Two Minutes Away From Reality

By: Katie Murdock

[We open our story on THE WHO's Magic Bus, which is wrapped around a telephone pole. We also see THE WHO standing around their broken down bus, arguing.]

PETE: Let Keef drive, you said. He never gets to drive the bus, you said. I never should have listened to you John! Especially since Keef was dressed up like Carmen Miranda!
KEITH: That's the Chiquita Banana Lady, I'll have you know! Ay! Ay! Ay!
JOHN: Well, he was doing a fine job until he started throwing bananas out the window! Hey, where's Rog?
PETE: Change the subject, why don't you?! 'E's on the bus, "rescuing" his precious Dippidy-Doo.

[Suddenly, the Magic Bus unexpectedly catches on fire. Luckily, a fire truck and squad car with the number "51" painted on the sides pull up. A woman jumps out of the squad, followed by a man with a Village People-esque moustache.]

WOMAN: I'm Firewoman Kate. Is everyone alright? Is there anyone else on the bus?
KEITH: Let's see. Jun is here, Pete is here, and yours truly, Keith "I'll take anything" Moon. Nope, we're all 'ere.
PETE: But you forgot Rog!
KEITH: Oh yeah, where is that little poodle, anyway? I've got a special  banana for 'im! [laughs evilly]
KATE: So this Rog-guy is on the bus? Fireman Fred, you stay here, I'll get this guy.
FRED: Oh, you get all the fun. [pouts]
JOHN: Who are you?
PETE & KEITH: Who, who, who, who?
FRED: [singing] I'm Fireman Fred, and if they ask, I'm dressed in red, I'm Fireman Fred!
KATE: [carrying ROGER] *cough* Does he belong to you guys?
PETE: Yeah, he's our lead singer.
KATE: Damn.
JOHN: [deep in thought] Hey, isn't Squad 51 run by Roy and Johnny?
KATE: Oh, they were detained. Hmmhahaheehee…

[Cut to: THE SQUAD. We see ROY and JOHNNY bound and gagged with bandages in the back of the truck.]

FRED: [admiring KEITH's outfit] Those are some ga-roovy threads, muchacho!
KEITH: Thanks, mait! I'm the Chiquita Banana Lady! It's product placement day.
FRED: Ooh, ooh! I'm gonna be Juan Valdez, and Kate can be my donkey! C'mon darlin'!
KATE: You said we wouldn't do the coffee whore-man and his pimp donkey anymore! At home you said you wanted to do the butch fireman and his slutty sidekick, Hosegirl!
FRED: Oh shut up and come on!
M: [jumping in] I'm delicious and nutritious! I'm Ovaltine!
PETE: You're a little late, gel. We're past the product placements and have moved on to being disgusted by our rescuers.
M: Shoot. [jumps out]
JOHN: More Ovaltine please! [waggles eyebrows suggestively]
ROGER: [coming around] Where am I? How's me dip?
KEITH: Sorry, Rog, but your Dip spontaneously combusted and set our bus on fire.
ROGER: [looking at the now-smoldering Magic Bus] I guess it wasn't so magic, after all. But… but… MY DIPPIDY-DOO! Ohh… [faints]
JOHN: Hey medic, we have a man down!
KATE: [now dressed as a donkey] OOOH! Looks like he needs mouth-to-mouth! [starts giving ROGER the kiss of life]
ROGER: [awakening again] Hello, love!
DAVY JONES: That's my line!
ROGER: Sorry mait!
DAVY: 'S okay!
KATE: You look okay, but I think I need to take you in to *ahem* make sure your passageways aren't blocked. Start up the engine, Fred!
FRED: That's Juan! Remember, I'm Juan Valdez? ¡Hola! ¿Quieres una taza de café? Pure Columbian!
KATE: Whatever… [to ROGER] Here, you sit in back and play nice with the firemen.
FRED, er, JUAN: Let's go! [howls]
KATE: Can I sound the alarm?
JUAN: Sure, muchacha!

[The siren of the firetruck starts to wail as Squad 51 drives off to RAMPART, or THE PIT OF ULTIMATE DARKNESS. The author isn't sure of which…]

JUAN: [listening to alarm] Catchy tune, eh?
KATE: Yeah, they're playing our song.
PETE: [staring after the squad] Well, it looks like everything is okay.
JOHN: Except our bus is a briquette, our lead singer is gone, and Keef is still dressed like the banana lady.
KEITH: [batting eyes and waving a banana] Who wants a banana?

[PETE screams and tears out some hair]

JOHN: [munching banana] I'm Fireman Fred, and if they ask, I'm dressed in red, I'm Fireman Fred…