Secrets 6
Ally112038@aol.com 

We stay in each others arms for a long while. Holding on to each other as if for life itself.

We've been close before, but never like this.

Because this time, I feel as though I am one with him. As though our hearts and minds have succumbed to all that has gone before, both enduring many painful separations until finally we have reached this point.

I am aware of nothing, and yet my every sense is awakened at the feel of him against me

His every movement, his every breath magnified in my consciousness a thousand times until his presence succeeds in enveloping me completely.

He is my blanket, my protection from the bitter chill and biting winds of life. And I allow myself to sink in to this protective warmth, allowing myself, maybe for the first time, to really *feel* him.

This is where I am supposed to be. I think I've always known that. I've just never allowed myself to admit it before now. But while I'm not sure where we go from here, I am sure of one thing.

That this feels *right*.

And I draw a small measure of comfort from the thought that through all the misery and the hurting and the loss and the pain, we have at least finally reached the place we are in now.

I can't help but wonder what he is thinking, Is he holding me like this out of a sense of friendship?

Out of a sense of duty, in deference to all we have shared? Will he pull away from me?

We've come so close before, so close to breaking down the barriers that separate us. But something has always held us back.

Held *me* back.

Maybe it is the feel of his hands in my hair, caressing gently as I sob in his arms that allows me to remember all the times I have turned away from him. Not willing to take what he offered. But, like my life flashing before my eyes, every kiss, every caress, every teasing moment we have ever shared takes on a whole new meaning.

Why did I never see it before?

Why am I being allowed to fully understand what he means to me now that it is too late?

Is it retribution for all my past indiscretions? To be offered a glimpse of all that might have been only to have it torn away from me before I have had a chance to even fully understand it?

My headache, miraculously has diminished, and I can almost imagine it's not there at all, but the fact remains that I am dying. Second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, I am dying in degrees.

Every second that passes means the time I will have to say good bye to him is getting closer.

Not enough time.

There could never be time enough for me to say to him all that I need to say.

So many wasted years.

And now it's too late.

I know this man, possibly better than he knows himself. We have walked side by side through every imaginable horror, drawing strength from each other when everything has seemed hopeless, when the dark has threatened to envelop us, he has always been there for me, allowing me to make it through to the other side.

And while I have never really voiced it, I know it to be true.

Because I *know* him, just as he knows me.

The room has grown dark now, and only the soft glow of the street lamps prevent the inky blackness of night from consuming us completely, but still we don't move.

My tears have begun to dry, tickling my face as my skin tightens beneath them, but still we remain, locked together, two lost souls who have begun to find their way home, drawing comfort from each other in an attempt to face the journey ahead.

I keep my eyes closed, enjoying the feel of him against me.

Enjoying the feel of his strong arms wrapped around me, the pressure of his chin as it nuzzles the crown of my head, breathing me in, allowing our bodies to relax against each other.

We don't need words right now.

Nothing we could say to each other will ever add to this moment.

And I am conscious of my tears, once again spilling from the confines of my closed lids as stark realization forces itself upon me.

*How can I leave him to make the journey alone?*

How will he find his way without me by his side?

He once called me his touchstone, his guiding light. I thought I understood his sentiments when he whispered those words to me not so very long ago. But now I know, when he allowed himself to admit them he was opening his heart to me.

As I have opened mine to him.

But every heart can be broken. Shattered in to a million pieces by our own frailties, we carry on through life trying in vain to put them back together, to repair a hurt so great that we forget about those around us who are hurting too.

And right now Mulder is hurting.

I feel it in his every breath, and more than anything, I want to take that hurt away from him, if only for a short while.

I want him to be whole again.

I know how to achieve it too. And in a world that has become so complicated for both of us, the simplicity is such that it prompts a physical ache deep inside me.

It's so quiet now, as though the world has ceased to exist around us, leaving us alone to enjoy this newfound closeness, to listen to the sound of our hearts beating as one.

This is *our* time.

No distractions, no sounds to take us away from this moment. It is as though we are the only two people left on Earth.

I am aware of him as I have never before been.

He is the only thing that matters to me now.

And although a small voice inside of me is urging me to *think* about where this might be heading, I refuse to acknowledge it. Because deep down I know it is time. It is time for me to finally answer the burning need that has festered inside of me for so many years. To take the final step towards the barrier that has separated us for so long, to *admit* to him and myself the very thing we have worked so hard at denying.

I need this.

And although he would never admit it, Mulder needs it too.

No more games. No more teasing innuendo, this is real. It's might be the only thing left to us that is.

Slowly, I draw my face away from where it rests against his shoulder, and as I do so, Mulder drops his eyes to meet mine. Even in the darkness, I can see the delicate golden flecks within them.

How many times have I looked in to the myriad emotions swirling within the depths of those chameleon eyes and refused to really see?

But tonight I feel a million questions burning in my heart. Voices inside my head clamoring to be heard at last.

And slowly, so slowly, I lightly trace my fingers across his shoulders, my touch so light I can barely feel him, never allowing my gaze to waver as I finally cup his beautiful face between the palms of my hands.

"Scully?"

He makes no attempt to escape my caress, although I see something in his expression subtly alter as he voices that single word that speaks directly to my heart, brows dipping slightly in confusion.

He is scared, I see it plainly in his eyes, scared of what I am about to do, of the barriers I am demolishing piece by painful piece, barriers that he has hidden behind all his life. But nonetheless, he remains in front of me, as though frozen in time, watching me watching him.

My heart is beating painfully, and deep down within myself I feel a fluttering against my ribcage, as though a thousand butterflies are seeking escape.

How long has it been since I've drawn a breath? I'm not sure at this moment whether I will ever be able to breathe again.

I have never been this close to another Human Being in my life.

This closeness transcends the mere physical.

This is something else.

Something so intrinsically wonderful that I wish with all my heart that I could stay in this place for all eternity.

I draw him towards me, gently coaxing him with the touch of my fingers against his face, reassuring him with both my voice and with my hands.

"Ssssssssshhhhhhhhh"

And finally, as though in a dream, I bring my lips to his, closing my eyes to better savor the sheer beauty of this moment, feeling Mulder shudder against me as he brings his arms around me, encircling me so completely I feel I could drown in him.

Even as I am tasting him for the first time, I can't help remembering the last kiss we shared. Watching the rest of the world celebrating a new beginning, oblivious to the horrors that might even now lay before them.

Mulder and I hadn't celebrated.

We were simply glad to be alive.

This is different though, because this is *real*.

This time we allow ourselves to feel each other, to savor this moment, which even in the midst of such heartache, speaks of a new beginning, a new chapter in our lives.

We have both lost so much. Almost too much to still be able to function in a world that has long been hardened to the hopes, dreams and desires of the people who inhabit it.

But if I've learned anything during my time with Mulder, it's that hopes and dreams go hand in hand.

That even if we don't always prevail in our search for retribution, it is the journey we take that is truly the most important thing.

My Father used to tell me that where there's life there's hope.

And as I feel Mulder's tears mingling with my own as we sink deeper in to each other, I pray that he was right.

Because at this moment I realize that even in the midst of dying I am finally alive for the first time.

**********

Epilogue

I came here tonight to talk to her.

To tell her the truth.

And as I sat watching her sleep, I was sure that the decision I had made was the right one.

The *only* one.

I'm not sure how long she slept, or which place or time she visited in her dreams, or what prompted her to call out my name with such yearning it almost tore me apart.

I had expected her to awaken, but she had merely groaned softly and shifted position slightly, unconsciously hugging the soft woolen blanket I had tucked around her, tighter to her chest.

Maybe it was a nightmare.

But then again, if I was in it could it have been anything less?

And now, hours later, she is once again sleeping. Nestled against me like an over-sized kitten, head resting against my chest she is stretched out full length on the sofa.

*Full length and still she doesn't come close to filling the space.*

I try not to think of Scully as anything less than an equal, but right now, she seems tiny, fragile china that will shatter with too much rough handling. But appearances are deceptive, and inside this extraordinary woman is a network of steel and fire unlike anything I have ever experienced before.

She is strong. Far stronger than I could ever hope to be.

I came here tonight expecting an all out verbal assault from her.

Questions, anger, frustration that I had ditched her yet again.

And if she had remained true to her previous form, had battered me with her demands for explanation, I have no doubts that I would have kept my promises and told her everything.

But she didn't ask.

Once again, Scully had gazed at me with her incredible eyes and forgiven me.

Just as she's forgiven me in the past.

But still, I could have told her.

*Would have told her*

Even as I held her in my arms my mind was formulating a thousand different openings. Searching for ways to find a way to admit to her what I have done. To make her understand the reasons why I had to do it.

The memory of that day in the ER is still fresh in my mind, an open wound that refuses to heal, oozing a nauseating combination of guilt, betrayal and horror.

She lied to me.

I trust her more than anyone in the world, and yet she didn't trust me enough to tell me.

My first instinct had been to run. I'm skilled in the art of denial. I've spent my whole life denying my very existence, hiding behind thinly veiled lies so as to protect myself from what was really important to me. Building walls so impenetrable that I had almost forgotten they existed.

Until that miraculous day when Scully walked in to my life.

I still hide sure, but now I know what's important and what isn't.

And that's why I have done what I've done. To preserve what is most important to me. To allow a light to keep burning brightly in a world full of darkness.

Dana Scully.

My guiding light.

I can still feel the touch of her lips against mine, a combination of softness and steel as she kissed me, a tentative promise of things to come.

And she has changed me forever.

In that instant, as the ground beneath us shifted subtly, placing us on a level I never before knew existed, I knew that whatever happens in the future, she must never know what I have done. She will never forgive herself if she knows.

Because I have made a deal with the Devil for Scully's life.

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth the bible tells us. But this goes so much deeper. Deeper than anything mortal men can control.

Gently I bring one of my hands from where it rests against her shoulder and bring it up to gingerly touch the small ridge of puckered flesh at the nape of my neck. The scar is still fresh, but tiny enough to be almost unnoticeable beneath my hair. I insisted upon it.

But despite it's size, it burns beneath my fingers, a constant reminder of what I have done. A final gamble.

No going back.

No second chances.

*My secret*

Author's notes - Before you all flame me, I should tell you that this is the first in a series of three that have been floating around my head for a long time. It will all make sense eventually, I promise! :o)

Once again. my undying appreciation to Pam and Jina. You both made writing this thing *so* easy and so much fun. The encouragement and support you both gave made me carry on even when I felt like throwing the damn puter out the window. Also, huge thanks to Peg who came in right at the last minute and added a wonderful insight in to what I had written. Your comments and suggestions made for another night of editing <g> but the final result was worth it. Thanks to you all! :)

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