Justin
Disclaimer: This story deals with self-injury. If that bother's you, please hit the delete key. This story also contains reference to spanking a child as discipline. If that's not something you like to read please do not continue.
Chris Larabee had just walked into the outer office when he heard his phone ringing. He quickly unlocked his office door and snatched it up. "Larabee."
"Chris? It me, Rachel."
"Rachel! My god it's good to hear your voice. It's been, what, a year since I last talked to you."
"I know, it's been a long time. Chris..." She hesitated.
Chris heard the sadness and desperation in her voice and knew immediately there was something wrong. "Rachel, what's wrong? Are you all right?"
He heard her crying softly. "I need your help. It's about Justin."
"Justin? What's wrong with Justin?"
"Oh, Chris. I don't know why I called. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have. I mean we haven't spoken in over a year..."
"Rachel!" Chris said grabbing her attention. "I don't care how long it's been. You're my sister, maybe not by blood, but my sister nevertheless. Were family, and family sticks together. Now tell me what's wrong with Justin."
"Well, he's gone. He's been in a lot of trouble lately and I don't know what to do to help him."
"What's happened?"
"Bob. You remember him?"
"Yeah, no good son of a bitch."
"Chris. Please. I know how you feel about him. And you are right. It was stupid of me to marry him. But after Jonathan died I was so lonely..."
"It's okay Rachel. I understand. Please what about Justin?"
"Well, Bob and Justin didn't get a long. They were constantly at each other's throats. After one of their worst fights, Justin lit out. When he came back a few hours later, he told me he's not going to be in the house with Bob. He said from now on he'd only come home when he knew Bob was gone. He took to hanging out on the streets. Got mixed up with a bad crowd."
"I didn't know what to do. I tried to stop him, but I couldn't. I even went so far as to tell him I forbade him to leave. Know what he did? He pushed me down and walked out of the house. Didn't come back for 3 days."
"From then on things only became worse. He and his friends took to shoplifting and vandalizing property. They got into a fight with some other kid...Chris, they put him in the hospital. He's been arrested 10 times in 6 months. Because he's minor, they would give him a slap on the wrist and release him into my custody."
"3 months ago, Bob surprised him at home. They really got into it. Justin yelled "I'm outta here" and stormed out the door. I haven't seen him since. The cops weren't much help...they considered him a runaway. I hired a Private Investigator. He managed to track him to Denver. Lord only knows how he got there. The last thing the PI found out was that Justin was involved with a group called The Coven..."
Chris cut her off. "THE COVEN?"
"Yeah, you heard of them?"
"Rachel, I'm with the ATF, of course I've heard of them. They aren't your typical street gang. You could stand right next to a member and never know it. They don't have any visible markings to show who they are...just a small Celtic tattoo in the small of their back. But they are dangerous. They aren't straight killers, but won't hesitate if you get in their way. They are mostly thieves...and are VERY good at what they do. They could take the wallet out of your pocket and you'd never know. We know, along with the normal theft and breaking and entering they're involved in, they also steal guns and drugs from other gangs, then sell them."
"Drugs? Guns? Chris..."
"Hold on. Let me finish. They are not known drug users. If fact, our sources tell us that most of the kids are real smart...which is why it's so hard to catch them. We've been after them for 1-1/2 years. Every time we get a lead they manage to get away."
"Chris, you have to help me find him. I don't know what to do. I've tried to do right by him, but I'm not the strong person I used to be. God I wish Jonathan was alive. He'd straighten him out."
"I left Bob about a month ago, though I don't think that'd make much difference to Justin now. I'm afraid if I bring him home he'll only runaway again. That's even if I can bring him home. I mean if you catch The Coven, he'll be charged as one of them. Right?" Rachel sighed. "Oh Chris. What should I do? I can't handle much more of this."
Chris had an idea. "Okay, here's what were gonna do. Me and my men will go out and find Justin. That way, if The Coven is caught he wont be involved" Chris said, hoping it would appease his mother's worried heart. "Then I'm gonna take him back to my ranch with me and straighten his ass out." He added angrily.
"I can't let you do that. He's my responsibility..."
Chris was ready for this reaction. "Hold up! You can and will let me do this. I know he is your responsibility, but Justin is like a son to me and I made a promise to Jonathan before he died to watch out for both of you. Now, I may not have been doing that good a job of it over the last year, but that's about to change." Chris said forcefully. He softened his voice. "Please let me help you Rachel. I know you can't deal with much more and I don't want to see you fall back to where you were after Jonathan died. I want to help. Besides, Justin and I used to be real close. Maybe I'll be able to get through to him."
"Okay Chris, if you think that's the best thing to do. I just want Justin back. How long would you keep him?"
"Until he's straightened out. Then he can go back home if he chooses."
"Okay." She said sadly.
"Good. Now, you go and rest. I'll call you once we find Justin." Chris disconnected the call, and headed out the door.
"Boys! Conference Room. Now." Chris said sharply.
Chris looked at the six men sitting around him. He knew that if anyone could find Justin they could.
"Boys, I need your help."
Vin and Ezra looked at each other, the shock evident in their eyes. They have never heard Chris ask for help before. "What do y' need, Cowboy?" Vin asked with concern.
"I need to find a boy." Chris passed the picture he had in his wallet around. "His name is Justin McKenna."
"He's the son of one of my childhood friends. His mother just called and told me he had runaway about 3 months ago. She hired a Private Investigator to find him. The PI found out that Justin is in The Coven."
"The Coven? Damn, how'd that child get involved with them? He's just a baby." Nathan said, looking at the picture. "How old is he?"
"He's thirteen years old." Chris held up his hand to stop the flow of words he knew was coming. "I know, I know. He's too young to be involved with The Coven. I have no idea how he fell in with them, and frankly, right now, I don't even care. All I want to do is find him."
"Don't worry Cowboy, we'll find 'im. You'll be able to return him t' his mama by sundown." Vin said with resolve.
"It ain't his mama were returning him to. He's going back to the ranch with me."
Chris waited until the expected outburst quieted. All eyes turned back to him.
"As I said, his father and I were childhood friends. We grew up next door to each other and were practically brothers. He died 5 years ago from cancer. Before he took his last breath, he made me promise I'd take care of his family for him. Now, I haven't been doing a good job of that lately, and for that I'm sorry."
"His mother remarried. To make a long story short, he didn't get along with his stepfather. They fought a lot. Justin took to the streets and fell in with the wrong crowd. He and his stepfather had a nasty fight. Justin grabbed his stuff and left. His mother, Rachel, hasn't seen him since."
"She is at a loss with what to do with him. He's been arrested 10 times in six months. She said she couldn't deal with it anymore. So, I told her I would take care of him...get him back on the straight and narrow."
"Are you going to be able to do that on your own?" JD asked.
"Hell boy, he's not on his own. He's got all of us to help him," Buck said. All the heads in the room shook in agreement.
A small smile played across Chris's lips. He was sure glad to have such good friends. "Well then, what are we waiting for, lets go find him."
Justin McKenna stood up on the chair looking at the tattoo on his back. His trial period was over and he was now officially part of The Coven. He winced as he ran his hand over it.
"Justin, come on. We've got work to do." One of the other members said.
Vin and Chris had strategically placed themselves to be easy targets for The Coven. They knew they frequented this area and hoped they would come today. Vin's keen eyes picked up movement to his left. "Cowboy, their here" He whispered into the headset.
Just as the boy approached him, they heard someone yell, "It's a trap. Run!" / How in the hell did they figure that out? /Vin thought to himself as he watched the boy turn and run. He gave chase.
Chris was just coming around the corner when he saw the boy running his way. He blocked the path and the boy ran straight into him. Chris grabbed him by the shoulders and stared into his face. The boy stared back in surprise. "Chris? Wha...What are you doing here?" the boy stuttered.
"Finding you Justin. I received a very frantic call from your mother...lets go. You've got a lot of explaining to do." Chris met up with Vin. Vin gave the all-clear signal and everyone headed back to the office.
Justin looked around the spacious office. He saw the pictures of Sarah and Adam on the desk. Man, he missed them. He loved when he could stay the night with Chris. He had so much fun. Then his dad died and his Mom married Bob. All hell broke loose after that. He shook his head to clear the thoughts from his brain. / Mom and Bob practically acknowledged my existence unless they wanted something. They never came looking for me out on the street...I waited, but they never came. They have no idea what I've been through. Well, that's the past. I'm a new person since becoming the youngest member of The Coven. Now, I feel no pain... I feel no emotion... I no longer care. / He continued to repeat the mantra in his head.
Chris came into his office. He saw Justin looking at the pictures on his desk. It appeared he was lost in thought. He watched the myriad of emotions play across his face. They were quickly replaced with a mask of indifference.
"Justin. Sit." Chris said.
Justin looked at Chris. Who was he to tell him what to do? "Fuck You. I ain't stayin here. Just take me home."
Chris glared at the boy. He definitely had his work cut out for him. "I said sit. NOW." Chris said sternly.
Justin flinched. He felt himself wavering under the glare but still kept eye contact. "I told you to fuck off." He said. He opened the door and walked out...directly into Vin.
"Going somewhere?" He said as he steered the boy back into the office. Vin nodded to Chris and left.
"Justin, I wont tell you again. SIT DOWN. NOW!"
Justin sat.
"Now, you are going to sit there and listen to me. If you're smart you wont open your mouth until I'm through." Chris said in a warning voice.
On the outside, Justin showed defiance. Inside was a different story. He'd forgotten how intimidating Chris could be when riled. He was starting to remember now, that's for sure.
"Your mother and I had a very interesting conversation this morning. Seems you've been causing trouble...been arrested, what, 10 times. She is worried about you. As I'm sure you know, she is having a hard time dealing with your behavior. Well son, you're life's about to change." Chris sat on the edge of his desk.
"See, I promised your father I'd take care of you and your mom. I realize now that I have been neglecting that duty for the last year. That's about to change. Your mother has given me temporary guardianship over you. You will not be going back home to her. You are going to be living with me at my ranch."
Justin shot up out of the chair. "The fuck I am! I'm not going anywhere with you."
Chris stood up and moved into Justin's personal space. "Yes you are...and just to let you know, if you try to run, you will not like the consequences once I find you. And I WILL find you. Now, sit back down."
Justin stubbornly refused. Chris glared. / Well let's see if I still have it /.
"Young man" He said in his sternest voice. "I am going to count to three. If you butt is not in that chair, by the time I'm finished with you, you'll wish it were. One...Two...."
Justin wasn't sure what to do. He knew what would happen if Chris got to three. He'd done this before. All he got out of it was a sore backside. Slowly Justin sank back into the chair.
/ Yep...still got it / Chris congratulated himself. "I have a few things to finish up here, then we're going up to the ranch. Do you understand?"
"Fuck off!" Justin said with all the attitude he could muster.
Chris had enough. He pulled Justin out of his seat and swatted his backside. Hard.
Justin looked up in shock. He'd forgotten how hard Chris's hand was.
"I'm sorry, I didn't hear your answer?" Chris prompted.
"Yes, Sir." Justin replied automatically. / Where the hell did that come from? /
"Good." He ushered Justin into the outer office. "Now I'd like you to meet some friends of mine. You will be seeing quite a lot of them during your stay."
Chris made the introductions. Justin was particularly interested in Vin. For some reason he felt a connection to him... like he was a kindred spirit. Chris left Justin with the guys and went back into his office to finish up some paperwork.
"So, young man. I hear you are proficient in the art of thievery." Ezra addressed Justin. "Having acquired this familiarity from your siblings in The Coven."
"That is an accurate assumption. I have also mastered obfuscation, deceitful and unethical activities and pugilism." Justin countered. Ezra was speechless. No one had ever answered him like that, much less a 13-year-old boy.
Everyone started laughing at the expression in Ezra's face. Buck clapped Justin on the back. "Boy, not many people can get the better of Ezra. I'm impressed."
Vin entered Chris's office and shut the door. "How ya holdin up cowboy?"
Chris let out a heavy sigh and looked at Vin. "Okay, under the circumstances. I just got off the phone with AD Travis. He's agreed to give us 2 weeks off to get Justin settled. After that, since we are not working on any active cases, he doesn't have a problem with Justin spending time here until we find some other arrangements." Chris paused and sipped his coffee. Vin heard a small sigh escape from his lips. " This is going to be hard. I can see that now. He's gonna fight me on everything. I'm not gonna be able to be his 'buddy' like before."
"Sucks don't it?" Vin replied. "But what do ya think will happen with Justin if'n you don't take him in? He's hurting Chris..." Vin caught the surprise in Chris eyes. "What, ya didn't see that? The boy needs someone ta give him boundaries and have consequences if he breaks 'em. He's been on his own for way too long."
"It's only been 3 months."
"No it hasn't." Vin stated. He could see he had Chris's attention now. "That boy has probably been on his own since his dad died. I gather from what you told me his mom wasn't very useful after that. She was probably too involved with herself to notice the needs Justin had. My guess is he practically raised himself."
Chris stared at Vin. He noticed the change in Vin's diction. He usually only spoke that way when Nettie was around...though it wasn't by choice. When he spoke like that around him, it meant he was dead serious. "How'd you get so smart?" He asked.
"It takes one to know one. I often wonder where I'd be if Nettie hadn't taken me in. I gave her a pretty tough time. But luckily, she had the strength to remain stern and keep me in line. She also was there when I needed someone to talk to. Chris..." He stared intently into Chris's eyes. "You are Justin's Nettie."
Nettie saw Vin driving his beat up Jeep down her lane and met him at the door. She gave him a big hug and pulled back to look into his face. She could see something was bothering him.
"Looks like you've got something on your mind." She stated with concern.
"Yes, ma'am." Leave it to Nettie to get right to the point.
"Well, come on in. I've just made some coffee."
Vin followed her into the kitchen and sat down heavily. Nettie retrieved two cups of coffee and sat next to him. "So, what's on your mind?"
Vin started to explain to Nettie about Chris taking in Justin and the reasons behind it.
"I don't know Nettie. I really feel for the boy. I bet he's a good kid...just hurting so bad that he's turned that pain into anger."
"Hmmm, sounds like someone else I know." Nettie nudged Vin's arm. "Vin, there's nothing wrong with how you are feeling. He situation is probably bring up some old memories for you, am I correct?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"That's what I thought. Look, if you feel like you need to help this boy, then by all means help him. You are probably the only person he knows that has been in a similar situation and made it out to the other side."
"Yeah, I made it to the other side...but by backside was a little worse for wear." Vin said with a wry smile trying to lighten up the somber mood.
"Well you pushed every limit and boundary I gave you. I was there to reel you back in. That's what Justin needs now. He needs someone he can count on. Someone that's going to be firm and love him at the same time."
Vin gave a little sigh. "I told Chris I would stay out at his place and help him out. The only thing left to figure out is what to do with Justin while were at work, once our 2 weeks vacation is over. Chris doesn't want to sent him to school yet because he knows the boy will just cause trouble and get himself expelled."
Nettie looked at Vin. He saw the gleam in her eye. "Oh no you don't...you just retired last year, you're not going to take on this boy." Vin stated adamantly.
Nettie gripped Vin's chin. "Don't you tell me what I'm going to do or not do, young man. If I want to help this boy, that's what I'm going to do. Now, you tell Chris that I'd be happy to keep Justin during the day and home school him. I still have my Psychology and Teaching degrees and enough clout with the school board that it shouldn't be any problem."
Vin stood up and put his cup in the sink. He leaned on the edge trying to figure out how he could convince Nettie she didn't want to do this. "But Nettie you're supposed to be...OW!" Vin didn't notice Nettie was behind him. "What you hit me for?" Vin asked while rubbing the sting out of his backside.
"What did I just tell you?"
Vin stared at his feet, angry with himself for even bringing up Justin's schooling.
"I asked you a question, young man. Do you need another slap to your backside to help jog your memory?"
"No ma'am. That's not necessary." Nettie may have gotten old, but she could still give quite a firm swat. She glared at him. Vin knew there was no way he was going to win this argument.
"Fine, Nettie. I'll let Chris know." He said resignedly.
"Dinner's on the table." Josiah said to the group. The six men made their way to the table. Justin stayed where he was. "Justin, time to eat." Chris said.
"I'm not hungry."
"Don't matter. We eat together. If you're not hungry you will still sit at the table with us."
Justin glared back. He felt everyone watching him. "Go to hell. I said I wasn't hungry. Leave me the fuck alone." He said and turned away. The men all watched for Chris's reaction. They were not disappointed.
Chris quickly grabbed Justin's arm and turned him around. "That will be enough of that kind of language. You're not on the streets so don't speak like you are. Now, I told you dinner was ready, and I expect you to sit with us whether you're hungry or not."
Justin glared back defiantly. He was tired of being told what to do. He stared directly into Chris's eyes. "Maybe you didn't hear me the first time, so I'll enunciate it clearly. Fuck. You." Justin heard everyone gasp.
Chris could not believe Justin's audacity. He definitely needed an attitude adjustment. "Gentleman, please excuse us." Chris said as he grabbed Justin by the scruff of the neck and pushed him into the den.
SMACK.SMACK.SMACK. The men all looked at each other. "Seems Brother Chris is making use of some divine instruction." Josiah said with a laugh. The other's joined in. A moment later Chris and a slightly less arrogant Justin came back into the dining room.
"Justin, I believe you have something to say." Chris said sternly.
Justin gave Chris a glare that rivaled his own. He was about say something rude, but Vin cut him off.
"I suggest you quit now, less'n you want t' go back in t' den for another discussion."
Justin glanced at Vin. Angrily he turned to the rest of the group. "I apologize for my deplorable behavior. I will endeavor to not permit it to transpire in the future." He said with false sincerity and sat down. Chris looked at the others and shook his head in exasperation.
After dinner, everyone made excuses to leave. They knew Chris and Vin needed time with Justin. They also didn't want to see the fireworks once Justin started defying Chris again.
Chris took Justin upstairs and showed him where his room was. He had put him in Adam's old room so Vin could still have 'his room' as he liked to call it. Hell, with all the time Vin spent here it basically was.
Before bed, Vin and Chris went over the rules they expected Justin to follow:
* You will show respect. That means "Yes Sir, No Sir" and "Yes Ma'am, No Ma'am". You will show respect to anyone in authority.
* You are to do as me, Vin, Buck, Josiah, Nathan, Ezra, JD or Nettie tell you, when your told to do it. No arguments or backtalk will be tolerated.
* All of your chores will be finished before you have any free time.
* No foul language.
* You are to be in school everyday unless one of us say you can stay home.
"Now the last one is suspended until you get settled. It will go into effect once we feel as though you're ready to go to school." Chris added. "In the mean time, Nettie will be home schooling you. Do you understand?"
Justin nodded angrily.
"I didn't hear you."
"YES SIR! I understand completely SIR! " He responded sarcastically.
"That's it." Chris stood up and glared at Justin. " I guess the discussion we had earlier was not enough to adjust your attitude. Let's see if this will." Chris grabbed Justin's arm and took him to his room. Vin had to smile when he heard the unmistakable sound of a hand hitting bare flesh coming from upstairs. "Wondered how long it would take for Chris's patience t' snap" Vin said to the empty room. / Hell, I was ready t' do the same m'self / Vin mused.
"Justin, time t' git up." Vin said as he opened the blinds to let the sunlight in.
"What time is it?"
"7:00 am. Day's a wastin'. You've got chores t' do. Come on."
"Go away." Justin said as he snuggled back down under the covers.
Vin went to the bed, pulled the covers off and swatted Justin's already sore backside.
"OW!" Justin sat up quickly and glared at Vin. "Get up. Get dressed. I want you down stairs in 15 minutes. If I have t' come back up here t' get ya, you'll be eatin' standin' up. Got it?"
"I got it. I got it." He replied irritably.
"Boy, if yer smart you'll drop th' attitude right now. Lessin' you want a repeat of last night." Vin walked out of the room and went down to breakfast.
15 minutes later, Justin dragged himself to into the kitchen. He slumped into a chair and glared angrily at the men who woke him up at this ungodly hour. Chris put a plate of food in front of him. "Eat...and don't tell me you're not hungry. You didn't eat dinner last night so I know you are." Reluctantly, Justin started eating.
After breakfast, Vin and Chris showed Justin what his chores would be.
/ I can't believe they want me to clean out these stalls everyday. Disgusting. Then I gotta start chopping firewood for the winter. Gotta make my bed every morning. Gotta help with the cleaning. Jeesh, I'm like, so not into manual labor...especially when there's easier ways to get things done /.
Chris decided to take Justin to town with him when he went to get supplies. Luckily, the town closest to him was small and Justin would be hard pressed to find trouble.
Justin was excited. This would be the first time he left the ranch since Chris brought him there a week ago. He was looking for some excitement. It was not to be. Chris wouldn't let him out of his sight. Justin was desperate to get away.
"Chris, I gotta go. Where's the bathroom?"
"There isn't one in here. You'll have to wait until I'm finished. Then we'll go over to the restaurant."
"But Chris, I really gotta go." Justin added the 'I've really gotta pee' squeeze and squat for good measure.
"All right. You go over there then come right back. Don't make me have to come look for you."
Justin took off out of the hardware store and made like he was going to the restaurant. Once he was sure he was out of sight, he made a quick detour. He walked into the general store and looked around. It was prime pickings for someone as good at Justin. / Hell, that's why they took me into The Coven...I'm the best they've seen in a while. This was going to be like taking candy from a baby /
He saw a display case full of knives. / That's something I could use. Chris took the one I had when I first got to the ranch. / He made sure no one was watching him and then pocketed 2 of the knives. / Piece of shit town...really should use cameras or metal detectors or something...that wasn't even a challenge /
He walked out if the store directly into the path of Danny Carter and his friends.
"Watch were yer goin'?" Danny said and shoved Justin out of his way.
Justin was spoiling for a fight. That was all he needed. He swept the other boy's feet out from under him, rolled him on to his back and straddled his hips. He did it so quickly, Danny's friends didn't react until it was too late. The punches rained down on Danny, hitting his face and chest. Danny's friends finally regained their senses and were about to pull Justin off but froze.
"Touch me, and I kill him." Justin said dangerously. The boys backed off and stared helplessly at the scene before them.
Justin was sitting on the Danny's chest, knife held at his throat. "You mess with me again and I'll slit your fucking throat. You understand me?" Justin said dangerously. The boy nodded the best he could. Justin slowly ran the blade along Danny's neck, piercing the skin and leaving a line of blood in its wake.
"What in the world are you doin' boy? " Buck said grabbing Justin's knife hand and pulling him off Danny. "You trying to kill him or something?"
"Nope, just give his something to remember me by." Justin replied.
"Something to remember you by? Boy..." Buck's sentence was cut off.
"What's going on?" Chris asked in a deceptively calm voice. Justin looked up and gave Chris a cocky smile. He was about to answer when Buck jumped in.
"Justin here cut Danny's neck to...how did you say it boy... 'Give his something to remember you by'?"
Chris glared at Justin. "Go wait for me in the truck." Justin didn't move. "NOW! And you better be there when I get there."
Justin started for the truck, but stopped and turned to Danny. "You remember what I told you asshole." He gave the boy another shove, then continued on his way.
Chris turned to the boy still lying on the ground. "You okay boy? Need a doctor?"
Danny wiped the blood from his neck and looked up at Chris. "No, it's okay...I'm all right." Chris helped the boy stand. As soon as Danny gained his footing, he and his friends took off running.
Chris shook his head at the resilience of youth turned to Buck. "Good thing you were in town. That could have turned real ugly."
"Yeah, I know. I was actually heading up to your place when I saw your truck. Figured I'd stop. What are you gonna do with Justin?"
"Kill 'em." Chris replied.
"Well, I don't wanna be around when that happens, so why don't I finished getting the things you need while you take care of the boy. 'Bout a hour be good?"
"Yeah, thanks Buck." Chris handed him the list and angrily stalked to the truck.
Vin was just coming out of the barn when he saw Chris's truck pull up. He watched Chris pull Justin out of the cab and drag him towards the barn. / Uh. Oh. / Vin stepped aside as Chris pushed Justin towards the stalls.
"What happened, Cowboy?"
Chris ignored him. He turned to Justin. "Boy, you've just made a very big mistake. Drop your jeans and bend yourself over that gate there." Chris said pointing at the stall gate.
"Fuck you!" Justin yelled back.
"Justin," Chris said in a quiet, steely voice. "If I have to do it you won't sit comfortably for a week. Do it. NOW!"
Justin desperately wanted to disobey, but he'd been through this with Chris when he was younger and knew there was no way he was going to get out it. He slowly dropped his jeans and bent over. He heard Chris remove his belt and get in to position behind him.
"Now. I want you to tell Vin what you've done to get into this position." Chris said.
"Go to hell! You fucking tell him you...OUCH! Shit!" Justin yelped when he felt the first lick.
"Wrong answer. Try again."
Justin hesitated. SMACK. "OW! Damn it! All right, all right. I got into a fight in town." Anger lacing his words.
"And?" Chris prompted.
"And I pulled a knife on the kid. I just cut his neck to leave a little reminder. I wasn't gonna kill'em. Then that asshole Buck pulled me off of him. " SMACK. "OW!"
"That's my friend you're talking about. Now, I distinctly remember taking your knife from you when you got here. Where did you get it?"
"I ain't fucking telling you."
SMACK. "Where. Did. You. Get. It?"
"Fuck!" Justin's backside was on fire. "I took it from the fucking general store, happy?"
SMACK. SMACK. "Does it feel like I'm happy? Where is it?"
Justin remained quiet. SMACK. "The knife, where is it?" Chris demanded.
"OUCH! In my pocket." Vin went over and removed the knife from the jeans pooled around Justin's feet.
"You steal again, you'll think what you're about to get was a brush with a powder puff. Understand me?"
"Yes." Justin's voice shook. He was desperately trying to hold back the tears.
SMACK. "Yes what?"
"OW! Yes Sir."
With that said, Chris lit into the boy. Seven licks later, Chris stopped. Justin laid over the gate sobbing. While Chris was putting his belt back on, Vin helped Justin stand up and adjust his clothing.
Chris pulled Justin into a hug. Justin embraced him for a moment before he realized what he was doing. He quickly pulled himself away from Chris and stared at the floor. "Go on up to your room. You're not to come out until Vin or I tell you. Understand?"
"Yes Sir." Justin capitulated and walked slowly up to the house.
Vin turned to Chris. "Damn cowboy. He coulda killed that boy today."
"Yeah. I know. Hopefully the pain in his backside will be enough if a reminder to not let it happen again." Chris took a sideways glance at Vin.
"Doubt that. He's angry and hurting and doesn't know why. He's gonna keep on getting in t' trouble until he figures it out. I know it took quite a few sessions with Nettie's strap 'fore I figured it out."
"Why am I not surprised?" Chris snorted. "C' mon. Buck'll be here with the supplies soon."
Justin turned on his stereo and laid on his bed trying to calm down. His backside was killing him. The last time he could remember getting a tanning like that was when set the neighbors shed on fire. Boy, his dad was mad. Tears came to Justin's eyes at that thought. / God I really miss him. Why did he have to go away? I needed him then and he left...hell, I need him now. But he's dead and I can't have him. I have Chris and maybe even Vin, but if I let them in, they'll probably leave too. / Justin said to himself.
Chris became his second father after his dad died, and Justin really missed him this past year. He remembered the warmth and love coming through the hug Chris gave him. He wanted to stay in that hug forever. But he was afraid...afraid to feel again. He couldn't stand another person to leave. He swiped the tears from his eyes angrily. / I will not cry. I do not show emotion. I do not feel. / He let his body go numb, trying to get rid of the pain inside. It wasn't working.
The beginning of "Revel In My Loss" by Shadows Fall began to play as he stood up and reached in to his boot. / Thank god Chris didn't find this / He pulled the second knife he stole out of the side. He went to his ankle and noticed the cuts there weren't healed yet, so he moved to his arm, pulled his sleeve up, and ran the knife across the underside of his forearm. / Ahhhh. That feels good. /
Can I prevent this loss and pain to hasten my release
Or am I damned to existence alone
Sear me, let this pain set me free again
With broken promises, never know what life could bring
And the time spent alone sorting through emotions
Is a blessing that I know I cannot repay
With only words I can't express my deep regret
Of time gone by and of feelings I'll never know
***SLICE***
Pain believed but never shared has left me damaged here
My wounds will bleed anew, I am now exposed
Reaching out, reaching in the pain that grips me
Holds me tight in a crushed embrace
Holding out, holding out try to protect from what I fear
Reaching out, reaching in the pain that grips me
Hold me tight in a crushed embrace
Holding out, holding out try to protect from what I fear
Revel in my loss
*** SLICE***
Scar me, let this pain set me free again
With broken promises, never know what this life could bring
And the time spent alone sorting through emotions
Is a blessing I know I cannot repay
Revel in my loss
Reaching out, reaching in the pain that grips me
Holds me tight in a crushed embrace
Holding out, holding out try to protect from what I fear
*** SLICE***
Reaching out, reaching in the pain that grips me
Holds me tight in a crushed embrace
Holding out, holding out try to protect from what I fear
The end draws light with this pressure
Lacerations upon you to free yourself
Pain that grips me
***SLICE***
Justin listened to the last chords of the song and sighed in relief. He looked down and saw 5 bleeding lines standing out in contrast to his pale skin.
Quietly, Justin got up and snuck into the bathroom. He washed out the cuts, then returned to his room. Rummaging through his pack, he found the first aid kit he kept there for just this reason. He put some antibiotic cream on the still bleeding cuts, then covered them with gauze. After pulling down his sleeve, he put the supplies away and laid back down. His mind was clear and he was pain free. He'd be fine now. He fell asleep immediately.
Vin walked into Justin's room to get him for supper. He smiled at how innocent he looked while sleeping. Quietly he went to the bed and shook Justin awake.
"Justin, come on. Time to get up. Supper's ready." Justin stirred, opened his eyes and smiled. "Hey Vin."
"Hey yerself. Come on. Time t' eat."
Justin sat up carefully, mindful of his sore behind. Vin smiled and grabbed the pillow off Justin's bed. Justin gave him a weird look. "It's for yer chair. Figured you wont want t' sit on a hard chair after Chris's 'discussion'."
Justin rolled his eyes and smiled. "Funny, very funny." He said with a laugh and headed down to eat.
Vin watched him go. / That's th' first time I've see th' kid smile. Wonder why th' change in attitude. He was almost acting like a typical 13 year old. / "Vin ya coming?" Justin called from the steps snapping Vin out of his thoughts. "Yeah pard. Let's go."
1 week later:
"Justin, come on. Nettie'll be waitin for us." Vin yelled up the stairs. Chris had to go into the office for a few hours, so Vin was on his own today. He decided to take Justin over to meet Nettie since she would be helping with his schooling.
Justin came down the stairs with a scowl on his face. "Damn it, I'm coming."
"I heard that. Watch yer mouth." Vin said.
"Whatever." Justin replied and headed out the door to the jeep.
Twenty minutes later, they pulled up in front of Nettie's house.
"Now, I'm warnin ya. Behave. Nettie's like a mother t' me an I won't abide any bad behavior. Understand?"
"Yeah."
"What was that?"
"Yes, Sir." Justin replied angrily and got out of the jeep.
Nettie met them at the door. "Vin!" She said as she gave him a big hug. She looked at the boy next to Vin and her breath caught. She took in his shoulder length sandy brown hair and big blue eyes. / My god, he looks just like Vin did as a boy / "Now, who do we have here?" She asked.
"Nettie, this is Justin. He's the boy I told you about."
"Well, Justin, it's good to meet you. Come on in, lunch is almost ready...and I have apple pie for dessert." she said in a singsong voice.
"Nettie, you spoil me." Vin said with an easy smile. He pushed Justin ahead of him and headed into the house.
Vin walked into the kitchen intent on getting a taste of the pie. He had just grabbed a knife and was getting ready to cut into it when he felt a slap on his backside. "OW! Nettie! What did you do that for?"
"Vin Tanner, you stay out of that pie. You can have some after lunch."
"Aw Nettie...OW!" His whine was cut off with another swat. "Quit hitting me."
"You behave yourself and I wont have to. Now go sit down."
Vin sat at the table and winked at Justin. "Nettie just one piece..."
Nettie turned around ready to scold him again when she saw the smile on his face. "Keep it up, son, and you'll get more that those two swats." She said trying to hide her smile. God, she loved that boy.
Justin had been watching from the table. He noticed the change in Vin's speech pattern...how he completed words and didn't use profanity. He also noticed the way they acted together. / Mom stopped acting like that after dad died. Probably didn't care anymore / Justin became angry at this thought.
"Justin, starting on Monday, Nettie will be helping out with your schooling. She was a high school teacher up until she retired last year...so don't think you'll get away with anything." Vin said with a knowing smile.
/ Well, that explains the change in speech / That gave him an idea. "Don't care. Ain't gonna need no more learnin. Already know everythin I need t' survive. So's you can jus back off." He said in a perfect imitation of Vin.
"Justin..." Vin began, but Nettie cut him off.
"Young man, you can just quit it right now. I know you don't normally speak like that so don't even try it." Nettie scolded. She heard Vin stifle a laugh and leveled her gaze at him. "I also know that you were imitating Vin's way of speaking when I'm not around."
Vin's head shot up. "I-I don't know what you're talking about Nettie..."
"Don't try it Vin. You know you can't lie to me. And if you remember, I know just how to deal with lying." Vin knew what she was alluding to and was about to voice his feelings toward the issue when Nettie held up her hand. "I don't care how old you are!" Nettie snapped, her gaze holding Vin's. Vin knew when he was licked and dropped his eyes. Nettie turned back to Justin.
"Now you Justin." Justin cringed. He'd underestimated this feisty old woman. "I've seen your transcripts. I know that you are intelligent and were taking advanced courses up until a year ago when you started skipping class. That won't happen any longer. You will be here on the days your told and you will learn. You have potential child and I'm not going to let you ruin it. Do you understand me?"
Justin tried to think of a smart remark, but it escaped him. He said the only thing that came to his mind. "Yes, ma'am."
"Good. Now that we understand each other, lets eat."
Vin and Nettie were reminiscing about old times throughout lunch. They shared a lot of smiles and small touches between them. The more Justin watched, the surlier his attitude became. By the time they were finished, he'd worked himself into a ball of angry tension just looking for an outlet.
"Well Nettie, we've got to go. Chris just got in some new tack and I told him I'd check it over and put it away for him." He leaned over and brushed Nettie's cheek with a light kiss. Nettie turned to Justin. "Well, it was nice meeting you young man." She said as she put her hand on his shoulder.
"Don't fucking touch me!" He yelled. "I don't like it when people touch me!"
"Justin! Apologize. Now!" Vin was shocked by Justin's outburst. Justin stood there defiantly. Vin was about to step towards him when he felt Nettie's hand restraining him.
"Justin, go wait out in the truck." Nettie said kindly. Justin was taken aback. He'd expected her to be angry. He wasn't sure how to respond so he did as she said.
Nettie turned to Vin. "Son, leave it be."
"But Nettie..."
"Vin, it's okay, it's not his fault. I shouldn't have touched him without checking with him first. I seem to recall another young man who was the same way when I first met him. It took some time, but he learned to accept physical affection." She smiled at Vin and saw the smile returned.
"Granted, if he acts like that towards me again he'll not be so lucky." She added, fire in her eyes.
"He wont, I'll see to that." Vin said resolutely.
Vin got into the truck and headed home. "Justin, what was that all about?"
"Nothing."
"If I r'member right, I told you to behave yourself. Right?"
"Yes, Sir." Justin responded through clenched teeth. His anger was almost becoming a physical being. Problem was, he wasn't entirely sure why he was so mad. That just made him angrier.
"Well then, come Monday, you'll apologize to Nettie and take what ever punishment she decides. Understood?"
"Yes, Sir."
Once at the ranch, Justin hopped out of the truck and ran to his room. Vin had just reached the house when he heard the door slam and Linkin Park start blaring out of his stereo. "Well, so much for a nice relaxing night." He said to the empty room.
Justin slammed his door and turned on the stereo. He popped in Linkin Park and immediately forwarded to the song "Crawling". He let the strains of music flow through him:
Crawling in my skin
Consuming all I feel
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming/Confusing
This lack of self-Control I fear is never ending
Controlling/I can't seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
[Without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced
That there's just too much pressure to take]
I've felt this way before
So insecure
Crawling in my skin
Consuming all I feel
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
Discomfort endlessly had pulled itself upon me
Distracting/Reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how I cant seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
[Without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced
That there's just too much pressure to take]
I've felt this way before
So insecure
Crawling in my skin
Consuming all I feel
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
The song ended and Justin put the player on random. He sat on the bed contemplating the song. He sometimes felt like it was written just for him. It said what his mouth couldn't. At the same time, it made him angry with himself for showing his emotions. He knew how dangerous it was to do that. / I won't show weakness. I won't show fear. / His body was vibrating with angry energy causing a pain that was unbearable.
He pulled the knife out of his boot again. / Just one cut...that's all I need. /
He pulled up his sleeve ready to make the first cut when he saw the injuries already there. / Shit! Now where am I going to do it? / He knew he had to do it somewhere he could hide it. He decided that his stomach would do. /It's October...not like I'm going to be taking my shirt off anytime soon. / He put the knife to his skin and slowly drew the blade across his stomach. / God, that's feels wonderful / He felt the anger start to pour out of him along with the blood. / Just one more cut and I'll be all better / He intended to only make one cut, but he NEEDED this.
***SLICE***
/ Much better. / He cleaned the cuts and covered them with bandages. He was a little worried at how deep one of the cuts were, but figured as long as he kept his eye on it he'd be okay. He stretched out on the bed and fell asleep.
Justin woke up and went down the stairs. He was a little puzzled when he saw all the boys were here, then it dawned on him...its Poker Night... except no one was playing poker. Josiah and Nathan were conversing on the couch; Ezra and Vin were whispering to each other cooking up some plan; JD and Buck were embroiled in a vicious game of "Street Fighter" on the Super Nintendo system they brought with them; and, as usual, Chris was in the kitchen getting the food ready.
JD and Buck had just finished the game when they noticed Justin. "Hey slugger!" Buck yelled.
"Hey guys!"
Vin paused and looked at Justin. He was smiling again. / Man that boy's changes moods quicker than Buck changes women...well, it's better than what he was like earlier. /
"Hey Justin, want to play me? I need someone who will be a challenge." JD said snidely.
"Hey boy, I'm just having a bad day. I'm a little tired after keeping all the lady's hands off me today!" Buck replied as he swiped JD's hat.
"Hey!"
Buck threw it to Justin, who in turn threw it to Vin. They played keep away for the next 5 minutes before JD decided enough was enough. He looked to see who had his hat and saw Justin had just caught it from Chris, who had come out of the kitchen to see what all the commotion was and some how ended up in the game.
Justin saw JD come at him and clutched the hat to his body. After a short wrestling match, JD managed to grab the hat and pulled away triumphantly. He was about to brag about his wrestling skills when he saw the blood on Justin's shirt.
"Justin! You're bleeding!"
Justin looked down. / Shit, Shit, Shit...I forgot to check the cuts before I came down. /
Chris and Vin were at his side in a flash. Vin pushed Justin's shirt up and managed to get a glimpse of the covered wounds before Justin pulled away. / Please, don't let those be what I think they are /
Justin saw the look on Vin's face. He realized Vin knew where these cut came from. "I'm fine, it's nothing." He said quietly. All the attitude and defiance he'd been using as protection disappeared with that statement.
Chris crooked an eyebrow at Vin. Vin nodded, answering Chris's unspoken question. / Shit. /
"Nathan lets take this to the Den." Vin directed. Something in his voice told the others there was a problem so no one voiced their objections.
"Take off your shirt." Vin told Justin. Justin slowly took his shirt off and heard Vin swear. "Nathan'll be looking at that too." Vin said sternly pointing to his arm.
"Let me see your ankles."
Vin looked them over and swore again. He moved so Nathan could take a look. "These are healing well, but I'll clean them up and cover them to be on the safe side." he said.
Nathan removed the bandages on Justin's arm and stomach and sighed. He'd seen this before, but never on a child so young.
"How long?" Vin asked in a tone that demanded an answer. Justin didn't respond.
He grabbed Justin's shoulder and gave him a shake. "How long?" he asked again with more force.
Justin didn't want to answer. He never wanted to talk about what he did to himself. He knew it was wrong, but it was like an addiction, and he couldn't stop. He looked up at Vin, about to tell him to leave him alone when he paused. There was something in the way Vin was looking at him that told him it was okay to tell; that he would help him. / Besides, they probably wont let me out of here until I do /
"Over a year."
"Are there any more?"
"No. These are it." He winced as Nathan began to clean wound on his stomach.
"When?"
"Before I came here, day of the fight and today."
"Give it to me." Vin held out his hand.
"Chris took it."
"I want the other one."
Justin sighed, reached into his boot, and gave the knife to Vin.
Nathan shook his head at the conversation. / It's like listening to Vin and Chris talk to each other / "Well, the cuts to his arm look okay." He said. "I'm a little worried about the ones on his stomach. They're deeper, though I don't think they need stitches. We'll need to keep an eye on them, make sure they stay free of infection." He rebandaged them, then tactfully left the room.
"Justin me and you need to have a talk."
"You okay?" Vin asked.
"Yep."
"You want to talk about it?"
"Nope."
"Fine, I'll talk, you listen."
"Whatever." Justin replied, letting his attitude and defiance start to resurface.
"When I was about your age, I had been living on the streets for 4 years. I did what I had to do to survive. I belonged to this gang, and one day I didn't score enough merchandise, so they beat me up pretty bad...said I needed to earn my keep or they'd kill me."
"I was still going to school...actually I only made it to one class, English. The teacher was real nice to me and would let me do things for her in class in return for food. They day after they beat me, I had gone into my English class to tell the teacher I wouldn't be back. See, I needed to use the time I spent in school stealing. The teacher gently took my chin in her hand, looked over the bruises, and asked me why. To this day, I don't know why I told her. But it was the best thing I'd ever done. The teacher took me in, provided me with the structure, discipline and love I craved, and help me with my schooling."
"Miss Nettie was the teacher. Wasn't she?" Vin nodded and then continued with the story.
"A few months later, I had a run in with my old gang, and was jumped out. They put me in the hospital for 5 days. I still have the scar over their gang marking." Vin lifted the back of his shirt and showed Justin a tattoo of a Celtic Cauldron symbol with two big jagged scars forming an 'x' over it.
Justin looked up in shock. "You were part of The Coven?"
"Yes, I was. It's been around for a long time."
"So what happened after you were in the hospital?" Justin asked with a hint of curiosity in his voice.
"Well, the state wanted to put me back into the system which I had run from 4 years earlier. Nettie wasn't having that. She told the social worker that she had a Bachelors in Psychology along with her teaching degree and that she wasn't letting me leave the hospital without her. Somehow, she and the social worker pulled enough strings to get me into her custody as her foster child."
"I don't think Nettie realized what she was getting herself into. I pushed every boundary she had...and my backside paid the price. I'd been with Nettie for a while when she found out I was cutting myself. She got me in with a counselor friend of hers, and between them, they helped me deal with my past."
"Why did you do it?" Justin suddenly asked.
Vin realized he was referring to the cutting. "It took the pain I was feeling inside and let it bleed out to the outside. I still have the scars from some of my deeper cuts."
"I do it to feel something. I like how the knife feels going through my skin...I don't care about the blood, I just want the pain. Pain makes me feel. " Justin said in a monotone voice. Vin waited for him to say more, but Justin had realized what he just revealed and closed up shop. He wasn't going to talk anymore.
"Listen, " Vin said seriously. "If you need to talk or anything, I'll be there for you. So will Nettie and the other guys if you give them a chance. You are not alone. Understand?"
Justin nodded.
"Why don't you go on up to your room while I talk with the guys...and I don't want you eavesdropping. Understand?"
Justin nodded and headed to his room.
Vin walked slowly towards the kitchen, steeling himself for the discussion he was about to have with the others. It's hard for people to understand something like this. He wasn't sure what the others would say when he told them about it. That would mean he'd have to tell them about his own experiences with it. Chris and Nathan knew, but he never told the others. He took a deep breath...here goes nothing.
As soon as he entered the room Chris was on him like flies to honey. "How's Justin?"
"Don't know."
"What the hell does that mean?" Buck asked irritably. Josiah put a hand on his arm. "Buck...let him talk."
"Mr. Tanner talking? I never thought I'd see the day." Ezra said trying to bring some levity to the room. It worked.
"Hell Ez...then today's your lucky day." Vin replied then turned to Buck. "What I mean is he wouldn't tell me anything. It's not easy to talk to someone when you purposely injure yourself."
"Purposely hurt yourself? Damn it Vin, what the hell are you talking about?" Buck asked, exasperated with the sharpshooter.
"Those cuts you saw on his ankles, arms and stomach were made by Justin. It's called Self Injury."
"Why does he do it?" Ezra inquired solemnly.
"He said he does it to feel...to get whatever he's feeling out...hell, he probably doesn't even know what he's feeling in the first place."
"How do you know that? You said he wouldn't talk to you." Buck was having a hard time accepting that someone would knowingly hurt themselves.
Vin sighed. "Because I know what he's going through." Vin looked around the room and noticed no one had realized what he meant. He was starting to get frustrated. / Maybe this will clear it up for them /
Chris knew what Vin was going to do and gave him an encouraging smile. He watched as Vin unbuttoned his shirt and took it off.
Josiah was the first to react. He walked over to Vin and looked at the scars on his arms and stomach, then turned to the others. "It seems Brother Vin has some personal experiences with this."
"Vin?" Ezra questioned. Vin heard the confusion in Ezra's voice.
"Josiah's right. I didn't get all these scars on the job...some were self inflicted." Vin paused to steady his voice and continued. " I had a lot of problems when Nettie took me in. This was the only way I knew how to deal with them."
"Vin you still don't do it, do you?" JD asked.
Vin wasn't sure how to answer that. "Well, I get some intense urges and sometimes I fall off the horse so to speak, but I get back on and try again."
Chris decided that Vin was in the spotlight long enough. "Okay, now that everyone knows what Justin is going through, how do we help him?"
"Yeah, shouldn't we take him to a counselor or something?" JD asked.
"No. We cant force him into counseling...it wont do any good if he doesn't want to be helped. Believe me, I know first hand." Vin said adamantly. "Look," he continued, "all he needs is someone to listen when he's ready to talk. Eventually, he'll tell us when he wants to get help."
"Vin, if that's what worked for you, we'll give it a try. But if something doesn't break soon, he WILL go to counseling." Chris stated.
"That's all I ask... But I'll tell you now...it's going to be like getting blood from a stone. He threw his walls up as soon as he realized what he'd told me."
"And he's fortified them with steel." Ezra added.
Nettie heard Vin's Jeep pull up the drive. She went to the kitchen to start some coffee and pulled out the pie she'd made earlier. She knew he was on his way...call it mothers intuition...but she knew her boy was hurting. She went to the door and waited.
Vin sat in the Jeep debating whether he should go inside. He didn't want to burden Nettie with all this. After all, he was a grown man who could take care of himself. Then he saw Nettie standing at the doorway. / To hell with being a grown man / Vin got out of the Jeep and walked slowly to the house.
Nettie opened the door for Vin, took his jacket and ushered him to the kitchen. "Go on and sit yourself down. I'll be there in a second."
Nettie hung up Vin's jacket and went into the kitchen. What she saw nearly broke her heart. Vin stood in the middle of the room, twirling a knife around in his hands. Nettie moved to his side and put her hands over his to still the movement. She didn't need to say a word.
Vin felt Nettie put her hands on his. He let her take the knife then felt Nettie's arms go around him. That was all it took...he put his head on her shoulder and cried.
The following Monday, Justin found himself at Nettie's. He was a little nervous. The woman really intimidated him. He never knew what she was thinking, and had a retort for every smart comment he said. He remembered what she told him when he first got there.
"Young man, there isn't anything you can do or say that I haven't already heard or dealt with. So, save yourself some trouble and drop the attitude. You're here to learn, and that's what I aim to do."
He couldn't think of anything to say to that, so he remained quiet. For the rest of the morning, Nettie went over her lesson plans with him and told him the rules. It was nearing lunchtime by the time they were through.
"Well son, I'm starving. How about you?" Nettie asked. Justin's stomach growl in response. "I guess that answers my question." Nettie saw Justin smile and her heart lifted a little since it was the first time he's done that around her.
"Before we eat, though, we need to change your bandages."
Justin's head snapped up. "What bandages?"
"The ones covering the cuts on your stomach, ankles and forearm." She replied matter of factly. She could see that Justin was a little upset over the fact she knew.
Justin didn't want anyone to know what he did to himself. It was bad enough the guys knew...but Nettie? He didn't need the woman worrying over him... hell, he wouldn't even know how to react. Anyway, his mother never cared or worried and he lived this long. "They're fine..."
Nettie didn't let him finish the sentence. She got up, went into the bathroom and grabbed the first aide kit. She pulled Justin out of his chair and stood him before her. "Take your shirt off."
"But..."
"No buts, young man. These cuts need tending to and I am not going to let your stubborn pride or fear get in the way. Now, take off that shirt." Nettie caught the look of panic that ran across his face and softened her voice. "Justin, please let me help you. I know you didn't get much mothering at home, and I'm probably making you a little uncomfortable, but I want to help you. Please let me."
Justin looked up at Nettie in awe. / Shit. She just read my fucking mind. / The look on her face told him she was telling the truth so he did something he hasn't done with any other woman... he trusted her.
Nettie gave herself a mental high five when she saw Justin lift his shirt over his head. "Thank you."
She started with the stomach and worked her way down. She noticed that the stomach cuts were deeper than the rest, but she'd see worse with Vin. After she finished the cleaning, she started covering the wounds. She saw Justin's mouth drop open at how fast and efficient she was. "Had to do this many times with Vin... sort of get good at it after a while." Was all she said.
When she was all through, she left Justin to put his shirt on, and headed back to the bathroom to put the first aide kit away. When she returned, Justin was sitting at the table, shoulders hunched and shaking. Her heart went out to him. Just the act of tending to the boys wounds caused him to lose the tenuous hold he had on his emotions. Without thinking, she went to his side, pulled his head to her breast. She wasn't surprised when he put his arms around her and cried.
After a few minutes, Justin suddenly sat up and started angrily swiping the tears from his eyes. "God, I cant believe I'm crying like a little baby. I'm such a wimp. "
"Justin." Nettie said firmly and grabbed his chin. "Don't ever let me hear you say that again. There isn't anything wrong with crying. Everyone does it...there's no reason to be ashamed. If you don't believe me, ask Vin. He shed enough tears to end a drought...of course not all of them were voluntary." She got the response she was looking for when she heard a soft laugh. "Okay now, lets eat and then get back to work. I've got a lot planned for you."
After lunch, Nettie gave Justin an assignment to write an essay on what he wanted to get out of his time with her. The first time he handed it in, she took one look at it and tore it up. She swatted his rear and sent back to the table to do it again. "Young man, the word 'Nothing', though artistically drawn, is not considered an essay. I suggest you sit yourself down and get to writing or that slap I gave you will be multiplied tenfold."
By the time Chris and Vin came to pick him up, he'd written the essay three times, received 3 swats to his backside and a warning that this behavior would not be tolerated tomorrow. She sent him home with a pile of homework, and light kiss to the head. She noticed he flinched at the physical gesture, but didn't freak out like he did when she touched him before. Nettie congratulated herself on that small victory.
1 month later:
"Chris?"
Chris turned away from the horse he was saddling and looked at Justin. "Yeah Justin?"
"Umm...do you think I could ride with you today? I could help you out with the fencing." He asked nervously.
Chris was surprised. Justin hasn't expressed any interest in riding with him or Vin. Most of the time, he rode off by himself. He smiled. "I'd love for you to come and I could definitely use the help." The smile that lit up Justin's told him he'd made the right decision. "Go on and saddle up. We'll ride when you're ready."
They had been riding for about an hour, and had just started mending a hole in the fence when Justin got up enough nerve to ask the question that had been gnawing at him. "Chris? Can I ask you something?"
"Sure." He replied as he grabbed the canteen and took a long drink.
"What was my mother like before my father died? I cant really remember."
Chris almost choked. "Well, she was beautiful, smart and had a temper that could stop a man cold in his tracks."
"Did she love my father?"
"Very much. She once told me that he was the best thing that had ever happened to her, besides giving birth to you. I remember the day you were born. She held you in her arms and cried. ' He looks so much like Jonathan' she said."
"Is that why she hates me? Because I look like my dad?"
Chris felt a chill run up his spine at the statement. "Justin, she doesn't hate you. Why in the world would you think that?"
"She doesn't care about me. Do you know how many times I waited out on the streets for her to come looking for me? Guess how many times she came? None... Not once did she come searching for me."
Chris didn't know how to respond. He knew that Rachel had a hard time dealing with Jonathan's death, but did she really neglect Justin that much? "I didn't know that." Chris replied honestly.
Justin didn't hear Chris. "Or how many times I got into trouble to get her to pay attention to me? All she did was pick me up from jail, take me home, then go out with Bob."
"Justin..."
"What about the fact that she never wanted me around. The only time I remember her asking me to do anything or go anywhere with her was when SHE needed to look good. As soon as the crowds were gone, I was back to being ignored."
"Why didn't she love me?" Justin voice hitched.
Chris moved to stand next to Justin. "I didn't know things were so bad for you. Why didn't you say anything? I know I haven't really been there for you this past year, but I would do anything for you. You know that, don't you?"
"Yeah, I know...and I understand why you weren't around. I loved Sarah and Adam too. I overheard my mom telling Bob how tore up you were about it. I didn't want to add to your problems. I was afraid you wouldn't want to be around me if you know all the trouble I was causing and why."
"Justin," Chris held Justin's face in his hands and looked him in the eyes. "I love you as if you were my own son, and there isn't anything that's going to change that. You have a problem, you come to me. I'll never turn you away. Do you understand?"
Justin couldn't stop the tears from falling. No one has told him they loved him since his father died. He didn't intent his question to lead to this discussion, but he was sort of glad it did. He now knew where he stood with Chris.
"I understand. And Chris?" He hesitated. "I- I love you too."
Chris pulled Justin into a big bear hug and thanked whatever gods were out there for giving him a second chance.
3 months later:
Chris entered the house to the sound of the phone ringing. He put the groceries down and scooped up the receiver.
"Hello?"
"May I speak with Chris Larabee, please?"
"This is Chris."
"Mr. Larabee, this is Charles Tompkins. I am Rachel Sutton's lawyer. I was instructed to call you should anything happen to Mrs. Sutton."
Rachel's lawyer? Chris felt his stomach drop. "What happened?"
"Mr. and Mrs. Sutton were killed in a car accident two nights ago. Upon reading her will, I was advised to contact you regarding her son Justin. You have temporary custody of Justin, correct?"
"Yes."
"Are you aware Mrs. Sutton has named you the boys legal guardian should something happen to her?"
"Yes I am. She asked me after Justin's father died."
"Good. Then that should make things easy for all of us. I will be sending you the proper documents and information you will need to change the temporary to full legal guardianship. Once that is processed, all of her assets and funds will be transferred to your name. I have also been instructed to establish a trust fund for Justin in a bank of your choosing. Once everything is complete, please forward that information to me a soon as possible. Do you have any questions?"
"No. I understand. Rachel told me about everything she set up and what I needed to do. Please, forward that information to my office. I'll take care of everything."
"I will do that. You have my deepest sympathies. Should you have any questions, please call me at (888) 555-5643."
"Thank you. I'll do that."
Vin walked into the kitchen with the rest of the groceries. He saw the look in Chris's face and knew something was wrong.
"What is it?" he asked.
"Justin's mom was killed in a car accident two days ago."
"Oh shit, Chris."
"Yeah, I know. I just got off the phone with her lawyer. I am now Justin's legal guardian." Chris paused to regain control of his thoughts. "Where's Justin?"
Chris found Justin out in the barn. "Justin?"
"Yeah?" he called back from the tack room.
"Can you come out here for a minute? I need to talk to you."
/ Shit. Now what did I do? / Justin cautiously stepped out of the room and moved to where Chris was standing.
"Justin..." Chris faltered. How in the world was he supposed to tell this child his mother was dead? He took a deep breath and continued. "It's about your mother. Son, your mom was in a car accident two days ago...she was injured pretty badly...she didn't make it."
Justin looked up at Chris. He was shocked that his mother was dead, but he really didn't feel any loss...and that scared him. For Christ's sakes, she was his mother...he should be upset. Instead, he felt nothing. "Oh." He responded.
Chris wasn't ready for that type of response. Crying and screaming he could handle...but this unfeeling, unemotional boy standing in front of him was a whole different story.
"Are you all right?" he asked.
"Yeah. I'm fine." Justin answered. "Look, can I be alone for a while?"
Chris didn't know if that was such a good idea, but he didn't know what else to do. He hoped that if he left the boy alone, maybe he'd come to terms with Rachel's death and show some sort of emotion.
Chris pulled Justin onto a hug. "Okay. Come on into the house when you're ready. Okay?"
Justin returned the hug. "Yes, sir."
Chris was worried. It had been 3 days since Rachel's death, and Justin still didn't show any signs of grief. Both he and Vin had tried to get him to talk, but Justin kept saying he was okay.
Vin walked into the kitchen and touched Chris's back, startling him. "Hey, Vin."
"Where were you cowboy...you looked like you were a million miles away."
"Maybe I was. I'm worried about Justin." Chris angrily dumped his coffee in the sink. "Damn it, Vin. He hasn't shown any kind of reaction since I told him."
"He needs time Chris." Chris didn't look convinced. " Look, if he doesn't come around in the next couple of days, we'll take him to a grief counselor or something. Okay?"
Chris nodded.
"So, have you told him you're his guardian yet?"
"No."
"Damn it Chris, he needs to know what's going to happen to him now that his mother is dead."
"I know. I wanted to tell him earlier, but I wanted to give him some time to adjust to his mother's death. Since it doesn't look like that's going to happen, I figure I'd tell him tonight."
Justin finished his chores and headed out to the corral to visit the horses. He liked doing that...it relaxed him and gave him time to think. And he had a lot to think about. It really bothered him that he didn't feel bad his mother died. He really didn't care. / Maybe I'm better off this way. I mean she didn't want me anyway... / Angrily, Justin threw the apple he had into the corral.
/ What is wrong with me??!! Why don't I feel?? Why should I care if the bitch is dead?? Damn... /
The pain inside was starting to get to unbearable proportions again. He had to release it. But how? He didn't have his knives any more.
Justin saw a piece of wire sticking out of the gate. He walked over, twisted it off, and ran his finger over the tip. / This'll do. / He left the corral and headed up into the barn loft. He knew no one would bother him up there.
He climbed the ladder and sat on a bale of hay in the corner. He took out the piece of wire, pulled his sleeve up and drew the wire across his arm, from wrist to elbow. / That way, if Vin or Chris see it, I can say I cut in on a piece of wire sticking out of the gate, and I wouldn't be lying /It took a few pulls to get the skin to break open, but he didn't care...as long as there was pain.
When he was finished, he slid the piece of wire into a hay bale and took his handkerchief out and wiped the blood away, then wrapped his arm in it. / I'll clean it later on tonight, after Chris and Vin have gone to bed. /
Dinner came and went, and the evening found Vin, Chris and Justin watching the hockey game on TV. Since Vin and Chris were Avalanche fans, they were teasing Justin about how badly his Flyers were playing.
"Hey Justin, maybe we could get Lindros a pacifier or something...look at him. All he did was take a hit and there he is crying like a baby." Vin mocked.
Justin wasn't in the mood for teasing and jumped up off the couch. "Fuck this." He said and started to leave the room. Vin grabbed his arm intending to stop him, but he want prepared for the reaction he got.
"OW. Shit, let go." Justin winced and cradled him arm. Before he knew what was happening, Vin had grabbed his arm again and pushed his sleeve up.
"What's this?"
"It's a cut, what the fuck does it look like? OW!"
Vin swatted his backside firmly. "Watch your mouth and the attitude or we'll be having a little 'talk' in your room. Got me?"
"Yes, sir." Justin said through clenched teeth.
"Good. Now let's try this again. What happened?"
"I cut it on a piece of wire that was sticking up on the gate."
"Uh, huh." Vin replied unbelievingly.
"I did!" Justin said adamantly. "OW! Why'd you hit me again?"
"Because I wont tolerate lying. Now, want to tell me again... how did this happened?"
Justin was getting nervous and glanced over at Chris. The look on Chris's face said he was on his own. Justin gulped audibly and returned his gaze to Vin. "Ummm...I cut it on the gate. OUCH!...I DID! I swear I did!"
"Was it by accident?"
Vin was giving Justin a look that would have frozen water in hell. He caved. "No, sir." He said quietly.
"What was that?"
"I said no. It wasn't an accident."
Vin looked at Chris and sighed. "Why, Justin?"
"I ain't gotta tell you that!" He yelled back. His anger at himself causing him to lash out.
"Actually, you do. Tell me. NOW!"
Justin snapped. "YOU WANT TO KNOW??!! YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW??!! I'LL TELL YOU! I HATE MYSELF...IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR?? YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY, HUH?? DO YOU? I DON'T CARE THAT MY MOTHER DIED...OKAY??!! WHY SHOULD I? THAT BITCH! SHE DIDN'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ME. SHE DIDN'T CARE IF ANYTHING HAPPENED TO ME OR IF I GOT HURT. SHE NEVER WANTED ME AROUND. NOW THAT SHE'S DEAD, I'M SUPPOSED TO CARE? FUCK THAT!"
Justin paused and took a breath. He felt the intense anger die down, but he couldn't stop the words from coming out. He hurt so bad he couldn't hold it in any longer. "Why did she hate me? What did I ever do? I tried to be a good son...I cleaned the house and helped her with the shopping. Not once did she thank me or say I did a good job."
"She only wanted me around to show off...show how good a mother she was by making sure her son had the best clothes and best toys. But I didn't care about those...all I wanted was for her to love me! It that too much to ask? Huh?" Tears were streaming down Justin's face.
"Even when I was in trouble, she didn't say anything. Hell, I did it to see if she would punish me...even hit me...but no, she ignored me like always. So why should I care about her now? The bitch!"
Justin's emotions were out of control. "God, I miss her...why did she have to die?"
He broke down and sobbed. Chris and Vin wiped the tears from their eyes and went to him. Both men put their arms around him and let him cry it out. God only knew how long the boy kept this all inside.
Chris and Vin watched Justin sleeping on the couch. They managed to get him to lay down after he stopped crying. The boy was so exhausted from his release that he fell asleep immediately.
"I never knew." Chris whispered.
"Don't beat yourself up, cowboy. You had no way of knowing what was going on." Vin held up his hand to stop Chris from speaking. "Don't go there...you were hurting yourself...you wouldn't have been any help to the boy...But you're here now and that's all that matters."
"But..."
"No buts...or I'll tell Nettie what you're doing to yourself... then she'll have yours." Vin said with a smile.
"I'll pass. There ain't anyway I'm tangling with that wildcat over this."
"Smart man." Vin laughed.
Justin opened his eyes and noticed he was out on the couch. He turned his head and saw Vin and Chris sitting on the floor talking. They looked up when.
"Hey, how you felling?" Chris asked.
Justin sighed. "Okay, I guess." He sat up. "Can I ask you something?"
"Anything."
"What's going to happen to me now? I mean now that my mom's dead?"
Chris moved to Justin's side and pushed the hair out of his face. "You'll be staying here with me. You mom had it set up so that if anything happened to her, I would become your legal guardian with an option to adopt."
"I get to stay here? With you?"
"Yep. And I'd like to be my son, if that's okay with you."
"You mean you want to adopt me?"
"Yes, I do."
Justin threw his arms around Chris's neck. "I thought you were gonna send me away."
Chris returned the hug and pulled him away. "I told you, that'll never happen. Understand?"
Justin nodded and placed his head on Chris's shoulder. " Can Vin and the boy's be my uncles?" he said quietly.
Chris looked over at Vin, who was sitting there with a huge grin on his face. "I think that can be arranged."
2 months later:
Chris watched Justin chase after JD and smiled. He was officially Justin's father and they were having a huge cookout to celebrate.
"Hey, cowboy." Vin handed Chris a beer.
"Hey, Vin."
"You okay?"
"Yep, never been better." He took a swallow of beer. "Ya know, It's been a rough couple of months, and I know that Justin still has a lot of problems to work through, but I wouldn't change anything."
Vin's eyes followed Justin as he and JD ran from Buck, and then turned back to Chris. "I know what you mean. Little feller grows on you."
"That he does."
"DAD! UNCLE VIN! HELP ME!!!" Justin giggled loudly.
Chris and Vin looked up and saw Buck had caught up with Justin and was ready to drop him into the water trough.
Vin and Chris looked at each other and smiled. "Nope, wouldn't change a thing." they said in unison and ran off to help Justin.