I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.'

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman are their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling.

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Doctors can be frustrating. You wait month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, I wish you'd come to me sooner.

You read about all these terrorists: most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are 2 days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.


ha, ha