The Pecan Tree

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys went into the cemetery and filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was.
"Oh my," he shuddered, "It's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery." He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy. "You won't believe what I heard! ... Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." But the boy insisted and the old man hobbled to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.........."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling' the truth. Let's take a look, maybe we can see the Lord himself."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me." And one last "One for you, one for me. That's all, now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
............. They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.

A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.

"How are we faring?" asks the king.

"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."

"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"

"Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now."



An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will if required.... so get out of the car.

The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the drivers seat.

Small problem, her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked four or five spaces further down.

She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 4 pale white males were reporting a car-jacking by a mad, elderly, white woman......no charges were filed.






ha, ha