IRON CHEF!

Just when you thought the Pokemon craze had reached its saturation point, just when it seemed there couldn’t be a more insane Japanese than Power Rangers, comes a new show that is slowly making it mark on the American consciousness. I speak, naturally, of Iron Chef.

For those of you who haven’t seen it, let me explain. Iron Chef (the only Japanese game show not based on physical humiliation of its contestants) is a quaint melange of Enter the Dragon, Who Wants to be a Millionaire, and low-grade professional wrestling.

Allow me to give you a brief synopsis of the concept of this show. Every week a chef from a famous restaurant is invited by a semi-crazed baron (played by a famous Japanese actor, I am told) to compete in a match of culinary skills. You’d think a normal kitchen would be sufficient for this competition, but noooooo! This ain’t your mama’s Bake-off!

The action takes place in a specially built Kitchen Stadium, where God, Japan and Chairman Kaga (the actor) watch these culinary warriors square off. The catch is, the chefs must concoct four dishes (in Japanese, Chinese, French or Italian cuisine) based on an ingredient which is presented with more pageantry than Miss America.

All the while, a trio of announcers call the action as the chefs and their assistants battle it out to create three dishes in an hour. At the end of the competition the prepared dishes are brought before a panel of judges that include statesmen, athletes, actors and the prerequisite ingenue who usually giggles and makes some very inane remarks about the food.

And what about the special ingredients? They are definitely something to behold. I have seen peaches, sardines, and even live squid presented for consumption by the all-star panel. You haven’t lived until you see sardine ice cream. Yes, sardine ice cream.

Anyway, all of this, while seemingly ridiculous, combines to make an hour of somewhat entertaining TV, and I’m hooked! Emeril? A wimp. Two Fat Ladies? Two wussies is more like it! Julia Child??!? Fuggedaboudit! The Iron Chefs are here and they take no prisoners!

In fact, this show has given me an idea to take more seemingly mundane tasks and transform them into a competition. I’m gonna start a show called "Masters of the Lawn". I’ll buy out an old stadium and transform it into "The Lawn Bowl". I’ll invite guys with lawn mowers to test their skill against my Lawn Masters. I’ll also have patches of weeds the competitors have to take down without destroying the delicately planted flowers scattered throughout.

Imagine pairs of riding lawn mowers competing to cut down a field of grass while trying to score points based on speed, accuracy and technique. I can hear the commentary now:

ANNOUNCER 1: And it appears that Norm Makuch is gaining on the Lawn Master with his Lawn Boy 560. He’s utilizing the very popular "circular cut" method, and it appears to be working to his advantage…

ANNOUNCER 2: Don!

ANNOUNCER 1: Go!

ANNOUNCER 2: I have just learned that the lawn master is switching to a special diamond-tipped cutting blade on his mower. It will take a few moments for his special maintenance crew to switch out the blade, but it should help him regain the lead in the cutting.

I could then come out in my fabulous rhinestone cape and pronounce the winner, based on how good a job they did, and on my own danged opinion. Maybe I could even give out a special souped-up riding mower as a prize for anyone who could defeat one of my Lawn Masters!

On the other hand, maybe I should just go out and cut the grass my own self. It is getting a bit long.

Ó 2000, Clint McGuire