressionable one, and the only one besides My Baby's Mother-Out-Of-Wedlock Lawyer Girlfriend who liked to cuddle with me after hours.
"Piccolo Daimao," said the green stranger, as he ki blasted Perky Young Intern into the next room.
"What can I do for you?" I asked.
"I need a lawyer," he said. "And a Giant Laser."
"I'm afraid we're all out of Giant Lasers," I said, apologetically. "However, we do have pie."
"What kind of pie?" he asked.
"Plead-Guilty Pie," I replied.
"No way!" he shouted. "There's no way I'm pleading guilty!"
"Damn it," I cursed. I decided then that I should probably listen to what this guy was being charged with and get all the details.
He told me that he was being charged with kidnapping. I asked him who he had supposedly kidnapped, and he replied "Chandra Levy." He was not joking.
"I'm telling you, she came to my house voluntarily," said Mr. Daimao. "She said something about wanting to get back at her boyfriend. His name was Gary or Ash or something."
"Was this Gary or Ash guy a Pokemon Trainer?" asked Black Woman Lawyer.
"Nope, a Congressman," replied Mr. Daimao. Bald Black Lawyer put his shiny head in his hands.
"Wait a minute, are you talking about Congressman Gary Condit?" asked Fat Pregnant Lawyer.
"That's right," affirmed Mr. Daimao. "At first, he was accused of the kidnapping. But after they found her in my house making berets and handbags for me as slave labor, they figured it was me.
"Why was she making berets and handbags?" asked Perky Young Intern.
"I usually make my own clothes using my special psionic powers, but I needed some help getting the berets look right, and mistook her for Monica Lewinsky," said Mr. Daimao. "In, uh...more ways than one," he continued, sheepishly.
"Are you being charged with enforcing slave labor as well?" asked My Baby's Mother-Out-Of-Wedlock Lawyer Girlfriend.
"Yes," he replied, nodding.
"What does she have to say about all this?" I asked.
"She told me that she didn't want anything to happen to Congressman Condit, and she didn't want to look stupid because she was staying at my place with her eyes and ears shut, making berets and handbags as a favor to me, not looking at television or reading the newspaper," said Mr. Daimao.
"So she didn't know that all this time there was big huge coverage about her and Congressman Condit's affair/kidnapping accusations on the news?" asked Bald Black Lawyer.
"Nah. We don't get cable in The Room of Spirit and Time," said Mr. Daimao.
"Why the Hyperbolic Time Chamber?" I asked, in an attempt to show my co-workers that I watched the dubbed version of Dragonball Z, and also that I had a larger vocabulary than the rest of them. I'm so cool.
"I needed to get a huge shipment of berets to France right away or they'd have my legs on a platter," he said. Badumching.
"How do we know we can believe your story?" asked Black Woman Lawyer. Just then, Fat Male Lawyer jumped up.
"HE'S A RENEGADE, I TELL YA!" cried the Fat Male Lawyer, and then sat back down.
"Never mind all that," I said. "I'll take your case."
"Demi, do you really believe this guy's story?" asked Ally McBeal, from seemingly out of nowhere.
"I don't need to believe it. I just need to get him off," I said.
"I don't know if we can trust this guy," said Bald Black Lawyer. "I mean he's green! You need to be careful, Demi..."
"I need a second lawyer to help me out," I said.
"OOH OOH OOH! PICK ME! PICK ME!" cried all the other lawyers.
I picked the Perky Young Intern, and everyone, especially My Baby's Mother-Out-Of-Wedlock Lawyer Girlfriend, shouted in protest.
"BUT SHE'S A RENEGADE!" yelled Fat Male Lawyer.
"She doesn't have any experience!" cried My Baby's Mother-Out-Of-Wedlock Lawyer Girlfriend. God, I'm tired.
"She needs experience. Besides, she scratches me behind my V-Ears the way I like," I said.
"But I thought only I could scratch your V-Ears like that," said My Baby's Mother-Out-Of-Wedlock Lawyer Girlfriend.
"Damn it, woman! This is a trial, not a popularity contest! You're becoming a real pain in the ass, My Baby's Mother-Out-Of-Wedlock Lawyer Girlfriend!" I shouted. She began to sulk.
"Everyone's a pain in the ass compared to Perky Young Intern. She's easy," said My Baby's Mother-Out-Of-Wedlock Lawyer Girlfriend. God, she talks too much.
"Don't you have another baby to give birth to?" I asked My Baby's Mother-Out-Of-Wedlock Lawyer Girlfriend. If she doesn't shut up I'm going to kill her.
"No, that would be me," said Fat Pregnant Lawyer.
"Oh that's right. How far along are you? Nine months?" asked Perky Young Intern.
"Nine days," she replied.
"Well, no one can tell the difference. Anyways, good luck with your baby," I said.
"Thanks! I'll name it after you!" she said.
Fat Male Lawyer got up. "BUT HE'S A RENEGADE!"
"SIT DOWN!" I yelled. Fat Male Lawyer complied and sighed in shame. My Baby's Mother-Out-Of-Wedlock Lawyer Girlfriend did not respond. And if she doesn't learn to shut her damn yap I'm kicking her ass. "Now then ladies and gentlemen, we have another case to discuss...Someone's been eating my Digivolving Ice Cream..."
"Wasn't me," said the Fat Pregnant Lawyer, with Neapolitan on her face.
"Nevertheless, the police place you as the prime suspect," I said.
"Damn," she said, as she put down her spoon and folded her arms.
"The normal penalty for such a crime is usually being eaten by Wargreymon, but since I don't want the big guy to get indigestion, I'm going to let Bald Black Lawyer and Fat Male Lawyer handle your defense," I asserted.
"Demi, I really don't think that Fat Male Lawyer and I can handle this case," said Bald Black Lawyer.
"YEAH! HE'S A RENEGADE!" yelled Fat Male Lawyer.
"Look, if anything happens you guys can DNA Digivolve into Fat Principal From 'Boston Public.'" I said, passing them the key to their room at the Squeaky Springs Hotel.
"Thanks," said Bald Black Lawyer. Fat Male Lawyer grinned at him. My Baby's Mother-Out-Of-Wedlock Lawyer Girlfriend was staring at the ceiling. Her chatterbox ass will be out on the street very soon.
Unfortunately for me and Perky Young Intern, the District Attorney for this case was one Heero Yuy, who was notorious for his moving opening and closing arguments. Mr. Daimao was in big trouble. However, I planned to use every trick I had to ensure victory.
"Here come da judge," said Perky Young Intern. She thought that was funny, apparently. But it wasn't. It was not funny at all because out came Anne Robinson, the Hostess of "The Weakest Link." This was not going to be good.
"Piccolo Daimao v. The State of Odaiba," said the Bailiff.
The time came for opening arguments. I rose and started doing that thing where my mouth moves and words come out. "My client is not guilty your honor. We intend to prove that Chandra Levy was not kidnapped, that she stayed with the defendant voluntarily, and made berets and handbags for him as a favor."
Heero Yuy rose. "What is war?" he asked, and sat down. I wanted to curl up and die right then and there. The gallery murmured so damn loud. I looked around to make sure My Baby's Mother-Out-Of-Wedlock Lawyer Girlfriend wasn't here, but she was. My Baby's Mother-Out-Of-Wedlock Lawyer Girlfriend did not respond to Heero Yuy's speech at all. I swear I'm going to punch her lights out if she doesn't shut the hell up.
"Who here is several pieces of evidence short of a full briefcase?" asked Judge Weakest Link Lady. That remarked yielded no laughter from the gallery. She decided to try again. "Um...Who here is a couple of walnuts short of a full sack?" The gallery laughed uproariously. "Heheheh...Stupid Americans..." I heard her say.
"Don't worry Mr. Piccolo. I've got a surefire method to win this case," I said.
"You got Chandra Levy to admit that it wasn't a kidnapping, and to testify in court?" asked Mr. Daimao.
I frowned, realizing that's what I probably should have done. Stupid stupid stupid stupid. I wondered what My Baby's Mother-Out-Of-Wedlock Lawyer Girlfriend would think knowing that I had done such a stupid thing and I'll rub her face on several pointy rocks if she doesn't keep her mouth shut for once in her life.
I decided that I'd have to stick to the usual formula. I called my first witness.
"Please state your name again for the jury, ma'am," I said.
"Dr. Macky Mack Johnson," she said.
"What is your occupation, Dr. Johnson?" I asked.
"I'm a dermatologist," said Dr. Johnson.
"And in your medical opinion, would you say that Mr. Daimao kidnapped Ms. Levy?" I asked.
"Hmm..." she began.
"Thank you, Dr. Johnson. You may step down," I said.
"But I never answered the question," said Dr. Johnson.
"Yeah, and aren't I suppose to cross-examine the witness?" asked Heero.
"OBJECTION: I WANT MY MOMMY!" I yelled. Perky Young Intern gave me a hug. "All better now." I returned to the witness.
"All right, Dr. Johnson. Finish answering the question," I ordered. That's right. I am a man. I control my women. "Sensitivity" and "understanding" are for sissies. My Baby's Mother-Out-Of-Wedlock Lawyer Girlfriend thinks so, too. This is her: "Yap, yap, yap, yap, dead."
"Well, I was just going to say that I can't make a judgment whether Mr. Daimao kidnapped Ms. Levy," she said.
"Why not?" I asked.
"I'm a dermatologist. All I can judge about him is what his epidermis is like," said Dr. Johnson.
"But doesn't his epidermis somehow correlate to his chances of committing this crime?" I asked.
"No, it does not," she said.
"Exactly! Just because my client is green does not mean he is bad! Your witness!" Perky Young Intern carried me back to my seat.
Heero Yuy walked up to Dr. Johnson and looked at her. "Hi."
Dr. Johnson waved at him.
"Dr. Johnson, in your expert medical opinion, what color is Piccolo's skin?" asked Heero.
"Green," said Dr. Johnson.
"What shade?" asked Heero.
"Mmmm...I'd say a light forest green."
The gallery exploded in shocked murmurs. I began to sweat. I knew for certain that we were going to lose now. I turned to Mr. Daimao. "You didn't tell me you were a light forest green!"
"I, uh...forgot to mention it," said Mr. Daimao, sheepishly.
I growled in frustration, because I was thinking about My Baby's Mother-Out-Of-Wedlock Lawyer Girlfriend, whose larynx I shall soon remove.
This was probably one of the hardest cases of my life. It was time for Heero Yuy to call a witness.
"State your name, please," said Heero Yuy.
"I'm Felix the Cat, and this is my Bag of Tricks!" said the little black cat, sitting in the witness chair.
"Now Mr. Cat-Tricks, you were in charge of the autopsy on Ms. Chandra Levy's still-living body, correct?" asked Heero Yuy.
"That's correct," said Mr. Cat-Tricks. He had the most annoyingly cute voice ever. Even cuter than mine, the bastard.
"What did you find on her body?" asked Heero Yuy.
"I found Kidnapping Residue," said Mr. Cat-Tricks, grinning.
"Who did the Kidnapping Residue belong to?" asked Heero Yuy.
"There's a 99.9% chance that it belonged to Mr. Daimao," said Mr. Cat-Tricks.
"Your witness," said Heero, as he leapt back to his desk.
Perky Young Intern carried me over to Mr. Cat-Tricks, and I eyed him carefully. "Mr. Cat-Tricks, what is the probability that the Kidnapping Residue belonged to Mr. Daimao?"
"99.9%," said Mr. Cat-Tricks.
"So isn't it still possible that the Kidnapping Residue did not belong to Mr. Daimao?"
"Yes. Yes it is," said Mr. Cat-Tricks.
"Do not ever try to be cuter than me again," I said, glaring at him.
"Don't worry about that, sir. You've got cute little anime-eyes!" said Mr. Cat-Tricks.
"REEWEE?!" I said in my cutest possible voice. The gallery was wrapped around my little finger. "SANKYUU! YOU MAY STEP DOOOOWWWN NOOOWWWW!" Perky Young Intern carried me back to my desk.
Mr. Daimao looked worried. "What the hell was that?"
"It's in the bag, Mr. Daimao. They don't have enough proof!" I assured him, as I reclined in my chair. The time had come for me to call my next witness. I decided to let Mr. Daimao testify.
"What's your name again?" I asked.
"Piccolo Daimao," he said.
"Who am I?" I asked.
"You're my lawyer, Demi McVeemott," said Mr. Daimao.
"Mr. Daimao, could you please recount the events that occured the night that Chandra Levy was discovered missing?" I asked.
"Sure," began Mr. Daimao. "I was sitting at home at Kami's Lookout, above Karin Tower, just minding my own business, when Chandra Levy showed up. She told me that she was angry at Congressman Gary Condit because he told her that he couldn't get divorced for her because he was in the public eye, even though no one really gave a crap about him until this whole situation started. At any rate, she came to my place, asking if she could stay there for a few days until he felt sorry and was ready to apologize and get a divorce. I told her it would be okay as long as she helped me with beret and handbag production and gave various sexual favors. Unfortunately, the male genitalia that I wished for from Shenlon would not arrive for another 6-8 years. So I put her in the Room of Spirit and Time for a few minutes, which was several days in Spirit Time. When she came out, she had no handbags or berets, the reason being that she was not Monica Lewinsky, as I had previously assumed. She also had various injuries and tattered clothes, which was weird considering she was all alone inside the Room of Spirit and Time. I figured that I should just continue to use my special powers to make the damn things, and have her bring me lemonade every few hours as rent, instead. She felt bad because I called her incompetent all the time, so she made me a bunch of really bad handbags and berets to try and get me to change my mind. That's pretty much what's been happening for the last few months."
"Thank you, Mr. Daimao. Your witness," I said, as Perky Young Intern grabbed me and kicked me back to my seat. Heero Yuy approached the bench.
"Mr. Daimao, you're a green person aren't you?" asked Heero.
"Yeah, that's right," said Mr. Daimao.
"Don't green people such as yourself usually do bad things?" asked Heero.
"Yeah, I guess so," said Mr. Daimao.
"Mr. Daimao, my pen is missing. Did you steal it?" asked Heero.
Mr. Daimao pulled the pen out of his pocket and handed it back to Heero Yuy.
"Mr. Daimao, wouldn't you say that if you could steal this pen so easily, you could have also stolen a person as well?" asked Heero.
"I wouldn't say that, but someone who isn't green would!" said Mr. Daimao, triumphantly.
"Thank you, Mr. Daimao. You may step down," said Heero.
"YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I MAY STEP DOWN! I DIDN'T KIDNAP THAT WOMAN! I DIDN'T TOUCH HER! AND IF YOU SAY I DID, BY JOVE I'LL KILL YOU!" yelled Mr. Daimao, showing anger to the jury, which was very stupid indeed.
"ORDER! ORDER IN THIS COURT!" yelled Judge Weakest Link Lady, banging her gavel.
"I'll have a turkey sandwich on rye bread, and hold the mayo, it gives me gas," said Perky Young Intern.
"YOU ARE THE WEAKEST LINK! GOODBYE!" yelled Judge Weakest Link Lady. She banged her gavel, causing the floor tile beneath Perky Young Intern to disappear. She plummeted to her doom.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"Crap," I said. I started to rub the back of my head against the leg of my chair, trying to tickle myself behind my ear. "It's just not the same," I groaned in displeasure. Mr. Daimao attempted to tickle me, but his sharp-ass nails merely increased my displeasure level. I knew I should have brought Bald Black Lawyer as my assistant. He could have blinded the jury until they gave up and let my client off.
Oh yeah, and Heero Yuy called another witness.
"I'm Heero Yuy. Who the hell are you?" asked Heero.
"I'm Congressman Gary Condit," he said, sweating.
"Congressman Condit, what was the nature of your relationship with Chandra Levy?" asked Heero.
"Oh, it was sexual," said Condit, sweating.
"How did you feel when you found out that Chandra Levy was missing?" asked Heero.
"I was a little disappointed because I was afraid I wasn't going to get the good stuff anymore," said Condit, still sweating.
"Mr. Condit, what was the nature of the last conversation you had with her?" asked Heero.
"Well, first, I asked her who her Daddy was, she said it was me..."
"Um...the conversation before that one," said Heero.
"Oh! She said she wanted me to divorce my wife and marry her or else she was going to tell the press about our relationship," said Condit.
"And what did you do then?" asked Heero.
"I ran to my room and started to cry. Wanting to shut my whiny mouth up, she came in and had sex with me," said Condit.
"What did she do after that?" asked Heero.
"She told me that she felt that her performance was good enough for me to do what she wanted, and when I told her I still wasn't going to do what she said, she ran out crying that she didn't want to speak to me ever again," said Condit.
"Sounds like she was pretty serious about what she wanted from you. Did her tone of voice sound serious to you?" asked Heero.
"Yes, it did," said Condit.
"Chandra Levy seems like a mature woman. Do you think she's mature?" asked Heero.
"Oh, she's X-Rated," said Condit.
"Do you think that a mature woman would resort to something as childish as voluntarily cutting off all communication with you, or 'running away from home' like the defendant claims she did until she got what she wanted?" asked Heero.
"No, I don't," said Condit.
"Your witness," said Heero, as he walked away. I immediately jumped on the floor and attempted to crawl towards the witness stand. I hate not having fingers or toes. I'm a freaking Digital Monster and I don't have digits! What the hell is that?
Congressman Condit picked me up and sat me in front of him. "Thank you," I said. "Mr. Condit, you love your wife, don't you?"
"Um...of course I do!" replied Condit.
Suddenly, a strange beeping noise was heard.
"Um...Since you love your wife, Chandra Levy didn't really mean that much to you, did she?" I asked.
"Um...Nope! No, she didn't!" said Condit.
There was that weird beeping noise again.
"So, uh...So you wouldn't just divorce your wife for sex with Ms. Levy, would you?" I asked.
"No, I would not," said Condit.
Enter the beeping noise, once again.
"Mr. Condit, was the incident you described to the District Attorney the only incident of its kind, or has Chandra Levy tried to use sex to get what she wanted before?" I asked.
"Yes, she has," said Condit.
"Was it always the same matter of divorcing your wife?" I asked.
"Well, yes..." said Condit.
"So let me see if I have this straight. You got to have sex with her, which satisfied what you wanted from her. But she wanted a committed relationship, which you refused to give her. Is that right?" I asked.
"Yeah...that's right..." said Condit.
"Seems to me that you wouldn't listen to her. I think that 'running away from home' was the only alternative left for an 'X-Rated' woman such as Ms. Levy to get you to listen to her. Does that still sound immature to you, Mr. Condit?" I asked.
"No," he said. "But if she had done a threesome with me and her sister like I wanted I might have considered it!"
There was that beeping noise again.
"Mr. Condit, do you care to explain what that beeping noise is?" I asked.
"...The Metropolitan Police of the District of Columbia shoved a polygraph test up my ass to make sure I behaved," he said. There was no beep that time.
"You may step down, Mr. Condit," I said. "Oh, and could you take me back to my desk, please? I think I injured my arm on a penny on the way over here."
Congressman Condit complied, and walked rather funny on the way to my desk.
"Do you have any more witnesses, Mr. McVeemott?" asked Judge Weakest Link Lady.
"Yes," I replied. "In classic comic fashion, I'd like to call myself to the stand and ask myself questions! Gimme a boost, Piccolo!" Piccolo threw me back to the witness stand.
"State your name and Digimon type, please."
"Demi McVeemott. I'm a Demiveemon!"
"Who's the hottest Demiveemon around?"
"You are!"
"Damn right..."
"Objection, Your Honor. This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard," said Heero.
"OBJECTION: YOU SUCK!" I yelled.
"Objection: You're an idiot," said Heero.
"OBJECTION: UGLINESS!" I shouted.
"Objection: Retardation," said Heero.
"OBJECTION: A MORON WHO ALWAYS TALKS IN THE SAME FREAKING TONE BECAUSE HE EATS HIS OWN CRAP AND THINKS HE'S GOD'S GIFT TO FLAT-CHESTED BLONDE WOMEN!"
"Objection: Immaturity," "roared" Heero.
"COUNSEL! CHAMBERS!" yelled Judge Weakest Link Lady.
Judge Weakest Link Lady paced back and forth on top of her desk, trying to think of what to do with us. She suddenly looked at me. "What are you again?"
"I'm a Digimon," I replied.
"Yeah, Digimon actually stands for 'Digital Monster,'" said a Random ESPN SportsCenter SportsCaster, holding an empty plate.
"Digimon are a completely different set from Pokemon," said a Random Boxer, who took a pair of Pop Tarts out of the Judge's toaster and put them on the Random ESPN SportsCenter SportsCaster's plate. That Random ESPN SportsCenter SportsCenter SportsCaster SportsCenter SportsCaster SportsCenter SportsCaster hiccup is even more of a loudmouth than My Baby's Mother-Out-Of-Wedlock Lawyer Girlfriend. They both shall be thrown into the harbor like yesterday's tea.
"Um...Okay...Whatever..." began Judge Weakest Link Lady. "Look, I'm not going to have you two yelling back and forth like that...It's a pain on me ears. Now you two get back out there for Closing Statements...Oh! And take your Perky Young Intern with you! She's filling my Alternate Weakest Link Dimension with cookies!" She reached into her drawer to pull out my young assistant, who prompty offered everyone macaroons. I slapped her silly and we all returned to the Courtroom, the haunting screams out countless other Weakest Links yearning for freedom in our ears.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury," I began. "What you people want to do is send Piccolo Daimao to jail for a crime he did not commit. Chandra Levy was not kidnapped by Piccolo Daimao. She went to his home of her own accord. The problem you people have is the thought of a green person living in harmony with a white person! We must break down the color/antennae barriers once and for all! Yeah sure, maybe Chandra Levy did say that Piccolo Daimao kidnapped her, but there is still...what's the words?"
"Reasonable doubt..." echoed the jury, saying my favorite catchphrase.
"Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I'll be sitting down now," Piccolo lowered me from my Baby Simba-like position and waltzed his monkey-ass back to the desk. Now, all I had to worry about was Heero Yuy and his incredible knack for closing.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I had a speech prepared on this sheet of paper, but I forgot to write it down, so I'll be reading from a blank composition notebook," began Heero Yuy, as he thumbed through the book until he reached a page that didn't read "Mr. Relena Peacecraft" all over it. "Oh, and by the by; for the following speech my name will be Amuro Ray..."
I moaned in horror. Whenever Heero Yuy assumes the identity of another Gundam Pilot for one of his speeches, you know you're in for a doozy. He once gave a speech as Rick Hunter from Super Dimensional Fortress Macross that got a four-year-old girl convicted of stealing the Earth's supply of oxygen.
"Do you think we'll win?" asked Piccolo.
"Would a winner be drinking his sorrows away?" I asked, taking another swig.
Piccolo sighed and started to bang his head against the table.
"Look at the bright side, guys! I went to the Weakest Link Dimension and came back with all these neat souvenirs!" said Perky Young Intern, as she showed off her T-shirt, which read "I'm With The Weakest Link -------à ." We glared at her angrily, as well as her constantly-jabbering shirt.
The Bailiff walked in and informed us that the jury had reached a verdict. We walked out and returned to our seats in the Courtroom. We watched as the Bailiff gave Judge Weakest Link Lady the little sheet of paper that had the verdict on it. She had bad eyes, so she held it up to the light so she could read the word "Guilty" on it. I swallowed hard.
"Has the jury reached a verdict?" asked Judge Weakest Link Lady.
"Chaaaaaa...We, like, totally just gave you the sheet of paper that says so on it, or some junk," said the Forewoman, twirling her hair.
"Bitch, you are so lucky we're not on my show right now," said Judge Weakest Link Lady. "Anyway, what say you?"
"Okay, so on, like, the count of like, kidnapping or whatever, we, the jury, find, like, the defendant Piccolo Daimao totally...Wait, hold on, I have a phone call."
Can you say "fall over anime style"?
"Hello? ... HEY, JASON! ... Nuthin'... I'm just doin' this jury duty thing... No, I swear I'm not cheating on you this time! Here, I'll put you on the phone with the Judge!" Judge Weakest Link Lady picked up the phone and smashed it with her gavel. Everyone cheered.
The Forewoman glared at Judge Weakest Link Lady. "Fine. The Piccolo dude is Not Guilty, all right? He's Not Guilty of enforcing slave labor either. Jeez..." She sat down and sulked. Poor thing. She could use some of the Demivee-Loving. Suddenly, Piccolo and the Gallery started to cheer, which for some reason prompted Piccolo to cry and hug me.
Ah great, and now here comes My Baby's Mother-Out-Of-Wedlock Lawyer Girlfriend to hug me with her non-stop talking ass.
"Demithatwassogreatyou'rejustthegreatestlawyereveryouknowandyou'resosexywhenyouget
uptothewitnessstandwithyourhotselfandyoualwaysknowjustwhattodoifthatweremeIsowould
havelostthatcaseIdunnowhyIjustgetsonervouswhenwehavecasesandusuallyIjustthinkaboutus
makingloveandthatusuallymakesmefeelawholelotbetterandIjustknowthatwhenyouandIget
marriedwe'regoingtobethebestmomandpoplawyerteamyouevereverevereversawandwe'll
keeponbeinglawyerstogetherforeverandeverandeverandeverandeverandeverandever..."
said MBMOOWLG. Thank God, she finally shut the hell up.
"the practice"