Don't Go
Ally

SUMMARY - How will Mulder ever say goodbye?

'Don't go' 1/1


It still hasn't quite hit me yet.  Nothing seems real as I sit in this room
watching over him as his Mother sleeps exhausted beside me.

And she *is* exhausted.  I could see it in her every movement, feel it her
every breath as she bravely tried to chase away the fatigue.  Even as I
gently laid her down on the bed, covering her with a soft, woollen blanket,
she was fighting me.  I sat beside her, stroking the softness of her cheek as
she finally stopped.  I watched as her eyelids ceased their fluttering when
she closed them for the last time.  I felt rather than heard her breathing
become sweet and even as she slept beside me, leaning toward me slightly as
though even in sleep she needed me near her.

I've sat here for a long while, watched the shadows darken to night around
us.  The three of us, safe in this room.  Tonight we are a family. Me, my
new-born son and the woman I love with every fibre of my being, the one I
would die for without even a second thought.  It's always been that way.  
Ever since I can remember it's always been her.  I can sometimes hardly
believe that once, so long ago, she wasn't beside me.  That there was a time
when the name Dana Scully meant nothing to me.

If I try real hard sometimes I can remember.  I can remember how it felt to
be alone.  I can remember how it was to wake up in the morning and know that
my existence meant nothing in a world that wouldn't miss me if I were gone.  
I wasn't a person back then.  I didn't live, I simply survived.

But not anymore.  Not for a long time have I felt this way.  Not since she
walked in to my life.  I can still smile when I remember the first day I saw
her.  I had smirked down at her, towering over her as I baited her.  Enjoyed
listening to her as she thrust her opinions towards me, refusing to be
intimidated by who I was.  Refusing to dismiss me completely for *what* I
was.  I had watched as she turned in to a flame haired bundle of righteous
indignation and made a mental wager with myself that she wouldn't last the
week.

I guess it's a good thing I'm not really a betting man huh?  Because eight
years later she's still here beside me, just like she's always been.

But as the night grows ever darker, stealing away the final vestiges of light
that filter through the half closed drapes, I know that it can't last.

I would love for everything to work out between us.  For her to walk away
from the FBI with our son and set up a new life with me.  A family.  Just how
I always hoped it might end.  A small house surrounded by a white picket
fence, where flowers bloom three hundred and sixty five days a year.  Where
the wind never blows and the rain never stays around long enough to do more
than invigorate and refresh those beneath it's clouds.  Where perfect day
follows perfect day.  No conspiracies.  No heartache.  No loss.  No pain.  A
place where no one will ever seek to harm us again.  A place where our son
can grow in peace.  Can run through meadows filled with grasses that tickle
his face and wave gently in sweet summer breezes that last all year round.

It's a perfect dream.  One which I have enjoyed spinning over the past weeks
since I returned to her and realised that finally, I had achieved something
that might change the man I am forever.

*My son*

I wish I could have seen him born.  But as usual I was a little late to the
party.  But it didn't matter.  Not really.  Because when I walked in to that
room everything ceased to exist for me except the sight of Scully, cradling
that tiny bundle of squalling, red faced fury in an effort to quieten him.  
She had lifted her eyes to meet mine.  An unspoken declaration of everything
that had remained unspoken between us for so long.  A final coming together
of two souls who had begun a journey so long ago that would finally end with
the birth of this precious child.  A child who might hold the key to the
salvation of all mankind.

A child who, unbeknown to those who seek to destroy us still, that may one
day be the answer to a world of prayers, a world of hope.

It's hard to believe as I sit here now.  Scully still sleeping beside me as I
gaze into the face of the son I will never know.  The child who I can only
hope to protect by walking away from him forever.

It's the ultimate sacrifice and one which might ultimately destroy me.  
Because to walk away now means leaving her too.

We haven't really discussed it.  At the moment it seems so unreal.  To have
found each other again only for it to end like this is almost beyond my
comprehension.  But as every second of every hour of every hour day ticks by,
we know that it's only a matter of time before we have to face up to what is
now inevitable.  For the sake of our son we will do this.  Because if they
ever discover my secret they will take him away from us.  Staying is too
dangerous.  And even though the selfish part of me wants to take the gamble,
the pragmatist that lurks inside of me knows that to do that would spell
disaster for all of us.

So, tomorrow or the next day or the next, I will kiss them goodbye one final
time and walk away.  I will walk away and never look back.  And somehow, some
way, I will make myself continue living.  For them both I will try.

Beside me, Scully sighs softly and I shift my attention away from the
sleeping infant in response to that slight sound.  She is awake now and even
in the half light I can see the tears that shimmer in her eyes as she gazes
up at me.  I wish I could make it right for her.  I wish I could make it
right for both of us.  But this time I can't.  And deep down she knows.  She
knows that this won't last forever.

"Don't go"  she whispers softly, each word cracked and strained.  Trembling
with a thousand tears she has yet to shed in the future.  Saving them for the
day I walk out of the life we had once hoped to share.

But the day hasn't yet arrived.  We'll both know when the time is right.  And
so now, I settle down beside her, taking her in my arms as I gently soothe
her tears away with my touch.  I don't speak.  I can't.  Because it would be
too easy to make promises I can't ever hope to keep.

So I'll stay.  For now.