I don't know how this whole "I'm Batman" business got about, but it is a tad frustrating. You've probably noticed that the person writing this is not John. Well, it is--but not John Alec Entwistle. I'm John Paul Jones (yes, that John Paul Jones, of Led Zeppelin fame), and I'm filling in for Blackman this week. How did you get this job? is most likely the question now on your minds. So, I'll tell you...

One day in 1973, I was sitting at home when I got a call from the Big Bee Boss on my red telephone (which is JUST a telephone, mind you, NOT the Batphone!) that I normally keep on top of one of my many organs. "Hello?" I asked.

"Buzzzz--'ello, Batman!" the Big Boss buzzed.

"I am NOT Batman!" I replied.

"Buzzzz, yes you are. Listen, Batman, the Bat Signal's gone up over Gotham City and you haven't responded!" the Big Boss carried on.

"I live in London, not Gotham City... and I'm not Batman!" I reiterated.

"You're not?"

"No, I'm a replacement for--"

The Big Boss sighed with relief. "Ah, so I didn't have the wrong number. You're buzz-Batman's replacement, then?"

I shook my head, although I knew that the Big Boss could not see this action over the phone. "No, no--I'm Blackman's replacement. You know... Blackman: John Entwistle."

"Buzzzzz," the Big Boss replied, sounding slightly perplexed. "John Entwistle... who is... BUZZ!!... the REAL Batman. I see. So, you are Batman's replacement?"

I felt so exasperated! No wonder Blackman was always complaining about his leader... "Listen, Mr. Big Bee--Boss, I don't know why you think Blackman is Batman, but he's most assuredly Blackman!"

"Oh, don't buzz-be silly. The 'Blackman' thing is, buzzzzzzzz, a facade put up by buzzz-Blackman to hide that he is, uh, BUZZZZZ!, uh, Batman," the Big Boss answered.

"Wait--he... he is Batman?" Then I stopped and thought. I replied again, "No, he isn't! Call real Batman!"

"Real Batman, also BUZZED as Blackman, is on vacation: 's why I called you, Batman."

"I AM NOT BATMAN!" I ferociously shouted down the telephone line. I wished Goatman were here... but then I didn't, because all he'd do would be to shriek and then ride away on one of his goats. Stupid curly-blonde-haired pillock...

"BUZZZZ!" the Big Boss buzzed indignantly. "If you're not Batman, then how did I get this, buzzzz, number?"

"...how DID you get this number?" I asked, now confused.

"Looked it--BUZZZ--up."

"It's unlisted!"

"Look, Batman, all I--buzz--know is that you're needed by the people of...buzzzzZZZZZzzz... Gotham City. Buzz-byes!"

He hung up on me! How terribly rude! Still, I was glad to be rid of the annoyance. Poor Blackman! thought I, Having to put up with that every day!

Still, without Blackman here, I was a little worried that crime might go un-averted. Ah, well: some criminals, like Leader Pete, were so stupid they practically put THEMSELVES in jail! It was wits like theirs that Hairman (Rog and his Dippidy-Doo... I shake my head when I think of him...) matched perfectly; although I didn't have Blackman's Great Mental Capacity, I certainly was smarter than Leader Pete and Hairman.

I looked out the window, and there loomed the Bat Signal, crying out, it seemed, and my blood stirred.

Without Blackman here to reassure me, I was confused.

...maybe I AM Batman!