World War XXXVI
By: L. Curtis Totty
It was one of the worst battles this country had ever seen. I feared for my life every second of it. Words cannot begin to express the immense dread that coursed through my veins. My name is Meredith Lancaster, and this is the story of the bloodiest and ghastliest war ever to be fought. It happened in the year 2002. It was the battle between the Washington Redskins and the Tennessee Titans. It all started when my husband Ryan brought his big screen TV home to our quaint apartment in Washington, DC. I remember the way he entered well. He knocked on the door. "Meredith!" he shouted, "A little help?" I sighed and walked to the front door of our apartment. I opened the door for him, and was nearly mowed down by the tremendous TV that he wheeled into my living room.
"And just what is that?" I asked.
"It’s the Oh the Humanity 5000," he said. "It’s Japanese!" he added, winking at me.
"How much of our money did you spend on this monster?" I asked.
"It was a steal! I only had to cash in our Social Security to get it," he answered. "In a few hours, the guys will be over for my little Super Bowl get-together…THEN THOSE TENNESSEE TITANS WILL FINALLY FEEL THE WRATH OF THE MIGHTY REDSKINS! AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAH!" he roared, his fist in the air.
"Oh joy…" I said. In just a few hours, Ryan’s beer-buddy, Nathaniel Carlson arrived at our apartment, towing behind him a large wheelbarrow.
"Hey, Nate! You got the snacks? The coin toss is in five minutes!" said Ryan.
"Well…I got popcorn, pork rinds, potato chips, pretzels, peanuts, Snickers, Milky Ways, and some cashews for an appetizer, but the real snacks are in the 18-wheel semi I parked out front. Want me to go get them?"
"NO TIME!" shouted Ryan, valiantly, like MacGyver. "We’ll just have to make do…"
My doorbell rang again, and Ryan’s other beer-buddy, Kamal Jackson arrived. He was wearing a Tennessee Titans jersey, while Ryan and Nathan wore those of the Redskins.
"Greetings, Kamal…" said Ryan. "Are you ready to watch your Tennessee player Jevon Kearse get beaten into a bloody pulp?"
"Nah…I’d rather watch Super Bowl XXXVI…" replied Kamal.
"You fool! Your kung fu is not as good as my kung fu!" challenged Nathan, his lips out of sync with his words.
"Do you want to challenge the Tennessee Dojo?" asked Kamal, as he assumed one of his martial arts fighting poses. "HAYAAA!" Suddenly, Ryan informed them that the national anthem was beginning. The three "gentlemen" stood at attention, their hearts in front of their hands, as Britney Spears sang the national anthem.
"How did they let her sing the anthem?" I asked.
"Ever since Christina Aguilera sang it that one time, she’s been dying to exact her vengeance," replied Nathan. The song ended, and the boys sat down on their laz-e-boys.
"Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to keep up with your Redskins," began Kamal. "Is that Robiskie idiot still coach of your team?"
"No, he was uh…mysteriously crushed to death in a, uh…crushing accident," said Ryan. "The fateful deed was said to have been done by two men from DC THAT WEREN’T NATHAN AND I!" He said that last loud part into a megaphone so that everyone would hear and no one would suspect him.
"Ah…so who’s the coach now?" asked Kamal.
"Uh…the owner Dan Snyder…" said Nathan.
"I’m sorry, what was that?" asked Kamal. "Your font size was too small…I couldn’t hear you…"
"I said, Dan Snyder, the owner, is also the coach now…" said Nathan, indignantly.
"That rich fool?" asked Kamal. "Oh, I can’t wait to see this…" I couldn’t wait to see it either, so I leered at the screen to see what they were talking about.
"And now, we bring you FOX Under the Helmet, where we show you what the coach is talking about!" said commentator John Madden, on TV. The camera zeroed in on Dan Snyder, who was speaking with two players.
"Okay…#65 Quarterback Deion Sanders! We’re going to call a nickel play!" said Dan Snyder. "You take this big bag of nickels and bribe the other team into weakening their defensive line! Meanwhile, #95 Defensive Tackle Dan Wilkinson will go in for a homerun!"
"It’s called a touchdown, Coach," said Deion. "And I’m #21, a Cornerback."
"HEY! I’M THE ONE WITH THE MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF DOLLARS! I DECIDE WHETHER IT’S CALLED A TOUCHDOWN OR NOT, AND I SAY IT’S A SLAP-SHOT!" yelled Snyder.
"Slap-shot? Coach, a slap-shot is in hockey," said #20 Running Back Skip Hicks.
"Quiet, #7 Quarterback Randall Cunningham!" ordered Snyder to Skip. "And another thing. As soon as this game is over, I’m renaming this team to the Snyder Soldiers…"
"You guys are so doomed…they should call you the ‘Deadskins,’" said Kamal. Ryan and Nathan simply growled.
Ryan sighed. "Nathan, hand me a beer out of the cooler," he asked.
"Um…there’s no beer and no cooler," said Nathan.
"No beer? No cooler? Oh no! My Super Bowl get-together is ruined!" cried Ryan. I started to explain to him that there was some beer in the fridge, but he wouldn’t listen. "NO TIME!" cried Ryan. "I’ll be right back! I’m going to the store to get some beer!" With that, he was off. Nathan and Kamal continued to watch the game, as well as the exploits of Dan Snyder.
"Hey #94 Defensive Tackle Dana Stubblefield," said Dan Snyder. "Tell the referee to come over here for a second." Stubblefield walked away, and soon returned with a referee.
"What seems to be the problem, Mr. Snyder?" asked the referee.
"SNYDER SOLDIERS! ATTACK!" yelled Dan Snyder. Suddenly, a bunch of Redskins players grabbed the referee and brought him into the stands. Snyder followed, and in the confusion, he wound up walking back onto the field, only wearing the referee’s uniform, laughing sinisterly. Nathan looked a little worried. Suddenly, the ball was snapped to Redskins player #3 Quarterback Jeff George, who just stood there doing nothing as usual. Suddenly, #90 Defensive End Jevon Kearse sacked Jeff.
"THAT’S RIGHT, JEVON! WHOO-HOO!" yelled Kamal. However, Dan Snyder, in his referee uniform, suddenly tossed the yellow flag onto the turf, and began to call absurd and irrelevant fouls.
"HOLDING! ENCROACHMENT! TRAVELING! SAFE!" he cried, flailing about his limbs. It was at this moment that my husband, Ryan, crashed in through the window, breathless, carrying two six-packs of Budweiser in his hands.
"WHAZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!" he cried.
"WHAZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!" answered Nathan and Kamal.
"Isn’t it time you put that stupid cultural phenomenon to rest?" I asked.
"Did I miss anything?" asked Ryan. Kamal answered in the negative. "Referee" Dan Snyder told Kearse to get off of George, and George handed him the ball. Dan Snyder approached the audience and told them his call.
"Goaltending, Tennessee…Ball will be placed on whatever yard-line is in that little area with the word ‘Redskins’ painted on it…195th down, a touchdown, six points for Washington," said Snyder, as he handed the ball to Titans player #9 Quarterback Steve McNair. He told him to run the ball in for a touchdown, which he did. Snyder then put two more points on the Washington Redskins’ scoreboard. "Oh, and one more thing…I’ve decided that its no longer the 1st quarter with 12:24 left on the clock…it’s now the 4th quarter with ten seconds left on the clock. Enjoy!"
"Blast! Why aren’t the other referees stopping him?" asked Kamal.
"So what are you going to do with the large sack of money Snyder gave you?" asked Referee #1.
"I dunno, I suppose I’ll buy a small island in the Pacific," replied Referee #2. "Maybe then the government will stop spying on me trying to get those back taxes I owe." A man in a trenchcoat with sunglasses and a sign pointing to him that read "IRS Auditor" suddenly got up from behind his portable bush and ran away.
"Well, at least we’re winning," said Nathan. "Hey, Ryan, got any corn chips?"
"Corn chips?" asked Ryan. He looked around. "No, I don’t! I have no corn chips!" I tried to tell him that there were some corn chips in the pantry, but he refused to listen.
"NO TIME!" he cried. "We’ll just have to make do!" He ran off to the store again, kicking and screaming.
"Is he on any medication?" asked Kamal. Nathan and I shrugged, and we all continued to watch the Redskins cheat their way to victory.
THE END