Trust

[Begin Recording]

Lori Ciani-Kirk

May 5

San Francisco

No, let me start again.

Lori Ciani

May 5

somewhere on a beach

Personal Diary.

Dear Diary. Isn't that how these things are supposed to start?

Feels pretty silly after all these years of Starfleet logs. But I need some way to collect my thoughts, some place to set down these confused ramblings, some way to pull myself together and get over the hurt, and, yes, the anger. And I certainly don't want this to be any part of the official records.

As they say - Start at the beginning.

A year and a half ago. It seems longer. Nogura ordered all of us, his staff, to attend the 'Welcome Home' party for the Enterprise. It wasn't much of a needed order. Everyone at headquarters wanted to attend. The cream of the crop of the Starfleet and Federation brass, the best catering and, of course, the most famous crew and captain in Starfleet.

I remember how young he looked, Captain James T.

Kirk. I'd seen his picture, of course, even holos. But he seemed so much younger, more vigorous, sexier, in person. Of course, I'd heard about that, too. So I simply shook his hand when Nogura introduced us, then moved down the greeting line to Spock, Uhura, Sulu. All the famous names of that crew.

I was so surprised later that evening when he asked me to dance. I had been watching the dancing, after a couple of turns around the floor with various friends, had watched him on the floor with Uhura, then Chapel and a few others I didn't recognize. He was graceful and well-built, strong shoulders, but understated. He seemed to be totally at ease. I had also watched Sulu, who was arguably the better dancer, but lacked something Kirk had. I had watched Cmdr. Scott whirl Uhura around, more joie de vivre than style, but my eyes kept returning to him.

Then he headed toward me. My heart beat quicker. At the time, it seemed strange to me. Plenty of captains, admirals, ambassadors had asked me to dance over the years, but this reaction was rare for me.

Then he held me. Not too tight, but closer than I was used to. We waltzed, an old dance, but perfect for his grace and a chance to hold him and be held. We talked of inconsequential things. So silly those first conversations seem in retrospect, but so crucial at the time. I can't imagine the weather was important to either of us, but we talked about it.

And the food and the music.

A slower tune. I began to head toward the sidelines, but he pulled me back. Gently. It was my choice, but he let me know he wanted to hold me. We swayed together. He held me, close to him, but not pressing against me too closely. In the months since, I have been held by James Kirk and know what that feels like. That evening he was restrained. As the song ended he pressed a gentle kiss to my neck, softly.

Intimate, but not quite a proposition. One of the most erotic moments of my life.

It's strange to look back at that time. It seemed so perfect, then. He was handsome, available, intriguing. He sent me flowers the next day. A simple message attached, 'tomorrow.' I didn't understand the message at the time, but the camellias were beautiful and let me know he was thinking of me. That afternoon, my secretary caught me grinning several times.

The day after the flowers, I attended Jim's swearing-in ceremony. He had requested a simple, quiet event. He became Starfleet's youngest-ever admiral with only his closest friends and the command staff he would join present, perhaps 20 total.

Afterwards, I congratulated him on his promotion to admiral.

He laughed and teased me that he'd only accepted so he'd have enough rank to date me within regulations. When he winked, I laughed back. Then he asked me to dinner.

I shouldn't have accepted. I knew his reputation with the women, I knew he was a decade younger than I - I had been the youngest admiral before him, but still I was older. Captain Kirk had been known, albeit mostly by rumor, to have an eye for sweet young things, usually blond, and busty. I was none of the above, although I certainly had been known to turn a few heads myself. So I told myself the rumors couldn't be true, after all he was asking me out. Besides the rumors that I had slept with Nogura were totally untrue. Why should I, of all people, believe the rumors. So I accepted.

He was all charm that evening. I had a lot of fun. We had dinner, then danced. We talked, of childhood and friends.

When he took me home, he kissed me goodnight. On my forehead. I dreamed of him that night, and not of closed-lipped kisses on my forehead.

It was three weeks before he took me to bed, and I wanted him badly by then. His reputation was accurate. Hah!

Oh, but back then, I thought he was wonderful. So considerate, so gentle when I needed it, but powerful when I wanted that, too. I think I finished falling in love with him that night. I cared about him before, certainly.....yes, I know I did.

But that night he proved to me that he cared for me. So I let myself love him.

It was easy. He was a fascinating man. He had stories of such adventures I could only dream of. I, who had commanded a space station, but never a star ship. He told them to me, always as if to share his life. And he made a bathrobe seem like god's gift to women, or to me. How I loved taking off that robe.

And he could make a trip to the grocery store fun, or taking the flitter in for repairs. All those years in space had left him with a joy for the simple things in life most of us took for granted.

He settled into my world. He said he wanted all that life on Earth could be - a long term partner, someone to share his mind and body with. He told me he'd spent enough years unable to form a relationship, first because of his drive to succeed, then because of his success. He had found it lonely always trying to keep that important emotional distance from his crew. And shore leave liaisons lacked the emotional and intellectual sharing he found with me. He convinced me.

I think I helped him with the transition, through his loss of ship and the daily companionship of those friends. Yes, I know I did. I listened when he talked, took walks with him.

And he was happy. He liked his job at headquarters, felt he could make a difference. I know he hoped to command a ship again someday, and Nogura had essentially promised him the next new Starship to come out of Space Dock. He'd said Admiral Kirk deserved the best.

Yes, Jim enjoyed being where he was and being with me. There were those who thought I seduced him to get him to stay at headquarters. After all I worked directly for Nogura and Nogura wanted him at headquarters. And he had made no secret of how far he would go to get Kirk. But it wasn't that way at all. From our first meeting he seemed fascinated by me, he pursued me and I let him catch me. But, always, he sought me out.

How I loved him, and how he loved me. I believe it, even now.

It took us three months to move in together. Not long, surely. It seemed the right thing to do. We were spending most of our time together anyway. From our first night, we must have made love twice a day, or night. And it only got better when we lived together. That gave us time for breakfast together.

He talked often of his days on the Enterprise. His friendships with Mr. Spock and McCoy. How Scotty cared for the engines. The antics of Sulu at times and his promising career. How Chekov claimed all things Russian. How badly O'Riley sang. And, once, about his relationship with Nyota.

How they had loved for a time, then broken up before the ship returned to Earth. He never told me why, but I knew it was over and they were still friends. So he shared his past with me, as I shared mine with him.

Then he asked me to marry him. I had known he was thinking about it. I had seen him through the window of a jewelry store, in the wedding ring section. That evening, he took me out to dinner, then dancing. Then he took me home and made love to me, oh so tenderly. And afterward, he held me in his arms and proposed.

He wanted an exclusive contract, just the two of us. I wouldn't have accepted him any other way, still it was a bit unusual. But I never wanted to share him and apparently he felt the same way. The galactic playboy had chosen me. I accepted immediately. Of course.

So we were married 10 months ago. His Enterprise friends, our headquarters friends, and our families came to wish us well. It was a short, beautiful ceremony. We pledged our love and our fidelity. Then our friends pledged their support of us. Everyone, save Spock, smiled and drank champagne.

There was a strange look, perhaps of concern, in Uhura's eye for a moment, but it passed, and she joined in the well-wishing.

Thus we were married happily. We rented a larger apartment still near the base and moved into our own place - not his, nor mine. We christened a new bed, just for us. I truly believed we had everything. And then, a few weeks after the wedding, I was sure. He asked me to start a family with him.

At 47 I was perhaps older than average for a new mother, but certainly well within the norm now that humans were routinely living to 130 or 140. And he was certainly in prime shape. I agreed.

There seemed no point to waiting, so we stopped using birth control and continued to love as we had been - often and thoroughly. In less than two months, I was pregnant. Ten days pregnant. The miracles of modern medicine. I wonder how it would have been not to know so soon. He was so proud and so happy. He said our love was growing in me.

Perhaps it would have been better, as I wouldn't have known the agony of loss. I carried our child less than a month, before I miscarried. The doctor said I was fine, it was 'just one of those things.' Some comfort. But Jim was there for me.

Loving me. Caring for me. He helped me through the weeks of sadness. I think the shared grief helped us both. He was gentle with me.

He held me at night for more than a month, until I felt able to love him again. Then he made love to me. And it was as it had always been between us, caring, tender, passionate.

During those weeks of recovery and return to normalcy, I felt our love grow. We had shared adversity and come through it.

I was happy in him. And he in me. No one could have made me doubt.

He was there for me, so loving. And he wanted to try again. Even with the pain he wanted a child with me. He never pushed, but let me know he would welcome a child, or not, as fate decreed. I agreed with him. The doctor said to wait at least a few months to recover physically, a few more to grieve.

And Jim was so sweet, so caring.

Over the months, I often wondered how he felt about the Enterprise up there in orbit, being refit for someone else.

He'd get misty-eyed when the subject came up, but assured me that he knew he was needed at headquarters, that he loved me, wanted to be here. And sometimes, just once in a while now, he would talk of his life aboard ship, the adventure, the friendships, all the new experiences he had had, and the thrill of it all.

On occasion he even talked of Nyota, their relationship.

They were friends now. You could see that when they were together. But there was no spark between them. I didn't worry that that would resume, although I did wonder about that faint sadness or maybe wariness I sensed in Uhura when she saw me with Kirk, as if she wished to tell me something. Yet I was pleased that Jim could care enough to stay friends with former loves. But it told me he was willing to work at relationships.

Little did I know.

So Jim talked, and we enjoyed each other, and he seemed to mourn the loss of his ship and his adventures, but be happy to have moved on. I was so pleased he had moved on with me.

Last week our waiting time was over, three months had passed. We put up the birth control again. It's been wonderful loving him, knowing we might conceive our child. And knowing that, if we did not, we were sufficient unto each other.

Then today I went to see him at his office. I was supposed to be in a meeting all afternoon and into the evening, but the Andorian ambassador had canceled due to illness. So, I decided to surprise Jim. I thought we might take a picnic to the park and hold hands the way he liked to do.

His aide was away from his desk when I arrived, so I approached the door. I heard giggles, feminine giggles, and Jim's laughter, then a moan. The door was locked but he had given me free access, so it opened at my touch. Just an inch or two. But enough. I saw them.

The blond was young, busty, and naked. Just the type he had always been rumored to favor for shore leave. She was on his desk as he ..... My Jim, shirt on the floor, pants around his ankles. The sight. And the sounds. "Mmmm. I've missed this. You feel so good, so new... Yes, there." Then a moment of quiet. A high-pitched laugh, a moan. Then his voice again "Oh. Yeah, surprise me!" Female groan, flesh slapping flesh.

"Now, Admiral." "I need this. Ooohhh."

I ran. Now here I am, walking the beach in a daze talking to a data padd. He always promised to be faithful. And I had trusted him. Monogamy wasn't the rule as it had once been, but he had insisted on the exclusive contract. He had chosen it. I wouldn't have had him otherwise. Maybe he knew that. Maybe that's why he lied. Why he promised. When he must have know he wasn't capable of resisting. Women. I'd always heard he couldn't resist them.

I ignored the rumors. I trusted my feelings, and his promise. I wonder if that's why Uhura never seemed as pleased as the others for me. Was she worried for me? Did he cheat on her?

It's up in a couple of months - our contract, I mean.

Jim is apparently up anytime. Hah, again.

I won't renew. It will be simple. Legally simple.

As for me, maybe it's time for a deep space assignment.

Maybe I'll leave Earth.

Maybe I'll just sit here on the sand. For awhile.

[end recording]