Clintster’s Note: On April 20th, I embarked on a journey to New York City (with my friend Andrea Ottinger and her son Caleb) to see the revival of "Jesus Christ Superstar". This not only marked my first trip ever to the Big Apple, but my first journey north of the Mason-Dixon Line. Now, I’m not exactly a hick, but I’d be lying if I denied that I looked to this trip with more than a little bit of excitement and trepidation. In any case, I thought I’d take along a journal to mark the events of the trip, and I now present it to you, warts and all.

THURSDAY 4/20

5:00pm Set out from my hometown of Aiken SC in my Jeep POS to rendezvous with my friend Andrea. I’m confident that my little malfunctioning automobile can make it to her home in Tennessee.

7:15pm Arrive at the North Carolina welcome center on I-26. Get out to stretch my legs. Feel good about arriving in Church Hill TN by 10pm.

7:30pm Get back in the Jeep. Try to start it up. It doesn’t. Try everything from jiggling the battery cables to shouting at it, but nothing works.

8:30pm Call 911 and ask for a highway patrolman to come and help me. Maybe he can help figure out the problem.

9:00pm Call Andrea and ask her to come pick me up. Call my Dad and tell him my situation. He promises to come fix it (he lives in Georgia).

10:00pm Bored with waiting, I break out my camera and take some time exposure shots of my Jeep, me, and the traffic that comes through.

10:30pm The NC state patrolman I had called 911 for two hours earlier finally arrives. He says he can make sure the Jeep doesn’t get towed for two hours, but that’s about it (Gee, thanks!)

11:15pm I start wondering where the hell Andrea is. I get a double espresso from the vending machine.

FRIDAY 4/21

12:15am Andrea finally arrives. I have never been so happy to see a human being in my life.

2:45am Finally arrive at her home in Church Hill. I fall asleep in her bed. She sleeps in her 7-year old son’s room.

10:30am Wake up and get the "where the f--- am I" disorientation of waking up in a strange room for the first time. Turn on the TV and see "Regis & Kathie Lee". My disorientation is replaced by my distinct dread of morning talk shows.

12:00n Andrea, Caleb and I go to lunch at the Dairy Cup, a local eatery. Following up on my confessed hatred of Shania Twain the previous night, Andrea programs the jukebox to play her song "That Don’t Impress Me Much". I soon find myself unable to finish my bacon cheeseburger. Coincidence?

2:30pm After dropping Caleb off with his grandparents, Andy and I go to Walmart to get him stuffing for his Easter basket. She picks up the last Pikachu available in the store, prompting dozens of 6-to-11-year olds to follow us around like a pack of wolves after the last lamb in the flock.

6:30pm With returning movies in hand, we set off in Andy’s mom’s Explorer to pick up one of her friends and then set off for NYC.

6:55pm After Caleb pipes in with "Mom, what about the movies?" we turn around and go back to return the movies to the video store.

8:30pm Arrive in Abingdon VA to pick up Laura Leigh, Andy’s friend.

9:00pm We make a pact to concentrate on stimulating, intellectual conversation on the trip to New York.

10:30pm We are laughing ourselves silly comparing poop stories. Don’t ask.

11:15pm After driving for five hours, Andy surrenders the wheel to me. I buy a super-sized coffee and some Stay Awake gum to help me on the journey.

SATURDAY 4/22

2:15am We cross the border into Pennsylvania, and I stop at the welcome center. When the Explorer cranks up, I offer a silent prayer of thanks.

3:30pm Despite my caffeine-induced high, Andy persuades me to pull into a Super 8 in Carlisle PA to rest for a while. "Only for a couple of hours" she assures me. I can’t sleep, feeling like a kid on Christmas Eve crossed with a crack addict the night before a drug test.

6:00am I try waking Andy up to get back on the road. She persuades me to get some breakfast and let them sleep a little longer. I go to Bob Evans and have some pancakes and bacon. The bacon was great but the pancakes were really dry and tasteless, frankly.

6:45am I return to find them still asleep. I decide to pass the time by watching TV. Turns out this was the morning of the Elian raid/rescue. Lucky me. Every channel is the Elian Network. Oh for the simple, mindless pleasures of Looney Tunes. At this point I’d even watch "Full House" followed by "Saved by the Bell".

8:00am My travel companions wake up, telling me of bizarre dreams they had of government agents bursting in on homes, and angry, irrational people protesting. I only say "It must have been the television."

10:30am On I-78. We start worrying about getting to NYC in time to see the matinee performance of "Jesus Christ Superstar", at 2pm. We decide to look for a subway map when we get to the New Jersey welcome center.

11:00am Crossing into New Jersey. No welcome center. Dammit!

11:50am We drop Laura Leigh off at her boyfriend’s house in Bergenfield. The directions to his house are confusing, but we’re confident we can find our way back Sunday to pick her up.

1:00pm We arrive at our hotel, the Red Roof Inn in Secaucus. While unpacking, I panic because I can’t find our theatre tickets.

1:05pm I find them wedged between the seats. I think "Well, that could have been the worst thing to happen to us."

1:10pm We ask if a bus comes by the motel. The desk clerk says no. We ask for a cab. The clerk calls one and says he’ll be here "in a few minutes".

1:30pm The cab arrives. After getting in and driving a mile, the cabbie informs us it’ll be $50 to go to 43rd St. (our destination). After much haggling in English and Spanish, Andy talks him down to $44.

2:00pm It takes us 20 minutes to get through the Lincoln Tunnel (the reason later). We get to 42nd St, and the cabbie explains (as best he can) that it’ll take 15 minutes to get to the theatre. Since we’re a block from the theatre, we decide to hoof it the rest of the way. I throw $50 to the driver, wish him "Feliz Pascual", and the three of us run as fast as we can to the Ford Center.

2:07pm We get to the Ford Center and take our seats. 30 seconds later, the house lights dim and "Jesus Christ Superstar" begins.

4:15pm The show ends, and we make our way to the subway to travel to the Museum of Modern Art. Our goal: to see "Starry Night" by Vincent van Gogh. After being abused by a clerk in a theatre book store over subway maps, we finally find an entrance and wait for a train.

4:30pm We realize we’re on the wrong train. We get off and wait for a train going in the other (and right) direction.

5:00pm Arrive at MOMA. We find out the museum closes in a half-hour. We find out that "Starry Night" is in storage, and two floors are closed for renovation. Despite this, we press on and tour the museum, seeing many Picassos, Mondrians, Duchamps, and "The Persistance of Memory" by Salvador Dali. This almost makes up for the missed opportunitt with Picasso.

6:30pm After riding on the subway a little more, we end up at the Museum of Natural History. We take a good look at many old fossils and peserved specimens. The dinosaur rooms were pretty spectacular, too. It turns out we are there on the opening weekend for the revamped planetarium, located in the lower levels.

8:00pm Leave the Museum and go to the nearest subway to head for Rockefeller Center. While waiting for the train, we experience one of New York’s characters; a guy who stood on the platform and told one-liners to passersby through clinched teeth. One of his "zingers": "The chief job of a doctor is to stab his patients with a sharp needle." Every alleged joke is puntuated by a truly creepy-sounding "heh-heh-heh". He starts to blurt out a one liner at us involving abortion, but before he can, we hurriedly step onto the next train to stop.

8:30pm Arrive at "the Rock". We emerge from the subway right by Radio City Music Hall. We go to the center and are surprised to see skating in the rink (at this time of year?)

9:15pm We stop at a hot dog cart, and I have my first genuine New York hot dog. The dog is tasty; so tasty, in fact, that I tasted it intermittently for the next three days.

9:30pm Arrive at the Empire State Building, intending to take amazing shots of the skyline from the observation deck. A guard tells us that due to the rain and fog, there is ZERO visibility from the deck. We leave, disappointed.

10:00pm We hail a Yellow cab to return to the hotel. The driver offers to take us for $50 or double fare plus tunnel toll. We take the double fare and pray for less than a $25.00 (normal) fare.

10.20pm Arrive at the Red Roof. Metered fare: $15.00. Final total $34.00. Andrea and I breathe a sigh of relief.

11:00pm Watching the 11:00 news, we learn the confusion at the Lincoln Tunnel was caused by angry Cuband laying down in front of the tunnel in protest. We don’t know who to blame in this instance, but vow that we shall have our revenge, oh yes, we shall have our revenge.

Clint McGuire didn’t realize until he started writing this just how long this friggin’ column would be. Tune in next week to read what happens. Will our little group make it to the Statue of Liberty? What amazing sites will they see in Greenwich Village? Can Clint and Andy make it through this trip without ripping one another a new one? And what about Batman? Will he be able to escape Catwoman’s wily trap before time runs out? Tune in next week: same Clintster time, same Clintster site. For more information, contact Clintster at aeolian@duesouth.net

Ó 2000, Clint McGuire