by Andra Marie Mueller
Disclaimer: Paramount is the legal owner of the characters of 'Star Trek: Voyager'. I just borrow them for my own nefarious purposes and to give them real lives
"I love you."
"I see."
One auburn eyebrow arched in open curiosity. "That's all you have to say?" she prompted. "'I see'?"
"I suppose you expected me to reciprocate the emotion."
"To be honest I was under the impression you already did."
Chakotay snorted. "Honest...an odd choice of words coming from you."
A second eyebrow arched to match its companion. "Care to elaborate?"
Brown met blue. "I don't think you want to go down that road."
"Think again."
"Fine."
Chakotay got to his feet and strode to the center of the room, taking a moment to gather his thoughts before turning to face her. "All right, Kathryn; let's start with our tenure on New Earth. When we returned to the ship you made it perfectly clear that what had transpired there had no more significance to you than an extended vacation."
"That's not true..." Kathryn interrupted defensively.
"Isn't it?" Chakotay snapped. "Do the words 'nothing is more important to me than adhering to protocol and getting this crew home' ring a bell?"
The expression on the captain's face made it obvious Chakotay had hit his target, the curiosity in her features shifting to irritation. She remained silent, however, sensing that his tirade had only just begun. She was right.
"Then there was the incident with Q, when you told him that there was nothing between us. Was that for his benefit or yours? And let's not forget the shuttle crash when the alien entity invaded your mind and forced you to live through your own 'death'. You dismissed my anxiety over the incident rather lightly, assuming that a couple of hours on the holodeck would erase the agony I had felt." He began to pace then, hands flaying to and fro as he continued. "Not to mention our disagreement over the alliance with the Borg; the first time I openly disagreed with one of your decisions and suddenly you were treating me like a leper. Oh - did I mention our dinner the night before the slipstream attempt? You were in fine form that evening, all warmth and affection; the light flirting during the meal was a nice touch, too. And let's not forget your 'affair' with your holographic Irishman."
"At the time I didn't feel as though I had a choice," Kathryn retorted. "Allowing myself to develop an intimate relationship with you would have brought every command decision I made about you into question, personally and professionally. I had enough to deal with without having to worry if the crew thought I was giving you preferential treatment because you were my lover."
"Isn't that exactly what you did six months ago when you refused to delete the Fair Haven program to save Tom and Harry?" Chakotay countered. "Had your feelings for Michael not been an issue, you would have deleted the program yourself before allowing it to jeopardize a member of your crew. Yet you were unwilling to do that because you didn't want to give up your personalized six foot vibrator."
The captain reacted without thinking and lifted her hand to strike Chakotay across the face. "You bastard!" she hissed.
"Bitch!" Chakotay shot back.
He paused a moment to rein in his anger, casting her a disgusted glare but nonetheless willing himself to stop ranting before he completely severed the tenuous bond that still existed between them. Yet her revelation of her feelings for him had triggered an anger he wasn't aware existed, and now was helpless to control. Had she pulled rank or attempted to defend herself, he would have stopped in an instant. But she sat there in stoic silence, her expression unreadable as she allowed him to target her with his wrath.
"Every time we took a step forward, we took ten steps backward. Why? Because you wanted it that way. You were so afraid of allowing yourself to be Kathryn once in a while instead of Captain Janeway that you were practically suffocating yourself in Starfleet regulations. Every overture I made was rejected; any attempt to reveal my feelings was ignored. I got tired of being cut off at every turn, Kathryn, tired if sustaining myself on whatever morsels of affection you tossed my way. So I accepted that you could never love me and moved on, settling for friendship and hating myself for being willing to do so. But now here you are, confessing your love for me as casually as you would discuss the weather and expecting me to fall at your feet in gratitude. Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you."
Chakotay finished his tirade and fell silent, the anger in his features dissipating as he awaited Kathryn's reaction. She stared at him for several moments, her midnight blue eyes glistening with unshed tears. My God...what have I done? she wondered. A single tear escaped to trickle down her cheek, and she wiped it away before responding. "I'm sorry, too. I had no idea you hated me this much."
"I don't hate you, Kathryn," Chakotay corrected quietly, "although frankly there are times I wish I could. For so long I convinced myself that I could love you enough to wait, thinking that with time and patience I could convince you to give us a chance. But as the weeks turned to months and the months turned to years, I realized I was clinging to a fantasy; and as much as it hurt, I was beginning to believe that you were right. A personal relationship between us wouldn't work - the ramifications to our professional relationship too great to risk if we screwed things up. Yet just when I was finally beginning to move on with my life; just when I had stopped pretending that any woman I was with was you, you utter three little words and send me into an emotional tailspin. So my question to you is why?"
Kathryn released a heavy sigh. "I'm not sure, exactly. On some level I've loved you for a long time, but as you pointed out I was too busy hiding behind protocol to admit it. We've both had other...liaisons...but nothing that compared to what we began on New Earth. Part of me was worried that I wasn't strong enough to balance a personal and professional relationship with you, that it would detract from my abilities to command this ship. Yet it eventually occurred to me that the feelings were already there, and denying them was only causing both of us unnecessary pain. I suppose I finally just reached a point where I realized that loving you didn't mean sacrificing my obligation to this crew."
"And naturally you assumed that your belated admission would send me into spasms of joy. News flash, Kathryn; I'm not a dog that will come running whenever you beckon. I'm a human being with feelings, a fact which seems to have slipped past you while you were busy defining the parameters of our personal relationship, or rather lack thereof."
Kathryn nodded once in silent acquiescence and got to her feet. "I'm sorry that I handled this so badly, Chakotay; all of this. Obviously my own arrogance blinded me to the reality that you have moved on, so now it appears I need to do the same. Thank you for dinner. I'll see you in the morning."
She left his quarters without another word.
Sleep was elusive that evening, for both of them. After leaving Chakotay's quarters, Kathryn had returned to her own and retreated into her bedroom to cry in solitude. Regret and guilt and anger all warred within her following Chakotay's enraged reaction to her confession of love, leaving her numb in their aftermath.
As for Chakotay, he had regretted his explosion as soon as Kathryn had left his cabin. Her unexpected declaration had frightened him, which he in turn chose to cover with anger. Yet once his initial rage had passed, he mentally reviewed Kathryn's behavior over the last six years and realized she had not been as indifferent to him as she had led him to believe. She had wielded her rank as her weapon of choice in the battle between emotions and protocol, just as he had used words as his weapon of choice between his fears and his hopes. In retrospect, he recognized the distance she had placed between them for what it was; her valiant attempt to hand onto the rules she lived by now that she had found something else to live for. Now he lay in bed in his darkened cabin, staring at the ceiling and fervently hoping he had not done permanent damage to their friendship.
Way to go, Old Man, he chided himself. She finally tells you what you've been waiting six years to hear and you practically spit in her face.
Stifling a frustrated sigh, he tossed the covers aside and crawled out of bed. Exchanging his sleepwear for his regulation T-shirt and uniform slacks, Chakotay wandered into the living room, intending to take a stroll around the ship to clear his mind. But the sight of the still uncleared dinner setting stopped him in his tracks, and he stared at it for a moment before exiting his cabin.
Having long ago abandoned any pretense of getting to sleep, Kathryn sat on her couch, absently reviewing a data PADD while sipping at a lukewarm mug of coffee. When it dawned on her that she had read the same report three times, she released a resigned sigh and tossed the PADD onto the couch beside her.
What a fool I am, she thought bitterly.I was so certain that he still loved me I managed to reopen a wound he had finally allowed to heal.
Getting to her feet, she wandered over to the replicator and was about to order a refill on her coffee when the door chimed. Wondering who it could be at such a late hour, she walked over to open the door and discovered Chakotay standing in the hallway.
"Chakotay..."
Noticing her slightly swollen and red-rimmed eyes, he realized that she had obviously spent a good part of the night crying, and a wave of guilt so strong it was nearly tangible washed over him. At the same time he noticed she was attired in sleepwear - a pair of white silk mock men's pajamas - and flashed her a sheepish smile.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you up."
"You didn't."
"I know it's late, but there's something else I need to talk to you about. May I come in?"
Kathryn wordlessly stepped aside to allow him entry and he walked into the middle of the room.
"I was about to replicate myself a refill of my coffee," she said. "Would you like some?"
"No, thank you."
The captain crossed over to the replicator and ordered her coffee, than took a tentative sip as she walked back over to stand in front of Chakotay. "What can I do for you, Commander?"
Commander. His rank. Weapons of choice.
"I wanted to apologize for my outburst earlier. My temper got the best of me and I said some things I shouldn't have. I'm sorry."
Kathryn managed a small smile. "No need to apologize for being honest," she replied. "Sometimes the truth hurts."
Chakotay flinched at her remark, knowing the casual indifference in her tone masked the pain he knew she was feeling. "Hurting you wasn't my intent," he said gently. "I just wasn't expecting you to admit your feelings for me and when you did I simply...exploded. Unfortunately my anger overrode my better judgement. I obviously can't deny that I've harbored some resentment over the way our relationship has failed to progress on a personal level, but that is no excuse for the way I attacked you."
"Words are powerful weapons," she allowed. "Maybe we both just need to exercise more caution in which ones we chose to wield."
"Maybe we do."
"Truce?"
"Truce."
Kathryn twisted around to place her mug on the coffee table, then turned back to face Chakotay and extended her hand. He took it in his and they shook hands, but when she attempted to pull hers away he suddenly tightened his grip, his face creasing into a gentle smile. "You were wrong earlier," he said softly. "I haven't moved on. Despite my anger, and resentment, and resignation; nothing's changed. I still wake up every morning wishing you were beside me; I still relish the warmth of your smile, the feel of your hand in mine. I still love you."
Kathryn's eyes filled with tears as she said shakily, "Chakotay..."
Chakotay wordlessly pulled her to him and embraced her in a fierce hug, burying his face against her neck as his own eyes watered. "I am so sorry..."
"No more apologies, from either of us."
"I love you."
"I know. I love you, too."
They stood that way for an indeterminate length of time, feelings their hearts beating in tandem as Chakotay gently ran a hand up and down her back. Finally he released his desperate hold on her and stepped back just far enough to meet her gaze. "Are you all right?" he asked.
"I am now."
Chakotay smiled, and lifted his hand to lightly caress her cheek. Kathryn closed her eyes at the sensation, feeling a wave of desire course through her. Opening her eyes, Kathryn held his gaze as she lifted her hand to mirror his caress, lightly tracing his tattoo, then the contours of his face. Her fingers lingered on his mouth, prompting him to lift his other hand to clasp hers and press a kiss to her palm. The reverence of the gesture caused her eyes to again well with tears, one of which spilled over to trickle down her cheek, and Chakotay gently wiped it away with his thumb. "It's late," he said softly. "I should go."
Blue met brown, adoration shining in their depths. "Stay."
"Kathryn..."
Releasing his hold on her hand, Chakotay cupped her face in his hands and lowered his head to kiss her. Kathryn had imagined what their first kiss would be like, her fantasies ranging from romantic to ridiculous, but nothing had prepared her for the real thing. At the first touch of his lips on hers, every nerve in her body suddenly sprang to life, seemingly turning the blood in her veins to liquid fire. Kathryn immediately slid her arms around his neck and pulled him closer, prompting him to deepen the kiss. A few moments later he broke off their kiss just long enough to bend down and slide an arm behind her knees, then lifted her into his arms and started for the bedroom as his mouth reclaimed hers. He stopped at the foot of the bed, setting her on her feet and releasing a small groan as her body slid down his, earning him a throaty chuckle from Kathryn.
"That's going to cost you, my love," he cautioned.
"I hope so," came her reply.
Pressing a kiss to the nape of her neck, his released his hold on her arms and began to unbutton her top, placing light kisses down her chest as he did so. Deciding turnabout was fair play, Kathryn tugged his shirt out from the waistband of his pants and slid her hands underneath to run them along his chest. The smooth, well-muscled skin was warm to her touch, and she gently ran her thumbs across his nipples before pulling the shirt off of him as her top fell to the floor.
His mouth covered hers, tongues tasting and dancing as he divested her of the rest of her clothing before shedding his own. Their first full body contact sent flames of desire shooting through them, and Chakotay paused then to look at her for the first time, his admiring gaze producing an answering rush of wetness between her thighs.
"You are so beautiful…" he murmured.
Pulling her into his embrace, he placed a series of light kisses across her throat and down her chest as they sank onto the bed, where his mouth claimed the erect tip of one of her breasts. The sensation elicited an answering moan from Kathryn, who threaded her hands through his hair as he suckled, his tongue lavishing the rosy peak while his hands explored elsewhere. One hand rested on her other breast; the thumb brushing against the nipple as his teeth gently tugged on the one in his mouth. His free hand slowly trailed down one slim hip before making its way to the juncture between her thighs, finding her warm and wet. Careful not to lose his hold on her breast, Chakotay slowly slid two fingers deep into her folds, feeling an answering rush of wetness as her muscles contracted around him.
"Oh, God...Chakotay...please..."
Reluctantly abandoning her breast, he continued to stroke her core as he trailed a series of wet kisses down her belly before replacing his hand with his mouth. At the first flick of his tongue against her pulsing clitoris, she arched against him, clutching at his hair while he brought her closer and closer to the edge. Her moans now barely audible whimpers, Chakotay continued his ministrations, his hands teasing her nipples while his tongue lavished her most sensitive spot. A gentle tug on her clit with his teeth sent her flying into oblivion, her body shuddering with the force of her climax as her world shattered into a thousand pieces. The final contractions had yet to subside when she felt his erection press against her, and she lifted her hips impatiently, desperate to feel him inside of her. Positioning his hands on either side of her head, Chakotay claimed her mouth in a searing kiss as he at last slid inside of her, the feel of her warmth pulsing around him nearly producing his climax right there. Meeting her gaze, he slowly began to move within her, relishing the play of emotions across her face. They moved in tandem, their bodies mating in perfect harmony, until Kathryn let out a strangled cry and arched against him, reaching a second soul shattering climax a split second before Chakotay. Afterwards, too exhausted to move and overwhelmed by the intensity of their combined responses, they simply lay in one another's embrace in companionable silence before eventually drifting off to sleep.
Chakotay was the first to awaken, momentarily disoriented by his unfamiliar surroundings and the feel of a warm body pressed to his. Glancing down, he discovered Kathryn spooned against him, still asleep. Remembrance hit him then - of their argument, their confrontation, and their extraordinary night of lovemaking. They had come together several times over the course of the night, each time as incredibly passionate as the first. Smiling contentedly, Chakotay leaned over to press a gentle kiss to her temple.
I wanted to be strong enough to say no to you, he mused. Thank the Spirits that I wasn't.
Kathryn chose that moment to stir, slightly shifting in her sleep and releasing a deep breath before opening her eyes. Discovering her lover already awake and watching her, she flashed him an affectionate smile. "Hi."
"Hi yourself."
"Sleep well?"
"Hmm…very well."
He leaned over to give her a brief kiss, then brushed a stray hair from her forehead. "Quite a night we had," he replied casually.
Kathryn smiled. "Before or after our fight?" she asked mischievously.
Chakotay returned the smile. "Both."
Her smile widened. "Next time why don't we just skip the fight and go straight to the making up part?"
He chuckled. "Sounds good to me."
"Promise me something."
"Anything."
"Promise me that we'll never have another fight like the one we had last night. I don't think either one of us could survive it."
Blue met brown. Gazing at her anxious expression, Chakotay felt a wave of love so strong it made his heart skip a beat and it took him a moment to find his voice. "I promise."
Kathryn smiled again. "I love you."
"I love you."
"So where do we go from here?" Chakotay asked. "Discretion is the better part of valor, but the idea of sneaking around the ship at all hours of the night trying to keep our relationship a secret from the crew quite frankly holds very little appeal."
"I have no intention of keeping it a secret. We're perfectly capable of keeping our personal relationship from interfering with our professional one."
"Then I guess that means no foreplay on the Bridge?"
Kathryn swatted him with a pillow.
The End.