by Andra Marie Mueller
Disclaimer: Paramount is the legal owner of the characters of 'Star Trek: Voyager'. I just borrow them for my own nefarious purposes and to give them real lives
Kathryn Janeway was sequestered in her Ready Room, under the guise of reviewing the crew's latest medical reports provided by the Doctor. In reality, she was hoping to make herself invisible, wanting to get through the day and all it represented with as little ado as possible. She'd never been fond of acknowledging her birthday, and this one was no exception. Her self-imposed solitude lasted until just before lunch, when the door chime sounded. Stifling a sigh, Janeway bade her visitor enter, and Chakotay strolled inside.
"Good morning, Captain," he greeted cheerfully.
"Commander. What can I do for you?"
"The away team has finished storing the new food supplies in the hydroponics bay, and B'Elanna's requesting permission to put the ship on Gray Mode so she can run a Level Four diagnostic."
Janeway frowned. "Is there a problem?"
"Not at all," Chakotay assured her. "But it's been a while since Voyager had a complete work over, and B'Elanna wants to ensure the ship continues to run smoothly."
"Better safe than sorry," Janeway allowed. "Very well. Tell B'Elanna to go ahead and run the diagnostic. Have you arranged the crew rotations to cover the people who are taking shore leave?"
"They managed it on their own," Chakotay told her. "The crew members who wanted to have the day off traded holodeck time for duty shifts."
"What about you?"
"I was hoping to persuade you to play hooky and join me planetside for a couple of hours. Ensign Shell says the whole moon is like a tropical paradise."
"It's a tempting offer, Chakotay, but I'm afraid I'll have to take a rain check. I have about three weeks' worth of paperwork to catch up on."
"If it's waited three weeks already, another couple of hours won't make a difference," Chakotay countered. "Besides, all work and no play makes Kathryn an exhausted Captain."
Janeway released a heavy sigh. "It has been a while since I've had a chance to relax," she mused. "Somehow the holodeck just isn't doing it for me lately."
"All the more reason for you to enjoy the down time while you can," Chakotay pressed.
Janeway afforded him a brief glance. He's up to something, she mused silently. Aloud she queried, "Tropical paradise, you said?"
"Sun, sand and beautiful blue ocean for miles."
"Two hours," Janeway conceded, "and not a minute more."
"I'll meet you in the transporter room in fifteen minutes."
Fifteen minutes later, Chakotay was in the transporter room awaiting Janeway's arrival. Although surprised that she had conceded to come, he was not about to look a gift horse in the mouth. Ship's business had prevented them from spending any private time together in over a month, and Chakotay was determined to make the most of their day.
If the day goes as well as I hope, I may actually be able to give Kathryn her gift, he thought.
His train of thought dissolved when the doors swooshed open and Janeway strode into the room, looking quite stunning in a pale aqua sundress. Chakotay had opted for a pair of lightweight slacks and a white T-shirt.
"You look lovely, Kathryn," Chakotay said quietly.
Janeway blushed ever so slightly at the compliment, the appreciation in his tone making her name a verbal caress. "Thank you, Chakotay," she responded. "You don't look half-bad yourself."
The two exchanged a smile, then stepped onto the transporter pad as Janeway addressed the Ensign at the controls. "I've got a lot of work to do, Mister Kasdan, so I want to be transported back in exactly two hours," she instructed.
From behind her, Chakotay discreetly caught Kasdan's eye, and held up three fingers, obviously indicating that he should transport Janeway back in three hours, not two. Forcing himself not to smile, Kasdan gave a half nod of acknowledgement before shifting his attention to the control panel. "Have fun, sirs," he said.
"We will," Chakotay responded, earning him a curious look from Janeway as they disappeared in a shimmer of light.
The large sun blazed brightly in the sky overhead. Janeway and Chakotay were strolling along the beach, shoes in hand as the warm sand heated their bare feet. After a long walk through a nearby forest, they had wandered onto the beach, enjoying each other's company as they walked along the water's edge in companionable silence. It was Chakotay who at last broke the quiet, posing a question to Janeway. "Are you relaxed yet?" he asked.
Janeway smiled. "If I were any more relaxed, I'd curl up on the sand and take a nap," she responded. "I'd forgotten how good it feels to have real sunlight shining on my face."
"You may not think so when we get back to the ship and your nose is as red as your uniform," Chakotay teased.
"Not all of us are blessed with natural tanning abilities, Commander."
Chakotay smiled to himself before changing the subject "Have you decided what you want to do for your birthday party tonight?"
Janeway sighed. "I was wondering when you were going to bring that up," she replied wearily. "Actually, I'd rather skip it altogether."
"You can't be a no-show for your own party, Kathryn."
"Rank has its privileges."
"Why is it so difficult for you to let the crew demonstrate how much you mean to them?"
"I don't need a party to demonstrate my crew's respect for me, Chakotay. I can see it in the way they conduct themselves, personally and professionally. Besides, the last thing I need is another reminder that as of today, I am officially halfway to fifty."
"Turning forty-five isn't the end of the world, Kathryn."
Janeway sent him a knowing glance. "This from the man who issued a direct order on his own forty-fifth birthday last year that his age was not to be mentioned."
"It worked."
Janeway shook her head. "Stubborn is as stubborn does," she mumbled to herself.
"We should do this more often."
"Debate birthday protocol?"
"Spend time away from the crew."
"Kind of hard to do stuck on a starship a galaxy away from home."
"We have three holodecks."
"Each of which has allotted program time divided between over one hundred and forty crewmembers."
"You have an answer for everything, don't you?"
"That's why I'm Captain."
Chakotay snorted. "So I noticed," he grumbled, visibly bristling.
Janeway cast him a sideways glance. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing."
Janeway placed herself in his path, forcing him to stop and meet her gaze. "It's not `nothing.' Are you upset with me about something?"
"Upset?" Chakotay echoed. "Why should I be upset? Just because you've spent the last five years hiding behind your uniform and Starfleet protocol, choosing to ignore what was directly in front of your face, why should I be upset?"
"Chakotay, where is this coming from? I thought we were having a pleasant afternoon enjoying our shore leave, and suddenly it's turning into an argument."
"We were having a pleasant afternoon until I tried to talk about us," Chakotay snapped. "Then as usual, you let Captain Janeway replace Kathryn in the conversation."
"I wasn't aware they were two different people."
"Neither was I until New Earth."
"New Earth was a different lifetime, Chakotay," Janeway replied evenly. "We were facing the rest of our lives alone on an alien world with only each other for company. There was no one there who would have been affected by whatever choices we made about us."
"You're so certain that a personal relationship between us would adversely affect the rest of the crew?"
"I can't take the risk. I have a responsibility to these people to get them home."
"Does that include conveniently forgetting along the way that you're Human?"
"My needs are secondary to my crew's."
"It didn't seem that way when you were panting after Kashyk like a bitch in heat!"
Janeway reacted without thinking, lifting her hand to deliver a hearty slap across Chakotay's face. It was difficult to tell who was more stunned by the blow, Janeway or Chakotay, and they stared at one another in silence for a moment before the latter spoke again. "I'm sorry," he said simply. "That was uncalled for. But the bottom line is that I told you from the start we couldn't trust him; yet you ignored my warnings and dismissed my opinions because you were attracted to him and you thought I was jealous."
He paused then, controlled anger still evident in his expression and the coolness of his tone. She hesitated as well, overwhelmed by the intensity of his wrath.
So this is the angry warrior he alluded to on New Earth, she mused. It would seem I'm just as capable of enraging him as I am of pacifying him, so for both our sakes maybe I should stay with the latter. Aloud, she said, "Isn't it a little late for an `I told you so' speech?"
"It would seem it's a little late for a lot of things." His tone was calmer now, anger reluctantly giving way to resignation.
"It takes two to tango, Chakotay, and you were just as willing to do nothing about our relationship as I was."
"Because you asked me to when we returned from New Earth," Chakotay pointed out. "As I recall, your exact words were, `whatever was started on New Earth ends here for the sake of protocol.'"
"Saying those words to you was one of the hardest things I've ever done," Janeway admitted. "But I promised myself then that I wouldn't let anyone or anything distract me from my obligation to my crew."
Chakotay flashed her a sad smile. "Funny; when we returned from New Earth I promised myself that I would do everything in my power to make sure you didn't forget what we found there."
Janeway released a heavy sigh. "I don't know what it is you want from me, Chakotay."
"Obviously something you're unwilling to give, Captain," came the bitter response.
Turning on his heel, Chakotay headed back down the beach, feeling Janeway's gaze on him as he went.
The ship's corridors were late night quiet. Despite her best efforts to prevent it, the crew had thrown Janeway a lavish birthday party in holodeck one. Paris had taken it upon himself to plan the festivities, and the party had been appropriately raucous. Protocol dictated that the XO be present, so Chakotay had stayed just long enough to maintain appearances before making a discreet exit. His behavior was not lost on Janeway, but she was unwilling and unable to address the issue in a public forum.
It was several hours later when a weary Janeway finally managed to depart the holodeck and head for her quarters. Passing by Chakotay's door, she paused briefly, wondering if she should attempt to make up for their earlier argument. Given the late hour, however, she decided it was an issue best addressed after they had both gotten a full night's sleep. Entering her cabin, she crossed over to the replicator and ordered a cup of hot tea before retreating into her bedroom. She started for the bathroom when a flash of color caught her eye. On top of the dresser was a small package, wrapped in colored paper and bearing a small bow. Curiosity piqued, Janeway walked over to pick up the package. Removing the paper, she opened the box, finding inside a crystal red rose lying on top of a small note folded in half. Carefully removing the rose, she held onto it with one hand while opening the note with her other, and her eyes began to well with tears as she read the message.
Kathryn -
I know I usually give you the real thing, but they don't last long enough for you to truly enjoy them, so I compromised. The flower is made from a crystal called Selenite, which never fades or tarnishes, and is virtually indestructible. Somehow those qualities remind me of you.
There's an ancient legend among your people, that when a man gives a woman a red rose, it is to symbolize his love for her. So that is my gift to you today as you celebrate the anniversary of your birth. I hope it brings you even a fraction of the joy you've brought me.
Happy Birthday with Love,
Chakotay
Finishing the note, Janeway simply stood in place for a moment, trying to ignore the pain in her heart as tears streamed down her face. Shifting the note to the same hand as the rose, she made a valiant attempt to wipe the tears from her face.
"Oh, Chakotay..." she muttered aloud. "Why didn't you tell me?"
Replacing the rose in the box, the captain set it on top of the dresser as she addressed the computer. "Computer, where is Commander Chakotay?"
"Commander Chakotay is in the Mess Hall."
"Is anyone else there?"
"Negative."
Janeway quickly shed her uniform and changed into a casual, navy-blue silk pantsuit before exiting her quarters.
Chakotay stood by the window, gazing silently out at the passing stars. His argument with Janeway had cut deeply; pouring salt in the ever-festering wound that was reopened each time she refused to acknowledge what had developed between them. Lost in his own thoughts, he was unaware that he was the object of someone else's.
Janeway had found him standing by the window in the darkened, deserted Mess Hall, his handsome face grim as he stared into space. The slight swoosh caused by the opening of the doors had not registered, so she took advantage of his distraction to observe him.
He's hurting. Our argument this afternoon really upset him.
She had done this; driven him to seek refuge in shadows and solitary instead of sharing the celebration with friends. Truth be told, their disagreement over the handling of their personal relationship had injured Janeway as well. Five years of adhering to protocol and burying her own feelings was beginning to take its toll, and, recalling the message in Chakotay's note, she decided she had had enough.
Face it, Kathryn. You're in love with the man but you're too scared to admit it.
What exactly she was scared of she didn't know. There was the obvious fear that the relationship would fail, or that it would negatively affect the command structure. Not to mention what the crew would think, or Starfleet Command once they got home. And with all of the unknowns in the Delta Quadrant, the possibility that one would have to live without the other was all too real. Yet she also knew what she had gained by having him at her side. Through all of the ups and downs, arguments and agreements, failures and triumphs, Chakotay had never faltered in his loyalty to her. Watching the man she had come to know and cherish over the past five years, Janeway finally decided that living with him was immensely preferable to living without him, literally or figuratively.
Her decision made, Janeway walked over to stand beside him, coming to halt on his right side less than a foot away. Chakotay sensed rather than heard her approach, but said nothing, merely continuing his scrutiny of the stars. They stood in companionable silence for several moments until Janeway spoke first. "I've always enjoyed this view," she said. "Especially at night."
"It's always night in space," Chakotay responded.
Janeway let the light jab pass without comment. "You left the party rather early," she remarked. "Neelix was convinced he had inadvertently poisoned you with the cake."
Refuge in humor was a tactic Chakotay recognized all too well, and he permitted himself a small smile. "Actually, it wasn't half bad considering the source."
"I'm not sure if Neelix should be insulted or flattered."
"Did you seek me out at this hour to ascertain the well-being of the morale officer with the first officer?"
"I'm here because I got your gift."
The simple statement was met with silence, the air heavy with the implications of secrets now revealed, feelings now admitted. Janeway's tone allowed no indication as to what impact the gift had had, so Chakotay held his tongue, waiting for her to chart the course for the rest of their conversation.
"I'd like you to answer a question for me," Janeway requested, after a beat.
"If I can."
"Why did you replicate the rose?"
"I should think the note was self-explanatory."
"I was referring to your timing."
Chakotay hesitated for a moment before answering. "I've spent five years standing by your side, abiding by protocol and settling for friendship when I wanted so much more. But I finally reached a point where I wasn't going to settle anymore. The only way I was going to answer the questions rattling around in my brain was to tell you how I felt. "
"What questions were you asking yourself?"
Chakotay afforded her a brief glance. "I asked myself, `What would she do if I told her that I love her? What would she think? How would she feel?'"
Janeway graced him with the ghost of a smile. "She would feel honored, and touched. Maybe a little frightened."
"Of what?"
"Of allowing herself to love you. Allowing you to love her. Taking responsibility for that Angry Warrior who found his peace in her."
"As I recall, it was the Angry Warrior's responsibility to take care of her."
Janeway's smile widened. "I stand corrected."
"We could have had this conversation in the morning," Chakotay pointed out. "Or not at all in view of our fight this afternoon."
"You and I have never been afraid of having a good fight, Chakotay. It's the making up we seem to stumble through."
"So which are we doing now? Making up or stumbling through?"
"I can only speak for myself, but right now my stance feels fairly steady."
"I'm feeling rather sturdy myself."
Brown met blue. The two exchanged a faint smile of silent understanding, holding each other's gaze for a moment before Janeway spoke again.
"I'm sorry about this afternoon."
"So am I. Arguing with you about us wasn't exactly how I wanted you to spend your birthday."
"As long as we're on the subject, how did you manage to smuggle the rose into my quarters?" Janeway inquired.
"I used my security code to override the door lock," Chakotay confessed.
"When? It wasn't there when I returned from shore leave."
"I put it in your quarters while you were at your party. I knew you'd find it when you turned in for the night, but I wasn't expecting you to seek me out until the morning."
"I hadn't planned on addressing our argument until tomorrow, but after I read your note I needed to see you," Janeway replied. "Why didn't you tell me you were in love with me?"
"I told you more with my actions than a thousand words could have expressed," Chakotay answered quietly.
"But I was too blinded by protocol to see it," Janeway added. "My father used to say that 'there are none so blind as those who cannot see.' I never understood what he meant until now."
"Why are you here, Kathryn?" Chakotay prompted softly. "Why did you `need' to see me after you read my note?"
"To acknowledge your gift. To apologize for failing to see past my own fears and protocol to realize how you felt. To tell you what I should have told you a long time ago. I love you."
An indefinable emotion flickered across Chakotay's handsome face for the briefest of moments before vanishing. "Just like that?"
"Just like that. I know what my life was like before you were a part of it, Chakotay, and I know what it's been like since you've been a part of it. There's really no contest."
"You make it sound so simple."
"When it comes to you there's no such thing," Janeway said wryly. "You and I have hit a few bumps along our path, personally and professionally, but there's no one else I'd rather have at my side."
"What about your concerns over the crew's reaction?"
"Something tells me that I'm making more of this than they will. And I have it on good authority that Tom's been running a pool on us since before we were quarantined on New Earth."
"Harry told you."
The remark was a statement rather than a question, and Janeway quirked one delicate eyebrow in surprise. "How did you know my source was Harry?"
"Who do you think made him tell you?"
Janeway shook her head. "Sometimes I think your only real concession to Starfleet protocol is to wear the uniform," she replied.
"I wear it for you, Kathryn, not Starfleet."
A simple statement; the implications behind it anything but. Blue met brown. Windows to the soul once closed now opened and shone with obvious adoration, old fears fading in the light of new hopes.
"I love you."
"I love you. And happy birthday."
"Now that we're friends again, I should thank you properly for my gift."
"I'm a firm believer that actions speak louder than words."
"Than listen carefully."
Sliding her arms around his neck, Janeway pulled Chakotay down to meet her kiss.
The End.