Again

May 4, 2006

I pulled up to my office in a fairly good mood for once. Being a manager is pretty stressful, but I've handled it well for the past six years. What started out as a side project from *NSYNC became one of the biggest labels in Nashville. I moved FreeLance headquarters here early in 2002, not long after we split as a group. JC came with me, but that was a mistake from day one. Our relationship changed for the worse. I was always working and he kept flying to New York to produce songs for several artists, or so he said. I started suspecting that he was having an affair when it got to him going up there once a week. We were still in love, but the lack of time in our relationship strained it. Every second we spent together, as rare as it was, we fought. But I thought we would be able to overcome it, until one day when I came home from work to a virtually empty house and a note on the coffee table:

     Lance,
     I know things haven't been picture perfect between us the last over several months, and I'm sorry
     about everything. However, I don't want to give up my other love- music. The last few times I flew
     to New York weren't for producing. I received a recording contract from Sony Records, and I'm
     going to be singing again. I'm really sorry I didn't tell you this in person, but I hardly ever saw you.
     I promise to call you as soon as I get settled in.
     Love,
     JC

Needless to say, I was stunned by the way he broke up with me. But what hurt me the most was that it was exactly two years ago today- my twenty-fifth birthday- that it happened, and he didn't even wish me a happy birthday. I decided that night, while crying myself to sleep, that I would forever hate JC Chasez. The first six months after he left he kept trying to call me, but never once did I answer or return his messages. By that time I was over JC and ready to start dating again. But every man I would meet I got a little too possessive of. The media never noticed anyway: as far as they knew, I had been seeing Meredith for the last year and a half. We were so close in the spotlight that people had started speculating when I would pop the question.

Walking into my office I was greeted by my secretary Angela. "Happy birthday, Lance!" she said. "How does it feel to be 27?"

"Not much different than 26 felt. Why, you worried about turning 27 next month, yourself?"

She laughed and handed me an envelope. Inside was a card signed by everyone in the office. But what caught my eye were the few slips of paper in the card. "What's this, Ang?" I asked.

"Well, Lance, I decided that with all the time you put into work that you deserve to have the afternoon and evening off. So I made lunch reservations for you, your parents, and Stacey at The Merchants, followed by a ferry ride on the river. Then after that, you have a ticket to a concert this evening that I know you'll love."

I was overwhelmed with all the effort Angela put into planning the day for me, but parts of it sounded a little suspicious. "Ang, all of this is great. I don't know what I'd do without you," I replied.

"But don't you want to know who you're going to see tonight?" she asked.

"I guess that would help. Who's playing tonight?"

Angela's face lit up as the words I least expected came out of her mouth. "It's JC Chasez!"

My mouth dropped open. How could he? The bastard was coming back here two years after he walked out of my life? I didn't even know he was on tour. Whenever his songs came on the radio I immediatley changed the station. He was nominated for a Grammy for Best Male Performance this year, which meant we were in the same room (I accompanied Meredith, who finally won her first). I somehow managed to avoid him, although I did run into Justin and Britney. They finally got married last year and are expecting their first child soon. I apologized for missing their wedding (I told them I had meetings that week...really it was just avoiding JC that I didn't want to attend). They told me that JC was happy now that he was in the spotlight again. Good for him to be having the time of his life while murdering mine.

"Earth to Lance! You still there?" Angela asked.

I jumped, then remembered where I was. "Yeah, Ang. I'll be in my office if anybody calls. And, uh, thanks for the present."

As I headed into my office, the last thing I heard Angela say before my door closed was, "No problem, I just hope you get what you want today."

All morning I couldn't concentrate on working. The only thoughts running through my mind involved JC. We were together for five years, but every memory had been wiped out when he left. All I could think of now was the fun we had together: goofing off with Chris, Joey, and Justin, touring the country, the phenomenon we became after No Strings Attached came out and the final blast we had with Celebrity. We stuck together during my illness, our lawsuit with Transcon, and Chris and Dani's breakup. We celebrated when we heard about selling 2 million records in a week, Joey introduced us to Brianna, and when we bought our house in Nashville. My house. There has been no our for two years.

Lunch with my family was a welcome relief from the nightmare of this morning. Stacey brought me pictures made by my twin nieces Alexis and Taylor. Mom and Dad bought some books that I had been wanting to read. Angela had even paid for a birthday cake that the server brought us. After lunch we boarded the ferry for a quiet afternoon travelling on the river. However, my thoughts about JC returned quickly after we boarded, and my mother was fast to notice.

"Honey, is everything okay?" she asked.

"Not really, Mom. I just found out that JC's in town performing tonight and Angela gave me a ticket to his show."

She sighed, "Oh, James. I know that he is the last person you want to see today, but maybe you should go to the concert."

"Why, Mama? So I can find out why he decided to ruin my life? That's not going to work. If I ever see him again it's not going to be pretty."

"She's right, little bro," Stacey cut in. "If Ford ever left me the way Josh left you, then came back to town, I'd want to go to see him again. You two have a great history and I hate seeing you even throw your friendship away because he wanted to move on with his career."

"Stace, you don't understand. JC and I hardly ever talked after we moved up here. He always flew to New York and I went to work. He didn't tell me he wanted to go back to singing, and I was shocked that he chose it over me."

"I doubt he really chose singing over you, James," my mom said. "I think he just missed it more than you knew. But Josh would never have left you out of his life."

I still wasn't sure if she was right. "Then why didn't he tell me until he left? And why on my birthday, too?"

"Those questions can only be answered if you go to his concert. So will you go, just to find the answers out?"

"I guess, Mama." I still didn't want to, though. The though of seeing JC and talking to him wasn't appealing, but it would get everyone off my back.

I pulled into the Langford Auditorium parking lot worrying about what could happen. The worst case scenario would probably be that JC doesn't acknowledge me if he sees me. But what if he wants to start our relationship again? I don't know if I would want the same thing. What was I worrying about anyway? He probably has a man (or God forbid, a woman) in his life. I figured I needed some alcohol in order to think things over. The girl behind the bar must have noticed how stressed I was about the concert and asked, "You must not want to be here much."

"Is it that obvious? My secretary gave me a ticket for my birthday today and I don't really want to see JC."

"See JC? What do you- oh! You're Lance Bass!" she exclaimed.

Great, now I have a teeny who never grew up on my hands. "Yes I am," I said, turning on the southern charm. "And you are?"

"Dani," she answered. "I have loved you since the beginning of *NSYNC and never stopped. Would you mind signing an autograph for me?"

"Sure," I said while grabbing one of the cocktail napkins. Dani fixed me a rum and Coke (better to start off slow in case things don't turn out well tonight) and she handed it to me.

"So, how long were you two together?" she suddenly asked.

The question shocked me. "Excuse me?"

Dani giggled. "You and JC. How long did you two date? A lot of fans could tell the attraction no matter how hard you all tried to hide it."

Figures, it was another one of those fans that knew the truth. Angela was one of them, but she never asked questions about the relationship. I couldn't exactly ignore the question, though. "About five years. We haven't spoken in two, though."

"Wow, I'm sorry to hear that. But at least you were gracious enough to come support him tonight."

We talked a bit more, and she told me about the almost cult-like following for our relationship. Before we knew it we started hearing music coming from inside the auditorium. "You better get in there and get your man back," Dani said. And for the first time in two years, I had to agree with her.

Walking into the theater I looked at the stage and my breath caught in my chest. JC was up there looking better than I had remembered. His hair was lighter and down to the top of his neck. He was dressed in khakis and a red sleeveless shirt, showing of the muscular arms I let hold me for five great years. I realized that I was falling for him again, just like I had when I first went to Orlando.

"How is everyone tonight?" he asked the audience, mainly older teenagers and twenty-somethings who remembered his boy-band days...but still as loud as when we left the scene. After the screams died down he went on with his speech, "It's great to be back here in Nashville. This place holds a lot of memories for me and I wanted to come back and relive them tonight." Something in me said that he must have known I was there.

The concert in itself was pretty good. Then again, considering who the star was, it was incredible. JC sang lots of songs from his album mixed in with some *NSYNC classics. Towards the end of the show he pulled out a stool and sat down to make a speech.

"This next song," he started, "means a lot to me. I was in love for a long time, but I messed up and made the biggest mistake of my life two years ago. So I would like to dedicate this to the person I hurt, in hope that they will forgive me." The band director cued to start the music and I about fell out of my seat when the familiar chords hit my ears. JC started singing and every bad thought of him I had over the last two years left my mind with the first word.

"When the visions around you
Bring tears to your eyes
And all that surrounds you
Are secrets and lies
I'll be your strength
I'll give you hope
Keeping your faith when it's gone
The one you should call
Was standing here all along"

When JC reached the chorus of the song everyone in the arena was singing with him, including me. This was probably the most emotional I had seen him while singing. By the time he hit the last "This I promise you," I was crying. And I was in love with JC Chasez again. But first I wanted answers as to why he ran off, so I decided to head backstage. Security gave me a hard time, but finally they let me into his dressing room.

I knocked on the door, hoping that everything would go smoothly. The first thing I heard from inside was, "Who is it?"

"Josh? It's me."

"Lance?" He opened the door and I about passed out. He looked even more amazing than before, wearing just a wifebeater and jeans. We stood there for a couple minutes before he broke the silence. "Why don't you come on in?"

I entered the room and sat down on the couch with him. It was tense for a while, until JC asked, "How have you been?"

"How do you think I've been? You left me on my birthday with no notice!"

"I know, and I'm sorry about that. They wanted me to start recording my album on the sixth, so I had no other choice."

That dididn't explain much to me. "So fucking what? You still could have told me!"

"Lance," he said, "you know we were having trouble with our relationship. I figured this was for the better...but it wasn't."

"What do you mean by that?"

"You don't know how miserable I was after leaving. I thought I would be able to move on, especially since you wouldn't even answer my phone calls. But by the end of the year I was suffering from depression. I missed you, Lance, I missed you so much. But I figured you had moved on with your life, running FreeLance and enjoying not having me there."

"Josh," I interrupted, "the day you left was the worst day of my life, not to mention my birthday. I cried for weeks afterwards, not wanting to go on. But I did, thinking that's what you'd want me to do. And every man I met I judged to you. It didn't work out and I missed you. I figured you would have your groupies and not once think about me."

"I thought about you all the time. Everyone I dated, I kept seeing you. Your eyes, your hair, your personality. It drove me crazy, and I had to come back here tonight to fix everything."

I was surprised by how emotional he got at that point. "So did you?" I asked.

"You tell me," he said while leaning towards me. Our lips met and I forgave him for everything. The kiss lasted a good minute before we pulled away.

"I guess it is fixed," I answered. "I love you, Josh, and I'll never stop."

"I love you too, Lance," JC said kissing me again. "Happy birthday...25, 26, and 27, since I missed them."

And believe me, this day turned out to be three birthdays rolled into one.

I heard from a friend today and she said you were in town
Suddenly the memories came back to me in my mind
How can I be strong I've asked myself
Time and time I've said
That I'll never fall in love with you again

A wounded heart you gave, my soul you took away
Good intentions you have many, I know you did
I come from a place that hurts, and God knows how I've cried
And I never want to return, never fall again

Making love to you never felt so good and ooh, so right
How can I be strong I've asked myself
Time and time I've said
That I'll never fall in love with you again

So here we are alone again, didn't think it had come to this
And to know it all began with just a little kiss
I've come too close to happiness to have it slip away
Don't think I can take the pain
Never fall again

Kinda late in the game and my heart is in your hands
Don't you stand there and then tell me you love me then leave again
Cause I've fallen in love with you again

Hold me, hold me, don't ever let me go
Say it just one time, say you love me
God knows I do love you again

(Again, Janet Jackson)

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