"A Separate Peace"
by Andra Marie Mueller

PART NINE : 'Casualties Of War'

SUMMARY : The murder of his parents prompts Chakotay to make a life altering decision

See Part one for author's notes and disclaimer

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U.S.S. Liberty

Chakotay was in the midst of lunch with Janeway and several of their friends when he received a page from Captain Morgan. "Morgan to Chakotay."

"Chakotay here, sir."

"Commander, would please join me in my Ready Room?" Morgan asked.

"I’ll be right there, Captain. Chakotay out."

"Maybe he’s decided to promote you to XO," Janeway suggested lightly.

"Very funny," Chakotay said and bent over to give her a quick kiss. "I’ll see you on the Bridge."

Bidding his friends farewell, Chakotay made his way out of the Mess Hall and to the Bridge. Crossing over to the Ready Room, he waited for Morgan’s summons before entering.

"Reporting as ordered, sir."

"Thank you for your promptness, Commander," Morgan replied, then released a heavy sigh. "There’s no easy way to say what I have to tell you, so I’ll just say it. The Cardassians launched a surprise attack on Dorvan V two days ago, resulting in the deaths of over half the colony’s population. I am sorry to say that both of your parents were among the casualties."

Chakotay’s bronze face visibly blanched, and he closed his eyes as if to ward off the implications of Morgan’s revelation. After a moment, he reopened them and posed a question to the captain in an oddly composed voice. "What about Tara and Gray Feather?"

"They’re in the medical center on Dorvan with minor injuries," Morgan told him.

"I’d like to see them."

"Of course. Effective immediately, you have been given two weeks personal leave to return to Dorvan V. I also made arrangements for Lieutenant Janeway to accompany you."

"Thank you, Captain."

"I am deeply sorry about your parents, Chakotay."

"So am I."

That evening, Janeway and Chakotay were in his quarters, ensconced on the couch as they dealt with the ramifications of Chakotay’s loss. After Morgan had delivered his grim news, Chakotay had isolated himself in his quarters, refusing entry to everyone but Janeway, wanting solitude for his grief. Janeway sat upright on the end of the couch, Chakotay’s head in her lap as he lay staring at the ceiling while she gently ran her hand though his hair. Other than a simple "I’m sorry" upon her arrival, Janeway had remained silent, knowing that her presence was of more comfort to Chakotay than whatever verbal condolences she could offer. Yet as time passed and he continued his mute scrutiny of the ceiling, she decided to make an attempt to break down his walls.

"It may help you to talk about it," she suggested softly.

"Or it may not," Chakotay countered.

Janeway fell silent again before making a second attempt. "It may help me for you to talk about it," she amended.

Chakotay shifted his gaze from the ceiling to her, anguish evident in his dark eyes. "I don’t know what you expect me to say, Kathryn. Talking about it won’t change what’s happened; having a temper tantrum or an emotional breakdown won’t bring my parents back."

"Of course not, but you have to allow yourself to grieve. Keeping all of your pain and anger bottled up inside you is only going to make it worse."

Chakotay sighed and sat up, then got to his feet. "I don’t think it can get any worse," he declared. "My parents are dead, Kathryn; murdered in cold blood because the Federation wants to make nice with Cardassia. They’ll never grow old together, never know our children, never see my sisters grow to adulthood and begin their own lives. Everything they ever were and could have been now has as much value as the dirt they’re buried under!"

"Your sisters are alive, Chakotay, and so are you. The three of you are a living legacy to everything your parents stood for: love, honor, integrity. As long as you hold to those values, your parents will always be with you."

"Somehow it doesn’t mean as much without them here to see it," Chakotay replied. "It hurts, Kathryn, so much. It’s like someone has taken a knife and carved out a piece of my heart."

Janeway got to her feet and walked over to embrace him. "I wish there were something I could do to make this better for you," she said.

"Just having you here is enough," Chakotay returned. "Stay with me tonight. I don’t want to be alone."

"I’m not going anywhere."

Some time later, Chakotay cried himself to sleep in Janeway’s arms.

DORVAN V

The day after his parents’ double funeral, Chakotay had arranged some private time with Janeway in order to tell her the one thing she had hoped never to hear. Wandering down to a local stream, Chakotay seated Janeway on a nearby log and informed her of his decision.

"I’ve sent my resignation to Captain Morgan," Chakotay announced, "and he’s going to forward it on to Starfleet Command."

"Don’t do this, Chakotay," Janeway pleaded. "Take a leave of absence if you have to, but don’t throw away your entire career over one tragedy."

"It’s not just about my parents’ murder, Kathryn. I’ve spent the last six months listening to the reports of the various Cardassian incursions into Federation space and the slaughters they resulted in. I’ve also watched as Starfleet Command turned a blind eye to those incursions in a pathetic attempt to preserve our treaty. My parents are dead because of Federation bureaucracy."

"So that’s it, then?" Janeway retorted angrily. "You’re just going to resign and turn your back on your career, and on us."

"I love you, Kathryn; I will until the day I die. But I cannot and will not continue to do nothing while Cardassians murder everyone they come across. Bajor, Dorvan V, Alamea…three planets lost at least half their inhabitants to a war that the Federation refuses to admit is happening. Well, it’s time to give them a wake-up call and remind the Cardassians who it is they’re dealing with."

"What if I said I wanted to come with you?"

"If I thought that were possible I would already have asked, But if you join the Maquis it will cause irreparable damage to your relationship with your father. I won’t be the knife that severs that bond."

Knowing from the tone of his voice that Chakotay’s mind was set, Janeway refrained from continuing the argument, and instead remained silent for a moment before speaking.

"Will I ever see you again?"

Chakotay gently cupped her face in his hands and forced her to meet his gaze, both of them with tears in their eyes.

"You and I will meet again, Kathryn Janeway," he vowed, "and when we do I won’t let you go a second time."

Pulling her to him, Chakotay kissed her as if he would never be able to do so again.

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Part 10