"Noooooo!"

With an anguished shout, Chakotay bolted upright in bed, his nightmare hurling him from the depths of sleep into wakefulness. The sheets were wrapped around him, drenched with sweat, and he could almost hear the rapid pounding of his heart. Letting out a heavy sigh, the commander disentangled himself from his bedcovers and padded across the bedroom to the bathroom.

"Computer, lights."

The lights flickered on, and Chakotay stepped into the shower, staying under the warm water only long enough to rinse the perspiration from his skin. Knowing from past experience that he wouldn't be able to return to his slumber, he pulled on some casual clothes and exited his quarters.

**************************

All was quiet in the Mess Hall. Due to the lateness of the hour, only a few crewmembers coming off of the night shift occupied the room, along with the ever exuberant Neelix bustling about in the kitchen. Trusting the officers to fend for themselves, Neelix decided to call it a night, and started out of the room just as Chakotay strolled in.

"Good evening, Commander," the Talaxian greeted. "I was just on my way out, but I'd be happy to stay and rustle you up a bowl of mushroom soup."

"No thanks, Neelix," Chakotay declined. "I'm not hungry."

Noticing the dark circles under Chakotay's eyes, Neelix correctly surmised the reason for the late night visit. "Trouble sleeping, sir?"

"Something like that," Chakotay allowed. "Good night, Neelix."

The weariness in the commander's tone was evident as he wandered across the room to get a cup of hot tea before sequestering himself at a corner table by the window. Chakotay's body language spoke volumes as well, and Neelix's curiosity changed to concern.

Something's troubling him, he observed silently, and it's not just lack of sleep.

Always eager to perform his duty as Voyager's self-appointed morale officer, Neelix briefly considered staying to question Chakotay. Almost simultaneously, however, it dawned on him who would be more likely to get answers out of the first officer, and he discreetly tapped his combadge.

"Neelix to Captain Janeway."

There was a momentary pause, then Janeway's sleep-muddled voice responded, "Yes, Mister Neelix?"

"Captain, I'm in the Mess Hall, and I think you should come down here. There's a situation here which requires your attention."

"And what would that be?" Janeway pressed patiently.

"Actually, Captain, it's a 'who', not a 'what'. It's Commander Chakotay."

"Chakotay? Is he all right?"

"He's not hurt," Neelix assured her quickly, "but he doesn't seem to be his usual self. He said he's having trouble sleeping, but I think there's more to it than that. I considered talking to him myself, but I'm certain you'd have better luck."

"I'll be there shortly, Neelix. Janeway out."

*************************

Less than ten minutes later, Janeway strode onto the Mess Hall, dressed in civilian clothes and looking very alert despite having been sound asleep a few minutes before. Neelix broke into a relieved smile upon spotting the captain, then bade her goodnight and beat a hasty retreat out of the room. Janeway's presence drew a few curious glances from the room's other occupants, but she ignored them as she crossed over to stand in front of Chakotay's table.

"Is this seat taken?"

Chakotay glanced up at the sound of her voice, and managed a faint smile. "It is now," he answered, and gestured for her to join him.

Janeway returned the smile as she settled into the extra chair. "It's a rather odd hour to be taking a coffee break, Commander," she replied. "Shouldn't you be in your quarters sleeping?"

"I could ask you the same question," Chakotay returned. "I assume that you being here isn't just a coincidence."

"Neelix called me," Janeway allowed. "He's concerned about you."

"There's nothing to be concerned about," Chakotay evaded.

"Then why are you brooding in the Mess Hall at 0200 instead of counting sheep?"

"I'm sorry he woke you, Captain. I'm fine, really; I just have a slight case of insomnia."

Janeway shot him a skeptical look. "This from the man who slept through two plasma storms and an earthquake on New Earth? I don't think so."

Chakotay's grin widened ever so slightly, and in a carefully neutral tone he replied, "I'm flattered you were taking an inventory of my sleeping habits, Kathryn."

I'm not touching that with a ten-kilometer pole, Janeway thought idly. Aloud she said, "This is me you're not talking to, Chakotay. Tell me what has you looking like you've lost your best friend."

Chakotay's grin faded, and lifting his eyes to meet her gaze, he said quietly, "I almost did."

The reference to her near-death experience three days before caused the captain to blanch ever so slightly, but she recovered instantly and flashed her First Officer a compassionate smile.

"Chakotay...I thought you were okay with this."

"So did I, but every night since it happened I've had the same nightmare: I relive the crash, and you die, and I lose another piece of my soul."

Janeway reached over to place her hand on his arm. "It's just a dream, Chakotay. I'm still here, and I'm not going anywhere."

"I know that, Kathryn, but understanding it intellectually and accepting it emotionally are two different things," Chakotay declared. "I saw a lot of death during my time with the Maquis, and I lost too many friends to count. Until now I thought I had learned to deal with that. But after your accident, all those memories and all those ghosts came back to haunt me. In my mind I can still see their faces…hear their screams…and now your ghost is haunting me as well."

Chakotay finished and fell silent, his dark eyes mirroring the agony the memories were inflicting on his soul. Janeway held his gaze in silence for several minutes, unsure of what to say to ease his pain but somehow sensing that her presence was soothing in and of itself.

"I'm sorry," she said at last. "I had no idea how deeply this has affected you." "

"Feelings other than anger were a luxury Maquis couldn't afford," Chakotay responded softly. "For a long time I shut myself down emotionally, hoping that if I ignored my emotions they would disappear."

"Souls don't come with an on/off switch, Chakotay," Janeway replied gently. "Our emotions make us who we are."

"Maybe that's the problem," Chakotay suggested. "It's been so long since I've allowed myself to feel anything, I've forgotten what it's like."

"On the contrary, Commander, you are one of the most emotional people I've ever met. I've seen you angry, happy, curious, sad, amused, intrigued…shall I go on?"

"You've made your point," Chakotay relented with an embarrassed smile.

"We all have ghosts, Chakotay…memories of those we've loved and lost, regrets over wrong choices made for the right reasons. Acknowledging those ghosts is the only way to be free of them."

"You make it sound so simple."

Janeway smiled. "There's nothing simple about Human emotions, Commander," she stated. "Only accepting them is."

Chakotay returned her smile, and propped his elbow on the table, his palm open in silent invitation. Janeway mirrored his gesture and laced her fingers through his, both relishing the warmth of their intertwined hands. They sat that way for several moments before Chakotay broke the silence.

"Thank you," he said simply.

"You're welcome."

The XO glanced around the room, his grin widening as he noticed the curious looks he and Janeway were receiving from the other crewmembers present.

"You do realize we're being watched," Chakotay revealed quietly.

Janeway nodded. "I'm sure the rumor mill will be working overtime tomorrow trying to decide why the captain and the first officer were holding hands in the Mess Hall in the middle of the night."

"In that case we should give them something else to talk about."

Without giving Janeway a chance to respond, Chakotay half-stood, then leaned across the table to give her a light kiss.