JAY: "My next guest, a beautiful and talented actress who, is a real woman by the way, hope there's no confusion, we were talking about that other guy, this is all woman. Currently starring in the Profiler, the show airs every Saturday night right here n NBC. Please welcome Traci Lords! Good to see you."
TRACI: "Hello."
JAY: "Nice to see you again."
TRACI: "Did you miss me?"
JAY: "I did miss you, you haven't been here in a while."
TRACI: "Two years."
JAY: "I guess that's right. Is it that long?"
TRACI: "Yeah. Last time I was here I was, I was doing 'Melrose Place'."
JAY: "Oh wow, that's a long time ago."
TRACI: "Yes, Sidney's room mate. From one psycho to another."
JAY: "Well it's alright. It's work."
TRACI: "It sure is."
JAY: "Speaking of psycho, what is that in your cup there? It looks like coffee but it's not coffee."
TRACI: "Is it a surprise?"
JAY: "Is this a surprise?"
TRACI: "I don't know, is it?"
JAY: "What are you drinking?"
TRACI: "Aw, it's a Yohoo!"
JAY: "Yohoo?"
TRACI: "It's chocolate milk, I already drank six packs in my dressing room."
JAY: "Now why, do you have a thing for chocolate milk?"
TRACI: "Um, whenever I get really nervous."
JAY: "Now why would you be nervous? You've been here before."
TRACI: "I know, but if I'm not nervous I know something's wrong."
JAY: "Really? I mean, I'm not frightening, am I?"
TRACI: "Well, kind of."
JAY: "I am? I mean, do you scare easily, are you the type that is frightened easily?"
TRACI: "I am, it's really strange because I'm doing the Profiler now. And I think it's the scariest show on television."
JAY: "Yeah, that's pretty scary."
TRACI: "And I'm still afraid of the monster under my bed. I mean, and that goes back to being a kid and thinking that if you leave your limps hanging sort of over the edge of the bed, then the monster's gonna creep up and plight you when you're sleeping. And I still feel that way."
JAY: "Have you had - -"
TRACI: "And my mom made me feel really good by saying that, on the show I'm the Jack-Of-All-Trades', the killer's new, sort of counterpart, Jill.
JAY: "Right."
TRACI: "And she said 'Well, think of it like this. You're living with a killer, so chances are, you won't be killed'. Which made me feel a little bit, it's a little bit reassuring."
JAY: "There's an OJ joke there, but I'm not gonna go there. Okay..."
TRACI: "Oh... you didn't go there."
JAY: "I do um... I mean, are you good at defending yourself?"
TRACI: "Yeah, I have, I have this new little weapon."
JAY: "I love this, I love your 'Hello Kitty' purse. This is such a... this is, this is a great girl purse."
TRACI: "What do you mean?"
JAY: "It just looks like... you know, like something you'd hit a messer with on the street, you know, like a guy would say to you something and you'd go bonk and there'd be lead at the bottom."
TRACI: "Exactly."
JAY: "I mean, I just like it, it just looks like... you know, 'Hello Kitty', those toys."
TRACI: "Well look in there, see what's in there."
JAY: "Okay. You know, I never open a woman's purse cos I find things I don't understand, you know? That's why I don't, I don't know what they are, they're that somehow women use to do something, and I don't wanna know about it."
TRACI: "It's not scary, I promise, Jay."
JAY: "No, no, I don't wanna open it, go ahead, because I'll go 'What's this thing?' and I'll look like an idiot."
TRACI: "God... okay. Okay this..."
JAY: "It looks like a lipstick."
TRACI: "It looks like a lipstick to you but..."
JAY: "It looks like a lipstick but it's what?"
TRACI: "It's lethal weapon." (the stick has a little knife instead)
JAY: "Oh, how lovely! Now what is that? Is that for protection or doing circumscision?"
TRACI: "No, um..."
JAY: "What is that? Look at that. You really think, you really think so, alright, I pull up the 'Okay, lady, gimme your Hello Kitty purse' and you pull out this lipstick - -"
TRACI: "No, I say 'Okay, okay, you can have my purse, take my car but can I fix my lipstick first?' and then you..."
JAY: "You really think, now you really think that this would, it's not even long enough, it might, the guy's gonna go 'Ouh! What was that, was that a' - -"
TRACI: "Jay, it's about reassurance!"
JAY: "Now you get, I didn't know where you get, now this is like a, this is like a lethal weapon, this is like carrying a gun."
TRACI: "Actually one of my best friends gave me that. My make-up artist Vince gave me that."
JAY: "Vince gave you this?"
TRACI: " 'Vince, get me this!' And um... I get strange things in the mail, I get strange things from the cast members, I... I mean, playing a psycho on the show. People think they have a lot of leeway there."
JAY: "Yeah, well..."
TRACI: "They automatically assume you're crazy. Which is a problem when - -"
JAY: "Well it's, when they see you trying to put on lipstick, yeah. Do you get a lot of strange things in the mail?"
TRACI: "Yeah. I mean, I get really odd things in the mail."
JAY: "I mean, like what kind of fan mail you get, like from Profiler, do you get, do people like send stuff to the studio?"
TRACI: "Yeah, like weapons, I mean, like little things like this, which can be hard to explain going through customs or that you forget it's there in your jacket pocket and then all of a sudden Hugo's frisking you out back. It's not, it's not a good thing."
JAY: "Well, I know you're single, so what kind of guys, do you get letters from guys who wanna go out with you?"
TRACI: "I... I'm painfully single. It's true, it really is true."
JAY: "I mean, this is gonna be 'I' - -"
TRACI: "No, it's like, this is the classic story. I'm coming home from work, it's like four o'clock in the morning, we shot all night long, and the guy pulls up next to me in the Mercedes and he's got the music on and he's kinda cute or whatever and he sort of goes sideways and gives me the look, and sure enough, uni-brow all the way across. Those are the kind of guys that hit on me!"
JAY: "Is that bad, a big eye brow?"
TRACI: "Well, you wanna go, 'Pardon me, tweezer?' "
JAY: "Oh see, picky, picky, picky."
TRACI: "It's not too much to ask, people!"
JAY: "See that's, see that's - -"
TRACI: "Please!"
JAY: "You see there, that's the difference between men and women. Because if a guy's coming home four o'clock in the morning and looked over, and the woman had three eyes with make-up, 'Sure, let's do it, why not?' You see, you see, that's the difference. Picky, picky, picky. Now, what are you doing for Thanksgiving, are you cooking?"
TRACI: "Yeah."
JAY: "Gonna be carving the pie with you lipstick?"
TRACI: "Yeah, exactly. Exactly."
JAY: "Do you cook?"
TRACI: "I do cook."
JAY: "I don't believe - -"
TRACI: "I mean, I'm Betty Crocker, I swear."
JAY: "Oh come on, that's not, you cook, really?"
TRACI: "Yeah, I really do. Spicy sauces, I mean, it depends on my mood. My sauces are spicier depending on how angry I am. I make a really good red sauce when I'm feeling a little feisty."
JAY: "Really, really?" Well I'll keep that, maybe you can cook something for us some time."
TRACI: "Okay."
JAY: "We'll do cooking with Traci some time. Okay, will be right back with Jamiroquai right after this. Thank you Traci, thanks a lot."
| Traci's bio |