Douglas Adams:

"He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife. "

"The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't."

"Time, we know, is relative. You can travel light years through the stars and back, and if you do it at the speed of light then, when you return, you may have aged mere seconds while your twin brother or sister will have aged twenty, thirty, forty or however many years it is, depending on how far you traveled. This will come to you as a profound shock, particularly if you didn't know you had a twin brother or sister."

"[His] study was a total mess, like the results of an explosion in a public library."

"There is a theory which states that if anyone discovers exactly what the Universe if for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another which states that this has already happened."

"A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools."

"For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen."

"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."

"I don't believe it. Prove it to me and I still won't believe it."

"If human beings don't keep exercising their lips, he thought, their mouths probably seize up. After a few months' consideration and observation he abandoned this theory in favor of a new one. If they don't keep on exercising their lips, he thought, their brains start working."

"Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so."

"You live and learn. At any rate, you live."

"The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry and Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why and Where phases. For instance, the first phase is characterized by the question, 'How can we eat?' The second by the question, 'Why do we eat?' And the third by the question, 'Where shall we do lunch?'"

Andy Rooney On.....

Ads In Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank You."

On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) Married (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but its hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

On Pregnancy:
Its weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, Oh my. He is kicking. Do you wanna feel it? I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! Its weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. Oh my...give me your hand...It wont be long now...

On Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, "Sexy Senior Citizen." You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

On Award Shows:
Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.

On Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say I don't know. It costs 90 cents to call up and vote... Why they're voting I don't know. Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into Phone) I DON'T KNOW! (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about.

On Answering Machine:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is Share the love. Beep." Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling.... Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.



This guy came up to me in a bar and said, "Hey Cupcake, can I buy you a drink?" I said, "No, but I'll take the three bucks." -- Margaret Smith

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties. -- Jules Renard

If love is the answer, can you rephrase the question? -- Lily Tomlin

The difference between being in a relationship and being in prison is that in prisons they let you play softball on the weekends. -- Bobby Kelton

Love is an exploding cigar which we willingly smoke. -- Lynda Barry

A lot of people wonder how you know you're in love. Just ask yourself this one question: "Would I mind being financially destroyed by this person?" -- Ronnie Shakes

My parents have been married for fifty years. I asked my mother how they did it. She said, "You just close your eyes and pretend it's not happening." -- Rita Rudner

I date this girl for two years and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name." -- Mike Binder

I joined a singles group in my neighborhood. The other day the president called me up and said, "Welcome to the group. I want to find out what kind of activities you like to plan." I said, "Well, weddings." -- Lynn Harris

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? -- Groucho Marx

I don't think of myself as single. I'm romantically challenged. -- Stephanie Piro


ha, ha