(TOS,K/S,NC-17,1/1,TupperTrek)

Date: Thu, 17 Feb 2000

TupperGol (or How Will I Live Without Him?)

TupperGol

"Daddy, Daddy?" a sweet little voice questioned the teary-eyed man. She climbed up into his lap and gave him a big hug. After a moment his arms wrapped around her, hugging her gently. Shortly she pulled back, pushed his head up with one sticky hand, "Aw wight now?"

He smiled a heart-broken, trying to be a good daddy smile, "Yes, sweetheart. Thanks for the hug." He continued to hold her.

"Where Pock?"

His face fell. "Daddy Spock, honey. He's not here. He went to Vulcan."

"Wif Gwamma?"

He sighed and took a deep breath. "Grandma does live on Vulcan, but your other Daddy isn't with them. He went to a place called Gol."

"Wif Gramfadder?"

"No, all by himself." He hugged her tighter.

"No squeeze, Daddy. It be OK." She smiled up at him and climbed off his lap. She raced across the room, grabbed something, and ran back. She paused in front of him looking quite pleased with herself, as only a two year old can. "All better, Daddy," she said as she gently, reverently placed the sticky piece of butterscotch in his hand, "Canny. Yum."

Kirk looked down at his hand for a moment, "Oh honey, you're so sweet."

"Canny sweet. Me hungwy. Come." She grabbed his other hand and pulled him toward the kitchen.

After a quick dinner of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and juice, a much longer bath, and a story, the little girl was ready for bed.

Kirk held her close as he kissed her cheek. "Night, night, sweetheart."

"Night night, Daddy," she replied, patting his cheek with one soft little hand. "Be awight. Daddy Pock come back soon."

"Oh, honey," Kirk whispered back. "Your other Daddy loves us very much." He sniffled, wiped his nose on his sleeve, then straightened his back. "You'll see. We'll be fine." With that he tucked her into her bed, kissed her forehead, and left her to sleep.

Back in the kitchen, he tidied up the day's accumulated clutter as tears slowly coursed down his cheeks. Next he tossed toys into the toy box in the living room. Looking at the soft, inviting couch, he remembered all the times he and Spock had sat there and snuggled.

And the times when they had done more. And he thought to himself, *How could you have left me and our daughter behind.

Don't we mean anything to you? Don't you need me? I miss you so much. Don't you want to be here, to hold me, to .... And Starfleet. Nogura tried to keep you from going.*

Again he sniffled. Grabbing a tissue, he blew his nose. *No more.

No more crying. It's not worth it.* He tried to make himself stop, but eventually gave up and headed off to take his shower. He felt better once the warm water was streaming down his back and over his shoulders. Then he turned to face the stream and lathered himself, running his hands over his body slowly and carefully, *like Spock used to do. He'll be sorry. He'll miss this.* He took himself in his hand, stroked slowly, became aroused.

He leaned back against the shower wall, enjoying the sensuality. *I can do this myself. It feels good. Mmmm.* But as he approached climax, he thought of Spock, of the warmth of that alien mouth, and he froze. *No, no,* he thought. *Not now, it felt so good. I need this,* he said to the shriveling flesh, *don't shrink. Pretend he's here. I need this; it's been days now.* But nothing would revive his body's interest.

Finally he turned off the water and climbed into his sad, lonely bed.

He pulled Spock's pillow to him and inhaled deeply, imagining that he could still smell Spock. Hugging the softness to him, he began to sob again. His body shook and he cried out, "Spock, I need you.

Spock!"

Suddenly the door burst open and a snugly warm bundle climbed up to join him. She sat next to him for a moment, patting his head.

"Oh, Daddy. Be aw wite. Pock come back. Him wuv us."

Kirk pulled her to him, wrapping his arms around her as she settled her head on his chest. "You're right, honey. He does love us."

"I be your bess girl, Daddy. Me take care wuv you, Go sleep."

"OK, sweetie."

"Me stay wif you." And she did, her warm steady breathing finally lulling her Daddy to sleep.

The next day, he bundled his little bundle of joy off to the sitter and went to work. In his office, he shrugged off his depression, more- or-less, and made Admiral decisions. *Oh, why did I agree to do this? Spock would never have gone to Vulcan if I hadn't become an Admiral. I know he wouldn't have,* the insight hit him. *Maybe that is why he went away. He asked me over and over to take time off to be with him, but Starfleet has kept me too busy. And our little one takes time, too. Oh it's so hard to be a working Dad and still be a good husband. I've not spent enough time with him lately.

He must have thought I didn't love him enough or I didn't want to be with him. If only I was still a Captain, I could have been with him more. He'd have known I loved him and he'd have stayed,* he whined to himself, sighing frequently as he thought.

A few hours later, his reverie was interrupted by Dr. McCoy, followed closely by Kirk's administrative assistant.

"Hey, Jim. What's happening?" McCoy greeted him cheerfully.

"How's the little one doing?"

Kirk grinned, "She's great. Running her Dad ragged."

"As always."

"And growing up so fast," he continued proudly, his chin held high.

Then he turned toward his assistant, "Lieutenant, what can I do for you?"

"Thank you, sir. I need your approval on these requisitions." She passed Kirk a datapadd. He scanned it, gave the requisite approvals, and handed it back.

"Thank you, sir."

"You're welcome, lieutenant," Kirk replied as he maneuvered the young woman out his door and shut it behind her. His back to McCoy, he took a deep breath and plastered a smile on his face.

Then he turned toward his friend.

"What brought you by today?" he asked, his voice quavering, but McCoy apparently didn't notice the difference.

"I wanted to ask if you three would like to come to my place for dinner. Uhura's coming over and Scotty's going to try..." he stopped speaking as he saw Kirk's face fall.

Kirk sat down hard and covered his face with his hands.

"What is it?" No answer. "Jim?"

"He left us," Kirk sobbed. "He went to Gol."

"Who went? Where's Gol?" McCoy didn't get it.

"Spock." Another pause. Another sniff. "There, I said it. Spock is gone."

"Why? When?"

"I think it's because I became an Admiral. He didn't want me to. I told him we'd still get the Enterprise if I was promoted, but he didn't agree. I should have listened to him. I haven't had time to spend with him. He wanted more time alone." Kirk shuddered.

"And then when Nogura told us Decker got the ship, Spock just....went away. Went to Vulcan."

"Vulcan?"

"Yeah. Someplace called Gol. Says he can think there." Kirk's eyes teared up. McCoy handed him a tissue. He wiped his eyes.

"Couldn't he think here?"

"That's what I said. But he said he needed the desert, needed quiet, needed Vulcan. He thought I'd understand. Then he left. He kissed us goodbye, but he left us."

"Nooo, Jim. I can't believe he'd go. Not Spock. You're his life."

"I always thought so, but ..." The dam burst and Kirk began to weep.

McCoy walked over to him, sat down beside him, and put his arms around him. "Shhh. We'll figure it out, Jim. It'll be all right."

"No, it won't. I can't live without Spock." Kirk sobbed against McCoy's shoulder.

"Yes, you can. If you have to. You'll be strong. Just as you always are when you need to be. Now, straighten up. You're an Admiral. If you can stop crying for a little while, I can take you home."

"Oh, yes. I'll try."

So, an hour later Kirk was home, crying on McCoy's shoulder again. Eventually McCoy called Scotty and Uhura who picked up take-out food and a certain little quarter-Vulcan two year old and came over to help out. Later, after a tuckered out child went to bed, the three friends sat around comforting Kirk. "He'll come back." "He does love you." "Aye canna believe he left you behind."

At the last comment, Kirk grabbed an already soggy couch pillow and sobbed all the harder.

"Scotty, shut up!" ordered Uhura. "Len, put him to bed. He needs to sleep."

McCoy gathered Kirk up to comply, "Come, Jim. Bed time."

Kirk stood and leaned on McCoy, still sniffling, "Maybe they have sexy Vulcans at Gol, ones who aren't so busy, ones who never had stretch marks. Maybe he wanted someone else." Sniff. "Maybe I'll get my hair dyed brown and get a curly perm. Maybe he'd like that. Do you think he'd come back if I changed my hair?"

"Jim, hush. It is time for bed."

By the next day, Kirk was all cried out and decided to put his best foot forward. He went to work, he made decisions, he attended meetings, he was a good Admiral. And later, he fixed macaroni and cheese for dinner, instead of peanut butter and jelly. Then he read two bed time stories before snuggling up next to his daughter to sleep.

Days went by, then a week. At night Kirk still cried occasionally, and mostly slept hugging Spock's robe or pillow, but he was calm during the day, taking things well.

Then came the call from Nogura. A vessel was attacking the galaxy; he was needed. He kissed his daughter good-bye after dropping her with her emergency sitter and steered himself to headquarters. Once there he demanded that Nogura allow him, the seasoned veteran, to captain the Enterprise. He almost faltered when he heard that he'd been assigned a Vulcan first officer, not Spock, but it was a crisis, so he bore up well. Taking a short moment in his office to shed a few final tears and to think hard lonely/loving/needy thoughts about Spock, he centered himself.

Then he headed off to the starship.

He was in his element, except for that missing something that should have been Spock. He found solutions, he inspired the crew, and they set off to save the galaxy.

Then the unthinkable happened. The lift doors opened and Spock entered. In his surprise Kirk called out to Spock. And Spock didn't answer. Still, for now the galaxy was the important thing.

He would confront Spock later.

Days later, comforted by Spock's 'simple feeling', Kirk waited for Spock in his quarters. Earlier he had seen Spock, but only with McCoy. They had made Spock promise not to leave again. Kirk was pleased that his friend cared so much for him; that McCoy had helped get Spock to promise to stay. But now it was time to see Spock, really see him for the first time since he went to Gol.

He showered, toweled himself dry and reached for his favorite robe.

A small tear traced down his cheek in remembered sadness, but Kirk knew it was a time for looking forward. He closed his robe, crossed the ends of his sash over each other and pulled tight.

The door chimed.

"Enter."

Spock came in, came up behind him, then stood still.

Kirk leaned back against Spock, pulled his arms around him.

"Why?"

"Jim?"

"Why did you leave me?" Kirk's eyes glistened with unshed tears, "Did you find someone else?"

No answer.

"Why did you come back?"

No answer.

"We missed you. And we needed you so much."

Spock kissed the back of Kirk's curls gently. "That is why I came.

I knew you needed me. I felt your need all the way from Vulcan."

Kirk turned to face him, "From Vulcan?"

"Yes. From Gol. I felt your love and your need from Gol."

Kirk smiled uncertainly, "I thought you wouldn't feel me in Gol."

"It was unexpected. The Masters found it inexplicable. You created quite a stir."

"We created it. Our love."

"Yes, Jim," he agreed, then tilted his head to gently kiss Kirk's slightly parted lips.

"I think I like that, Spock. Surprising the Masters."

"I predicted that you would have that reaction, t'hy'la."

"And the sexy Masters at Gol? Did you...?"

"Jim, you are all I want or need. I want no one but you."

"Oh, Spock." Kirk leaned closer to his mate, "I'm so glad you came back."

"I, too, am pleased to see you."

"Make love to me, Spock. I thought I'd never feel you like this again."

"Ummm," was the only recognizable sound for several minutes as the two lovers kissed and undressed each other. Soon they lay on the bed, Kirk under Spock.

"Oh, yes. Spock!"

"Jim. There. Yes."

Both men kissed, licked, caressed the other to their hearts' content.

But so soon, they needed release.

Kirk wrapped his thighs around Spock's hips, thrust upward.

"Please, Spock. It's been so long."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am prepared for you. I knew I'd need you like this. You know I always need you inside me when ...." Spock's lips stopped the reply. Several searing kisses later, Spock lifted his hips, pulling

his erection from next to Kirk's. He slid it down, behind the taut scrotum, moving slowly. Both men groaned. "Oh."

"Please!" Then Kirk lifted his hips again, pulling with his hands on Spock's hips. Spock slid into him. One inch.

"No! Don't stop."

"Jim, you are so tight."

Kirk whimpered, "Spock, Spock. I need you. Show me how you feel."

And Spock could no longer resist. He pushed forward until fully sheathed. Then, slowly, he moved, in and out, loving his mate.

Lips met and held as hips thrust, until neither could wait. "Spock!" "Jim!" Both shouted as their bodies shivered and heaved, then calmed.

"Oh Spock, you do love me."

"Never doubt it," Spock replied as he settled Kirk's head on his shoulder after he rolled them over. "You are my t'hy'la."

"But you left me," Kirk still sought reassurance. "Promise me," he begged, "you'll never..."

"Yes, Jim. I will promise. I can not bear to hurt you." Spock stroked the human's cool, sweaty back and hip, "I promise I will never go on vacation by myself again."

/End