I recently moved into a new home, an exhausting task of lifting and loading that made me realize that I need more friends -- big, strong, energetic friends. From now on, I'm not allowing just any old bum to become my friend. I'm going to evaluate potential friends using the criteria below: ---Must weigh at least 200 pounds and be able to lift 300 pounds, preferably with each arm. Preference will be given to bodybuilders, weightlifters, and former attorney generals. ---Must not suffer from any "back conditions," including back pain, back spasms and the tendency to back away from physical activity. ---Must be able to read simple instructions on boxes such as "keep upright," "keep in a cool place," and "keep working, you lazy butt!" ---Must be able to figure out how to get a wide sofa through a narrow doorway without requesting a saw. Anyone who asks if the sofa can be lowered into the house through the chimney is automatically disqualified. If I can find a few friends who fit these criteria, I won't have any trouble moving again. I won't need to have conversations like this: Me: "Can you please help me move this Saturday?" Friend: "Get off your knees! You're embarrassing me. I can't help you on Saturday, because it's the Sabbath. I'm not supposed to work." Me: "Wait a minute. Aren't you a Hindu?" Friend: "Not exactly. I'm a Jewish Hindu. I like both religions." Me: "In that case, can you help me on Sunday?" Friend: "Sorry, I can't. I'm observing Ramadan this month." Me: "Ramadan? I thought that's for Muslims." Friend: "Yes, but since the name of the Hindu god Rama appears in Ramadan, I thought I'd observe that, too. Just in case." Me: "Do you know what else appears in Ramadan? A three-letter description of you: MAD." Actually, most of my friends never make such excuses. They're always eager to help me move, especially if I'm moving far from them. Yes, I have some really good friends, friends I can count on. Just the other day, when my car almost died, one of my friends lent me a cell phone, while another lent me a car. They didn't even ask me to sign anything. With friends like them, who needs Rent-A-Center? Over the years, I've had all kinds of "friends." Some are worth keeping a few decades, others a few seconds. Some are superficial, others are just super. Some keep lending, others keep borrowing. Many of the so-called friends weren't real friends. Indeed, the word "friend" is one of the most misused words in the dictionary. Many people use it so loosely. Just introduce yourself to them and suddenly you're their "friend," even though they don't know your email address. They take the liberty of calling you "buddy" or "pal" or "dude." They start asking you personal questions, such as what you think of Anna Kournikova and isn't she the best thing to happen to tennis since the invention of the ball? Truth is, a good friendship takes years to develop. You invest time, energy and money into it and eventually you have something special, something that will give you more joy than a Sony PlayStation. At least in the long run. If there's one thing I've learned about friendships, it's this: It's better to have one good pal than a thousand lousy pals. Good friends are worth their weight in gold -- especially if they weigh 200 pounds and can lift 300. ha, ha