Xander was good at keeping secrets. He never told his friends why he wore the same clothes for a week in third grade, why he never brought any of his supposedly great birthday presents to school, or that he had started locking lips with Cordelia Chase. He knew that people would be upset for him or with him and that either way relationships would change for the worse. Willow's reaction to seeing him kissing Cordelia had only strengthened his belief that it was better to keep things to himself.

So when Angelus turned his attention to him, Xander kept that secret, too. They had all lost something to Angelus - Buffy had lost her boyfriend, Giles had lost Jenny, even Willow had lost her fish - and now it was his turn. He knew that Buffy was going to kill the demon who had always lurked beneath her boyfriend's skin, but Xander didn't see any reason to break her heart even more. He wasn't going to let Angelus hurt her through him.

So he didn't tell them when he was unlucky enough that Angelus caught him walking home just after dusk or getting back from patrol late at night. He didn't tell them about being forced to his knees in dark rooms and dirty alleyways, about his face being pressed into walls and floors, or about the pleasure that Angelus took in describing Angel's private fantasies about Xander while he overpowered him and violated his body however he desired. He didn't tell them about torn flesh, about bright bruises on hips and thighs, or about sobbing so hard when he was alone that he heaved up the contents of his stomach.

They had all lost enough; he didn't need to lose his self-respect, too. If he sacrificed his innocence for the cause, it wasn't like Buffy and Giles had given up less. He did his best to avoid being caught, managed to endure when he was, and kept silent with his friends.

Then, one night, hollow-eyed and raw as he stumbled out of the mansion to get safely home before Angelus woke from his sated slumber, Xander saw something that gave him an extra spark of hope that the demon would soon get what he deserved.

Spike, supposedly crippled, paced around the garden like a lion. Spike, who had tried to kill them all. Spike, who hated Angelus as much as Xander did. Spike, whom Angelus saw as less of a threat than even Xander. Spike, who was muttering about torture and revenge as he stalked around the courtyard. Spike, who was walking and strong and absolutely furious with Angelus.

Xander grinned as he crept away. If Buffy knew that Spike was healthy and able to kill again she would be forced to hunt him down, but Xander was good at keeping secrets.

~end~

Author's note: Yes, I know that "Go Fish" happened in this timeframe, but I'm assuming that Xander was lucky enough to stay away from Angelus during those couple of days, hence the lack of obvious bruising.