"A Separate Peace"
by Andra Marie Mueller

PART FOURTEEN : 'Small Talk'

SUMMARY : Kathryn and Chakotay catch up on fifteen years of life events

See Part one for author's notes and disclaimer

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The next morning, Chakotay was in his office finishing his meeting with Brev and Paris.

"…So the ships should be back in peak condition by the end of the week," Paris reported.

"That’s good news," Chakotay replied. "Has anything unusual shown up on long range sensors, Korran?"

"Just a couple of Orion cruisers," Brev told him. "No sign of Starfleet or Cardys."

"Even better news," Chakotay declared. "Thank you for the update, Gentlemen. Dismissed."

Brev and Paris started for the door, but the latter stopped when Chakotay called to him.

"Mister Paris, a moment of your time, please."

Paris crossed back over to stand in front of Chakotay’s desk. "Yes, Captain?"

"Morgan sent me a brief message cautioning me that Starfleet Command is up in arms over my abduction of Janeway, and he told me that once the repairs are finished, Voyager will be resent to the Badlands to resume its search for the Maquis. I want you to reconfigure the energy signatures for our ships so that even if by some miracle they do figure out where we are, their sensors won’t be able to confirm it."

"They’re not going to send a rescue party after Janeway?" Paris asked.

"They have more important things to worry about. Julian got a message from Captain Sisko on DS9, and it appears that the Cardys have gotten themselves some new friends: a group of soldiers from the Gamma Quadrant called the Dominion. According to Sisko, the powers that be are convinced that the Cardys and the Dominion are plotting an invasion of the Alpha Quadrant."

Paris smiled. "Bet my old man has his knickers in a twist about that," he said dryly.

"I imagine the entire Admiralty is a little uptight; but then again, they always have been. Get to work on the computers and let me know if you have any problems."

"Yes, sir."

Paris left the office just as Terven Darjenko entered, and the two friends exchanged a smile.

"Morning, Captain," Darjenko greeted. "I’m on my way to the galley to join Korran and B’Elanna for an early lunch. Care to join us?"

"Thanks for the invitation, Terven, but I’ve already got a lunch date, and she’s much easier on the eyes than you are."

"So how are things between you and the lady captain?" Darjenko inquired.

"I’m still sleeping on the couch," Chakotay answered, "but she no longer draws blood every time she talks to me."

"Could it be that those icy walls she has erected around herself are actually beginning to melt?"

"Anything’s possible."

"Assuming for the moment that the two of you do manage to ‘renew old ties,’ what happens when it’s time to let her go?"

"That’s what I’m afraid to find out."

Bidding Chakotay farewell, Darjenko left the room, and Chakotay wandered back around his desk to shut off his computer. He glanced up expectantly at a knock on the doorframe and discovered Janeway standing in the doorway.

"Am I intruding?" she asked.

"Not at all."

Janeway stepped into the office, and took a quick visual survey of the room. "You need to have a chat with your interior decorator, Chakotay. This place is a little bleak."

"Not all of us get private offices with a view and personal replicators," Chakotay countered. "My office suits me just fine the way it is."

"You have something against Ready Rooms?" Janeway queried.

"They strike me as a bit too comfortable. When I need to concentrate on my work, I don’t want comfort; I want efficiency."

"Even Maquis captains need a sanctuary," Janeway countered.

"You have holodecks; I have my house," Chakotay returned. "So what brings you into the lion’s den? I thought you were having breakfast with Gray Feather."

"I did, but Serena Darjenko came by with her son to take Little Wolf swimming, so I decided to give Gray Feather and Red Hawk some time alone."

"Well, I’m glad you’re here. Do you want to grab some lunch in the galley?"

"Actually I’d rather go somewhere a little less public. We haven’t really had a chance to talk since we called a truce, and we have fifteen years of catching up to do."

Chakotay held her gaze for a moment before responding. "I’ve been fighting a very dirty war for the past fifteen years, Kathryn. I can’t imagine that’s what you want to talk about."

"I’m not asking for a tally of every Cardassian you’ve killed, no, but I would like to hear about the issues that made you reconsider your tenure with the Maquis. And I think you should hear about what’s happened in my life during our time apart as well."

"All right. How about that walk on the beach I promised you last night?"

"Sounds good to me."

 

Some time later, Janeway was seated on a hollow log at the far end of the beach, watching quietly as Chakotay stood over Ebony’s grave, staring at the small mound of dirt in thoughtful silence. He stood there for several minutes, not speaking, until he at last muttered something under his breath before crossing the beach to join Janeway.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

Chakotay nodded. "It’s just a little unsettling to be reminded how close I came to dying."

"Given your activities over the past fifteen years, surely it wasn’t your first brush with death," Janeway said.

"No, but it’s not the same. When you’re in battle you have such an adrenaline rush that you don’t have the luxury of worrying about your fate, but to come face to face with death so unexpectedly is a rather harsh reality check."

"Yet you still fight, and I assume on occasion you’ve even killed Cardassians with your own hands," Janeway pressed.

"The only difference between killing someone with a weapon instead of your bare hands is that you don’t get blood on a phaser rifle," Chakotay said bluntly. "The end result is the same."

"Are you afraid to die?"

"No. There comes a day in every man’s life when he has to be willing to die for what he believes in. For me, that choice was made when I joined the Maquis."

Not wanting to dwell on the subject, Janeway switched topics. "What did you say to yourself just now when you were standing over Ebony’s grave?"

"I was reciting a prayer my mother taught me when I was a child. In essence it’s a request to the Sky Spirits to watch over Ebony’s soul."

Janeway smiled. "I never considered the idea that animals have souls."

"All living creatures have souls, Kathryn; some are just more obvious than others."

Janeway’s smile widened. "You are the most unusual man I have ever known," she remarked. "You talk about death as casually as you talk about the weather, and in the same breath you tell me that you pray for your dog’s soul."

Chakotay returned her smile. "I got a lot of ribbing from my people when I arranged for Gray Feather to bring Ebony here," he admitted. "They found it amusing that I needed to have a dog to keep me company. What I neglected to tell them was that he was my last connection to you, and having him here was like having a part of you here, too."

"I wondered on occasion if you kept him after we separated. Logically I knew that the life you had chosen didn’t allow for personal niceties such as pets, but given my own connection with Bear, I hoped that you would find a way to keep Ebony."

"What did you do with Bear’s puppies?"

"Phoebe kept one for herself, and I gave one to Mark. The others I gave away to various friends and colleagues."

"How is your charming little sister these days?" Chakotay inquired. "Does she still say the first thing that pops into her brain?"

Janeway chuckled. "I’m afraid so," she said. "Phoebe is happily married to the CMO of Starfleet Medical and they have two adorable little girls."

"What about you? Besides rising through the ranks of Starfleet, what have you been doing with yourself for the past fifteen years?"

"Actually I never intended to switch to command. I was perfectly happy as a science officer; doing research and letting someone else make the big decisions. But after an incident with the Cardassians during the first part of my term on the Icarus, Owen Paris convinced me that I should think about changing career tracks."

"I heard about that," Chakotay recalled. "Paris was briefly taken prisoner but was rescued by a small groups of his officers. I had no idea you were part of that group."

"That encounter changed my life in more ways than one: It brought Justin and me together; it was the catalyst for my switch to command; it was my first contact with Cardassians."

"Too bad it couldn’t have been your last," Chakotay added dryly.

"As long as we’re on the subject of hostile encounters, what’s the story with you and Seska?" Janeway asked. "It’s obvious that you two were involved at some point; yet she doesn’t seem willing to accept that it’s over."

"Seska was a mistake," Chakotay declared. "War doesn’t allow time for in-depth relationships, but there are times when you need to be reminded that you are still alive. Yet I knew almost immediately that getting involved with her was a bad idea, and our affair ended before it ever really began. But because I allowed her to stay on my crew, she took that to mean I would change my mind."

"She may have an attitude that puts a Klingon to shame, but she is an attractive woman. Why not just accept what she had to offer, but on your terms instead of hers?"

"I’ve never been one for casual affairs; and knowing Seska’s feelings for me were more than just a passing attraction, I felt it would be fairer to both of us to break it off. Unfortunately Seska seems to consider me her personal property."

"Does she know about us?"

"She knows I was engaged once while I was still in Starfleet, but I never mentioned you by name, and I’ve never discussed our relationship with anyone on my crew."

"You’ve never been one for keeping secrets, Chakotay."

"No, but I’ve also never been one to advertise my personal business. But as long as we’re on the subject, just how did you manage to pry the story about Alpha Centauri out of Red Hawk?"

Janeway shrugged. "To be honest, I don’t know. I simply asked him what he had meant when he asked you if I was ‘the’ Kathryn."

"And what did he tell you?"

"He told me that you saw a woman in a tavern on Alpha Centauri who looked like me and approached her, then did a 180-degree emotional turn when you realized she wasn’t me. He said that when he asked you who ‘Kathryn’ was, the only answer you gave him was ‘the one who got away’".

"And did he also happen to mention that I spent the rest of the night drinking myself into oblivion, after which I proceeded to tell him all about you and what I did to us?"

"No, he didn’t happen to mention that. What did you tell him?"

"I told him how much I loved you, and that when you left Dorvan Five you took whatever remained of my soul with you."

Janeway felt her heart constrict at Chakotay’s confession. It’s moments like this that remind me why I loved him. She flashed him a faint smile. "So I suppose your real reason for kidnapping me was to take it back?" she prompted lightly.

Chakotay smiled back. "Something like that," he allowed, then quickly changed the subject. "So how did you wind up with Voyager?"

"The captain’s chair was originally offered to Will Riker, but when he opted to stay on the Enterprise as XO, they gave Voyager to me. They felt my previous experience with the Cardassians might prove useful during the search for the Maquis in the Badlands."

"How typically Starfleet to use a traumatic experience from your past to their advantage to get you to do their dirty work."

"If you still have such disdain for Starfleet, why did you agree to work for them?"

"I want freedom for my crew," Chakotay said. "They’ve earned the right to return to their homes, but the only way they can do that is if we get rid of the Cardassians."

"What about you? What do you get out of all of this?"

"I want my sisters to be able to return to Dorvan with their children and share with them where we came from. I want them to learn about who our parents were and what they stood for. I want them to grow up in a world of peace and not war."

"At the risk of pointing out the obvious, kidnapping me isn’t exactly going to send Starfleet into spasms of joy. You may very well have jeopardized that peace by abducting me."

Chakotay afforded her a sideways glance, and held her gaze for a moment before saying simply, "It’s worth the risk."

"All’s fair in love and war?"

"Absolutely."

Janeway shook her head. "You are incorrigible."

"It’s part of my charm," came Chakotay’s reply. "You still haven’t mentioned your boyfriend. Mark Johnson, right?"

"Yes. He’s part of the Questor Group and teaches philosophy at Starfleet Academy."

"All brains and no brawn, I’m sure."

"Still waters run deep."

Chakotay smiled. "Touché. What’s he like?"

"Mark is intelligent, considerate, gentle, funny. He and I have been friends for most of our lives."

"Are you in love with him?"

"Yes, I love Mark."

"Enough to marry him?" Chakotay prompted.

"He’s asked," Janeway allowed.

"Have you answered?"

"Not yet."

Janeway’s answer seemed to satisfy Chakotay, and he let the subject drop. They sat in companionable silence for a moment before Janeway spoke again. "What would have happened if Voyager’s captain had been someone else?" she asked evenly.

"If Voyager’s captain had been someone else, Starfleet would be out a starship and a hundred and fifty or so of its officers would be floating towards DS9 in those claustrophobic escape pods."

"Well, then, I guess Starfleet owes me one."

"I’ll have them put it on my tab," Chakotay responded dryly.

"Thank you for being honest," Janeway said suddenly. "We touched on some pretty sore subjects, and I appreciate your openness."

"I have no secrets from you, Kathryn, and I am well aware of how far I have to go to earn your trust again."

Maybe not as far as you think. The thought flashed through Janeway’s mind unbidden, and she briefly considered repeating it aloud. Yet not quite ready to open her heart again to him, she decided against revealing her feelings. Taking her silence as confirmation of his remark, Chakotay got to his feet.

"We should head back to the house," he said. "I don’t want to risk running into the bear again."

"If we do, I promise not to try and adopt her cub," Janeway returned.

Chakotay shook his head as he extended his hand to help to her feet. Janeway placed her hand in his and stood up but made no move to relinquish Chakotay’s grip on her hand. He shot her a curious look, to which she responded only with a faint smile. Hand in hand, they started back down the beach.

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Part 15