Christmas for Me

For me holidays, especially Christmas have always been something you looked forward to, enjoyed. I mean it is all about being with family and friends. Getting together to have fun, talk, celebrate, laugh, just enjoy one another.

It was not always about gifts, but more of just being with the ones you love. Having the chance to get with all the friends and family members you have not seen or talked to for some time. Catching up on the old times, things that we have missed due to the lack of communication or being so far away.

As far as I can remember, I have always loved Christmas as a child growing up. I could not wait to wake up Christmas morning to run to the living room to see all the presents under the tree, all over the sofa and floor. I would stay up all night, as long as I could Christmas Eve, trying to see Santa Claus. It always seemed as soon as I would fall asleep, I always missed him !! (But that was when I was very young).

Also I could not wait to get the chance to eat all the good food that had been prepared. All the cakes and pies, and other foods. I remember I would go door to door eating at all the houses, my aunts, my grandma’s etc., and go to my friends homes to eat. All day just eating at everyone’s home. Then going back home to eat some more, all through the night !!! Those were the days.

I remember, I would be so excited to put on the new clothes, shoes etc. It was wonderful being in the company of your loved ones. But now it is not the same, it has all changed. Christmas does not mean as much to me, nor does any other holiday. Don’t get me wrong, it still has some joy to it, but now it is just another day. One that you cannot wait until it is over and done with because it is kind of depressing knowing all your family and friends will be together enjoying Christmas and you are here, alone.

I am the missing piece to the puzzle !

Every day I sit in this cell, either seeing things on T.V. or listening to something on the radio, that reminds me of how it used to be when I was out there. Seeing families together on T.V. I find makes it a little harder.

Yes, I can still find the joy of some of it, from the memories I do have, but the loneliness, pain and misery from it all is greater because I can only think, reminisce on those days. I do not actually still have them, I cannot do the things I used to do, be with the ones I want to be with, only in thought. All I can do is sit in my cell, and sometimes cry, because it really is painful. No matter how hard I focus on the good times, reality still sets in, showing it’s ugly face, knowing I will be spending yet another lonely Christmas away from my family, friends and my girl.

I can only be happy for them, and hope they enjoy themselves, have a great time together. While inside I am dying because I am longing to be there with them. Empty inside!

So with Christmas for me comes some joy, pain, loneliness and misery, all in one! But I cannot let my unhappiness spoil it for everyone else. I cannot let that get them down, because it does no good for all of us to be miserable at Christmas, the time of joy and happiness. So I keep all of this inside.

So I just hope that I can at least enjoy Christmas with a few good friends here on the row with me. And if possible be with my family and friends with a visit. Make the best of a bad thing. Which we all know is not easy!

But, yes, that is what Christmas is for me. Just another long lonely and depressing day filled with memories and hopes!

Renaldo Adams Z-625
Cell 8-D-7
Holman 3700
Atmore, AL 36503
USA

written Christmas 2001

Something to think about

Words from death row......

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