101 Gifts for Philes

101. FBI Badge
100. 32 mm and holster
99. Lifetime subscription to "The Lone Gunmen"
98. Alien fingerprinting kit
97. Portable chemistry set
96. Latex gloves and surgical mask
95. Surgical instruments
94. Microscope
93. Slides and petrie dishes
92. Lifetime subscription to "Playboy"
91. Alien language translator
90. Radiation suit
89. Geiger counter
88. Test tubes and tweezers
87. Radiation-proof containers
86. Telescope and pair of binoculars (for spotting UFO's)

85-82 (for recording sightings of and interviews with extraterrestrials)
85. Camcorder
84. Camera
83. Extra film and tapes
82. Tape recorder

81. Fast food diner card
80. Smoke detector
79. "No smoking" sign
78. Parachute (just in case your plane is caught in an alien tractor beam)
77. Homing implant extraction kit
76. One over-active imagination
75. One rational, scientific mind
74. Roach traps and bee-repellant
73. Cellular telephone, pre-programmed with your partner's telephone number
72. LOTS of frequent-flyer miles
71. Polygraph device
70. Classified documents snitched from conspiracy Congressman's desk
69. One alien embryo
68. Poster of "Bambi" (NOT the deer)
67. One pair of chic sunglasses, expensive tailored suit, and straight-laced boots
66. One monkeysuit and conservative tie
65. One dog-eared copy of "Moby Dick"
64. Apollo 11 pin
63. One well-thumbed through "Hitch-hiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
62. One copy of Oliver Stone's "JFK"
61. Little black book for keeping track of top-secret contacts
60. Roadmaps for every state in the US
59. A year's supply of "Milky Way" candybars
58. A year's worth of unlimited psychic hotline calls
57. Star charts
56. Immunizations for all kinds of bizarre viruses, discovered and undiscovered
55. High-powered flashlight with extra batteries
54. A year's supply of Chinese carryout
53. Bullet-proof vest (not for you -- for the important witnesses you meet that keep getting killed!)
52. Alien language translator
51. Cold-freezer for corpses (cadavers optional)
50. TV mind-control blocker
49. Lone Gunmen's home phone number and address(warning. . .this is subject to frequent change owing to extreme paranoia)
48. One NICAP hat
47. Russian-English dictionary
46. Tarot cards and ouija board
45. One clear, unbreakable, sealed container with Martian rock and accompanying bacteria inside
44. One Pomeranian puppy (alligator bait)
43. Scuba lessons (to increase proficiency in underwater UFO hunts)
42. Alien aircraft flying lessons (just in case you actually happen to get INSIDE one of those babies!)
41. One battered green knapsack
40. Basketball hoop and NBA basketball (for rare moments of spare time)
39. One free hour with expert hypnotist (past lives optional)
38. Pilfered B-rated alien abduction novers, reeking of cigarette smoke
37. Appearance on national talk show with the following topics: "I was abducted by aliens," "I had a close encounter with an extraterrestrial," and "I thought I saw an alien spacecraft; it turned out to be the Goodyear blimp"
36. Shooting target with picture of Krycek and matching dartboard
35. Deluxe set of Cancerman, Well-Manicure Man, and Krycek punching bags
34. PK meter and proton pack (OOPS! Wrong show. . .then again, this IS The X-Files.)
33. DNA test kit
32. Handcuffs
31. Computer and fax machine (access code to the "Mary Jane" files and Navajo dictionary optional)

For the reader:
30. The Golden Guide to Crop Circles
29. Inter-Galactic Languages/Dialects for Dum-Dums
28. Traveller's Guide to the Bermuda Triangle
27. I was an Alien Lab Experiment (and the sequel, I was a Government Experiment)
26. The World Book of Documented UFO Encounters
25. 101 Ways to Starve off Boredom During LONG Plane Trips
24. The COMPLETE List of Signs that YOU Might be an Alien Abductee
23. Complete Picture Guide to Alien Fingerprints
22. Cloning: Fact and Fiction
21. Understanding the Motives Behind Government Conspiracies (produced by a secret government department, so you KNOW the truth won't be in here!)
20. Cracking Government Conspiracies (see above)
19. Stop Smoking in 10 EZ Steps
18. My Sister was Abducted by Aliens
17. What You Never Knew about the Russian Prison System
16. All you Ever Wanted to Know about Past Lives
15. I Hitched a Ride on Hale-Bopp and Now I'm Back to Tell You about it
14. Discover your Psychic Potential
13. How to Write a Publishable Alien Abduction/Government Conspiracy
12. Unsolved Mysteries Video Library
11. The Peacock Family Tree (all ONE branch of it!) With shocking color photos! (Don't eat while you read this one)
10. Mind Control Made Easy (Foreward written by "Pusher")
9. Astral Projection for the Paranormally Gifted
8. Escape-Artist's Guide to Foiling the FBI
7. Introduction to Encrytion Code Cracking
6. Psychic Photography for Howler-Infested Minds
5. Extraterrestrials I Have Known
4. The AAA Guide to Chinese Restaurants
3. Between a Rock and a Cigarette-Reeking Hard Place: Confessions of an Assistant Director (guess who wrote it)
2. Debunking Paranormal Hysteria and Exposing Clever Hoaxes (Foreward written by Dana Scully)
1. In Defense of a Little Paranoia (Foreward written by Fox Mulder)

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