Clintster’s Note: Lesse, where was I when I was so rudely interrupted by life? Oh, yes. 'Twas the night before Easter and all through the city, Andrea and I were trying to get a cab back to Secaucus. We had seen "Jesus Christ Superstar", we were planning to see the Statue of Liberty, and I was confident we would be able to do most of what we wanted without too much problem. Would we be able to fulfill our wishes? As Frank Sinatra (or was it Liza Minnelli?) so succinctly put it, "It's up to you, New York, New Yo-o-o-o-ork!" Read on, dear ones.

EASTER SUNDAY 4/23

9:25am I awaken to the sound of Caleb hunting for Easter eggs. Andrea had strategically placed them around the room. He seemed happy.

10:30am Caleb finds a particular egg and refuses to show it to his mother. When she excuses herself for a moment, he shows the innards to me. It turns out the Easter Bunny has left him a Britney Spears sticker. Caleb has his first crush, and I was a part of it.

11:30am We set out for the nearby bus stop. I follow the hotel clerk's instructions to the "t". Unfortunately, I take a wrong turn, and being a man, I don't ask for directions. We walk five blocks out of our way before Andrea finally asks someone how to get to the bus stop.

12:10pm The bus finally arrives. We get on and head for the Big Apple.

12:35pm Arrive at the Port Authority bus terminal. We head for the subway to get the 1 train for Greenwich Village.

12:45pm After getting on the 1, we get back off and on the right 1 train for the Village.

12:55pm We arrive in Greenwich Village, right near the site of the "Slurping Loogie" scene in Big Daddy (if you haven't seen it, go. It's not bad for an Adam Sandler flick!). We head out to find something to eat. I'm in the mood for a New York pizza. On the way to a pizzeria, we pass several interesting and colorful shops. Andy averts Caleb's eyes. I see a vinyl nurse's uniform in one shop window, and nearly run into a streetlight while picturing how someone would look in it. Hold on, I just have to linger on that image again...hmmmmm!

1:05pm Arrive at a pizzeria. I give the guy behind the counter my last $5 cash for a pepperoni slice and a Coke. It was $6, but the guy says "Eh, I'll just catch you next time." I thank my lucky stars I decided not to wear my John Rocker Fan Club T-shirt that morning.

2:00pm We arrive at the Dakota Arms apartments, the place where John Lennon lived and ultimately died. We circle the building a couple of times at first, unsure of whether or not we had the right building. The lack of a nameplate or memorial or anything only added to the confusion. Finally, Andy advises me I should speak to a doorman. As I walk up to him, I see the words "Dakota Arms" emblazoned on his hat. I sheepishly say to him "Never mind." and walk away, but not before taking a couple of pictures.

2:30pm We arrive at the Guggenheim Museum. We have been sent here by Dr. John Elliott, world's greatest art history teacher. He has told me of an instillation art exhibit by Grace Paik in the main hall, and has asked me to take photos of it, if I can. Andy and Caleb and I split up to get tickets. When I get to the counter, my credit/debit card will not run. I frantically go out to the nearest phone to find out what had happened. It turns out that when I resceduled our arrival time on our reservation, I did so after their cut-off time. I was charged for the night we should have been there, but weren't.

3:30pm Andy and Caleb come out and she asks me how I liked the museum. I explain to her what has happened. She's disappointed at first, but puts on a brave face and asks me if I want to go to FAO Schwartz. At this point I cry and collapse in her arms. The city has beaten me.

4:15pm After walking around for a while, we hail a cab. Caleb has been given the duty of hailing because a) it's fun for him, and b) he doesn't pose any sort of threat to the average cabbie, his stuffed Pikachu notwithstanding. A cabbie stops and lets us in, and as a reward for Caleb's god-given talent, gives the little guy a bunny-shaped cookie "for Easter".

5:00pm Arrive at St. Patrick's Cathedral, in time for evening Easter mass. Andy and I are blown away by the impressive interior of the cathedral, and I manage to get a couple of shots before a security guard asks the tourists to stop taking flash photography (heh!). I think Cardinal John O'Conner was leading the mass, but I wasn't sure. A couple of weeks later, he was dead. I take no responsibility. On our way out, I push the door a little too hard and it slams against the wall with a resounding "BANG!" I mutter "Sorry" and slink away, convinced that I'd make headlines the next day: "IGNORANT HICK RUINS EASTER!" "SLAMMIN' PSYCHO TERRORIZES CHURCHGOERS", etc.

6:00pm After getting on the wrong train yet again (by the way, I take responsibility for all these wrong turns. Absolutely NONE of them were Andrea's fault.), we arrive at Battery Park. Unfortunately, we've come after the last ferry has left for Liberty Island, so I have to be satisfied with looking at it from across the way. She still looked damn good to me. I also manage to get my photo taken at the ticket office, appropriately named "Castle Clinton"!

6:30pm We return to the Port Authority and get tickets back to Secaucus. As we are boarding the bus, we see a young man help an old lady get her bags on board the bus. He doesn't even pick her pockets or anything! My stereotypes of New Yorkers are all shattered. At this point I would turn to the camera and give the lesson of the show/trip. However, it ain't over yet!

7:10pm We return to the car and get in to go pick up Laura Leigh. I sigh with releif, thinking the worst is over.

8:20pm After making several wrong turns, and several harsh words, we arrive at Laura's boyfriend's house.

9:30pm Finally make it back onto the New Jersey Turnpike. Andrea and Laura talk about their experiences, Barter Theatre, men, and other topics. I sit in the back with Caleb, sullen, silent, and SAD!!

MONDAY 4/24

7:15am Arrive back in Abingdon. Laura Leigh gets out. I am reluctant to get into the front seat with Andy.

8:15pm After dropping Caleb off at school (replete with new "New York" T-shirt), we arrive at the Ottingers'. I climb into Andy's bed; she gets in Caleb's.

1:30pm Wake up. Still feel like complete scum for running out of money, getting us lost in New Jersey, being alive, etc. Andy and I get things packed in her car for the trip back to my car. While packing, we talk about the trip and how we always seem to end up fighting either by the end of a trip or shortly thereafter. I end up writing a check to her for $60 to cover the extra expenses she had to incur on account of my dumb butt.

3:00pm Andy's father arrives with Caleb in tow. Andy says goodbye to him, and we set out for the North Carolina-South Carolina border. On the trip down, we actually laugh, sing, and talk at length on all sorts of subjects. This looks to be the end of the "bad feelings" curse.

6:00pm After taking one more bad turn near Asheville, Andy and I finally make it back to my Jeep. She puts gas in my tank so I can go home, and then we part ways. I start down the road, confident that if I can survive New York, I can survive anything.

6:15pm A mile down the road, the Jeep stops. I curl into a fetal position and curse the powers that be for ever putting me on this earth in the first place.

Epilogue

Actually, after about a minute, I was able to get the Jeep restarted and home without any problem. Looking back, I can honestly say that my first trip to New York was definitely one of the trips I have taken in my lifetime. Hopefully I'll be back someday, and when I am, look out Big Apple! The Clintster's comin' to getcha! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!!

Clint McGuire realizes that this second part should have been done at least two months ago, but cut himj some slack! You waited 16 years for Star Wars Episode 1, didn't ya? Sheesh! Anyway, if you want to rag him about this, write him at aeolian66@hotmail.com

Ó 2000, Clint McGuire