"Ghosts And Shadows"

Story by Andra Marie Mueller
Written by Andra & Christina

Author's Notes: (PG) - Part of Voyager Virtual Season 7.5. While B'Elanna struggles to integrate three alien technologies into one workable system and get the transwarp functional, Janeway attempts to reconcile her guilt over the lives that have been lost over their nearly seven year journey.
Disclaimer: Paramount is the legal owner of the characters of 'Star Trek: Voyager'. We just borrow them for our own nefarious purposes and to give them real lives."

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"Every difficulty slurred over will be a ghost to disturb your repose later on." - Frederic Chopin

 

PROLOGUE

We are the Borg.

"Reroute all available power to the shields!"

"Evasive pattern Omega Eight One!"

"That was a direct hit to starboard, Captain; casualty reports are coming in from decks nine, ten and eleven."

You will be assimilated.

She felt her throat drying and closing up to avoid inhaling the acrid smoke from burning power relays and charred computer panels. She heard the screams of her officers as they fell under the barrage of weapons fire from the Borg vessel. She could smell the blood as she arrived in Sickbay to receive the Doctor's casualty report.

Resistance is futile.

"Nooo!"

Her shout of denial awakening her from her nightmare, Janeway bolted upright in bed. Her heart was pounding almost audibly, and her sweat drenched nightgown and sheets were tangled around her.

"Damn," she muttered aloud. "You'd think I would be rid of these nightmares by now."

After allowing her breathing to return to normal, she extricated herself from her bedding and wandered into her bathroom, depositing her nightgown in the recycler along the way. Opting for a water shower, she stepped under the warm spray only long enough to wash the perspiration from her skin. Pulling on a robe, she wandered back into her bedroom and stole a glance at the chronometer on the far wall.

"Oh five hundred," she observed. "Only an hour until Alpha shift."

The captain crossed over to her closet and pulled out her uniform, then quickly dressed before exiting her quarters. She made her way to the Mess Hall, and discovered Voyager's resident Talaxian preparing for the first round of breakfast diners.

"Good morning, Mister Neelix," she greeted.

He flashed her a friendly smile. "Good morning to you as well, Captain," he greeted, his still healing throat giving him a hoarse voice. "Off to an early start I see."

"Actually I just stopped in for some fresh coffee before I head to the Bridge," Janeway said.

"One cup of coffee coming up," Neelix declared.

Neelix bustled about the kitchen preparing the coffee as Janeway glanced around the darkened room, trying to ignore the remnants of her nightmare floating around her brain.

"The warp drive is off line and shields are down to seventy-five percent."

"Additional casualty reports coming in from decks four and five."

"The cube is powering its weapons again, Captain."

"Captain?"

Neelix's voice broke Janeway out of her reverie and she shifted to face him, accepting the mug he proffered with a grateful smile.

"Are you all right, Captain?" Neelix asked. "You seemed to be a million miles away just now."

I couldn't be that lucky, Janeway thought bitterly. To Neelix she said, "I'm fine, Neelix, thank you. Just a little preoccupied."

"Well if you need a friendly ear, you know where to find me."

"I'll keep that in mind."

"Have a good day, Captain."

"You do the same, Mister Neelix."

Bidding him farewell, Janeway exited the Mess Hall and the ghosts haunting her there.

* * * * *

ACT 1

Letting loose a rather profane expression of her displeasure, Voyager's half-Klingon Chief Engineer slammed a fist against the control panel in front of her.

"I certainly hope you don't plan to teach that to your daughter when she arrives," a voice said wryly from behind her.

B'Elanna spun around to confront her unexpected visitor and found her commanding officer standing a few feet behind her. "Captain," she greeted. "I didn't hear you come in."

"I just stopped by to see how you're feeling," Janeway replied, and gestured at the remnants of the control panel spewed across the console and at her feet. "How's the project coming?"

"Badly," B'Elanna said. "At the rate I'm going--or rather not going--I think I'm going to have to enlist some outside assistance."

"It's about time," Janeway said. "Where are you going to need assistance?"

"I've been trying to redesign the Zornon cloak specifications to provide tachyon shields that are in phase with the transwarp coil and together can protect the warp core from the resonance frequencies created by the tachyon burst," B'Elanna revealed. "I need to eliminate the resonance or at least lower it by a factor of a thousand."

Janeway's eyes widened in surprise. "That's quite an ambitious idea," she remarked. "I had no idea you'd come that far."

B'Elanna snorted. "I haven't come that far. I was certain that if I had some time to really study it and make some adjustments, I could come up with a way to bring all the technologies together into a working transwarp."

"What seems to be the trouble?"

B'Elanna sighed. "I can't get the computer to accept the integration of the Borg components into the gel packs," she explained. "The nanoprobes are recognizing the bio-neural circuitry as organic and trying to assimilate it. The computer's internal safeguards are recognizing the Borg technology as 'hostile', for lack of a better word, and are rejecting any attempt to install the new energy relays into the system. And the Zornon specs aren't compatible with either system. If we can't find a way to make the three systems compatible, the transwarp coil will be useless."

"So in other words, the left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing, but it knows it doesn't like it," Janeway paraphrased.

"Yes." B'Elanna sighed, and gave the captain a sheepish smile. "As much as I hate to say it, I could use Seven's help about now."

Janeway smiled back. "Maybe Icheb could be of some assistance," she suggested. "Seven taught him quite a bit."

"He has his hands full working with the Doctor on all of his projects," B'Elanna said.

"I'm sure he can spare some time to help you," Janeway countered. "I'll talk to Chakotay and have him rearrange the duty roster so you can borrow Icheb until you solve this problem."

"I'd appreciate the help, Captain. Thank you."

"You're welcome. I'm on my way to the Mess Hall for dinner. Would you care to join me?"

"Thank you for the invitation, but I'm not really hungry," the younger woman declined. "I'm going to call it a night pretty soon, so I'll just replicate something when I return to my quarters."

"Fair enough, but just remember that you're eating for two."

B'Elanna smiled. "Have a good night, Captain."

"You do the same."

Bidding B'Elanna farewell, Janeway exited Engineering.

* * * * *

Lost in thought as he strolled the ship's corridor, Chakotay did not hear his name being called, and it wasn't until he stopped at the turbolift that his pursuer was able to reach him.

"Hey, Chakotay, hold up!"

The First Officer turned at the voice to see Tom Paris approaching him, and smiled in greeting. "Evening, Tom."

"I apologize for shouting, but I wanted to catch you before you got into the lift."

"What's on your mind?"

"I need your help," Tom said. "We're throwing B'Elanna a surprise baby shower."

"That's sounds like fun. What can I do to help?"

"In order to avoid her finding out about it, we're having it at Chez Neelix."

"The Mess Hall from the Doctor's colonization program?"

Tom nodded. "It's one of the few programs I know she won't suspect. I was hoping you could find a way to get her to the holodeck around 1900 hours the day after tomorrow. I'd do it myself, but I'll be helping Neelix with the decorations and the menu."

"I'm sure I can manage something. You realize, of course, that I'm going to have hell to pay tearing her away from Engineering."

"Tell me about it. Having her work sixteen hour shifts was bad enough before she got pregnant, but now it's taking an even heavier toll on her."

"Have you tried talking to her?" Chakotay asked.

Tom gave him an even look. "Have you ever tried talking to a Klingon who's beyond the mellow phase of pregnancy?" he asked. "I'd rather chew on broken glass while walking barefoot over molten rock."

"I see your point. Well, I suppose I could rearrange the duty rosters to make sure she works shorter shifts, and assign a few extra crewmen to Engineering. Discreetly, of course."

"Of course."

"I'll talk to the captain about the duty rosters, and I'll make certain your lovely bride arrives at the shower on time."

"Thanks, Chakotay, and remember to keep it hush-hush."

"I'm not the one who loses a dozen replicator rations weekly trying to keep on top of the ship's rumor mill."

"Ouch. That hurts, Commander."

"Good night, Tom."

Tom retreated in the direction he had come from just as the turbolift doors opened and Chakotay found himself face to face with Janeway.

"Good evening, Commander."

"Captain. Going my way?"

"Depends where you're headed."

"I was on my way to the Mess Hall to see what Neelix has invented for the evening meal," Chakotay clarified. "Would you care to join me?"

"On one condition," Janeway answered. "No talk about ship's business allowed."

Chakotay hid his surprise behind a smile. So it's going to be that kind of night, he mused silently. Aloud he said, "Sounds good to me."

Janeway smiled back and stepped aside as Chakotay stepped into the lift.

* * * * *

No sooner had they stepped into the Mess Hall than their ever-exuberant Talaxian Morale Officer ambushed the command team.

"Captain, Commander," he greeted. "This is a pleasant surprise."

"Good evening, Mister Neelix," Janeway said.

"Are you two here for dinner?" Neelix asked.

"What's on the menu?" Chakotay countered.

"Actually I'm trying a new dish tonight," Neelix revealed. "It's Terrelian root pasta in a butter cream sauce spiced with just a touch of cayenne pepper."

Janeway cast a discreet glance at Chakotay and silently mouthed, "Root pasta?"

The First Officer merely shrugged in response and addressed Neelix. "I'll try some, " he said. "Any chance of getting some of your Talaxian flatbread on the side?"

"Consider it done," Neelix declared. "Captain, how about you?"

Ignoring Chakotay's look of feigned innocence, Janeway flashed Neelix a small smile. "I had a late lunch, Neelix, so I'm not really hungry. But thank you anyway."

"Anytime, Captain. You two settle yourselves at one of the tables and I'll bring the commander's dinner over in a few minutes."

The Talaxian retreated back to his kitchen and Janeway and Chakotay made their way to a table by the window. Once they were seated, the captain gave her first officer a knowing look.

"You only agreed to try Neelix's latest creation because you thought I would as well just to save face," she said.

"You're too suspicious, Kathryn," Chakotay chided. "I agreed to try it because I'm hungry."

Her expression made it clear she did not believe him, but she did not pursue it and instead asked, "Was that Tom I saw walking away from you when you got on the turbolift?"

Chakotay nodded. "He's throwing a surprise baby shower for B'Elanna and he asked me to make sure she gets there."

"If nothing else, it will get her out of Engineering for a little while. She's still toying with the transwarp coil."

"It's becoming an obsession."

Janeway nodded. "She's trying to integrate the Borg and Zornon technology into our regular warp drive so we can use the transwarp coil to get home," she revealed.

"Well if anybody can do it, B'Elanna can, but I'm sure she could use some help. Maybe I should assign Icheb to a couple of shifts in Engineering."

Janeway smiled. "Great minds really do think alike," she replied. "I already told B'Elanna that I would talk to you about doing just that."

Neelix approached them then, and placed a plate of steaming pasta in front of Chakotay, along with a small basket of thin, cracker-like bread. "Here you are, Commander. Enjoy."

"Thanks, Neelix."

The Talaxian retreated to the kitchen as Chakotay took an experimental bite of his pasta.

"Is it edible?" Janeway asked.

He nodded. "It tastes better than it sounds."

"Thank goodness for small favors."

"By the way, our discussion about B'Elanna broke your 'no talk about ship's business allowed' rule."

"Sorry; force of habit."

"Speaking of habits, I'm surprised you don't have your hands wrapped around a mug of hot coffee," he remarked. "I thought it would take a surgical procedure by the Doctor to remove your mug from your hand."

Janeway shot her First Officer an admonishing glance. "For your information, Commander, I am making a valiant attempt to decrease my coffee consumption."

"This from a woman who claims caffeine helped her beat the Borg? I'm shocked."

"Shut up and eat your pasta, Chakotay."

"Yes, Ma'am."

* * * * *

ACT TWO

"Try it now."

"All right."

Running his hand along the panel in front of him, Icheb input the integration codes into the computer. The engines hummed to life and the recalibrated Zornon shield started to vibrate with the onset of the tachyon burst.

"It's working!" Icheb exclaimed excitedly.

"Let's give it a minute or two," B'Elanna countered.

Never let it be said that the CE did not know her ship. The upgraded engines had been running for less than a minute when the computer suddenly began to emit a loud, piercing alarm. Checking her panel, B'Elanna discovered that the pressure in the magnetic core was once again rising above acceptable limits, and released a resigned sigh.

"Computer, freeze program."

The computer chirped in acknowledgement and the room suddenly went silent, the simulation of Engineering frozen in place.

"I was certain it would work," Icheb said. "The realignment to the shields and the transwarp coil should have maintained the output fluctuations at a constant level."

"It's only our first test run, Cadet," B'Elanna reminded him. "I'm not ready to give up yet."

Icheb frowned and glanced at his panel. "Seven would have been able to correct it on the first try."

The mention of his former mentor earned him a sideways glance from his current one. "We haven't really had a chance to talk in a while," B'Elanna said. "I imagine it's been hard for you since Seven left."

Icheb shrugged. "It has been a difficult transition," he allowed. "But Captain Janeway and the rest of the crew have been very supportive."

"It's okay to miss her."

"I don't know if I miss Seven herself so much as what she represented. She was the only member of this crew to understand how it felt to be a fully assimilated member of the Collective and the difficulties inherent in making the transition back to individuality. She was also the closest thing to a sister I had, as well as a teacher and a friend."

B'Elanna smiled. "One of the hardest lessons in life is learning how to let go of someone you care about when they are no longer an immediate part of your life," she replied. "It's like children who grow up and begin their own lives. They have to cope with not having their parents to fall back on, and the parents have to learn how to live their own lives again."

"You sound as though you speak from experience."

"I suppose I do in a way," she allowed. "When I left home to attend Starfleet Academy, I was convinced that I wouldn't be able to make it without having my mother there to encourage me. Or make me mad enough to succeed just to spite her, for that matter. But even though I never graduated from the Academy, my time there taught me that I was strong enough to survive on my own."

"I wasn't aware that your time at Starfleet Academy was at all memorable for you," the young man remarked. "You always speak of it with such rancor."

She chuckled at that. "To paraphrase from a wise young friend of mine, I don't know if it was the Academy itself I resented so much as what it represented," she said. "I've never been good with authority figures, and all of the rules and regulations that come with wearing the Starfleet uniform always seemed to rub me the wrong way."

"Yet you wear the uniform," Icheb pointed out.

B'Elanna shrugged. "Seven years ago I put it on again because I had no choice, but now that I'm a little older, and hopefully a little wiser, somehow it doesn't seem as uncomfortable as it did when I was a cadet."

He paused. "If this works and we get Voyager home, perhaps you should consider returning to the Academy and teaching others what you have learned."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence. Now, I don't know about you, but I'm hungry. Shall we take a break and head to the Mess Hall for some lunch?"

"Thank you for the invitation, Lieutenant, but I would prefer to stay here and continue my work on the engine calibrations."

B'Elanna scoffed. "I don't think so. Chakotay and the captain will have my head if you collapse from malnutrition. The engines will still be here when we get back. We're going to lunch."

Without waiting for any further protest, B'Elanna ended the simulation and ushered Icheb out of the holodeck.

* * * * *

Humming a Talaxian folk song under his breath, Neelix finished hanging the streamers around the room as he turned Chez Neelix into a haven of party favors and baby paraphernalia. He had spent most of the morning in the holodeck preparing for B'Elanna's surprise shower, and it had given him the chance to spend some quality time with Naomi Wildman. Over the last few months, the half-Katarian had been rapidly blossoming into a young woman, and as pleased as he was over her maturity, part of him could not help but miss the little girl who had fallen asleep every night to the sound of his bedtime stories.

It seems like only yesterday we would spend our afternoons laughing our way through the Flotter program, he mused. Now she spends more time pondering Astronomy and biosciences than she does her favorite flavor of ice cream.

His train of thought was disrupted by the sound of approaching footsteps and he glanced over just as Naomi came to stand beside him. "I've finished setting up the tables, Neelix," she told him. "Do you need any help hanging the streamers?"

The Talaxian smiled. "Thank you, Naomi, but I think I've got it covered," he said. "But I am about to start organizing the presents if you want to help me with that."

"Sure."

They made their way to a large table in the center of the clearing, which was covered with gifts of various sizes and shapes. As they began sorting through the presents, Naomi posed a question to Neelix.

"Neelix, do mind if I ask you a personal question?"

He flashed her a warm smile. "You may ask me anything you want, sweetie."

"How come you've never gotten married?'

Neelix's eyes widened at the question, and he considered it for a moment before responding. "I guess it's because I haven't met the right person yet," he said. "I came close once, though. When Kes was still on board, she and I often talked about having a bonding ceremony and starting a family."

"I remember Kes," Naomi said. "Mom used to leave me with her when she couldn't find anyone else to baby sit me, and she was usually in Sickbay when Mom brought me in for my check-ups. She was very sweet."

"Yes, she was," Neelix agreed.

"Did you love her?"

"Oh, yes. Very much."

"Then you must miss her."

"Every day. She was the light of my life. Kes had a way of making you smile simply by being in the same room with you, and she always made you feel proud to be yourself. Everybody on the ship liked her, and I know she would have adored you."

"What about Sarexa?" Naomi asked. "Are you going to marry her?"

"I think we've spent enough time talking about me," Neelix deferred, uncomfortable with Naomi's sudden interest in his personal life and anxious to change the subject. "How are you doing? I'm sure you miss Seven."

"I do, but I know she's happy in her new life with Axum."

Their conversation was interrupted by the arrival of Janeway, who approached the table and greeted them with a friendly smile.

"You two have outdone yourselves," she remarked. "The room looks lovely."

'Thanks, Captain," Naomi said.

"What brings you down here, Captain?" Neelix asked.

"Just the chance to stretch my legs a bit with a stroll around the colony," Janeway answered. "Between Chakotay and the Doctor, I was beginning to think they were going to relieve me of duty in order to force me to take a break."

"Well don't forget that the shower is at 1900 hours tomorrow," Neelix reminded her. "Tom told me that Commander Chakotay agreed to bring B'Elanna."

"I promise I'll be here on time, Mister Neelix," the captain assured him, and handed him the gift she had brought with her. "Meanwhile, I'm going to finish that stroll I came here for and let you two get back to organizing the presents."

Bidding them farewell, Janeway headed off in the direction she'd come and slowly made her way through the makeshift village. During the brief time colonization program had been on line, the crew had quickly adopted it as a second home, and most had abandoned their other holodeck programs in favor of spending time in this one. Watching her officers as they bustled about, the captain felt a twinge of guilt, wondering if perhaps it was time to reconsider her stance on the journey ahead. She had discussed the issue with Tuvok a few weeks past, but despite his reassurance her doubts still lingered.

Am I really doing the right thing by continuing our quest to get home? she pondered. Or am I allowing my own selfishness to blind me to the crew's desire to find a home in the Delta Quadrant and build new lives here?

Stifling a sigh, Janeway permitted herself a final glance around before exiting the holodeck.

* * * * *

Sequestered in her Ready Room, the captain sipped at a newly replicated mug of coffee as she made revisions to her latest log entry. Her tinkering complete, she switched off her computer terminal and shifted her chair to focus her gaze out the window. After her brief visit to the holodeck, she had been unable to lose the nagging sense of guilt that the desire to continue the journey to the Alpha Quadrant remained solely with her.

If the crew truly wants to find a place to call home in this quadrant, who am I to deny them that? she mused silently. And how many more people have to die before I finally allow them that choice?

The captain's morose thoughts were interrupted by the door chime, and at her invitation to enter her second-in-command strolled into the room.

"Good afternoon, Captain," he greeted cheerfully, and handed her the PADD he was holding. "These are the latest crew evaluations, and I think its safe to say you'll like what you read."

"I'm glad to hear it," Janeway responded.

"I stopped by the holodeck to see how things were progressing for B'Elanna's shower," Chakotay said. "Neelix mentioned that you were there earlier yourself."

She graced him with a faint smile. "Given that my First Officer and Chief Medical Officer have been badgering me to stop working so hard, I decided to heed their advice and take a brief recess. I haven't been to the holodeck in awhile, so I felt that a visit to Chez Neelix was in order."

"It might have been more beneficial if you had stayed longer than ten minutes."

"Are you keeping tabs on my personal time now as well?"

He shrugged. "Neelix mentioned that you were only there for a short while, and that something seemed to be troubling you when you left."

"The price I pay for occupying the big chair," Janeway allowed.

"Anything you want to talk about?" Chakotay offered.

"Not really."

"Is it anything you need to talk about?" the First Officer pressed.

The captain sighed. "Maybe it is," she allowed.

Chakotay settled himself into the chair in front of her desk. "What's bothering you, Kathryn?" he asked gently.

"Ghosts."

"Ghosts?"

Blue met brown as she shifted her gaze to his. "We've lost close to three dozen people over the last six and a half years, Chakotay; that's three dozen men and women who will never see the faces of their loved ones again. In the dark of night, I hear their ghosts whispering in my ear, haunting me. Guilt is a shadow that doesn't fade when I step out of the light."

"We all have ghosts, Kathryn...memories of those we've loved and lost, regrets over wrong choices made for the right reasons. Acknowledging those ghosts is the only way to be free of them."

"Acknowledging them isn't the problem; exorcising them is."

"Where is all of this coming from, Kathryn?" he asked. "From the day the Caretaker stranded us in this quadrant, you've made it your personal mission to see this ship and its crew safely home to the Alpha Quadrant. Yes, we've faced our share of hardships and enemies, and sadly we lost some of our friends along the way. But through it all we held fast to the faith that you would do exactly as you promised and get us home. Now you're suddenly feeling guilty about not having done so without any casualties?"

"This isn't about me..."

"Isn't it? You're trying to convince yourself that if you can find a way to ensure we will all live happily ever after, you won't have any more of those ghosts whispering in your ear, or a second shadow named guilt. I've been where you are, Kathryn; I've heard those same ghosts. My parents were among the first casualties when the Cardassians violated their treaty with the Federation, and I lost count of the number of people I lost while I was in the Maquis. Yes, it hurts, and I would like nothing more than to wave a magic wand and bring them all back. But I can't do that, and neither can you. I understand your motivation, but burying your head in the sand isn't the answer."

Janeway held his gaze, surprised and a little hurt as his words. "Well, I must say I wasn't expecting this from you," she said. "You were one of the strongest supporters of the colonization option a few weeks ago. I thought you of all people would support me in this."

"I'd follow you through the gates of hell whistling if it came to that, Kathryn," Chakotay responded with quiet conviction. "You know that. And if convincing the crew to settle here in the Delta Quadrant is truly what you want, then I will stand behind you. But before you present them with the option, take some time to evaluate your real reason for presenting it to them."

Without waiting for a reply, the XO got to his feet and exited the Ready Room, leaving the captain alone to ponder what he had told her.

ACT THREE

"Hey, Tom; wait up!"

Waiting in front of the doors for the arrival of the turbolift, the helmsman turned at the voice to see Harry approaching him, and flashed his friend a smile of greeting.

"Hey, Harry."

"Are you on Bridge duty, or off for a turn in Sickbay?" Harry asked.

"Neither actually," Tom answered. "I'm off to the holodeck to help Neelix with B'Elanna's shower."

"Shower?" Harry echoed questioningly.

"Sorry; I assumed you knew. I'm throwing a surprise baby shower for B'Elanna tomorrow on the holodeck."

"Are you sure that's such a good idea?" Harry asked. "You know how she feels about surprises."

"She'll like this one," Tom assured him. "Trust me."

The younger man snorted. "'Trust me', he says. Last time you said those words to me was when we joined the poker game on Torvel Prime and the captain wound up docking us both a week's worth of replicator rations after Tuvok bailed us out of the Torvellian jail."

"Yes, but you have to admit it was worth it. The two Torvellian women that we 'won' in the game were very...entertaining."

"This from a happily married man whose wife is expecting their first child," Harry chided.

"I'm married, Harry; not dead."

"You will be if B'Elanna hears you talking about other women."

"My wife knows that she is the only woman for me in this or any other quadrant," Tom responded. "But you have to admit, you and I had a lot of fun while I was still single."

"We did have a lot of laughs," Harry allowed. "If someone had asked me when we started this journey who was the last person I would expect to settle down and raise a family, Thomas Eugene Paris would have been at the top of the list."

"I would have been at the top of my own list," Tom said wryly, "but being with B'Elanna has made me happier than I have ever been."

"How is she holding up after all the excitement with the Borg?"

"Better than I am. I was so worried that something would happen to her or the baby I could barely concentrate on my duties. Even now I get a chill if she so much as sneezes funny."

Harry placed a reassuring hand on Tom's arm. "B'Elanna's the strongest person I know," he said. "It'll take more than a few cranky Borg to do her any lasting damage."

"I hope so.

"Hey, if you need to talk about anything, or just feel like heading to the holodeck to let off some steam, let me know. I'm here for you whenever you need a friend."

"Thanks, Harry."

The doors swooshed open then, and the men stepped into the turbolift.

* * * * *

Following his conversation with Janeway, Chakotay had retreated to his quarters for some much needed solitude. He was certain he had come to terms with his own past, but in light of Janeway's mention of ghosts, he was forced to admit a few of his own had been resurrected.

I thought I had come to terms with my past, he mused. But maybe Kathryn isn't the only one with a second shadow.

During his six years on Voyager, he had found a peace within himself he had not felt before, even during his early years on Dorvan V. As a young man, he had been overly eager to go to Earth and attend Starfleet Academy, certain that he was meant to live his life among the stars. Yet when the Federation chose politics over its people and agreed to the treaty with Cardassia, his hopes and dreams were exterminated just as ruthlessly as his family. Joining the Maquis had been his way of trying to find a place to belong, as well as an opportunity to extract revenge for the murders of his parents. But any satisfaction he had felt by retaliating against the Cardassians quickly faded as the reality of life as a freedom fighter sank in. Each day brought more deaths; more blood on his hands; more guilt to become his second shadow.

All those lives lost, he mused. Friends and lovers gone. And for what? The Dominion War resulted in 800 million casualties, so in the end almost nobody was left to know or care that justice had been served.

His thoughts drifted then to his sister Maya, and the work she was doing as the CMO of Dorvan V's medical center. Instead of allowing hatred and anger to rule her heart, she was using her talents to help heal the wounds left by the war and restore their homeworld. He wondered what path his own life would have taken had he chosen to remain on Dorvan V, instead of rushing off to the Academy to pursue a life his father had never understood or approved.

"Your place is here, Chakotay," Kolopak said. "The blood and sweat and tears of our people are as much a part of this land as the dirt and the grass."

"I am not a child anymore, Father," Chakotay retorted. "I am no longer required to follow where you lead. My place is in Starfleet; I belong among the stars. Not toiling away in the summer heat to raise crops, or seeking guidance from an animal that does not exist."

A shadow of pain passed across the older man's face at his son's harsh words, but he kept his voice even as he replied. "You are right, my son; you are not a child any more. If you truly feel that your place is with Starfleet, then I will not stand in your way. But there will come a day when you will greet the sun with a heavy heart, and realize that perhaps, just perhaps, you belonged on Dorvan after all."

That had been the end of their conversation, and the following day Chakotay had boarded a transport to begin his journey to Earth. It had also been the last time he had spoken to his father, or seen either of his parents alive. His occasional correspondence with his mother was done via subspace, as his training and duty assignments did not allow for the time required to return to Dorvan V. He had been a Lieutenant Commander and serving as a tactical instructor at the Academy when Admiral Ross had brought word of the Cardassian assault on Dorvan V and subsequent murder of his parents. Starfleet Command had granted him a leave of absence to return home for his parents' funerals, and Chakotay had never returned to Starfleet. His resignation had been tendered via subspace and before the Admiralty could protest or respond, he was a Maquis. At the time, the fire of anger in his heart had burned bright enough to serve as a beacon throughout the harsh days and weeks of the resistance. But as the weeks turned to months, and more of his comrades continued to fall around him, tiny slivers of doubt began to work their way into his heart. On that fateful day the Freedom was transported into the Delta Quadrant, he saw one chapter of his life come to a close and another one unfold. His subsequent encounter with Kathryn and her crew forever altered his life, and in his heart of hearts he knew he would not change that, for anything. But the questions still remained.

What would have become of my life if I had remained on Dorvan V? he wondered silently. Would I have married and raised my own family? Or would I just have been another casualty when the Cardassians destroyed our home? And would I have been able to prevent my parents' deaths?

Chakotay had no real way of knowing the answers to those questions, and he was wise enough to accept that by dwelling on them he would only cause himself unnecessary pain. He also knew that Kathryn would have to banish her own shadow of guilt; it was the only way she would rid herself of the ghosts she carried with her.

* * * * *

Icheb stared at his fingers poised over the computer console. This was their fourth recalibration, and he wondered if perhaps they would be better off rethinking the whole project. They were trying to integrate Starfleet, Zornon, Borg and several other alien technologies into one, unified system.

 

"Perhaps we would be better off trying to integrate the Zornon technology first," he said. "I can access the results of my research."

He hesitated. His research. It was his research that had saved Voyager from the Borg. He shivered. He had originally modified the nanoprobes to do exactly what they'd been used for; destroying Borg drones. And he would make the same choice again to protect Voyager. But it didn't help to try and justify his actions; he still felt the guilt over the deaths of the drones weighing upon him.

"Are you still with me, Cadet?"

"I'm sorry," he said, B'Elanna's question breaking off his train of thought.

"The Zornon tech is the least of our problems." B'Elanna looked over at him, a concerned look on her face. He still feels the guilt over what he did to the Borg.

"That is why we should try it first," Icheb replied. "It is the closest to be perfected for Voyager's systems."

"True. You did excellent research on it, by the way."

Icheb smiled briefly at the praise, but quickly returned to his somber mood, not sure he deserved the compliment. "Thank you, Lieutenant. Computer run Icheb research program twenty two point three."

"Icheb..." B'Elanna hesitated. "We'll give it a try. Nothing else seems to be working."

"Very good. Computer engage Zornon cloak." Nothing changed. He started to let himself relax after five seconds. "Computer show view three."

They were immediately outside the ship, but there was no sign of Voyager, except for a spherical distortion.

"If nothing else," B'Elanna said softly, "a working cloak could be very useful. Computer save data and end program." She patted Icheb on the shoulder. "Perhaps it is time to try this on Voyager."

She tapped her combadge. "Torres to Kim. Please report to holodeck two."

* * * * *

This is incredible, Harry thought as he looked around the holodeck. Icheb motioned for him to join him at the engineering controls. "Wow."

Icheb smiled. "'Wow'; an exclamation used to express surprise and wonder."

"That's right," Harry said. "Have you and B'Elanna succeeded?"

"Not yet. The tachyon burst is still putting too much strain on Voyager's engines."

Harry shook his head sadly. "I see. Will you be abandoning the project?"

"Of course not," B'Elanna said from behind him. "But we still have a lot of work to do. Icheb's correct in his assessment that we need to do this one step at a time." She nodded and Harry watched as Icheb entered something into the computer.

"It is working," Icheb said calmly.

"Working?" Harry looked around for any sign of a change. "What's..." He gasped as the view changed to outside the ship. A spherical distortion pattern was the only indication of where Voyager should have been. "A cloak?"

"The Zornon cloak to be specific," Icheb answered.

Harry took two deep breaths when the holodeck image returned to Engineering. "The spherical distortion is part of what will eventually protect Voyager from the tachyon radiation when we go to transwarp."

"It's not an effective cloak then?"

"No," B'Elanna said. "But it should cover a hasty retreat."

"And the transwarp?"

B'Elanna placed a hand on his shoulder. "Harry, we're trying. The secondary sympathetic waves are causing a Heyderman cascade in the magnetic coil. We'd like you to help us."

Harry took the offered PADD. "Heyderman's work is still considered theoretical."

"I know," B'Elanna said. "But Heyderman didn't have a transwarp coil to test his theory."

"True." Heyderman had died a decade before the Borg made their first appearance. Harry glanced quickly at the PADD. B'Elanna's and Icheb's work was quite extensive. "Have you talked to the captain?"

"Not recently," B'Elanna admitted. "We were too optimistic. Now, we're going to get the cloak working and adjusted; then try again to incorporate the Borg technology."

"Well, let's get started!"

Harry followed B'Elanna over to the computer, eager to get started. Being home by Christmas was too optimistic--but maybe by Federation Day! He would talk to the captain about adjusting his schedule so he could spend more time on this project. He would talk to her later, after the shower tomorrow.

ACT FOUR

As expected, Janeway found the Airponics Bay deserted. It had been Kes' pet project during her time on Voyager, and although other members of the crew had maintained it after her departure, somehow it still remained Kes' domain. As she walked over to inhale the fragrance of a large rose, the captain could almost feel an echo of her friend's spirit here.

This was Kes' favorite part of the ship, she mused. She spent most of her free time tending to the flowers and plants she grew here, especially her makeshift vegetable garden.

The memory of the sweet young Ocampan who had brightened the lives of everyone aboard during her brief tenure on Voyager brought a pain to Janeway's heart, as she recalled the parting gift Kes had given them before vanishing from their lives.

Kes used her evolving powers to propel us 10,000 light years closer to home and shaved ten years off of our journey. Without the extra jumpstart we would not have made it as far as we have now, literally or figuratively.

Her memories of Kes brought to mind the conversation she and Chakotay had had earlier that day, regarding the ghosts haunting Janeway and the guilt she carried over the lives they had lost during their journey through the Delta Quadrant. Certainly their loss was a difficult burden to bear, but perhaps it was tempered by the benefits they had gained: Kes' brief time among them; Seven's liberation from the Collective; Tom and Harry's friendship; the Doctor's evolving sentience; Tom and B'Elanna's wedding and the impending birth of their daughter. And, of course, her wholly complicated yet immensely fulfilling relationship with her ex-Maquis First Officer.

Maybe our being stranded in the Delta Quadrant isn't an entirely terrible dilemma after all.

"Torres to Janeway."

The page interrupted the captain's wistful, thoughts and she stifled a sigh as she tapped her combadge. "Janeway here."

"Captain, if you have a moment, Icheb and I would like to speak with you."

"Certainly. I'll meet you in my Ready Room in five minutes. Janeway out."

Severing the transmission, Janeway cast a final look around the room and sent a silent 'thank you' to wherever and whatever Kes was now before exiting the Airponics Bay.

* * * * *

Janeway glanced curiously at B'Elanna, Icheb, then at Harry. Harry's big smile pretty much told the whole story. "You did it?"

"Not quite, Captain," B'Elanna said. "We haven't managed to integrate everything, but Cadet Icheb has the Zornon tech ready to try on Voyager."

"This would be the cloak?"

The trio nodded in unison, then Icheb stepped forward. "Captain, if I may." He handed her the PADD he was holding. She read through it quickly, then read it a second time, slower.

"Very good work. How long will it take you to integrate the Zornon tech into Voyager's systems?"

"We can be ready for testing tomorrow," B'Elanna answered. Janeway almost agreed to conduct the initial test tomorrow evening, but Harry shook his head.

The shower. "How about tomorrow morning."

B'Elanna started to speak but Icheb spoke faster. "Aye, Captain. We can do that." B'Elanna looked at Janeway with a puzzled look.

This was a good time to end the conversation. "Excellent. Keep me posted. Cadet, you and Lieutenant Paris will use the Delta Flyer to record the tests."

"Thank you," Icheb gave her a small smile. Harry patted Icheb on the back. She dismissed them with a short laugh. Finally, maybe, life on Voyager was back to normal.

* * * * *

Tom smiled at his young companion. "Calm down, Cadet."

"Yes, sir," Icheb said nervously. "Two minutes."

"Icheb, patience. You are being illogical."

Icheb glanced at him and sat straighter, but Tom could see the younger man continue to fidget. He remembered the day they took the Delta Flyer out for its test flight. B'Elanna had threatened to toss him out the airlock.

A blue light flashed in the center of the console. "We're ready." He tapped the comlink. "Delta Flyer to Voyager. All sensors are active and ready. You can engage the cloak at your discretion."

"Very good," Janeway's voice said. "Engaging in three seconds."

Voyager shimmered, then vanished. "Sensors show Voyager at eleven o'clock," he said. "Engaging targeting scanners."

"I'm unable to get a lock. Adjusting for spherical distortion."

There was a second of silence, then Icheb spoke again. "I have a lock."

Tom glanced at the chronometer. "It took three minutes."

"I was hoping for longer," Icheb admitted, but he was smiling.

"Hey, I can do a lot with three minutes," Tom said with a big grin. He again tapped the comlink. "Delta Flyer to Voyager."

"Voyager here," Janeway said. "Report!"

Tom nodded at Icheb. It was the kid's project after all.

"Captain," Icheb said. "Beginning data transmission."

"You know," Tom whispered, "she might like to hear your opinion."

"The computer data will be more accurate."

"And if we use this, it will be eyes that will make the initial assessment."

"I understand. Captain Janeway, there was a noticeable spherical aberration. The computer scanners were able to identify that there was an object, but it took an additional two point nine minutes for the computer to make a target lock."

"It looks good," Janeway said. "Return to Voyager. Congratulations." Tom grinned at seeing Icheb's smile at the captain's praise. "Enjoy it kid, you deserve it."

* * * * *

As expected, Chakotay found B'Elanna in Engineering, rechecking the new engines and making notations on her PADD.

"Trying to find out who's been naughty or nice?" he asked lightly.

The half-Klingon glanced over her shoulder. "Excuse me?"

"Never mind," he demurred. "If you can tear yourself away from your new toy long enough, I need to show you something."

"Can it wait?" B'Elanna requested. "I really need to double check the engine calibrations before we do the second test run on the Zornon cloak."

Chakotay gently pulled the PADD out of her grasp and placed it on a nearby console. "The calibrations can wait until later," he said. "Right now, you're coming with me."

"But Chakotay..."

"Do I need to make it an order, Lieutenant?" he asked sternly.

B'Elanna did not respond aloud but her expression made it clear she was not pleased about being pulled away from her project. "Do I at least get to know where we're going?" she asked irritably.

"You'll find out when we get there. After you."

The First Officer gestured for her to precede him and casting him an annoyed glance, she headed out of Engineering, not seeing the smile that spread across Chakotay's face as he followed her.

EPILOGUE

Inside the holodeck, the officers present for B'Elanna's shower were chatting amongst themselves as they awaited the arrival of the guest of honor. While Neelix and Tom did a last minute check of the decorations and hours de oeuvres, Janeway hovered near the door, smiling faintly to herself as she watched her crew interact with each other.

Chakotay was right, she mused. The crew does seem content with their lives here, and none of them has ever expressed any real desire to settle off ship. Maybe I just needed to hear someone else state the obvious in order to alleviate my fears.

"Are you all right, Captain?"

The question derailed Janeway's train of thought, and shaking off her wayward thoughts, she shifted her attention to the person who had posed the question.

"I'm fine, Icheb. Why do you ask?"

"You seemed to be lost in thought just now," Icheb said. "I thought perhaps something was troubling you."

Her smile widened. "I appreciate your concern, Cadet, but I am actually better than I've been in a long time."

"I'm glad."

Neelix chose that moment to join them, practically bubbling with excitement. "I just received word from our sentry, Ensign Jenkins, that Commander Chakotay and Lieutenant Torres are on their way," he told them. "I need you two to join the rest of us so we can turn off the lights."

"Of course, Neelix," Janeway said.

The Talaxian ushered them over to where the rest of the guests were huddled in a group facing the door, and someone called out for the computer to turn the lights off just as the sound of muffled voices reached the entrance to the holodeck.

"You took me away from Engineering to show me your new holodeck program?" B'Elanna could be heard protesting.

"Just have a little faith in me, B'Elanna," came Chakotay's response. "I promise you it will be worth your time."

On that note, the doors swooshed open and the two stepped inside.

"Computer, lights," Chakotay instructed.

The lights came on and the assembled crew immediately chorused, "Surprise!"

"What in the world?" B'Elanna muttered.

Pushing his way through the crowd, Tom walked over to greet his wife. "Welcome to your baby shower, Honey."

"Baby shower?" she echoed. "No one told me about any baby shower."

"That's because it was a surprise."

B'Elanna glanced sideways at Chakotay. "So this is the real reason you practically dragged me out of Engineering?"

He nodded. "Your husband recruited me to get you here on time and unaware of why you were coming."

She returned her attention to Tom. "This was your idea?"

"Guilty as charged," Tom conceded. "But I had a lot of help."

B'Elanna glanced around at the lavishly decorated clearing and the stack of presents on a large table beside the buffet. "This is amazing..."

"It's our way of welcoming our newest crewmember, and thanking her mother for all of her efforts in keeping Voyager ship shape," Janeway replied.

The engineer was clearly overwhelmed and took a moment to gain control of her emotions before speaking. "Thank you all, so much. This is incredible."

Having worked her way to the front of the crowd, Naomi approached B'Elanna and took her hand in hers. "Come on, Lieutenant; let's get started on your presents."

B'Elanna flashed her a warm smile. "Lead on, Naomi."

As Naomi pulled her toward the table of gifts, B'Elanna flashed Tom an adoring smile and mouthed 'I love you' before turning her attention to the gifts. As the other crewmembers wandered over to join Naomi and B'Elanna, Janeway made her way over to stand beside Chakotay.

"You did a good job of getting B'Elanna here without giving away the surprise, Commander," she said. "Obviously some of those skills in covert operation you honed while in the Maquis aren't as rusty as they should be."

Chakotay chuckled. "I don't know if I should be insulted or flattered," he replied. "You were rather quiet on the Bridge today. How are you?"

"Better," Janeway allowed. "I gave some though to what you said, and I realized you were right. Settling on a planet here in the Delta Quadrant isn't a guarantee against more casualties, and the crew seems happy enough to call Voyager home until we get back to the Alpha Quadrant."

"And what about your ghosts?"

"They're still around, but they aren't speaking quite as loudly as they once were, and my shadow named guilt is fading a little bit as well."

"I'm glad. You had a right to fear what the future holds, Kathryn, and to mourn what the past has cost us. But life happens, and trying to hide from it only keeps you frozen in place as it passes you by. We've made it as far as we have by confronting what ever the Delta Quadrant throws at us together, and we'll make it home the same way."

The captain gave him a warm smile. "Have I ever told you that making you my First Officer was the second best decision I've ever made?"

He smiled back. "Only the second?' he asked with mock offense. "What was the first?"

"Making you my friend."

**************************************

The End.